Writer | Photographer | Sunflower

Random, Weird, Surreal, Planned. You'll find them all here. I love capturing Moments, the stillness, the vagueness, anything which makes me feel something. Join me on this journey?

[v-67]

It's one of those days where I feel this constant anxiety elevating my heart beats.

My heart feels this fluttery unease

This unease brings me a hazy day

Slowly, walls are closing in on me

My mind is ruminating in an automated way

I cannot breathe

My heart cannot beat

It feels tight

Constrained

My heart, cannot beat

It feels....so suffocated.

This feeling

Chokes me from within

Needles on my chest

It aches

It aches

It aches so much

I sit in front of this blue screen

It's light all over my skin

I sit, working

While my heart

Aches

Within

I don't understand

This unease

This pain

This anxiety

That strains me

From within

So I walk into a library

A place of books

And my running mind

I leave it all

To books

I pick up the brother Karamazov

And I shut away my mind

All I do

Is read, read, read.

A hot chocolate

A book

And my soul

Amidst all that

A cat meows at the door

The cafe owner lets her in

It's a ginger cat

A very cute one at that

She greets all, innocent and polite

And I smile at her

As I once again

Dive into this book

That makes the ache pause

I came into the cafe, wishing to read 'the idiot', I wished to read Muishkin, pardon me if I spell him wrong. But they didn't have that available. So I picked up The brothers Karamazov, and I read 5 chapters of it.

And then I pondered around the book store

And I got up

And I left

Into the streets I walked fast, to the station

My heart at ease, started once again

To bring a sense of unease

And I walked fast

As my heart felt

I put in some music

That seemed to help

And I walked to my home

With it pouring down

So heavily

It was a brilliant weather

And the pouring rain

Drowned out

My pouring heart

It beats

It hurts

This feeling in my chest

I wish

For the walls

To stop

Closing in

Someone

Stop the walls

Anyone

Please

Just

Just stop them

I wish

To breathe

I wish

To breathe

I wish

To breathe

[v-67]

Ford vs. Ferrari.

Okay, so. The person I adore wished for me to watch this movie. So ofcourse, I did.

And here's what I think:

When I started this movie, for me, it felt like, one of those movies where there's this thrill, there's cars, there's a beautiful race which is so thrilling it'll put you on the edge of your seat, make your heart palpitate (in a good way), your eyes dilate, and just, a very good watch. A brilliantly executed one of the mills movie.

But. No no. No. It was all that, yes. But you see, I went in with the assumption that it is only about that.

But then, it precedes my expectations. As much as I love when a movie or a series becomes unpredictable in that I don't know and I never expected that to happen, this one, it did it so brilliantly that my heart feels singed.

So, the thing is, first, I hated when that Bebe, I'll call that arse Beebebob because I wish to. What I wish is to run him over, but, can't. So Beeblebob it is. So yeah, I hated it when that guy somehow ensured, BECAUSE OF HIS BIASNESS and PREJUDICE to leave Miles out of the race. Here, I was still like, yeah, they're gonna lose and realise that Miles is THE driver.

So I was like, hmm. Yep, let's go. But it was so sad when he was listening to the race all alone, all left out. Then, it was so warm of Mollie to join him. I really like Mollie. She's so fierce and strong and that scene with them in the car was so perfect. Twas so nice.

Also Daytona had my heart in a chokehold.

Also it was such a serene feeling to see him work on the car, and drive that car. It's like, my own hands and sweat invented this, and now, I'm using it and it's such an incredulous feeling. My own hands, my own car, my own heart, my own soul. And it brings me what I expected, and more.

Okay so wait, yeah. Now, the second time, he races and he is SO brilliant. The race is so brilliant. And fucking beeble just tries to shit up here as well. I so wished Shelby would punch him. He should have broken his nose tbh. I would have. I would have provoked him first and when he hit me, then I would have broken his nose, ribs and yeah...I went too far. Sorry. Back here. So second was when Miles SLOWS down. HE SLOWS DOWN. HE WAS WINNING. HE WAS WINNING SO BRILLIANTLY. HE DESERVED THAT WIN. AND HONESTLY, HE DID FUCKING WIN. FUCK YOUR TECHNICALITIES, REALISTICALLY, HE WON. So yeah, he won.

I realised it just as I wrote it. I'm a big person on accepting the things in the timeline, accepting the things on what happens and not making my own alternate ending because the original timeline says something else. I can't hide behind my fan-made ending, even though, very ironically, the ending I talk about pertains to fictional stories. Coming back to here, what I meant was, as I was writing this, I just realised that Miles had definitely won that race, and do you know why? Everyone at that track knew he won. He slowed down. He had it. He slowed down. Had he not, he would have won. So, keeping the technicalities aside, realistic pov, he won. That is fair and just. You can keep your trophy and names in whatever books you want to record them into. But, the man won. Remember that. He won.

