"my excited face begins now."

aftg blog so lost in the hr weeds will need emergency response team to evacuate (i'm exactly where i want to be)

[ticklefighthockey]

I hate the plane crash for a number of reasons (on Shane’s side it’s resolved before it’s even a problem and everything already outline for Ilya). It also creates a super unsatisfying ending to their fight as they never really resolve it because they jump to engagement without any other steps, even an actual conversation about what happened.

But also agree her hands were tied - and not just because of the genre. She came up with the crash to resolve Troy and Harris’ issues, not Shane and Ilya’s (not sure if it works better for them or not, but it’s a separate thing). So I guess at that point she can’t have Ilya nearly die twice so.. yeah, what to do

ok so let ilya sleep through it and be told about it later… or keep him home from that road trip with an injury… or let him suffer multiple near-death incidents and become fanatically convinced he’s stuck in a final destination movie… there were options here

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

Fandom is so obsessed with contrasts in ships that they force them onto hollanov, a couple who are FAMOUSLY supposed to be similar. There is no slutty one and prudish one. They both love sex. There is no smart one and dumb one. They both excel at the same career where traditional metrics of academic intelligence don't apply. There is no jock and nerd. They are both professional athletes. There is no neatfreak and slob. They both pay other people to clean their houses. Please release yourself from the need to manufacture an opposites attract dynamic in every facet of their relationship, ESPECIALLY when the central conceit of hollanov as a couple is that they're more alike than everyone else seems to think.

[schnuspi]

"He sounds like Neil," Wymack said, "but he doesn’t look like him."

[hockeyfinches]

i love Not to jump the gun here but with rozanov’s permission…? i think shane in that scene was feeling fiercely protective over another person for the first time in his life. so bowled over by the intensity of his own emotions that he stumbled back to his hotel room in a daze and immediately jerked off in the shower about it. “what if rozanov got arrested and i had to use my immense hockey wealth to bail him out of jail and it was winter in boston. so he had hypothermia. and he had to live with me while we sorted out the legal situation and i yelled at journalists for him and helped him with his paperwork and hired the best lawyer in the world and nursed him back to health and he was like “hollander……..you saved my life 🥺” and he fucked me soooo hard every night for stress relief (obviously he couldn’t fuck other people. due to the lawsuit) and we fell asleep in each other’s arms afterwards. because there’s only one bed in my apartment and he’s too tall for the couch” stuff like that. normal fantasies

[hockeyfinches]

top ten shane hollander shower fantasies:

• holding ilya’s hand while they cross a busy street full of hazards (potholes, roadworks, etc)

• rescuing ilya from kidnappers (he kicks down the door)

• rescuing ilya from a burning building (bridal carry)

• fighting in a gladiatorial ice hockey arena for ilya’s hand in marriage

• massaging ilya’s bad knee and ilya says with wonderment “wowww wow. shane you’re so good at this… you are better than every physical therapist on earth probably”

• saying “he asked for no pickles” to the mcdonalds cashier

• carrying ilya’s bags

• washing ilya’s hair

• applying o’keefes working hands cream to ilya’s calluses

• fuck or die

[clytemnestraaa]

Making Ottawa their happy ending is so diabolical tbh. Like to me HR Ottawa is just a Pinterest board made up of stills from Stepford Wives/Don’t Worry Darling/Pleasantville. Living in Ottawa, 10 minutes from Mom(ager) and Dad, eventually having a 4 kids so that they can be the Pikes - that is Hell. They are in Hell.

I also think that Ilya takes the Hollanders at face value - ofc they want to spend more time together, ofc they’ll be one big happy family living in the same city. Such a shame that Shane misses out when he’s in Montreal… like no. You are setting up a final boss fight between Yuna and Shane. David probably started a countdown in his head as soon as Ilya unloaded the first moving box. Shane doesn’t want them to be physically closer or more involved in his life, he thrives on keeping them compartmentalized . And sending Ilya to the emotional storage unit where he keeps his parents and childhood memories is… oof. “You will murder me” but the sex condo as just the van and Ottawa is the secondary location.

i think ottawa is what shane THINKS he wants, where like, yes he’s gay but he’s still normal! he has been trying to claw his way into conformity since day 1. and he’s finally done it he’s got the house in the suburbs and the 2.5 kids and sure a husband instead of a wife but that’s just splitting hairs it’s the 21st century it’s not a big deal these days. and then eventually shane is going to lose his fucking mind. lawns and picket fences and golden retrievers and days at the lake with the kids. he’s the investment banker who moves upstate and then is like oh my god i think i am bored in a way that’s cataclysmic. i think i’m bored enough to start an affair with an 18 year old life guard. i think i’m bored enough to kill someone. i hate my life but i can’t even imagine what kind of change needs to happen. it’s deeper than a divorce or moving back to the big city, i literally cannot conceive of ANYTHING that wouldn’t bore me.

