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A Vulcan named Stork works at the Terran adoption agency. Parents always request that he be the one to deliver their child to them.

taken-aurally

It’s years before anyone explains it to him.

thetimetostrikeislater

People keep gifting him robes with long white birds on them.

thetimetostrikeislater

whetstonefires

The fun thing is he would understand why people were getting him outfits with storks on them. That’s a word, it’s his name, straightforward. All the humans get him the same gag gift, but like, they’re putting effort in at least. This is a genuinely nice outfit. Stork will be a walking zero-effort pun sometimes, rather than waste a perfectly fine robe.

It’s fine. This is a readily comprehensible human illogic. Exactly the kind of thing he expected from moving to Earth.

Six years in he finds out about the stork bringing babies.

thesaltofcarthage

Stork has a good long meditation session about this myth, his name, his job, the outfits, the whole shebang (or whatever Vulcan concept is the equivalent).

And he decides he’s honored by it, in a humanly illogical way.

The humans are asking him to do what is after all his job, and specifically requesting him for the joy his name brings them on top of an already agreeable and satisfying task. He has no objection to engendering positive emotions in others. Harm hastens the heat-death of the universe, Surak teaches, so happiness must logically slow it down.

Plus, Vulcans of his generation love puns. There were two decades of punning competitions in colleges across the planet. So when he realizes that he is a walking zero-effort pun, and that the humans also love the pun, he is all for it. He is the Joe Cool of the entire Vulcan population in his city.

And via this pun, the humans are including him in a cherished and traditional myth, by casting him as the literal bringer of life and the expander of families.

There’s no downside. Stork wears his robes, pins, keychains, and other bird-related tchotchkes with genuine pride.

shinobicyrus

YES IT’S BACK ON MY DASH AT LAST

For real though working together with some human social workers, a Vulcan would be an excellent caretaker for children in an adoption center.

Child has a meltdown? Imagine Stork, perfectly calm and unbothered, approaching the kid and saying “You appear quite upset, Eliza. If you would please allow me to relocate you to the ‘bean-bag-chair,’ we can discuss the source of your distress.”

A Vulcan educated in medicine and child psychology would be endlessly patient with a kid with behavioral issues. Stork wouldn’t get or upset or frustrated. After all, these are children with medical and psychological conditions. It would be illogical to blame the child or to not treat them with the appropriate care.

Even if the a little one was having a bad day or was just overtired, Stork wouldn’t get angry. He might even be a calming presence. Any new kids acting out would learn real quick that they’d have better luck trying to arm-wrestle a Klingon than get a rise out of Stork.

Not only that, Vulcans live much longer than humans. Imagine Stork looking virtually unchanged as decades pass. Kids he’d helped years ago would turn up fully grown, maybe there to adopt their own kids, and run into Stork, looking almost exactly as they remember him.

And he’d probably remember them too. “Welcome back, Eliza.”

departmentq

“…Harm hastens the heat-death of the universe, Surak teaches, so logically happiness must slow it down…”

Will reblog every time it crosses my dash 🖖🏾

takemetotheenterprise

I love this post and the additions I haven’t seen last time

sacred-portal

transcatboybussy

I was so thrown off by this so I looked it up cause what

And it just has a lot of caffeine

(Link)

The two people who died had health conditions that would be worsened by caffeine and were regularly drinking this lemonade thinking it was regular lemonade, even though it says it's "charged" and has caffeine

On the actual panera menu it says the charged drinks have caffeine, whether they added that after all this idk

For reference most energy drinks are around 200 mg caffeine so these are just like one energy drink

It's not recommended to have more than 400 mg caffeine per day so I can see how having a warning like that would be good but like honestly this kinda just seems like people making an unfortunate mistake and not looking at the ingredients (which if you have health conditions and have to be careful otherwise you die then you should check ingredients on stuff you have everyday not trying to shame people just I have allergies it sucks to be like "oh this is probably fine" then it's not)

Seriously besides just adding "hey don't have more than 400 mg of caffeine a day It's bad for your heart" as a warning label I can't think of any other way to solve this cause it's not actually like a dangerous amount of caffeine and they can't police how much caffeine customers have like ya know

Honestly it's not good to have more than 200 mg caffeine a day and it's really not good to have it everyday and I think capitalism and overworking is more so the issue because people don't get enough sleep in this hellscape :v

vaspider

Panera's Charged Lemonades now come with a warning after multiple lawsuits allege that the drinks are related to the deaths of two people.

A large 30-ounce Charged Lemonade with ice contains 237 milligrams of caffeine, although Panera previously listed the same drink as having 390 mg of caffeine.

The listings you are looking at do not have the same caffeine as the drink that killed people. They've lowered the caffeine and updated the marketing. This is good -- the marketing and signage should be more accurate & the caffeine levels were like chugging two Red Bulls before they were lowered.