I feel better after retaining this perspective. I know i know, it's again ironic of me to say this right after I said what I did. But, realistically, the people on the track, the racers, everyone knew he won. Yes, technicalities, never denying that. Sigh.

Okay, now. This was the part which started making me antsy because he didn't win? Huh???? What? Okay, slightly mad, getting a bit more mad. But okay, fine. Enzo tipping his hat off to miles, so good. And now they're leaving the track, now, I'm thinking they would start their own something, or maybe Ferrari would come by and try and poach them.

But no no noooo, what happens next?

Miles dies???? And they fucking foreshadow it during that one scene before. SOMETIMES THEY DON'T GET OUT????

I was not expecting that at all. So even when it was shown 3-4 times, the hint that he has passed away, I still kept expecting him to show up. Somehow.

But. Nope.

This is one of those things that I hate the most. The type, that goes, he died in a way that...was not fair. It was a very unfair scenario and he should never have died that way.

Infuriates me.

I honestly kept thinking he'll show up.

And now, see, I'm not so familiar with cars. And my brain doesn't comprehend them because they all look quite similar to me, except a few some. I know they're not all similar, obviously. I'm just saying I'm like how Sherlock is with Solar system, that way I'm with cars, and a few other things.

So when the movie ended, and they wrote that message that they do. And I find, that, WAIT? HUH? THIS IS BASED ON A REAL STORY????

So yeah, I had no clue. And knowing it was based on a real story just elevated everything I was feeling even more.

It's crazy.

They're crazy.

But god. It was such a good watch.

But fuck, this was based on a real story.

Miles and Shelby.

Man. I can't believe they were real. And I hate that the end was like that, and I hate that it's real. That it happened actually.

It's a bittersweet feeling.

I also feel quite bad thinking about Shelby and how much it must weigh upon him. Hurts quite a bit. Also thinking about Mollie and Peter. And Peter's question about the brakes. The fire one. And it just stings a bit man. It stings.

Sigh.

I wanna punch that beeble guy so much. You know how Shelby locked him up, I wanna do that, but just, lock him up uptil his shoulders into the ground, just his face above, breathing. And when he learns his lesson, I'll send someone to dig him out.

Okay, but yeah. Good movie.

Unpredictable, unexpected. And quite a brilliant surprise.

Also the premise of the race was also quite interesting, I had never heard about a 24 hour race. Wanna know more about the specifics of this one, what they do, how they do it, how the breaks work, and so on.

Also, one more thing. So I saw the F1 movie, okay? And every time this beeble would come up and talk some shit, I kept thinking of that guy who'd back up Brad pitt. That dialogue comes up in my mind, 'Do you have the car? We have the driver.' Kinda that one. And I felt like saying that so much. But I also understand the way and why and how Shelby dealt with things.

Okay, ending this on a good note. Even if I'm slightly mad and a bit melancholic. Cheers to the duo. Miles and Shelby. Shelby and Miles. Cheers.

Also to the writers, directors, creators, what a brilliant execution. It hit perfectly.

Good movie.

Cheers.

[v-67]

Watched Obsessed today.

Really creepy. Wouldn't genre it as a horror but more as a supernatural thriller maybe?

Not even as a thriller. But, rather creepy. So thriller yes maybe?

Okay, the genre left aside. The movie was a real creepy one.

And the creepy part is that without the element of the 'make a wish' thing, people actually are in such dysfunctional relationships.

That, my dear friends, is one of the most scary things.

And as much as the jump scares and the erratic behaviour scared and worried and made me make a wtf face, they did a good job in making me worry and get scared about when would nikki go crazy. It's like, now I'm expecting it but she just goes, oh okay. It's like, my heart rate went up that something's gonna happen and then it doesn't. But you anticipate the crazy. It's like the flinch thing. So good job I think?

The movie was really creepy. To analyse it in depth, I would first state that how are these guys living alone at that age? Aren't they teenagers? 18 or 19 probably?

Okay, maybe an agreeable aspect that kids move out and stuff.

Next, the character of bear. Insecure, wanting to have nikki live with him even when the real one asked him to kill her. Insecure yes, but also scared, wounded, confused. A teenager.

He should've tried something the moment the thing with the cat happened.

Often in horror movies when something creepy is coming up, I just say out loud, man, run away. But in this scenario, I couldn't ask the guy to high tail it because it's a scenario he created. Yes, he didn't know if the wish would really work or not, but, after he suspected and later on confirmed it works, the moral dilemma of it makes you not ask him to run away. But rather deal with it somehow. But it was hella creepy.

Also what, gun shots heard? Kid disappeared? No one does anything about it? No police men asking around? Also what, he came in with blood smeared up on himself, nothing? What kinda neighbourhood they living in to normalise shit like this?

ALSO THE CAT SANDWICH WAS MY BREAKING POINT. WHO DOES THAT!!!????

Also when she was standing in her filth. I couldn't even look ngl.

Poor cat.