and then ilya has spent his whole life pretending he is so hardcore and devil mag care and rebellious and really what he has actually wanted all along is ottawa. he wants a boring life where it’s safe and easy and quiet. he just always felt that it was denied to him, that he didn’t belong in something like that, that he’s too doomed or toxic or tragic for it. and all his rebel without a cause is just him going well you can’t fire me i quit, eg if i can’t have this then i will convince myself i never wanted it at all. but he does want it, more than anything.

which means they are headed for a really bleak fight where shane is losing his mind like “this can’t be it, this can’t be IT! after everything, after all that? i hate this! come on, i know you hate it too, can you actually tell me you are happy like this!” and ilya is just quietly like “well… yes. i thought you were happy too.”

[argillaforma]

shane hears ilya’s voice coming from the bedroom and he’s confused about who ilya is talking to, thinks maybe he’s on the phone to someone. but then he walks in to ilya standing over the open drawer in shane’s bedside table voice directed at his dildo and shane is standing there confused and a little horrified because he hasn’t showed ilya his dildo yet and shane is like what is going in why are you talking to my dildo and ilya says i was looking for the spare charger but then found this and i wanted to introduce myself to mr dildo. and shane is like first of all don’t call it mr dildo actually don’t give it a name at all, second of all…why? and ilya says well i needed to see my competition and also mr dildo was the first to be inside you and i think i should thank him for making you feel so good that you wanted to try the real thing, and shane blinks five times and then leaves the bedroom without saying anything

[tinylilhollander]

During the post-cottage era when Ilya's still playing for Boston, Shane sends Ilya a text one night that's just like "Are you alone?"

And Ilya is like "No I'm out for drinks with the guys. Did you not see that we won, Hollander?"

And Shane texts back like "Of course I saw, that's why I'm texting." Then a few seconds later: "Download this app right now. Be discreet." with an app store link. And Ilya texts back like '??? 🤨 Shane, have you been hacked?'

And Shane is like 'Just download the fucking app, asshole. This is your reward. Username is Jane2481. Fucking HURRY.'

And when Ilya follows the link and finds out that it's the app that controls a vibrating butt plug, he nearly blacks out at the table before disappearing for a suspiciously long smoke break.

[tinylilhollander]

@zouisalmightie Aaahh no why would you apologise for leaving this masterpiece in the tags. Holy shitttt

Goddd the idea of Ilya being able to hear allll of it but not speaking to him. Just communicating what he wants from Shane through what he does with the plug until Shane gets it. Making Shane work for it in more ways than just making pretty noises for Ilya. Adding something of a puzzle to it. He knows Shane likes a challenge, and a challenge it's possible to win, and he creates one for him. Hottttt.

[hollanov-words]

I know it's fun in fics but I truly don't think Shane/Ilya would be that open about their sex lives in the Centaurs group chat, they'd really want to keep it professional, but I do think it would take the Cens like half a season to notice that they often both went radio silent in the chat at the same time or disappear from a party at the same time. So the joke is that they're leaving to have sex. They're not texting back because they're having sex. But it's really not serious, they're probably just having lunch without their phones or watching Netflix in the hotel room. Like yeah it's funny to wiggle their eyebrows suggestively when Shane/Ilya come back from the bathroom together but obviously they weren't hooking up in the bathroom, that would be unhinged.

Except, you know, they definitely fucking are.

[aslongasitsblack]

1. a random photo of shane and ilya goes semi viral on twitter and someone who doesn’t know who they are quotes it with “oxford study” and somebody else quotes that with “why is shane the girl??????” ensue two weeks of discourse

2. shane and ilya are featured in an article titled “Hard Launching Is Chic Again” because a video of them walking together holding hands in new york was posted online somebody quotes the article saying “putting a gay couple who were closeted in a homophobic industry next to a podcaster who posted a picture of a guy from love island on her story is actually crazy work” and then someone else would quote that saying “maybe being gay in public isn’t like a statement actually?” ensue three weeks of discourse

3. somebody on hockey twitter posts “does anyone think its weird that like we obviously know ilya and shane are married but they don’t act like a couple ever? like we’ve never even seen them kiss” somebody replies “they are literally at fucking work. leave them alone freak” ensue a week and a half of discourse

4. ilya does an instagram q&a for no reason and the only shane question he answers is “what’s your fav thing about shane?” to which he says “he’s rich 🤑” this breaks containment sparking discourse on money in modern romance. two weeks of discourse

5. crucially with every event above inevitably someone will quote it saying “isn’t that the hockey player who was cancelled for saying the f-slur?”

