I'm so fucking frightened all of the time.
Frightened about my health getting worse, I'm so tired but I can't sleep, I'm gaining weight but I don't eat- theres nothing I can do about it.
Frightened of being houseless while he fights to take our safety away- theres nothing I can do about it.
Frightened the doctors will take me off T if I don't get better, frightened I won't be able to afford top surgery if we have to move around for housing - theres nothing I can do about it.
Frightened of what this stress is doing to Mum, will she have another seizure today? Will I have to perform CPR again? - theres nothing I can do about it.
Frightened of cutting him off, what will he do to me? How will he retaliate? - theres nothing I can do about it.
Frightened of losing myself. I know this deep dark pool, I'd nearly drowned in it. Am I going to drown again? - theres nothing I can do about it.
I'm stuck. So stuck. My future is held in the balance of one man, and he doesn't care about me. He never has.
It's never been this bad before. The weight of it all is slowly crushing me and it just gets heavier and heavier each day. I think, surely it can't get worse? I think, surely I can't take one more bit of bad news? I am wrong. I am in a nightmare. Is this what I deserve? I know I've done wrong and I try everyday to be better. I've grown. I've learnt. I keep of growing and learning. Is it not good enough? What can I offer to make it okay? What can I do to end this pain?
I finally reached a point of not wanting to end it all, but now my limits are being tested like never before. Is it because I adapted to the usual hell that you had to get creative? Is watching Mum writhe in pain every day for over 10 years not enough? Is watching her become a shell of herself not enough? Is seeing myself meet the same fate not enough? What do you want from me, I BEG of you what do you want? Am I only worth my pain? Is that all I'm good for? Seeing suffering and being in it? Make it stop. God, please make it stop. How many times have I begged? How many times have you answered? I don't even believe in you, you've done nothing for me, yet I find myself coming back and begging for your mercy. Pathetic. I'm so close to being done. Thats what you want isn't it? My soul. You might just get your wish, God, devil, whatever you are or aren't. You almost have me. Push a litter harder, why don't you? I'm almost there you cunts.