Bear died the way his cat did....

But, I am glad that bear took those pills and died because if he had lived, it would be the most saddest life they would have had to live. Both of them had someone inside them, and those people locked them away. A suffocating sad relationship. Extremely sad. And a maniacal one too.

The actress did a good job. I'm not sure about the actor. Some scenes it felt like, hmm? What? What are you doing? I'm not saying acting maybe, because he did act well, maybe it's about his dialogues and the delivery, and some scenes where a rational man wouldn't do the same?

Coming onto next, I wonder what if they had done something like: Ian got the million dollars right? What is Bear and Ian ran away to a whole another place w that money and got Nikki locked up somewhere until they got their hands on another make a wish thing? And then paid someone to make the wish Bear wanted. That way, they would have found a good resource of living plus they would be free.

And ofcourse he could have repaid nikki by having her live in a better way. To repay her for the trauma he didn't mean to, but ultimately caused.

But man, the most terrifying part of this movie was how in actuality people can act like this. Being in the legal field, and seeing divorce cases, you sure know that people be crazy.

So yeah, that was the most terrifying part. But honestly such erratic behaviour is peak scary. I ain't gonna lie, I'm writing this and thinking if i dare look up and see someone standing in the middle of the hallway, I'm gonna lose my shit.

Let's think of good things.

Let's think of Shoyo. Let's think of Rengoku. Let's think of Naruto. Let's think of Ace. Yes, good things. Sweet characters. Wholesome teams, wholesome bonding. Empathy, care. Yep yep yep yep yep.

Okay, that was all for my review. Also it was the first horror genre classified movie I saw in the theatres.

I have seen one more before, but it was horror comedy. And this one as well, I wouldn't classify it as horror.

Creepy. 100% yes. Thriller? Maybe.

But India also had a lot many scenes cut off, so maybe I don't have the whole picture too.

Okay, alright.

I hope they're at peace.

And they don't come to haunt people up.

Scary af. Imagery in my head is doing the haunting man.

Let's think of good things.

[v-67]

A compilation of reviews since I have been quite inactive.

1. Trap (Movie)

Started watching this randomly. Good premise. Kept me hooked. Was quite unpredictable. Much less movies inculcate this feeling lately. So, a solid 9/10. It really was a good movie, must watch.

Quite intense. And genuinely a good premise.

Not gonna lie, honestly started rooting for the butcher so that he doesn't get caught, the perspectives matter a lot, the way and pov the movie is shown. I went like, oh shit he's gonna get caught, and then I caught myself like, bruh, we want him to get caught. So yep, perspectives...the point of view that is portrayed...is quite important. Good movie though, 9/10.

2. Currently watching: Zom 100

First episode is a piece of art, I’m at episode 6, the whole anime up to now is a pievce of art, but episode one is especially profound, the feeling they wish to define is so beautifully captured, the weight, the tiredness, the exhaustion, the gloom. And this one has so much absurdity that makes it so so so good. Loving it honestly. The animation is beautiful and Akira is so so so nice and crazy and funny, heinculcates the feeling of wanting to live life, zombies all around, I can die today or 60 years later, so I would focus on doing things I want to do before that day comes. Going around on a bike, climbing down a pipe because he’s out of beer, confessing his love to a zombie co-worker, pushing the zombie CEO down the building. The man is absurd and I honestly love it. I aspire to be as free as he is. I really like Akira because his reasoning for things is something I can slightly resonate to. Only slightly. But I really do like this character and his way of things. Looking forward to watching more of this.

Also, the shark scene very much reminded me of Gyo by Junji Ito.

3. Wind Breaker

I’m actually at Season 2 and as much as I love this anime, I kinda took a pause at Season 2 and now I will have to put in some effort to go back to it.

Season 1 and especially the cinematic end to Season 1 and the beginning of Season 2 was so SO good. I really loved it. I also love Ume San a lot. I love how he is so strong, so carefree, and so grounded. I love how he is so warm and encouraging, how he laughs so often, does not care to keep an appearance for the sake of anything. I love characters like that, warm, kind and nurturing, serious and strong when there needs an air of command. It’s so cool. I want to be like that as well.

To get the review back on track, I was talking about this Show.

The anime is quite great, Sakura is such a cutie, I also love the premise of being shown how he has never felt any warmth and when he does, the way he blushed, is confused, the way he deals with it. I love seeing him get the warmth and also learn things. It’s really really heart-warming.

I also loved the fight he had with Togame.

And the way depression is showcased in Tomiyama.

One thing to note, however is that, the translation or the dialogues, I don’t know if actual, often feel so full of innuendos. It is so utterly noticeable that either I’m in a trance or it really is on purpose.

The dialogues that go: Seems like theyr’re really rubbing off on each other, and etc, I can’t quite remember the rest, but there are many moments where I hear them say something and go like ??? huh????

But the show is quite nice, quite warm. I shall complete the rest and come back to it.

