Big Smiling Monkey

it’s a scrapbook, not a manifesto

[hangsawoman]

therapist: and what do we say when we feel like this?

me: no live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality

therapist: no

[wembleyfragglesarchive]

i’m losing my mind

[wembleyfragglesarchive]

STOP REBLOGGING THIS my phone is glitching an astronomical amount and I immediately knew the culprit was one of my tumblr posts gaining traction

[avatardoggo]

oh

GROOVE WITH ME BABY

[lizluvscupcakes]

Ya gotta have

✨⭐️ SOUL ⭐️✨

[voidgremlinguege]

DONT STOP ME NOW!

[nonsensical-violence]

Uh… Bert?

[thehumantrampoline]

I kept forgetting my nighttime antidepressant so I set an alarm where the sound was a recording of me saying "HEY. TAKE YOUR FUCKING PILL" because I thought it would be funny. It was funny about three times, and then it started making me mad and I'd dismiss it right away to make it stop. So I handed my phone to my partner, who made another recording sweetly saying "Okay Shira, it's time to take your medication" and now I don't get mad anymore and I take my pill. The "compassion over punishment" camp has gotta get something wrong one of these days

[foxes-n-frogs]

Something something, more flies with honey or whatever

Kindness is so powerful, and most don't like to be yelled at.

[lucybellwood]

Fucking slain in my tracks by this postcard on my friend’s dresser

[rhube]

This is actually pretty comforting.

[dirtyriver]

It took me almost dying at work to calm down, so yeah... good advice, folks, heed it.

[presidentdragon]

"that time of the month" "monthly visitor" "feminine hygiene products" GRRAH!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! PERIOD!! MENSTRUATION!!!! TAMPONS!!! PADS!! MENOPAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

[tyke-dyke]

VAGINA!!!!

[presidentdragon]

[blueironywrites]

I'm genuinely shocked at how much people cringe at using the medically accurate terms. Menstruation is one of the few things we know that it's (almost) certain approximately 50% of the population will expect. It's absolutely wild.

[gondorrevealparty]

Polycules should be able to trade people like sports teams do

[gondorrevealparty]

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car.

[phantaloon]

absolute crime to leave this in the comments

[facts-i-just-made-up]

How deep does it go? The answer may surprise you. Or not.

Probably not.

[x-atm099]

[big-smiling-monkey]

[reallyreallyreallytrying]

nip over to troy, bit of rough and tumble, big horse, bish bash bosh, back home to ithaca. simple as

[boyliverfailure]

quick lil war for ya boy aggy

its not even far sailing there n back

[big-smiling-monkey]

What could possibly go wrong?

[phantomrose96]

Your children's show unfortunately has the absolute wrong take on tackling fascism. Yeah the power of friendship angle is showing a dismal lack of understanding of Marxist theory or even intro-level Leninism. Yeah my only two interests are children's media and online leftist discourse so this is gonna be a problem.

[short-wooloo]

Marxist cannot stand the power of friendship because they have no friends

[pukicho]

'Dirty' is a concept invented by British imperialists to keep you from enjoying God's nectar: Swamp Water!

[silence-hetero]

Stop drinking the swamp water pukicho

[pukicho]

No pain no gain

[turrithugger]

Drink from the rusty bucket of haunted bog water.

[existennialmemes]

They don't even give us bread & circuses anymore. All we get is ramen & doomscroll. They enshittified bread & circuses. Nothing is sacred.

[masonpowellposts]

Bread is now more expensive than circuses.

[big-smiling-monkey]

We have been drafted into the circus - we are at the mercy of clowns

[existennialmemes]

What I do have, is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over many years of being fascinated by random things. Skills that are absolutely useless in our capitalist society.

Skills that make me a silly little guy in the eyes of strangers, which is a good thing, to be clear.

[big-smiling-monkey]

[existennialmemes]

I have no idea what you just said but I'm going to answer "yes" with the confidence of a person who actually knows what the hell is going on.

It's risky, but there's at least five different competing noises in this room right now and asking you to repeat yourself will lock us both into an endless loop of confusion and frustration.

[mistercanine]

There's this ancient technique I know that has a lower risk! You can nod. Tried it. Works like a charm 9 times out of 13. Just be careful it's not a fae, they already took my first-born son because of this.

[big-smiling-monkey]

When you nod make a “hmmmmm” noise and look slightly concerned. This is very often enough to inspire the other person into doing what they wanted to do anyway, and they will often thank you for being so supportive.

If they don’t go away just say “oh?” And then start nodding/hmmmm-ing/look a little bit worried for them.

Eventually they’ll leave.

If they’re fae then it’s still worth a try but all bets are off, good luck. 🤷

[existennialmemes]

Having a meltdown is honestly bullshit. Like, what do you mean my brain experienced too many stimuli and now literally all I can do is cry?

Its job is experiencing stimuli. What the fuck??

[big-smiling-monkey]

[vaporsnake]

they should rewrite the bible so that jesus would be a hot 5'2 girl with a creampie fetish from missouri

[vaporsnake]

would you prefer if she had a different fetish tumblr user nutsacktorturer

[translesbianfoxgirl]

Yeah they should male her a lesbian

[translesbianfoxgirl]

And make her have a thing for buff women

[creature-after-dark]

have her get nailed on a piece of wood instead of getting nailed to a piece of wood lol

[big-smiling-monkey]

[couldntbedamned]

If you come across anyone who starts off with "Scientists don't want you to know..." you need to understand that they're lying. They're completely full of shit and working a grift.

Because they've never met or spoke with a scientist.

Scientists WANT YOU TO KNOW. Scientists want you to know SO MUCH. Scientists would be THRILLED to teach you EVERYTHING they know in EXPLICIT DETAIL. Scientists LOVE to share information and their findings and their theories. They don't want to hide anything, ever. They are SO HAPPY to share.

[oneofthosecrazycatladies]

Same goes for historians. I’n a historian and my favorite thing is talking to people about history.

Literally my entire career as a historian is dedicated to sharing history with as many people as possible

[thoodleoo]

the only roman emperor i respect is honorius because, during his reign, rome was sacked, and when someone brought him the news that rome had perished he freaked out bc he thought they were talking about his pet bird named "rome," and when they explained that they were talking about the city he was like "oh thank god. who gives a shit"

[kamenriderhamo]

shouldve called his ass hilarious

[jentucker]

"At that time they say that the Emperor Honorius in Ravenna received the message from one of the eunuchs, evidently a keeper of the poultry, that Rome had perished. And he cried out and said, 'And yet it has just eaten from my hands!' For he had a very large cock, Rome by name; and the eunuch comprehending his words said that it was the city of Rome which had perished at the hands of Alaric, and the emperor with a sigh of relief answered quickly: 'But I thought that my fowl Rome had perished.' So great, they say, was the folly with which this emperor was possessed." —Procopius, The Vandalic War (III.2.25–26)

[celestial-moths]

He had a what?!?!

[jewishpangolin]

[special-lucky-chosen-one]

there's a really high chance this story about Honorius is what professionals like to call "apocryphal", or "bullshit", and it hurts me that I keep seeing people treating it as historical fact

but on the other hand I would not have learned about Tortilla the Frog if you were all more sensibly dubious, so I guess it balances out

[special-lucky-chosen-one]

in related news, I will be adopting the phrase "squinting to see the penis in all of this" for regular use

[big-smiling-monkey]