[heatedrivalryfanarts]

moreloveforjm_

[comingatthecottage]

although i absolutely adore both writing and reading angsty fic about miscommunications born of insecurity, i think canonically neither ilya nor shane is an insecure person. they're actually both very confident, sometimes cocky, and i don't think there are signs that's an act!

shane's problem isn't insecurity, it's shame. he doesn't think he's not good enough, he thinks there is something wrong with him that he has to keep secret at all costs lest everyone find out and punish him for it

ilya's problem isn't insecurity, it's self-hatred. he doesn't think he's not good enough, he thinks there is a deep well of badness inside himself that will ultimately destroy him and the people he loves

what i'm saying is that there are a lot of different ways to feel terrible about yourself and we should branch out!

[penandinkprincess]

i know in my heart that shane is the most obnoxious sick person of all time

not because he's a baby a la classic man cold

but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick

he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself

he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him

not happening

as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult

his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing

the majority of the struggle when shane is sick is just making him ADMIT he is sick

[burritosong]

Tags via @penandinkprincess

[penandinkprincess]

also CACKLING about the way this looks on the outside.

like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."

and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"

WHICH IS NOT HELPING EVERYONE ELSE UNDERSTAND THE MOTHERFUCKING GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION, SHANE, NO MORE CONTRIBUTIONS AT THIS TIME FROM YOU, THANK YOU

[penandinkprincess]

@nirby-wirby

the idea that ilya was trying to be loving and let shane come to his own conclusions that he was sick and give in to being cared for because they're still early in their marriage and he thinks that's still possible

only for The Appendixing to happen and shane in the aftermath losing his faking it privileges as a result because APPARENTLY his shifty ass will just "no thank you" his own body THROUGH A FUCKING! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!

@dragoonthegreat

CACKLING

i also feel like part of the problem is that he IS so good. yeah his fever is 102 and he can't really see straight and gravity is applying to him unevenly, but he is still making goals. would that goal have happened if he was at home?? GUESS WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW.

the idea of the team thinking they can rat him out to ilya (at home on temporary injury reserve) being SO darkly funny to ilya. he WISHES he had the authority to just make shane admit he's sick and rest. you would think someone obsessed with their health in every other way would take illness seriously enough to rest when he needs to.

AND FUCKING YET.

[penandinkprincess]

he makes it into the locker room before his body goes "okay night night time" and he just goes DOWN

but he held it together SO well in the interview that people see the ambulance coming to the arena and start speculating about fucking EVERYONE

EXCEPT THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO ACTUALLY GOT A WEE WOO TAXI RIDE

he's still out for the next one and announcers are like, "wow, bad luck to have a player end up in the hospital last time and hollander out on this one" and ilya is just -_-

because he's not going to tell on him BUT FUCK'S SAKE, SHANE

[penandinkprincess]

shane in the fucking stratosphere after surgery: TWO appende-appen-appenbyebyes. one more than ANYONE else on the team. that's called-that's called WINNING, babe.

ilya, exhausted, cannot believe they have ended up here AGAIN: no it is not.

[parcai]

ilya core self destruction vs shane core self preservation being double edges of the same sword..that's so hot .....

[jewelcoatfish]

hollanov pr friendship is so special to me i need it played out more. i need them to have an absolute blast with confusing people whether they actually like each other. i want them to chirp at each other left and right but then also stand next to each other at the practice rink gossiping with their mouths covered. i want ilya to drop random shane lore he acquired that has everyone confused as to how close they are. i want shane to correct other people on their ilya opinions. i want everyone to wonder why these fuckers decide to sit eat hang out with each other all the time if they always piss the other off and then see them being the absolute safe space for the other and wonder when they got that close. i just want them to have a little fun with being close friends in public yk

[persimmony-snicket]

couple's therapists myshane and myilya have burned through, in chron order--

Greg: came highly recommended by Jackie and Hayden; both shane & ilya think he's absolutely fucking ridiculous and make fun of him behind his back; he suggests sleeping in separate bedrooms, solo hikes, differentiated hobbies, and other bullshit shane and ilya absolutely aren't doing; the final straw is when greg, clearly misunderstanding the situation, suggests that one of them retires while looking directly at shane.