The rope scene is also very brilliantly executed, honestly, the metaphors are very very beautifully executed and the words are really pretty.

4. Black Panther

So, I finally watched Black Panther.

After a lonngggggggggg overdue watch.

But in my defense, I found out Chadwick had cancer and he really passed away and all that just made me really sad and I never had the heart to watch this movie.

But, then, my boyfriend made me watch it.

And here's my review and some random observations or theories that might be accurate or inaccurate or nothing at all.

When I saw the suit shuri made (BTW I LOVE SHURI, I have always loved her.) so yeah, anyways, the suit Shuri made, I saw it and I thought about is it somehow an example of the story, like you know. There were 3 options, our King chose the silver one, Erik chose the golden one. When T'challa was selecting one, he looked at the golden and spoke about how it was tempting but we don't want the eyes to be drawn.

So, I take that scene in two ways, one it resembles not exactly but just slightly that one story of you know, as I write this, it seems more inaccurate. I was gonna say it resembles the story of the part where you select the gold silver bronze and it represents your will.

Kinda something like that.

The other thing I infer from there, is that how T'challa spoke that we don't want the eyes to be drawn towards us, and how in the end, they went out to the world.

So, yep, contrast showcased brilliantly?

Then, one thing I am curious about, is that, do they not have debates? Ofcourse they do. They're the most advanced country in the world, probably.

The question though is, why so much in extremes.

As you know, they could have just discussed and helped the world as well while being very lowkey

Also which side do you guys rely on.

I shall continue this review later because I got interrupted and I can't quite remember my trail of thought.

5. Swapped

GO WATCH IT. No review required, just trust me, go watch it. Very cute movie. Made me slightly sentimental, but, very very very beautiful.

[v-67]

Yesterday, I left for work as usual.

Then I took my same route, and on this route, a man come out from the bus, now, he accidentally might have brushed his elbow at my side boob. And did an apology gesture.

Still, I got agitated because to me it felt non-accidental.

And so, I shouted a little at him, in a normal sense, not accusatory sense. More of a OH? WHAT THE FUCK?

Then I left, I walked as fast as I could because I was partly scared and a lot angry.

And then while I was climbing the stairs, he was also enroute to station so he was behind me and brushed his hand against mine before he rushed away.

Again. That might have been accidental.

And I did say what the fuck is wrong with you creep.

But he had left.

The problem is

I feel like I spoke up but I didn't speak up enough.

I have had past instances with bad trauma pertaining to assault.

And I just never want to freeze up.

It's scary, it's just.

So when this instance happened, I carried an anxiety all day along, the reasoning behind the feeling caught up to me at the end of the day.

There was one time when I was young and I was traveling with my grandpa on the train and since I was young, it was a general compartment of a normal train, in the crowded train, a man put his hand over my pants and tried to touch my vagina. Ofcourse, I felt uncomfortable, every single part of my body felt desperate to run away, but, I just couldn't speak up.

And I leaned on another uncle and the uncle told me, beta why are you completely leaning over me. And just when i had spoken up, that this man... And station had come by. And he ran away.

I was wearing a full sleeved tshirt my mom had gotten me that day, and ripped jeans. The white tshirt was of a very different quality, not cotton, not anything as such, I don't know what it was, but it was pleasing. I loved that tshirt. It was also funky, and had a peacock pattern across one side.

That day, I didn't tell my grandpa a thing, because what could have he done? And how do I even tell anyone such a thing had happened? For so many years later too, I had spoken of this instance and told people that he had touched my waist, I couldn't bear to say what he had really tried to do. It's now, after years that I can say what had really happened.

That day, I had come home and I remember I was washing myself, taking a shower, trying to scrape that feeling away from my whole being, over the next few days, I would do the same, I had tried and tried to shower away that feeling. I hated it. I didn't know what had happened, what had transpired, but, I knew something was off, something just. Was extremely wrong.

So, sorry for the detour, but, the whole thing was that, the morning that happened recently might have triggered a time from the past. The anxiety I carried all day, and honestly, still am carrying. I don't know how to ease it.

So here I am, sitting in the train, and bursting 21 pilots in my ears so loud that I can't hear the world.

I worry about a few things

I worry I might be over reacting, victimizing myself. I hate that.

And that I can't get those times away. I don't want to invalidate or erase what had happened. Because that is unfair to the past me, the child, because she lived through it.

I wish I could just, be strong.

Because when I look at the past, all I really should have done was grab that man by the collar and punch the shit out of him, so much, so much, so much. I should have punched him until my beautiful white tshirt that I loved so much had splashes of red over it.

Ofcourse, I would still be scared, but, that might be a better type of scared than the helpless kind.

I don't like the fact that I'm not strong enough to grab someone by the collar and punch the shit out of them if something goes bad.

I don't know.

I feel like I over reacted because of the incident today. And there's just so much despair and melancholy that sometimes, any past experience that is uttered from my mouth feels like just an endless type of... something.

