shark vs the universe
Misplaced Lens Cap
cherry valley forever
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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art blog(derogatory)
tumblr dot com
trying on a metaphor
Origami Around
Monterey Bay Aquarium
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Kiana Khansmith
if i look back, i am lost
I'd rather be in outer space đ¸
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
#extradirty
Aqua Utopiaď˝ćľˇăŽĺşă§č¨ćśăç´Ąă
Three Goblin Art
almost home
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from South Korea
seen from TĂźrkiye
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from Jordan
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Mexico
seen from United Arab Emirates
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
@aranelsaraphim
âFypâ we donât do that here. I mean, Tumblr the app and website tries, but we don't do that here.
âBut then how will anyone see it?â peer review.
âHow do you get engagement?â by talking and engaging with other people. Or making a devastating typo. Either way.
âButââ Listen, youâre not doing solo stand up anymore. This is a group improv class being held in a SAW dungeon. Good luck.
Favorite thing about the Red Note shenanigans: Mongolian ranchers suddenly gaining a rabid following of American horse girls and being like "we knew you had cowboys but we didn't know you value and love horses as friends like we do, this is excellent"
Mongolian rancher đ¤ American horse girl synergy I guess
Imagine hearing this behind the bush and you thought its a cat đđ
Okay, but cheetahs seem to do best in captivity.
These poor anxiety ridden bastards cant handle alone time and need a canine friend to keep them from becoming an even BIGGER neurotic mess. Their anxiety can get bad enough that when it comes time to bow chika meow meow, they cant get the deed done. Their birth rates in the wild are dismal, and their survival rates arent any better. A cheetah mother will do minimal defense of her cubs, then say fuck those kids and book it like a first time shoplifter when the rent-a-cops saunter through if the fight needs more than a token effort.
Like every other predator in the world, theyd much rather take a nap than try and beat Usain Bolt in a footrace or catch a snack on hooves. Folks used to keep them as pets, once upon a time, and these failcats on speed have been trying to get themselves domesticated ever since. They meow, they purr, and it's not unheard of or uncommon for groups in the wild to cuddle-pile on a human ranger for pets and naptime.
There are NO documented records of a wild cheetah killing a human, and ONLY 2 instances in captivity. Compare that to Fido or Spot's stats, or any other wild animal, but do bear in mind the difference in numbers.
Honestly, they're trying their damndest to be friend shaped, and maybe we should let them. It could end up being the best way to save the species.
FAILCATS ON SPEED đ¤Ł
"cheetahs want to be domesticated and we should domesticate them" isn't the take I expected but goddamn am I here for it
The foam was not as gross looking irlđđ
who tf is looking at the foam
Foam? What foam?
omfg
Fiction is disappointing in its portrayal ofâŚpeopleâs weirdness. Just how weird people really are in real life.
So many books have all their characters be incredibly normal and Iâm like ????? You guys can go outside and not run into someone who is even slightly strange? Or act like âquirksâ are only for characters who are explicitly supposed to be eccentric instead of justâŚpeople being people.