Cole: they go to one (1) therapy session with Cole where Cole recommends they separate to "find themselves"; shane floats suing him but ilya doubts they'd have a case so they never go through with it.

Richard: usually an independent therapist who works with athletes, but has taken on couples therapy before; things are going okay until richard asks if they have a prenup in place and thereby steps on a huge fucking landmine; shane and ilya have such an awful fight after this session that they break up with Richard via email and agree to never bring up the prenup again. (neither shane nor ilya wanted one, but shane caved to yuna's insistence, and the whole thing is the one (1) pressure valve they allow themselves for arguing about yuna's place in their marriage.) they also decide to stop seeing men because clearly something there isn't fucking working.

Julia: very sweet but so young it's jarring for both of them; LOTS of fan-girling over shane, which makes ilya jealous, which makes shane feel like maybe he wasn't doing enough to show his affection, which makes shane clingy, which triggers ilya's avoidant attachment, which makes ilya feel like shit, which makes ilya bring up julia more often because he was trying to do her homework, which makes shane briefly believe ilya is attracted to julia, which makes ilya furious because he would never cheat on shane. they fuck about it. ilya breaks up with julia over email, then shane has to send an apology email because ilya's email was... perhaps not the best.

Michelle: goes by chelle (which shane remembers by saying: like celly but chuh); specializes in couples therapy for couples who work high stress jobs / careers; the absolute GOAT; gives them permission to bring play into their relationship again through check-ins, conversation starters, challenges, and other relationship rebuilding and strengthening strategies; also wants them to practice independence but knows a bonded pair when she sees one and tempers her expectations accordingly; ilya gets really into home pickling and shane takes up jazzercise and chelle will take what she can get; she closes her private practice so they go their separate ways.

Brenda: just... such a weird lady, harmless but weird; ilya likes her in the way one likes a beetle trapped in a jar; shane finds her vaguely offputting and thinks her office smells like an elementary school gymnasium; she asks interesting questions about their history and gives them space to tell each other the story of their love from their own perspective, which is legitimately helpful and lowkey a breakthrough for their marriage; ilya wants to keep going becuase he wants to know everything about brenda; shane thinks that's definitely not the point of couple's therapy; they break up with brenda in person; she's chill about it.

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[binkythegeek]

I will add that he contracts Yuna and Svetlana to do research on players and coaches. They get so good that the league starts requiring that he sign contracts saying he will never acquire ownership of any teams. And when teams sign him on they MUST agree to sensitivity training before he even starts his evaluations.

[regainingparadise]

There's definitely a clause in the contract that gives him the right to break the contract if someone from the team/front office/etc is a dick. It's a very broad clause, basically at his discretion to say that he's done with their shit. It's not a "don't do these specific things" list. It's just ironclad legalese for "if I decide you're an asshole I'm leaving and you can't do shit about it."

He has no interest in teaching people what a fucking microaggression is, or why a question is homophobic or why a particular comment is racist. If he doesn't like it, he's done. And he is enough in demand (and not at all actually in need of money) to enforce this. The teams need him. He doesn't need them.

There are probably a few teams that have declined because of that, but most are gonna make sure everyone is on their Best Goddam Behavior. The locker room can, on a normal day, be the most vile cesspit of toxic masculinity, but the GM/whoever is in charge makes it Really Fucking Clear that while Shane Hollander is within a hundred miles of their rink they are the Most Enlightened Team On Planet Earth.

And at least once he's demanded someone get fired before he even starts.

[lavenderprose]

Shane loooooves his weird kind of gross manly man. He loves it when Ilya spits on the ground and he loves it when he burps loud on purpose. He loves it when Ilya walks into the kitchen in the morning scratching his ass. He loves it when Ilya wakes up and immediately adjusts his balls under the blankets they're both sleeping naked under. He loves it when Ilya gets done with a workout and immediately finds Shane to shove his armpit in Shane's face. He loves that Ilya lounges around his house with his hand in his pants and his finger in his ear. He loves that Ilya manspreads. He loves Ilya's enormous fucking feet. He loves that Ilya can't walk past the bathroom mirror while naked without watching his big ole dick swing for a second. He loves that Ilya doesn't trim his happy trail or his pubes and that he doesn't think anyone else should either. He loves to watch Ilya with a toothpick after a big meal, fuck. He LOVES his MAN.