I want to be strong. And I want to stop talking about what happened in my past, but, I can't. It feels like invalidating it, or deceiving someone if I were to date them. So I yap like there's no end to my sentences.

Okay, I think I'll go and get back to work.

[v-67]

Orange Juice.

I never liked drinking Orange juice at first.

But, everyone from my family would drink it, so I would too.

Slowly, I garnered a taste for it.

The Orange juice was the same to me, but, the way my family and I, all collectively drank it was…what made me like it.

Slowly, my family had started to forget about me,

This might sound sudden, but it was true.

My sister would serve everyone the juice, but not me.

She would call me to the dining table but never hand me a glass, never offer a sip.

She would call the maids, the butlers, hand them glasses, talk to them but…I would simply sit at the table.

My hands empty and fidgeting.

It made my heart throb sometimes, I never understood why. My heart would jolt, there were feelings that I didn’t know brimming up to my throat, choking me.

Sometimes, I clutched my heart tight, wishing it would stabilise, I wanted to reach inside and rip it out, to soothe it down.

Some days I would sleep off until noon, to avoid being called down for breakfast.

And sleep felt like an embrace, it would shut away everything I couldn’t name.

But, given how often they were forgetting me, was alarming. It was quite desolate.

They would sometimes call me down, but sometimes I would lie asleep for the whole day and no one would come by.

Sometimes I would go down on my own, make myself a glass and sit with them, but it never felt the same. It felt fabricated.

So I would often starve myself, as that way, at least it felt less fabricated.

And the world was already too fabricated, why contribute to it more, so I felt it’d be better to sit with this sadness in my empty fidgeting palms. At least the empty palms are real.

May I tell you something?

From the depth of my soul to the pit inside me, I felt like...I just wasn’t me.

Maybe that is why they’ve forgotten me. I am simply not me.

You might not believe me.

But what else could explain this?

Don't believe me, I don't really care whether you do or not.

But, okay, maybe I care slightly.

But, if you're not believing me, you’re implying that I’m a liar, and I hate being called a liar.

I am anything but a liar.

Well, it doesn’t matter, maybe it matters a little.

Of course, you could also simply not believe me and also think that I’m not a liar.

A place of indifference, a limbo in thoughts per se?

Well, it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter.

But, one day, I went to my sister, just to confirm if I am me, and she laughed at my face.

She laughed with her eyes open, her eyes twitching. I was shaken up. She hadn’t said anything, she just laughed.

I couldn't forget how her eyes looked at mine.

But, from the next day, she would call me down.

She would smile and laugh and bring me Orange juice.

My whole family would sit with me, and we would talk and smile again, like the times when this body belonged to the vague remnant of the kid I was.

The Orange juice was albeit a bit bitter, but, everyone was right there. It was almost the same.

Sometimes the warmth felt suffocating. But, it was warmth, right?

Sometimes the warmth made me puke, but my sister would insist and, and I couldn’t refute.

I would puke more, lately, I had been puking blood. But, maybe it was my heart, finally calm?

The warmth from the Orange juice reaches my heart when my hands cannot, it doesn’t rip it out, it doesn’t soothe it, but it aches, maybe this ache is the warmth that I craved for?

Maybe this is what it feels to have a heart soothed.

My sister calls me again, the glass of orange juice awaits.

My empty palms are covered with blood.

As I stand to leave, my legs trip.

The white marble floor beneath me stains with crimson, but my reflection, is not mine.

Yet, the weak sunken eyes that gaze back at me, they look so desperate, so scared, they crave warmth, they crave a glass of orange juice.

So I wake up and I reach out,

Tumbling down the stairs

Crimson on every step

I reach out

For the glass

Of orange juice.

[v-67]

Here's the second one.

But first, this scene was really heartbreaking.

Now.

When I first saw this, I immediately thought of Kill Bill. Like, IMMEDIATELY.

Not like I'm saying anything bad, I'm just saying what I connected this with.

Maki is really cool and strong yo.

So is my girl Beatrix Kiddo🫶

Both of these scenes will always make me feel like a happy kid, because these scenes, are so goddamn cool.

Okay I have to sleep, Goodnight guys.

[v-67]

Season 3 of JJK has such peak animation. And also such profound scenes.

Like, wow. They let the scenes melt into you.

You sit with them.

You breathe them in.

Fuuuuck. It's really good.

I'll share my favourites later, but for now I'm sharing some of the scenes that I felt created a similar energy to some of the existing things:

Before that, the very first episode and the way the blood just never washes out. AHH. FUCK. i wanna hug Yuji.

But this scene. The animation. Truly profound & beautiful.

Truly, it breaks my heart. But this feeling is very beautifully captured, the massacre and the blood, the way it doesn't wash away, however much you wash it.

I know it's not the same but I felt this way for a while when we had to euthanize my dog. She was old, had cancer, arthritis, and no pain killers worked. The doctors urged and we took the decision. I saw her heart stop.

