this is a dick grayson defense account💖

She/Her, Bi this exists purely as self indulgence that caters to me and me alone and thus will be a chaotic medley of my bullshit but like if you get something out of it too that’s cool (pfp by @allineedisonedream)

[lavenderprose]

Things that are ACTUALLY in the Shane Hollander Mic'd Up compilation that we all wish we could watch through the portal:

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

- "Great goal. Great goal. Lyublyu tebya. Yes, baby, you did that."

[aspiring-wildfire]

okay lowkey i just saw a song of achilles hollanov au on ao3 with ilya as achilles and shane as patroclus and like. to be clear. i think that idea rules and i like it a lot. BUT ALSO. i’m sorry yall shane is 1000% achilles in that dynamic

like?? canonical things about ilya rozanov:

follows his boyfriend to another country and willingly gives up a lot of his own reputation in the process

has a shitty fucking father who sees him as a disappointment (tell me grigory wouldn’t look at shane winning some shit when he and ilya were kids and immediately use it to make ilya feel like shit)

cares about hockey and his legacy but sees it primarily as a means to an end to escape his horrible fucking life

canonical things about shane, on the other hand, include:

probably the best hockey player of all time (esp once ilya moves to ottawa) (yes ik he also moves to ottawa later but u get it)

has two parents who both love him deeply and support him in becoming The Best but also can’t protect him from the pain that comes with that

struggles so hard with his sexuality and the idea of being out in large part because he sees hockey and his legacy within it as an extension of himself!! it takes his whole team straight up blaming him for losing a playoff game before he even really considers leaving montreal because despite everything he still wants his jersey hung in the rafters there!!! he doesn’t want anyone to have a doubt in their mind that he was the best to ever do it and he can’t help but see moving to the centaurs as a failure!!

tl;dr one of these boys would go to a war they knew would kill them in order to cement their place as a hero and warrior worthy of myth, even if it meant sacrificing a long and peaceful life with the man they loved, and it isn’t ilya

[cloudabserk]

dr ilya to the rescue! inspired by this post

[charlesoberonn]

"Diversity of opinion" but the opinions are "We should use a chainsaw to rescue a cat from a tree" and "We should trap more cats on the tree and then set it on fire"

[charlesoberonn]

To clarify: If those are your only options (and they often are) it's your moral imperative to choose the chainsaw.

[creepykuroneko]

Fuck this rhetoric. You are not obligated to choose the chainsaw. Go create a better solution.

[charlesoberonn]

[terminally-twentyeight]

#mybloodchainsaw

[megamindsupremacy]

It is true in my heart of hearts that everyone. or at least a solid majority of people. genuinely think the inciting incident of the HuntervHollander fight is that Scott called Shane a slur. I’m being serious. There is very little that could get Hockey’s Two Goodest Boys beating each other up especially with the genuine rage Shane was displaying there. A week after the fight Shane and Scott’s agents have to force them to separately release statements that are just “I did not say something racist to one of the only Asian players in the league” and “I did not try to kill Scott because he said a racist slur to me” because the hockey community is tearing them to SHREDS absolutely convinced Scott said some heinous shit to get Shane to react like that. Which. He did. But it was a gay-on-gay hate crime and nobody was guessing that.

[megamindsupremacy]

That being said, the public reaction also gets flipped a complete 180 after Scott comes out. The new prevailing theory is that Scott hinted at being gay and Shane immediately tried to do a homophobia about it. Suddenly Shane is getting canceled over alleged homophobia. This would be the funniest thing to ever happen to Ilya if Shane wasn’t freaking out to him about being associated with the concept of being gay even in a homophobic way. Scott and Shane have to release ANOTHER pair of statements which are “I was not trying to commit a hate crime, I did not know Scott was gay at this point in time” and “I did not tell Hollander I was gay to instigate a fight”. Once again, only some people believe them.

[megamindsupremacy]

Hollanov comes out and Scott’s public response is to tweet a clip of their fight and an “I’ve known for a while”. it is ONLY at this point that people start putting together what actually fucking happened that one time five years ago Hollander randomly tried to kill Hunter “unprovoked”. And obviously Ilya fighting for his man’s life in the comments is what confirms everything.

[megamindsupremacy]

It is true in my heart of hearts that everyone. or at least a solid majority of people. genuinely think the inciting incident of the HuntervHollander fight is that Scott called Shane a slur. I’m being serious. There is very little that could get Hockey’s Two Goodest Boys beating each other up especially with the genuine rage Shane was displaying there. A week after the fight Shane and Scott’s agents have to force them to separately release statements that are just “I did not say something racist to one of the only Asian players in the league” and “I did not try to kill Scott because he said a racist slur to me” because the hockey community is tearing them to SHREDS absolutely convinced Scott said some heinous shit to get Shane to react like that. Which. He did. But it was a gay-on-gay hate crime and nobody was guessing that.