Sarah Katz, 21, had a heart condition and died hours after she drank Panera’s Charged Lemonade, a large cup of which contains more caffeine

The legal complaint called Charged Lemonade a “dangerous energy drink” and argues that Panera failed to adequately warn consumers about its ingredients, which also include guarana extract, another stimulant. The large cup contains more caffeine than standard cans of Red Bull and Monster energy drinks combined, as well as the equivalent of almost 30 teaspoonfuls of sugar.

It doesn't just contain caffeine, it also contains a second stimulant & an absolute fuckton of sugar -- and the key word in the headline is "now."

At the time of Katz’s death, Charged Lemonade was “offered side-by-side with all of Panera’s non-caffeinated and/or less caffeinated drinks” in the Philadelphia location near Katz’s University of Pennsylvania campus, according to the wrongful death lawsuit. Photos of the menu and the beverage dispensers in the store included in the legal complaint show it was advertised as “plant-based and clean,” containing as much caffeine as the restaurant’s dark roast coffee. ... But at 390 milligrams, the 30-fluid ounce large Charged Lemonade has more caffeine in total than any size of the company’s dark roast coffee... About a week and a half before she died, Katz bought an Unlimited Sip Club membership from Panera, which allows customers to pay a fee for unlimited refills of certain drinks, the lawsuit added. ... “By virtue of it being part of the Unlimited Sip Club, it’s suggesting to consumers that it’s safe to have more than one,” [Crawford] said. “And that is a big problem because it’s not safe to have one, let alone more than one.”

This isn't just a matter of how much caffeine is in the drink -- it is a matter of the disclosures (not adequate or outright misleading) and the marketing ("plant-based and clean", placed somewhere that customers can get unlimited refills on their own and right next to low- or non-caffeinated drinks.

Yes, one of the people who died had a health condition, and that's actually part of the point. The young woman who died had a heart condition she'd lived with for her whole life and she was extremely vigilant about her heart health. This does not disprove the idea that it's dangerous or that the marketing was misleading. Rather, it underlines how misleading the marketing must have been for someone who was so aware of the need to moderate her caffeine intake to not be aware of how absolutely lethal for her this drink would turn out to be.

dreamsofahedgehog

this sounds so much like the "McDonalds sold me hot coffee and now I'm suing!" interpretation of the Liebeck-case.

it's in the company's interest to make this a personal responsibility issue after they get sued to discourage people. You shouldn't drink too much caffeine, sure, but if you skip your coffee that day so you can have a charged lemonade (that should have about the same amount of caffeine), you're still ok right? Two cups of coffee is not unusual, so have another. At 390mg, that gets close to a dangerous amount and they didn't label it so you wouldn't even know. If you have an underlying condition (yes, even if you don't know it), you're in trouble.

Basically, you have the right to know what you put into your body but Panera put marketing first because shareholder payout (thanks for explaining that one Spider!) is all that matters. And without court cases, nothing changes because they wouldn't have clarified things if it didn't cost them.

So, until laws get more proactive about consumer safety, company standards are not to be trusted as being safe and the plaintiff in cases against them is VERY likely to have a point.

vaspider

It's funny, my first draft of my reply said "don't 'McDonald's hot coffee' this situation."

geekandmisandry

I'm so glad @vaspider added this because I was about to start fuming and googling all the data, and now I don't have to. Keep up the good work Spides, I may never have to make a point of my own again.

Don't mcdonalds hot coffee this.

spaceshipsandpurpledrank

niggatycricket

I'm so glad that T-Pain is still making music and letting us experience his voice. Idk who was giving him shit for using autotune but they better keep it to themselves.

geekandmisandry

I will hurt people I know to protect T Pain. And that includes you, Usher.

engulfes

How are these people not EMBARRASSEDDDDDDDDDDD go be ashamed of yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What has to be wrong with you to say this publicly on the internet for everyone to see 🙄

ocelotegg

slimetony

I got put on the acephobia blacklist for reblogging a joke about the grinch not jerking off

whereshadowsmakeshadows-deactiv

Good luck getting into grad school now you bigoted piece of shit

homunculus-argument

The thing is, those Manic Pixie Dream Girl movies aren't unrealistic because that kind of thing never happens in real life. They're unrealistic because they never show the epilogue five years later, where the Sadboy Protagonist is posting on reddit going "help, my girlfriend has cool unique hobbies and it's embarrassing me."

I don't know how this comes as a shock to some people, but if you're dating a girl with a bug collection, you're going to be dating a girl who proudly shows dead bugs to your mom.

funeralprocessor

Hey now. Sometimes you come back five years later and now they're both cool girls

transmascfucktoy

"my daughter turned out fine" your son wants to be collared and leashed and to be someone's pet

dogray

northern hemisphere babes we made it to the longest night of the year. we made it. for the next 6 months, every day will give us a little more daylight than the last. let's go. take my hand. climb out of the darkness with me

inthefallofasparrow

southern hemisphere babes, they're stealing our fucking daylight!

espanolbot2

A woman whose epilepsy was greatly improved by an experimental brain implant was devastated when she was forced to have it removed.