This feeling, that Yuji felt, the way the animation has shown us, it was perfectly captured. For a while, my hands felt like they were covered with blood. But, nvm me, I'm okay now. I miss her though (my dog)

Went a bit tragic there huh. Sorry about that, here: beautiful animation:

Ahem, now, coming to the scenes that i felt familiar to existing things:

1. I have not watched the movie Fight club yet, but this here, felt like a reference haha🔽

Now, the second thing, I'll be making another post because tumblr wouldn't let me add pictures.

Man, I keep thinking about Yuji and how he must've felt and my heart keeps feeling so.... something. It breaks my heart, but more than that, I just feel this deep hurt like feeling.

It hurts to even imagine how he must've felt, and how he keeps going on, how he smiles and talks and it's just, fuck. I feel. So much.

I wanna hug Yuji and take away the bloody hands. I really want him to just live a happy life.

It fucking hurts.

It's not fair.

It's...AHHHHH. JJK really hurts me. But it's also so well written.

I'm hurt, I'm feeling too much, and that, that is one the best pieces of work to make one feel such depth.

Okay, toodles.

I'll um, post the other one after this.

But also S2 and S3 feel so different.

I feel S2 was better and S3 is also good but kinda deviated.

[v-67]

A line I read in some manhwa

"I don't hold grudges towards the people who have wronged me since I have erased them completely from my mind"

And I think, this resonates with me.

I am indifferent towards you

Not because I am wise

Not because I have forgiven you

Not because I hold you culprit

I am indifferent towards you

Because you don't exist

In my memories

In my mind

I have erased your existence

I have denied you to fester

Even though

The wounds ache

And I tremble

From the pain

You

Don't

Exist

I am indifferent towards you

Simply because

You don't exist

And therefore

Within this indifference

I don't even have a line

That would fathom something

At the end of this verse

I am indifferent towards you

For

I have erased you

Even though

The ache trembles

The blood trickles

I don't hold animosity

Towards what my mind has killed away

Since

I remember

Having killed your figure

With my own mind

Since

You

Shouldn't be

Remembered.

You don't have a life

You don't have a grave

You're simply nothing at all

[v-67]

My favourite lines from this movie. I haven't done justice to it by taking out these specific lines, it's much more impactful when the whole build up and the dialogue is watched together.

But, this has stayed with me.

It's just so immensely warm and sweet and vulnerable.

........

....and that falling in love can make you this weak....

I've become weak, too.

I've become weak.

It's a necessary weakness to feel such warmth.

........

[v-67]

I found a caterpillar on a pea.

My friend questioned me, pea?

Yeah, P E A, Pea.

Yeah i know it's not the same lmao, but we just burst laughing at this, so thought I'd share.

[v-67]

Y'all, I wrote a beautiful article I cannot post because of recent incidents at work that might make them feel like I'm targeting them. So give it a read and tell me, should I post it or maybe soften the tones? I also made this to go along with words and I LOVE IT.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my fellow juniors and classmates across the legal profession and what I keep hearing is deeply unsettling. It's not that I've not witnessed these things firsthand, but, the frequency is truly disheartening.

While we all expect a high-pressure environment, there is a recurring theme of unnecessary dehumanization. Interns are often used as mere "tools". And it feels like we’ve inherited a culture that confuses "authority" with "oppression."

This field is built on the pursuit of Justice, but it's here that we often find the most internal Exploitation.

Whether it’s the lack of a simple "sorry" when bumping into someone in a crowded court corridor, or treating subordinates as mere "tools" to finish a task, something is fundamentally broken. We have become "historical" in the worst way, clinging to a legacy of injustice and oppression within our own ranks.

People often forget that they're humans first. While it's great that you've educated yourself and mastered the art of your profession, it's nothing great if you forget to be a person first. Your footing becomes irrelevant the moment you start questioning "Who even are you?" to people around as a way to diminish them.

It’s great that you’re an advocate. It’s great that I am one too.

But do not let the profession become your entire being at the cost of your humanity.

If the only thing you can think is, "I AM AN ADVOCATE," while demeaning those around you, then you haven't mastered the law, you’ve let it go to your head. Power has a way of corrupting the perspective.

One of my favourite pieces of art delivers a dialogue: "The crown possesses a will of its own. With its power, you control a thousand men, you obtain riches, and you gain divine powers."

In our context, the Crown is our knowledge and our status. It’s easy to let that knowledge go to your head. It’s easy to think that because you’ve achieved a certain status, you have the right to look down on those who are still climbing. But if you’re using your standing just to stand above people, you’ve missed the point of the profession entirely.

The phrase, Who even are you? is one that seems to echo through court corridors and law firms alike. It’s meant to remind the listener of their "place," but all it really does is expose the speaker's ego.

It is time we stop using such words, and treating Interns - the future of the continuing legal world as someone to demean. This must really stop.