[isnt-that-wizardd]

i am absolutely in agreement that shane & ilya are the superior game changers couple, but the fact that there are actual scott & kip haters is so wild to me, they are such an amazing pair 😭

just let that steve rogers coded old man kiss his art history smoothie boy in PEACE

[idiot-mushroom]

my friend wanted me to make this

[ahhhdownwego]

Congratulations! You made the right choice

[argillaforma]

ilya hanging out with The GuysTM and they get a little drunk and start talking about girls and sex and they make a game out of who has done the craziest thing in the bedroom and the guys say stuff like in high school i fucked my gf while her dad was home and yeah jessie wanted to tie me up the other day and ilya will say things like one time shane couldn’t sleep so i edged him the whole night and then made him cum so hard he passed out and slept for seven hours and shane bought this book with 100 different sex positions and we tried them all over three days and he made a spreadsheet and the guys just pat him on the back like sure roz, keep telling yourself that, there’s no way hollander wants anything but regular missionary for 8 minutes and no matter what ilya says they never believe him

[chubby-cry-baby]

ilya's phd

inspired by the twitter ovechkin phd reveal

he doesnt tell anyone that he's getting a phd because he didn't know how long it would take but mainly because of the reactions he knew he would get

"shane are you busy on june 17th" "no I should be free why do you wanna do something" "yes I have my graduation will you come" "graduation? huh? for what?" "for my phd" "WHAT" "remember I told you about defending it a few weeks ago" "I thought you were doing something else not defending A DISSERTATION - wait what is your dissertation" "i was wondering why you barely asked any questions when i got home"

while ilya shows him his research and his thesis - shane mainly asks when he found time to do this, "well you see my boyfriend lived in a different city far far away" "2 hours! 2 is one of the smallest numbers"

shane gets his thesis leather bound (one for their house and one for his parents)

shane calls his parents and asks if they knew, "you know what shane, we were wondering why he would be busy on non game non practice days while you were busy... this makes sense he's very intelligent"

telling the centaurs was the delight of ilya's life, "can you even get a phd without an undergrad degree?" "I have a degree" "WHAT" "yes from russia" "WHO ARE YOU"

"rozanov" "dr. rozanov to you" "shut up" "it's true! shane tell them" "he did just get a phd" "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ROZANOV" "doctor" (doing this to scott hunter made ilya smile with all 32 teeth)

he eventually posts it on social media - super nonchalant super dgaf

he gets requests to be a guest lecturer at universities all the time (shane is in awe during his presentations)

shane starts referring to him as ‘doctor ilya rozanov’ more than ‘captain’

when they’re on flights and they make the “is there a doctor on board” announcement he always pretends to go and gets a very stern “sit your ass down” from shane

[fujoshane]

cliff voice: hollzyyyy happy Birthday big dog!!! the strippers i got ya should be on their way! Ha Ha just kidding buddy i didn't order any strippers, don't worry. they're called exotic dancers now. I'm joking Buddy I'm joking. they should be there in an hour though. Roz didn't tell ya? Nah I'm just messing with you man haha take it easy. make sure you have cash on you though *hangs up*

[kaijuerotica]

i think carter vaughn is the type of guy who always has a new thing going on and you can literally never predict what it is. he's knitting. he's woodworking. he started rock climbing. he stopped rock climbing and he has a really funny story about why but you aren't allowed to tell team management. he's into crypto. he's playing runescape. he's doing it all

[fractally]

I think at some point one of the Cens is asking Troy like why he did all that and Troy is like "Well you know hurt people hurt people...I was really struggling with being closeted at the time....I know it was wrong but I was trying my best"

and Shane's eyebrow twitches and he goes "yeah I get it. Some people work through the closet by being rampaging monsters to everyone around them and some people work through it by winning three Stanley cups"

[nicolegendary]

the notion of shane as "team mom" of the centaurs is obviously problematic in many ways but most importantly shane has never gone out of his way to give a shit about a teammate in his life. he's the main character and the rest of his team are Also There

[dontcallmeanythingplz]

Does anyone have time to discuss which man kills the bugs in their house. Shane or Ilya? There's an argument to be had for and against either.

Maybe Ilya prefers to catch and release. Shane probably hates the clean up of squishing the bugs. But Ilya likes the bravado of being the boyfriend that protects. But also Shane likes the bravado too because everything is a competition with them.

This is very inspired by the fact that there's a big ass spider in my garage right now and my husband is out of town and my eye is twitching about it.

[neurotic-sinkhole]

if people dont start appreciating lavonte more i am going to blow up the sun.

i keep seeing posts saying that ally is playing the "put together" character of the season. and while hj knows some things, he is not the one pushing the group forward in their plans.

hj's successes include mewing at a college party, making a c tier flier on canva, declaring a screaming man dead to then jump on top of a roof, and buying two scooters on next day-delivery.

lavonte has closed a business deal, found town locals that can explain town history, dug up city council records (with darkness man's help), hired an assistant, and is actively planning to interviene in the purpee political landscape.

lavonte might be running on power and blood cocaine but he is RUNNING