like, my neighbor sunbathes in his driveway in his underwear and builds coffins in his spare time. My OTHER neighbor just sets things on fire whenever he needs to relax so at random times heâll be out burning his deck furniture or something. I knew a guy in high school who woke up every morning at 3am and could lip sync flawlessly to every veggietales song. I knew a girl who collected hand sanitizer and wore bright, glittery green eyesore alligator earrings after she got her ears pierced. our family friend back in Tennessee owns six pugs and an unbridled pug obsession. My brother (13) aspires to be a hobo and calls himself Moped the Cheapskate. My grandma reads ya novels (she loved six of crows btw), determined that she was a ravenclaw through the internet, is responsible for me learning my first curse word, and flips off trump when sheâs watching him on TV. one of my high school friends was a conspiracy theorist who did intense research about chemtrails. a member of my squad when I was like 14 was referred to by us only as Poodle. the guy who taught my public speaking class in high school moderated a doomsday prepper forum and would talk wistfully about how he would like a bunker. I used to work out with a guy who worshiped Thor smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt. today my best friend literally just ate dirt while we were hanging out and I can only be just like âwhatever, he eats leaves, the little packets that say do not eat, and food off the floor of restaurants, how could a little dirt hurt him?â because thatâs just what he does he justâŚeats things
The sad thing is that almost everyone I know would be The Weird One if they were part of the cast of a book?? But it isnt weird to be weird or eccentric or the opposite of normal. people are justâŚthat way. books drop any somewhat unusual quality as a marker that a person is âeccentricâ and I promise you canât make your characters too weird
Because I write down people that I meet and hear of: my dad met a lady at his work who claimed to be psychic and talked at length about how ghosts would watch her shower (âI hope you like what youâre seeing!â she would tell them) and about the ghost-seeing party she was planning. He talked to a woman who was a sonographer and who had an enormous tattoo of a dragon all the way up her leg and thigh. âOrgans move. Babies donât,â was her wisdom. He met a guy with a phobia of glitter. People are weird. Thereâs no excuse to make stock characters and people who are average and without quirks. To me it just makes them seem undeveloped because EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING.
People are just weird. let them be weird pls
Okay fuck it if this post reaches 666k notes by the end of 2023 I'll practise basic self care
Why 666k? Because it's funny and impossible so good fucking luck
Well, OP, Iâm officially invested in this shit. Your whiny ass is doing self care if I have to drive to your goddamn house and do it for you.
By Talos this can't be happening
reblog this everyone i wanna see what happens when opâs reverse-hubris forces them to practice basic self care.
why? because itâs funny and completely possible actually so good fucking luck op
I figured out roughly how many notes it's been getting per day and multiplied that by the number of days left until the end of 2023
If we keep it going at this rate we'll be far past 666k
IMPORTANT
Okay so clearly I've underestimated y'all
So how about we make this more interesting?
I will practise self care if this post reaches 666k BY THE END OF 2022
Op you have fuckethed with the devil this post has gained 30,000 notes since I reblogged it last night
OP I hope you are ready to practice some self care because if there's one thing the gremlins of tumblr love it's a challenge.
i normally hate these "oh noo don't give me a ton of notes" posts but this one? this one i love.
posts that have 666k notes TO ME. and hopefully to you, too, OP. đ
Let's all practice self care if this post hits the magic numberâŚ
YALL HELP US
@bigfootshonkers @dollopheadsandclotpoles @gwaine-the-rock-johnson @hannahhook7744 @knightofwoodsbeyond @reality-schmality @thirteenthedoctor @yoursassybookwormfriend if you want to of course @fuckyeahsnackables
Op telling us we'll never make it to 666k by the end of 2023 (only having to make it 2022 after all):
Us:
I was going to wait until y'all hit the mark, But I feel like I should say this now
When I made this post, it was supposed to be a joke
I mean, none of my posts ever get more than 20 notes if I'm lucky, so what are the odds of one reaching 666k? Impossible, haha
But then, something happened, something I didn't expect
People actually began to... like it? And... reblog? And comment?
Before I knew it, my notifications were swarmed with comments after comments after reblogs after comments all on this one post
Then, still in the mindset of this being a joke, I realised I'd made the goal too easy, so I upped the stakes
But... the notes just got more frequent from there
And it started to hit me just what was happening
For a while, I was overwhelmed with a feeling
A feeling I wasn't used to
It was like... all of a sudden... I mattered...
My existance was actually noteworthy
People actually... cared?
It wasn't a game anymore, it was a race to assure a stranger on the Internet that they were actually worth something
Hundreds of people all gathering in one online place to help out
Leaving messages and well wishes
Making me smile
Making me laugh
Funny comments
Jokes
Fun facts
Even simple comments
It all suddenly felt so real
This was never a joke to you
This was important
And I won't let any of that go in vain
So... stay tuned I suppose
I'll look after myself, and I'll post proof of it too
I'll catalogue every time I put my health first
Physical and mental
I'll acknowledge my bad days and celebrate my good days
But most of all
I won't forget this
Any of this
Ever
(Tagging all the people in that screenshot)
@deepsea-bathyna @royalsampaguita @timeturnerturns @twerkyvulture @reblogspamletsgoooo @gender-crisis-time @obsidianstrawberrymilk @shana-rosee @thefandombringer @sunshinedarlingiloveyou @bregee13 @moonlarking-blog @arcan6yo @crazyw3irdo @xinea @ghastmaskzombie @killthestairs @abalidoth @leesbian42
OP, I am so glad that you feel this way about this. You deserve self-care, even in the incredibly unlikely event that this post doesn't reach 666K.