It's okay to ask someone to carry files as we all need help, but in law, as in life, it’s all about the question of Intent. If your intent is to mentor and share the load, you are a leader. But if your intent is to use a junior as a prop to display your own superiority, then i pity you, the curse of the crown has got to you. And you have failed as a human being. Go on and rule your make believe world. But remember, someday, this crown would fall and all your fallacies would tremble.

Once again, be proud of your status. Be proud of your achievements. But remember that the same doesn't require demeaning others to feel tall.

Let’s choose to be humans before we are advocates, because the current world of advocacy desperately needs that.

Sooooo?

Post it

Soften it, then post it?

Don't post it

Pull a Trojan horse, change language and make them post it?

Voting ended onMar 1

[v-67]

Ahhhhh fuck.

I re watched Given.

And it's like, it hits you the first time when you watch it. But even the second time, even when you're aware of what's coming, what's happening, you understand it, you smile and cry and laugh with it. But in the middle of the next fucking day I'd remember the scene where Sato's dad would abuse him and he shared that he doesn't speak because when he does his dad hits him. And then Yuki would report his dad and they would arrest his dad.

And Sato wouldn't be hurt anymore.

Fuck I'm gonna cry.

It's so painful.

He was his savior in a sense. They fucking grew up together. It's sad. It's really really really sad. It breaks my heart that it even happened.

Even when I'm aware what the show, the story is bringing me, it saddens me that such a thing happened.

I don't know why he did that. I really don't understand. Last time I wrote about it someone told me he offed himself because I was confused. Because all that was shown was that he drank a whole bottle of liquor.

So I wasn't sure why and what happened.

But fuck. It's devastating. It breaks my heart to imagine the pain Mafuyu went through.

The guilt, the pain. I just wanna sit next to him and, yeah, I just wanna sit next to him and give him company.

But yes, that's what I was talking about, even when I've seen this show. Even then, it still hits so deep. My heart gets all fragile and every emotion feels heightened.

I know the story and what it brings across. And it's really beautiful. One of the best. Everytime I hear Mafuyu sing, goosebumps.

And that kiss from Uenoyama. It's the most adorable thing I've witnessed.

So pure and so honest. Heat of the moment and just truth. It's super cute.

I love Uecchi. I love Sato. I love them both.

I love how Uenoyama looks up to Akihiko.

I love how when Ue comes out, or rather, is confused and questioning himself, and he tells it to Akihiko, and Akihiko goes, I've been with guys too, now what, you're gonna say I'm.... Something along those lines with that face he has.

It's cool. Really cool and really warm.

I love Haruki too. I wanna watch the movies, i haven't seen them yet.

But AAAAAAAAH THIS SHOW. It makes me feel so much y'all.

It's the middle of the fucking night and I'm almost sobbing because IT HURTS to imagine what Mafuyu went through.

Ah fuck.

Goodnight.

I hope Ue and Mafuyu always live happily. They deserve all the warmth and love.

Also ending on the note that when Uenoyama realised that it's mutual and he just stared in space feeling happy that IT'S MUTUAL.

Hehe, super cute.

And also the fact that they went and told their bandmates first. Super loyal? Thoughtful? Really good integrity? I love people who value their team, so I loved that a lot.

So yep

Goodnight y'all.

The strings of my heart are strumming and mannnnnn I'm feeling all kinda feelings.

Love this show. but also AAAAAAAH.

[v-67]

So I was rewatching One punch man to watch the latest season.

I still haven't started the latest season, so hush. No spoilers okay?

So, I realised, that when I watched One Punch for the first time, I felt so many things. And I remember how much I liked Garou.

Then i remembered that I once made this.

This was in the year 2020.

Almost 6 years went by, and I still love this guy.

He's just...misunderstood. He's warm, he's nice. He's just done with the unfairness. He's a kid with a lot of empathy, and who wants to be stronger. Maybe I'm wrong in my interpretations, but I don't care. This is how I see him.

And, I love this guy. This character. He's warm.

[v-67]

So I was walking down the crowded streets at the usual time. Dodging people left and right.

And, I don't like crowds. But well, can't do anything much about it, can we?

And there's so many types of people in that crowd, the slow walker, the ones who walk into you, the ones who do a minute dance with you, and all that.

And I'm always afraid that I might get groped or something. (Because yes, the world is that bad.) I'm afraid that incase that ever happens, I might freeze and then be devastated and it will keep haunting me.

So I am always vigilant to not run into anyone, and to also be ready incase I need to thrash the fuck out of someone.

Though I'm not sure in reality if I can ever be violent, however much i prepare for it.

Even though I wish to slap so many people while walking the streets because of various reasons. (Slow walking, standing in the middle obstructing everyone else, etc)

Anyways. As I was walking, I was thinking that, in case such a situation ever arises, I need to always carry a mask with me.

Because the world today, the media and people are such, everything is recorded.

