I think the reason I take it so personally when people insist to me that Jax is not canonically transfem is because Jax is the first piece of canonical trans representation that is relatable to me.
(more intense spoilers under cut)
-
She's messy, and she shows the harsh reality of transness pre-transition. Before I came out, I did things that I'm not proud of, because I was deep in denial and didn't want to examine the parts of myself I needed to in order to grow and become a better person.
And it especially irritates me when people use Jax making fun of Zooble's queerness as some kind of "proof" that Jax "can't be trans!" Newsflash, people, trans people can be transphobic. God knows I was before I came to terms with my gender identity. Transphobia, both blatant and subtle, are baked into our society, and it's hard to unlearn that. It's even harder when you're trying to suppress your feelings and fit in with others.
-
Anyways, back to Jax being the only piece of canonical trans rep I find relatable. For one thing, she's a main character. This is not common for trans representation in general, and especially uncommon for pre-transition trans representation. This automatically makes her more relatable because we know more about her character.
Secondly, as stated above, she hasn't transitioned! And, to me, this does not take away from the validity of her identity. Jax fully presents as a cis man throughout the whole of the show to almost every character. This is relatable to me because in most facets of my life, I do present as a cis girl, despite being transmasc genderfluid in actuality. It's just easier and safer. Trans people, you are valid, regardless of whether or not you come out and/or transition.
Third, as also stated previously, Jax is flawed! She does bad things, she makes mistakes, she self sabotages! All of these are things I have done, if to a much less degree. I've said transphobic things to fit in and to avoid having to self-reflect. I've kept people at arm's length in fear of the power they would have over me if they found out I was trans. Being trans isn't always a death sentence, and I'm fortunate enough to be in a position where it isn't one, but it's easy to see it that way when you don't know!
And lastly, Jax abstracts. I interpret abstraction as a metaphor for suicide, and I know this understanding of it isn't uncommon in the fandom. So, with that, I could've very well ended up like her. If I had gone just a few more weeks or months without someone finding out how unwell I was (during the time a bit before I came out), it's incredibly likely I wouldn't be here typing this today. And it's not just me, trans kids are shown to be more likely to be suicidal than cis counterparts. So Jax's story ending in what can be understood to be either death or suicide is an incredibly real and, for lack of a better term, relatable way for it to end. I'm fortunate to still be here today, but we've lost many of our trans sisters, brothers, and siblings this way.
Me wanting to end my life, while also wanting to fuck up my suicide attempt as a cry for help, but not wanting to waste my mother's money on hospital bills, while also thinking that my mother probably wouldn't even care enough to keep my life support on, which also plays a role in my fear of death.
if I ever say “goodbye. I’m gonna die here’s my reasons why and here’s what I’m gonna do” I give everyone full permission right now to spam my DMs and inbox with suicide helplines and beg me not to die. I know right now that don’t wanna be lost to depression. I know ill regret dying. Don’t let me die.