You also deserve the care of others. I, and everyone else reblogging this post, might never meet you. But we want you to take care of yourself, we want you to be happy. You deserve that from others. We're just showing you that the only way we can, by making this post grow notes.
Good luck OP. I hope everything goes well, and you put yourself first when you need to.
(And we're still going to give this as many notes as we can.)
701k when I reblogged it! Congrats!!
The biggest reason the war on "Happy Holidays" is dumb as fuck is that even in a strictly Christian context, the holidays in question are Christmas and New Year's.
Even the most carefully sheltered religious ignoramous who's never heard of Diwali or Chanukah HAS heard of New Year's Day. You knowâthat thing that happens a week after Christmas? That's often a government-mandated statutory holiday? Where all the calendars change? So close to Christmas that many businesses, schools, and other institutions often take the days between them off too?
It's so absolutely clear that the grown adults peddling this crap are making something up to get angry about, because Christians have been wishing each other Happy Holidays for centuries. (Twelve whole days of Christmas, and extra events like Epiphany or Feast of the Innocents, too! These days we even get Second Christmas, for the Julian calendar folks!)
They're not angry about "erasing Christmas". Christmas is indelible. They're angry at having to acknowledge literally any other religion as having a right to exist, more or less. They want to live in a theocracy, while simultaneously saying that religious oppression would be terrible if it happened... to them.
I'm so goddamn sick of it. Of people who ask "Which holidays?" as if it's some sort of sick burn, not something that can slide from moderate inanity through to actively bigoted malice.
Keep Christ in Christmas?
Great idea. You start. Love your neighbour and shut the fuck up.
I felt like shit until I saw the cat sculpture of wood
Curer of depression, bode sculpture cat
Perry Lancaster
Ty so so much for reblogging with the artist name bc now he has more dollars and I have a little cat statue on its way :3
memeception
WEâVE HIT TERMINAL MEME
@caesarianconfection
Iâve said âI hate thisâ so many times on this website, and never actually meant it, because âI hate thisâ is just shorthand for âthis is an example of a meme given a twist I wasnât expecting with intent to surpriseâ. Which is, in of itself, a meme on this site. God damn it.
But this⌠This is something else.
The rapidity of a memeâs introduction to its zenith to its decline is so rapid that in ten years, youâll need a damn twenty-page manual to explain this. Itâll be as unfunny and hard to explain as jokes in Shakespeare plays, except even more inexplicable because fuck, at least Shakespeareâs jokes are usually about anal or fucking your mother, good wholesome sex jokes we can all get behind.
For the love of fuck, how do you explain loss.jpg? How do you explain gun?
âŚ.I THOUGHT THIS WAS A YMCA REFERENCE
it is a YMCA reference - thatâs one of the 6 memes being represented here
ok let me see if i can break this down easily. YMCA is the easiest place to start - the song itself has become a meme over time with people changing the lyrics to reference other pop cultural events. so YMCA is meme one (1)
this first lyric replacement (âtake the breadsticks and runâ) is a reference to the tumblr meme âstuffing breadsticks into my purseâ. i think everyone remembers that one so i wont bother to explain it. thatâs meme two (2)
âman door hand hook car doorâ is a meme of its own, a creepypasta from i dont remember when. it was a terrible stupid retelling of the generic âstuck in a car while hook handed man tries to kill usâ story so the stupid title caught on for memorability. that in and of itself is meme three (3)
âgunâ is⌠yeah i dont know how to explain gun. long story short you add gun to the end of a phrase instead of what you expect the last word to be. its shock funny. its everywhere but its popular to add to âman door hand hook car doorâ for.. some reason? gun is meme four (4)
and the thing is, this four meme combo is something thats gone around before. meme combos are, itself, a meme. which means taking this meme combo and mixing in another meme actually becomes meme five (5)
which leaves us at loss.jpg. loss.jpg was a terrible bad comic supposed to be about some tragic event, but it was presented so poorly literally no one takes it seriously, and for some reason recreating the four-panel setup has become popular. so thats meme six (6)
(but i need to add that this is the greatest version of loss.jpg i think iâve ever seen. the initial âyoung manâ lines up with the guy bursting through the door, and the shock meme âgunâ matches the shock scene of the woman in the hospital and idk if OP even thought about that but it makes this just so much better)
I wasnât going to reblog this, but @pagesofkennaâs comprehensive meme-by-meme annotation is a thing of beauty and should be shared.
