I debated writing about this for a long time now. I'm not good at describing my exact emotions and putting myself out there in this honest, raw way still feels a bit strange to me. However, I know some of you struggle with what I also struggle with right now and I feel like if anything can help a human being in this situation is knowing that you are not alone. I know it sounds really fucking corny and all but it's true.
Alright, I won't start dwelling on the past and stuff, as you probably know (or not, if you're not here from Twitter) the last few weeks have been very strange for me. I tried explaining it, but I guess you can't explain what you don't understand. I started looking inward and understanding myself, observing what I felt and why I felt it so that I could put the pieces of the puzzle together. What really happened on the other side of the screen that you're looking at right now is the following: I sat in bed for 2 weeks straight. Big shocker, right? Wrong. It wasn't the first or last time, it was an usual scenery: days passing by, feeling bored of everything and sleeping all day. But this time, besides the back pain and awful amount of cigarette smoke in my lungs, there was somethinng even more harmful happening inside of me. Not only did I not socialize with anyone, or if I did I acted very irritated, but I ignored calls from loved ones that live far away, I didn't attend my online classes and I had no intention of taking care of myself or the space around me. I thought it was a random wave of procastination and sadness, but as the days passed I felt like I wanted to get better but I couldn't. I felt like something was very wrong and I had to just sit there and watch it all happen. The strongest emotions I felt were loneliness, sadness, anger, guilt and fear. I felt incredibly bad for ignoring everyone around me or pushing them away yet I couldn't stop, and I still feel all of those things if it gets a little quiet. Some of you asked me how I got better, and the rest of you may be wondering "okay but what's the point in typing this out and posting it wtf", and I agree, there is no point. Other than being able to say: look, I know it's bad, but let the voice that says "I WANT and CHOOSE to be better" be a little louder than the mean ones. The only difference between me rn and me ~3 weeks ago sitting in bed is the choice to get better. I started calling my friends back slowly, calling my family back. I started attending uni classes, working out, eating better, and I took care of myself and my space. The key word here is SLOWLY. I know it can be scary, but take baby steps towards healing. Accept yourself, as flawed as you are, and try not to trigger the little devil on your shoulder. It will happen eventually, but you will be able to realize it's happening. I am not saying I am fully healed or in a dream-like mental state, but I am trying, and thats's all that matters right now. You are not crazy, lazy or less than anything. So next time you think about something negative let your mind say "hey!!!! I know what this is!!! we do not like this!!!" and slowly you will understand your thought patterns and how they affect you. I will be blunt: it's really fucking hard, to say the least, but know that everything that comes your way is meant for you and you ARE strong enough to handle it. It will be harder for you, especially on the bad days, but with determination and great people around you (*if u feel alone join studytwt, trust me*) it is possible. Think of yourself as the brightest star on the sky, although there are cloudy days you can't let them dim your light, especially when they aren't even there. You will be there when the clouds leave, you'll take a deep breath, and you WILL shine again, brighter than ever before.