A woman whose epilepsy was greatly improved by an experimental brain implant was devastated when, just two years after getting it, she was forced to have it removed due to the company that made it going bankrupt.

marxistcrap

Specifically, because she couldn't afford to buy the implant from the company. They basically took her implant back to recoup their losses. This is what happens when you privatize healthcare and health research. The group providing her with this implant should not have been able to go bankrupt in the first place, let alone repossess her implant to pay off their debts.

femmeharlequin-deactivated20240

This is what disabled people mean when we say that cyberpunk horror is just a reality for us. This woman was literally forced to undergo a surgery because she couldn't pay to keep the implant already inside her brain. How long till companies start repossessing pacemakers and transplants?

cannabiscomrade

Durable medical equipment companies in the US already do this.

DMEs will repossess your medical devices if you rent it through them and lose your insurance or your living situation. This includes feeding tube pumps and higher value mobility devices like motorized wheelchairs. I specify living situation because even with insurance they see homelessness as a liability to the medical equipment.

They have no qualms with letting you die and in the case of feeding tubes, they have no issues with letting you starve a bit faster.

wherehog

Sonic the hedgehog is a really funny character actually. He is the fastest thing alive. He breaks the laws of physics on the regular. He’s just some guy. He has time travelled on several different occasions. He is homeless. He became a werewolf at one point. He can’t swim. He is an ADHD icon. He killed a time god. He died and was brought back to life. He is three feet tall

allergictosoap

He can breathe in space. He wears 80s thriller boots. He befriended the light god of earth. He only eats state fair food. He was a father figure for a robot that died. He was a prisoner of war for six months. His personality was based on Bill Clinton. He kissed a human girl on the lips. He taught the god of destruction how to process trauma. He’s canonically King Arthur.

doodle-girl

He’s canonically Santa Claus. He got stuck on a cruise ship once and lost every moral he had. He’s the only one who remembers the timeline before he killed the previously mentioned time god. He’s 15 years old. Actually I’m pretty sure he killed two time gods.

heartfuzz

i saw my own post on my dash for the first time so here’s some explaination:

1. “The foos are fighting now until 10pm” is dad’s way of telling me “foo fighters are on austin city limits for a full hour”

2. he does not call me pops he calls himself pops and he signed the text

3. he types in shorthand and uses as little punctuation as possible hence the “baked tater”

4. to this day he’s rly proud of this. i told him he has 180k notes and he giggles and says, “what was my line again?” and i tell him, “don’t like that pic” and he gets a kick out of it

funnypeopletwitter

Ok the guy with the net fucking killed me, I’m sure my neighbors heard me laughing.

yurious-george

School shootings. They don’t want you to hide guns.

dawnbutterfly

This is where we are, folks. We’ve come to the point where they’re demanding that children carry all of their school supplies in hand so that they don’t have to do anything about the gun violence problem in this shithole of a country.

kendrysaneela

I love malicious compliance

sunrisedespair

HISTORY COMES FULL CIRCLE, HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE STILL DOING THIS TO KIDS.

They did this shit at my school way back when Columbine had just happened!

Naturally, we invented all sorts of bullshit ways to carry our shit, because what the fuck, we need backpacks.

My favourites included:

-Fishing rod with twine tied around two pencils and a small pocket notebook.

-Tons of people got those little clear plastic bags they have in grocery stores for fruit and shit, and used them as see-through pencil cases

Note: THEY PROCEEDED TO THEN ALSO BAN THE BAGS AS “CHOKING HAZARDS”. WE WERE NOT THREE YEAR OLDS. OUR HEADS DIDN’T EVEN FIT IN THE FUCKING BAGS, AND BELIEVE ME, WE TRIED AS SOON AS THEY ANNOUNCED THE BAN, BECAUSE MOST OF US WOULD RATHER HAVE DIED THAN BEEN IN FUCKING SCHOOL BY THAT POINT. DID THEY THINK WE WERE GONNA STUFF THE BAGS DOWN OUR THROATS? CHRIST.)

-One kid dressed up like a priest and used the loose fabric of the cassock to carry three text books around all day.

-Someone hollowed out a fucking loaf of bread, pretended to be French all day, and made a show out of pulling a ridiculous number of highlighters out of this fucking bread in the middle of class.

Now that I think about it, I think that kid invented Panera Bread by accident. Y’know, the little bread soup bowls? This was that, but with highlighters instead of soup.

Eventually, things escalated, and the principal called the police after he went to the parking lot and found his car broken into– Nothing was stolen, but there were about 5000 fucking backpacks stuffed in his car, to the point that the door wouldn’t even open.

I don’t know who did it, or what group of people did it, but they’re all fucking heroes because the next week backpacks were permitted again.