average tumblr post contains one meme, this post, which contains six, is an outlier and should not be counted
it might also just be a coincidence due to loss.jpgâs format but the whole white minimalist four-panel setup is also suspiciously reminiscent of those early 2000âs rage comics
I was getting a political compass vibe too
tag urself im man door hand hook car gun
This works better than I thought it would.
This was in my senior project
Iâm not sorry.
EIGHT MEME COMBO
FATALITY
We have officially created a new languageÂ
I just had to do it to em
THIS FUCKING THREAD IâM GONNA CRY
I LOST IT AND MAN DOOR HAND HOOK CAR GUN AND DIDNâT EXPECT MORE IâM SOBBING
M E M E T E N
W o w
You know I had to
I hope you know this is the most cursed addition to my post, and I love it
THIRTEEN!?
SOMEONE EDIT THIS FROM THE ORIGINAL PHOTO SAYING âthis one does not spark joyâ TO THIS VERSION SAYING âthis one sparks joyâ
well i added my contribution : )
whyâ
IM SCREAMING
This is the most elaborate meme I have ever seen and damn am I concerned by how it makes sense.
âYouâre in your 30s, but you still understand all this meme stuff?â âOh yeah, sure.â âCan you explain it to me?â âI absolutely fucking cannot.â
One does not simply explain this
Edit:
Another freaking layer!!!
16 motherfucking layers
In the future someoneâs going to ask me to explain this and Iâm going to be at a loss.jpg for words
Memes are just modern dadaism
new heresy that makes the bible way funnier:
god genuinely had no idea that people would be able to disobey him, when he made them. angels couldnât! everything in the universe was just an extension or a reflection of god himself, operating in perfect mechanical order. then he put a spark of his own creative consciousness in an animal and it turned out it could disobey him.
like, thatâs why he told adam and eve not to access a perfectly accessible tree. nothing else in the universe up until that point would have done something he told them not to.
thatâs why he asks cain a perfectly ridiculous question, given that he would have watched the murder happen right in front of him: where is your brother? what did you do to him? he didnât know cain could lie. even when adam and eve disobeyed him, surprising absolutely everyone involved, they hadnât figured out lying yet. cain figured out lying.
thatâs why god decides to destroy humans and start over only a few centuries later. he has no idea what to do. not only are people disobeying and lying to him, theyâve started completely ignoring him, too. he can control the wind, the water, the plants, the animals, the angels, the heavens, the earth. but he cut a part of himself loose and gave it to this totally unique new critter and now he canât get it back. he canât make anyone do anything, and now they know it. he had to carve humanity back down to the one family that actually, for whatever reason, still listened to him, and he had to ride them pretty fucking hard from that point onward to make sure they didnât justâŚ.. stop. because at any point basically any human, ever, even the ones who liked him, could just randomly decide to fuck off and do their own thing.
then like, according to christians, god thought maybe he could get a handle on whatever the fuck was going on with how bad humans were being by making another human who had even more god in him than all the other humans, and that didnât work either. and also even jesus himself didnât know what humans were going to do next, which was kill him young. like, god had to break the news to him based on an educated guess, and it was a big surprise to him! he was really upset! thereâs a whole scene!
like, i think this is hands down the funniest fucking thing to conclude about god ever. he didnât know it was going to turn out like this when he started and he didnât know what to do when it did. heâs been basically scrambling to stay on top of the situation for six thousand years and heâs totally beefed it repeatedly.
god the omnipotent lord of creation knows everything, except what youâre going to do next. god the supreme ruler of the universe can do anything, except stop you. you have a little piece of god inside you and it lets you defy the most fundamental machinery of existence basically whenever you like.
if thatâs not funny, i donât know what is.
