Kill Me Now

what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly

[succubiitchh]

[innerchildabortionclinic]

evil therapist: to ground yourself, look around, name 5 things you can kill, and 4 things you can at least maim

[beardedmrbean]

[its-funnytwittertweets]

[worminmyroom]

[autistobrat]

absolutely hate it when I wake up tired like what the fuck did I lie unconscious for

[coffeeandthoughtspoetry]

gonna start giving people a thumbs down mid conversation when i'm not interested

[megamindsupremacy]

first rule of storing tupperware is have fun and be yourself. second suggestion is slam the cabinet door quickly and don’t worry ‘bout it.

[super-lazer-piss]

When you're driving home at night and you meet a Ford F-150 on the road

[darkcomedies]

still believe that one of the greatest bits of all time was on January 6th, 2021 when. well. you know. and twitter was understandably an echo chamber of panic and fear and Justin McElroy just tweeted a selfie with a filter that was like “have a delicious national spaghetti day” followed by 3 tweets that were like “fuck. i’m sorry. i don’t know how to delete scheduled posts” and as i type this two years later i’m laughing

[darkcomedies]

a belated delicious national spaghetti day to you all

[ritualday]

we're getting closer to 2030 and what are we supposed to do then. that's not a number for a year to be

[wildspringday]

[golden-letters]

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Me when someone else has a heavy accent when speaking English: That accent is charming and I can tell they put in a lot of effort to learn English.

Me when I have a heavy accent speaking another language: They are going to shoot me the second I open my mouth aren’t they

[dragon-in-a-fez]

the thing that really cheeses my cake about flies getting in my house is they clearly don't want to be there anyway. like at least the ants trying to steal cereal from my pantry had a goal and a plan. you are just here because you're too stupid to use a window twice

[currentlycryingaboutlancelot]

actually impossible to have any kind of conversation with my brother

[segamascott]