Now, the video isn't an issue. But the issue is not having the context. And then the issue is that the video gets viral and in the wrong or the right or whatever context, people thrash you. Or appreciate you. Or whatever. I don't like the idea of either. I don't like publicity.

So, incase a situation ever arises, wouldn't it be better to wear the mask (the one we would wear during covid, not the monkey mask obv), and then hit the person.

Ofcourse, in the adrenaline and the situation you wouldn't have the time to wear one.

But this was just a precautious situation.

The mask is never for you to not get identified, in case you ever go to court for such a situation, the officials will easily identify you.

But the mask is to save you from the masses. To not get public attention. Even if you hit someone, whether the reasoning be good or bad, violence at the end is still violence. No need to get appreciation or cruelty from the masses. No need to let any of it get to your head.

I feel like this can be construed very wrongly.

Just to clarify, i overthink things a lot. And this is only to save introverts like me from stupid people recording stuff and making it viral under different headlines.

I don't like that.

But also, if you ever come across such a situation, and the person in the wrong (eg: the one who harassed you and you hit him/her.) if that person is also like people who do wrong and then claim damages for it, and they take you to court to say that you hit them. Then do remember that you taking the time out to wear a mask before you hit them can be used against you, this is because the person might argue that you were provoked and you acted in self defence, but you still had the patience to wear the mask. Why did you wear a mask? And at that time, you cannot explain to the court the reasoning I gave you, because the court might state that you were conscious enough, and it might go against you if you fail to prove that the person harassed you first.

So yep.

That's my thought of the day.

[v-67]

Too many things rambling within me, so just, idk. Maybe it'll help to jot things down.

The whole Epstein thing, it's just, extremely disturbing. And the whole instagram is filled with conspiracy theories which might or might not make sense and be true. As important as this is to talk about, it is also used as a content material to strike up things.

Again, I don't know how to feel about everything that I'm watching. Actually I do know how to feel about it because i feel utterly disturbed. It's like, i had trust issues, but watching these files, the content, I'm even more utterly disgusted and i can't help but be more wary about people now.

Can you imagine so many influential figures be interested in such a thing?

The children we are supposed to protect, the ones who we look at with a happy heart, and never once we would want any child to suffer. These people made them suffer. They utterly broke them.

I don't know how much is true of what comes on instagram. But if they really ate Children, infants. I'm.. I can't help but be shocked. It's like I can hear my heart break, my eyes swell. It's inhuman, it's not even just inhuman, it's utterly atrocious. Neither the god nor the devil if any of them exist, would do something like this.

I've put instagram off for sometime. I hope those theories are false. Not for the sake of the criminals, but because i don't wish for such a thing to be true. Those poor children. It's scary and it's sad.

But that part which is indeed true, the human trafficking thing. It maddens me. The whole thing about teens being made to suffer through such atrocious acts.

It's deeply traumatizing.

People who were all influential, are powerful, them being complicit to such things just makes everything worse.

What's worse is they will all get away with this.

What's even worse is that we don't know if Epstein is dead or not. And even if he died the way it's stated, it's not enough. It's an easy death. How dare did he die so easily?

Such people do not deserve death.

I understand the ideology of not being cruel to punish the cruel. But, this isn't fair.

He should've been tortured enough to be on the brink of death. Such a thing and worse should've befallen him. And this should've been displayed side by side to the acts he has committed. It would have been a good deterrent effect.

These political figures would have nothing been done to them. And as they get away with this, another such tragedy shall befall. This will be a cycle because the public that wants to take an action lives in a lawful world, while these figures i.e criminals live in a lawless world.

It's truly a world that is both lawful and lawless.

We are blessed and forsaken as the law applies to us, and only us. As we are gullible by these chains and also protected by them (sometimes) while these hooligans claim to be protected while puppeteering the whole system.

I feel sad for the little children.

The world has truly become rotten.

I'm not saying that I'm not aware of what happens to children all across the world.

I'm aware of that.

But this file brings us, rather, makes us face things which we don't wish to be aware of.

We have no choice but to face the weight, the weight of how the world is. How utterly bad can people be.

And these are supposed to be geniuses.

Literate and smart people.

The one that carries knowledge and yet is a fool is to be feared more than the one who is ignorant and makes errs.

I'm truly terrified of people.

I pray for those poor children. I wish they heal, I know it would never be easy to forget what must've happened to them, I'm not even aware of what things must they have undergone over there. But it makes me sick. I hope the victims heal, i hope they have the strength to slowly overcome these things.

The world is fucked.

[v-67]

One of the most beautiful pictures I've clicked lately. Pretty happy with this opportunity ngl.

Also I'm extremely scared of the bees. So when we went into this field and the whole field was swarming with bees feasting, I was a bit terrified. Also I had worn perfume too.

But, stumbling upon this experience, it was pretty good.

Also got some more amazing shots, will share them later maybe?