@roach-worksâ original tags are too good to lose
more good tags from the heretical community:
The HORSE (humankind) is LOOSE (loose) in the HOSPITAL (all of creation) !!
You know that Star Trek: TNG episode where they ask the computer to make a hologram character capable of defeating Data?
Yeah, that.
Itâs entirely possible that God went âI want the experience of not knowing everything. I want to be surprised. I will create a creature like me in that I cannot know what itâs going to do just by directing it to do something! This will be delightful.â
A few days later:
â ⌠mistakes were made.â
âX bodily fluid is just filtered blood!â buddy I hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood).
âOkay but why is it always so chemically roundabout and unnecessarily complicatedâ well buddy, thatâs because your blood is imitation seawater. See? Itâs very simple.
Blood is what now?
Itâs imitation seawater what part is confusing
#are you telling me#humans are just sentient aquariums?Â
Buddy if anything is living in your blood (except for more parts of you) in detectable amounts then you have a serious microbial infection and need to go to the hospital.
Humans are seawater wastelands kept sterile of all but human cells, with microbial mats coating their surfaces.
Thank you thatâsâŚvery disturbing
Itâs not my fault youâre human.
Ok but âItâs not my fault youâre human.â Is the best comeback ever.
You can use it against anyone except children that you biologically helped to create.
#/blood is imitation seawater/ is the part thatâs confusingÂ
Picture this: you are a Thing That Lives In The Ocean. Some kind of small multicellular animal a long time ago, before proper circulatory systems existed. âWow,â you think, metaphorically, âit sure is difficult to diffuse chemicals across my whole body. Kinda puts a hard limit on the size and distance of what specialised organs I can have. Good thing I have all this water around me thatâs the same salinity as my cells (they have to be that way so I donât explode or shrivel up) so I can diffuse and filter chemicals with that.â
âWait a minute,â you say a couple of generations later, because youâre not actually a small animal but an evolutionary process personified and simplified to the point of dangerous inaccuracy for the purposes of a Tumblr post, âinstead of losing all these important chemicals to the water around me, how about I put it in tubes? I can keep MY water separate from the rest of the worldâs water! Anything I want to keep goes in my water! Anything I donât, I dump back into the outside water! Iâm a genius! An unthinking natural trial-and-error process thatâs a GENIUS!â
âWow,â you think a great many generations later, âbeing able to have such control over such high concentrations of important chemicals is so great. Look how big Iâm getting. I even have a special pump to move my seawater around, and these cool filter systems to keep the chemicals in it right, and that control and chemical concentration has let me grow so many energy-intensive, highly specialised organs! Being big is so hard. I need special cells just to carry my oxygen around now, to make sure my enormous, constantly-operating body has enough of it.â
At this point you are embodying a fish, and eventually, fish start straying into water with different pressures and salinity levels. (I mean, they do that since befor ehtyâer fish, but⌠look, Iâm trying to keep things simple here.) âWhat the FUCK,â you think. âMy inside water is at a different salinity and pressure to the outside water?? How am I supposed to deal with that? I canât have freshwater inside my seawater tubes! My cells have a set salinity and they would explode! I need to start beefing up my regulatory and filter systems so that my inside seawater STAYS SEAWATER OF THE CORRECT SALINITY even if the outside water is different! Fortunately, adding salt to my seawater is a lot easier than removing it, and I want to be saltier than this weird outside water.â At this point you beef up your liver and urinary systems to compensate for different salinities. (Note: the majority of fish, freshwater and saltwater, have a fairly narrow band of salinities they can live in. Every fish doesnât get to deal with every level of salinity; they are evolved to regulate within specific bands.)
You also, at some point, go out on land. This is new and weird because you have to carry all of your water inside. âItâs a good thing I turned myself into a giant bag of seawater,â you think. âIf I wasnât carrying my seawater inside, how would I transport all these important chemicals between my organs and the environment?â As you specialise to live entirely outside of the water, you realise (once again) that itâs a lot easier to add salt to water than to remove it in great quantities. Drinking seawater in large amounts becomes toxic; your body isnât specialised for removing that amount of salt. Instead, you drink freshwater, and add salts to that. The majority of your organs are, at this point, specialised for moving your seawater around, protecting it, adding stuff to it, or taking stuff out. You have turned yourself into an intelligent bag for carrying and regulating a small amount of imitation seawater, and its salinity (and your commitment to maintaining that salinity) is based entirely on the seawater that some early animals started to build tubes around a long time ago.
And thatâs what a human is!
Well, thereâs another few steps, of course.
Because at some point, operating along lines of logic that worked out perfectly so far, you did decide to be a mammal.
A mammal is a machine for adapting to Circumstances. A mammal is a tremendously resilient all-terrain life-support system, with built-in heating, cooling, respiration, and incubators for reproduction. Mammals internalise everything (grudges, eggs) and furthermore are excessively, flamboyantly wet internally. Sure, everyoneâs a bag of chemicals; but mammals slosh. Mammals took the concept of an internal ocean and took it in an unnecessarily splashy direction, added aftermarket mods and a climate-control system,
and just to show off, you leaned across the metaphorical gambling table and said: âmy internal ocean is so good-â
âBullshit,â said the shark, keeping it salty (ha)
âMy internal ocean is so brilliantly resilient, more so than any of YOURS,â you said, holding their attention with a digit held aloft, âthat for my next trick, I shall artistically recreate the ballad of evolution as a performance. I shall craft a complex chemical ballet depicting the origin of multicellular life - using some of my own material, of course-â
âOh, ANYONE can lay an egg,â yodel the fish, and the ray adds: âontogeny does NOT recapitulate phylogeny!!â
And youâre like, âyeah no, itâs an artistic rendition, not a literal thing. Basically Iâm going to take some cells and brew them up-â
âLike an egg.â
âLike an egg. An egg but internally.â
âYeah,â said the viviparous reptile, âyeah, like, that can work really well. Iâve always said itâs the highest test of oneâs chemical know-how. Itâs a lot of work. And forget about support from your family - forget about support from your PHYLUM - all you get is criticism.â
âIâm gonna do it on purpose forever,â you said. âThe highest chemical, thermoregulatory, immunological, everything-logical challenge. Itâs gonna be my thing.â
âIâm with you,â said a viviparous fish, stoutly. âRepresentation.â
You kindly donât point out, once again, that youâre planning to do this outside the ocean, in a range of temperatures; carrying the dividing cells in a perfect 37.5⢠solution of saline broth in all terrains, breathing oxygen in a complicated matter, you know, bit more difficult; but you need your allies.
âItâs solid,â says the coelacanth.
âBut is it metal?â says the deep-vent organism.
âOh, itâs metal. I will feed the young,â you say, magnificently, âon an echo of the mother ocean. The first rich feast of cellular matter, the first hunt for sustenance, the first bite they sip of our liquid planet-â
Everyone waits.
âWill be a blood byproduct. My own blood byproduct.â
Everyone looks uncomfortable.
âBut,â a hagfish says carefully, âdonât you outdoorsy guys still need your blood?â
You cough and explain that if you stay wet enough internally and hydrate frequently, you should be able to produce enough blood byproduct to sustain your hellish new invention until they can eat your peers.
The outrage that follows includes questions like âis this some furry shit?â And: âmilk has WATER in it?â
And you won the bet. âMy inner ocean is such a perfect homage to the primordial soup that I can personally cook up an entire live hairy mammal in it. And then generate excess blood byproduct from my body and give it to the small mammal until it gets big.â
That is an absolutely bonkers pitch, by the way, and everyone thought you were a showoff, even before the opposable thumbs. When the winter came, and the winter of winters, and the rain was acid and the air was poison on the tender shells of their eggs and choked the children in the shells; when the plants turned to poison, and the ocean turned against you all; when the climate changed, and the worldâs children fell to shadow; your internal ocean was it that held true. A bet laid against the changing fates, a bet laid by a small beast against climate and geography and the forces of outer space, that you won. The dinosaurs fell and the pterosaurs fell and the marine reptiles dwindled, and you, furthest-child, least-looked-for, long-range-spaceship, held hope internally at 37.5 degrees. Which is another thing that humans do, sometimes.
This is a lovely paean, Elodie!
I love that I scrolled past to catch you saying this! Thank u!
locusimperium:
A few years ago, when I was living in the housing co-op and looking for a quick cookie recipe, I came across a blog post for something called âNorwegian Christmas butter squares.â Iâd never found anything like it before: it created rich, buttery and chewy cookies, like a vastly superior version of the holiday sugar cookies Iâd eaten growing up. About a year ago I went looking for the recipe again, and failed to find it. The blog had been taken down, and it sent me into momentary panic.Â
Luckily, I remembered enough to find it on the Wayback Machine, and quickly copied it into a file that Iâve saved ever since. I probably make these cookies about once a month, and they last about five days around my voracious husband - theyâre fantastic with a cup of bitter coffee or tea. Iâm skeptical that there is something distinctively Norwegian about these cookies, but they do seem like the perfect thing to eat on a cold day.Â
Norwegian Christmas Butter Squares
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 egg 1 cup sugar 2 cups flour 1 tsp vanilla ½ tsp salt Turbinado/ Raw Sugar for dusting
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Chill a 9x13âł baking pan in the freezer. Do not grease the pan.
Using a mixer, blend the butter, egg, sugar, and salt together until it is creamy. Â Add the flour and vanilla and mix using your hands until the mixture holds together in large clumps. If it seems overly soft, add a little extra flour.Â
Using your hands, press the dough out onto the chilled and ungreased baking sheet until it is even and Âź inch thick. Â Dust the top of the cookies evenly with raw sugar.
Bake at 400 degrees until the edges turn a golden brown, about 12-15 minutes. Remove from the oven. Let cool for about five minutes before cutting the cooked dough into squares. Remove the squares from the warm pan using a spatula.
So I tried this recipe.
And it is GREAT.
It basically makes the platonic ideal of commercial sugar cookies, only in bar form. When I give them to people (which I do a lot, because this is one of those simple recipes where the results seem very impressive), I just tell them theyâre sugar cookie bars.
Life hack: add white chocolate chips and sea salt
I made these today for the equinox with sea salt caramel chips and they are simply amazing. Letâs see how long they last with six people in the house!
Noting for later (as we need more butter for this, and probably wonât do a grocery shopping till the weekend).
The OP version of this has become my go-to cookie for basically all things and I have a whole cohort of friends and colleagues who would murder each other to get them. Havenât tried any add ons yet, since the base recipe is SO GOOD.
Iâve reblogged this before and Iâm reblogging it again because Iâm about to make it again tomorrow and I wanted to add my own tale of just how amazingly delicious it. it was SO incredibly simple to bake and with an extra dusting of brown sugar on top and served warm and soft they gift you with the taste of the nectar of the gods when paired with a small glass of milk. this image is from when I first made them a couple years ago:
GO. MAKE THESE !!!!
I make these every Christmas. One year they didnât work out and I went to family Christmas without them and three people nearly cried.
I have had a really full and busy day today, but the highlight was:
So I'm sitting in the staff work area and one of my colleagues comes up to me. There's an open day this weekend, and so we need to plan an activity for the would-be students.
"Simple!" I say. "Let's get them to dissect some owl pellets. Hands on, fun, they get to play with skulls."
"Good idea!" she says. "But we'll need something even fancier for the open day in February. What can we do? Perhaps we can take some soil samples."
And as we're debating the photogenic merits of soil Vs dead mice...
Suddenly, a Dashing and Handsome Stranger (read: an autistic engineering lecturer) appears with a flourish (read: launches himself into a seat beside us while visibly and physically vibrating with excitement about his special interest being Useful) and asks "HELLO I'M SORRY DID YOU SAY SOIL BECAUSE I HAVE A RAMAN MICROSCOPE"
"Amazing!" declares my colleague. "...Who are you?"
"COME AND SEE IT!!!" he says, currently the human embodiment of the :D emoticon.
We went and saw it. It's an excellent microscope and his ten minute infodump about it was both spectacular and also extremely useful. We're going to use it to assess microplastics.
I have a new friend.
Guess who I saw again today! I say 'saw', he hunted me down to invite me to train on using his microscopes - it turned out some of the engineers asked if they could look at explosive substances with it and he was like NO YOU MAY NOT IT'S POWERED BY A LASER so now he's insisting that everyone train on it, but wanted to ask me if I'd like to do it. Obviously I have said yes. He's getting an SEN as well so he's put my name down for that, too.
And then we compared notes on working in labs, and he told me about the time he was sent to the 'chemical cupboard' in his last lab and found a Tesco bag of asbestos, three and a half kilos of TNT, and half a pint of cyanide, and when he told the health and safety woman she just said he should use a lone working protocol, and he was so angry he yelled A LONE WORKING PROTOCOL WILL NOT SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM A DIRTY BOMB, CAROLINE
I love this man
Why did the chemical cupboard have three and a half kilos of trinitrotolulene (the full name for TNT, for those unaware), and was it at the very least an explosives cupboard?
It was not in an explosives cupboard, and he didn't know. Basically this was in an HE building being converted over to a young offenders institute, and for whatever reason, all the science teachers quit en masse as the switch was happening, leaving all their students in the lurch. So one morning he came into work, was told he was being promoted to Technical Demonstrator, given a Bunch of Mysterious Keys, and told he had three hours to familiarise himself with the contents of the chemical cupboard.
"Great," he said. "Where is the chemical cupboard?"
"Shrug emoji," his boss said gravely, and wandered off to have crisps.
So he spent an hour wandering the building and trying his keys in every lock before finally finding a door that opened, and upon finally opening it, was immediately greeted by a Tesco carrier bag on the floor labelled 'Asbestos, do not touch'.
"Right-o," he thought. "No touching that."
But then he had two hours left to familiarise himself with the packed shelf contents of quite a large room, and the problem is that when you tell an autistic lab tech to familiarise themselves with a room full of chemicals, what they hear is not "Have a quick look so you have an idea of what's there", it's "These chemicals must be catalogued in detail and also here have a time pressure," so he was going to be both Thorough and Grumpy about this. And this room was packed.
The oldest bottle he found was a reagent opened in 1959.
It had crystallised.
("It was quite beautiful, actually," he told me dreamily. "A work of art. I wish I'd kept it.")
The cyanide, when he finally found it, was in a stoppered glass vial. So that was the point he lost his shit and went and grabbed Caroline.
The kicker is, Caroline didn't care. She insisted they didn't have the money or resources to spare on getting rid of it. So he had to march all the way to the Dean's office.
"You look like you're having a bad day," she said warily.
"Well I thought it would peak with the Tesco carrier bag of asbestos I found," he said, "but I was very wrong."
And that's how you give your boss a heart attack.
the idea that itâs âcreepyâ to interact with things posted a long time ago is so terrible for artists and contributes to the pressure to be constantly creating new work, at an unhealthy and unsustainable rate. I hate it so much.
The idea that itâs âcreepyâ to interact with an artistâs old work from a while back is especially stupid since we have entire buildings filled with the old works of various artists for the explicit purpose of creating public interaction with them, and theyâre called museums.
and libraries
and archives
me: oh wow, this is such an impressive workâ
the ghost of michaelangelo, appearing at my side: avert your fucking eyes, creep
vvitch better have my money
payeth me what thee owe me
this is black phillip, the money goat! reblog in 10 sec and money will come your way so you can live deliciously
reblogging to live deliciously
