Covert Narcissism: Coping with Injustice
I decided to write, because sometimes you can express things better in writing than in words. It is a strange thing, but certain feelings, certain thoughts only take form while writing them down. At the same time, I realized that writing can heal. Many recommend to keep a diary, but knowing myself, I could never be a diligent diary writer.
My objective for writing is to share my journey in rediscovering Indonesia and the other half of my culture. It is a journey of self-reflection and pursuing things that I love to do. Especially in recent years, I realized that life is too short to postpone things you have always wanted to do. Giving up comfort is never an easy decision, but before I start writing about anything else I thought I should give a bit of background of how I was able to push myself to make this change in my life.
Personally, it has also always been helpful to read and listen to people who had similar experiences like me. It helped put my experience in perspective, gave me hope and solace that we are not alone in our pain. Healing starts within yourself, but how quickly you can heal depends greatly on the support system you have outside.
In a previous article I wrote here, I talked a bit about how I grew up with a father who had narcissist tendencies and dated someone with similar tendencies. This person I dated was part of the same Indonesian community as myself - he was a teacher of traditional Indonesian music at the embassy and most students where elderly Indonesian people, while the rest were locals and musician interested in world music or Indonesia.
After we broke up, I did not have the chance to break the news to anyone. In a very narcissist fashion, this person told everyone first. If you read anything about narcissism, they always like to be one step ahead and be in control of the situation and the people. It has to be noted, that to whom he spread the news was very targeted and mainly the Indonesian people who are more easily manipulated, who gossip (because it is part of their culture) and therefore see this as new material for their gossip. But gossip can quickly turn into subtle bullying. He often said one thing to me but acted differently in front of others or did not follow up on what he said to me. Sometimes, the lies were so blatant and even with evidence he would dismiss them, put on an innocent face and say "I don't know."
Not only that, but he began to undermine my talent and passion for music, which he used to acknowledge.
But reflecting back, he never had any genuine respect for me as a person or for my abilities. I remember the moment I played some pieces on the piano. Although I’m not a musician by training, I had played since childhood and was far from a beginner. At the time, I took his words—"You’re better than I thought"—as a compliment. But thinking about it now, it just showed how little he had expected of me in the first place.
That realisation became even clearer later, when he deliberately excluded me from a music group he had created, despite having initially invited me to be part of it. He refused to let me play the instrument I once played, and reduced me to a marginalised role without proper instruction. He knew exactly how much I loved the gamelan—I had told him countless times—and he weaponized that against me.
At the time, I wasn’t fully aware of his intentions, but looking back, I see it clearly: he wanted to strip away the very thing that made me a happy, confident person. Naturally, I became upset and confronted him about his inconsistencies. But instead of acknowledging his behavior, he twisted my reactions, portraying me as reactive, manipulative, and disrespectful. He spread this distorted narrative across social media, launching a smear campaign against me. Clearly he was the one manipulating me during and after the relationship, clearly I was the victim of his discard, but he turned the language around and portrayed himself as one.
It escalated to the point where members of the Indonesian community began to ignore me—even cutting contact with my mother. That was perhaps the most painful part. She had been so happy to finally find friends from her home country after just recently moving to Belgium, only to be shut out because of his lies.
It was shocking. Never did I imagine that a person could go to such extent to degrade someone's happiness and character. Then I realized what kind of person he was and I instinctively made the decision that the only way to save my self-worth and mental health was to cut off any contact with him and with anyone who was connected to him. To leave this community.
I felt a lot of anger. I wanted to tell him what he actually did to me, but I knew, the more I lashed out, the more he would use this as evidence that I am the one who is crazy. I wanted to tell others the truth, but was afraid that the reality had already been twisted and that my truth would be taken away from me and used against me.
He already lost his respect for me. Not that I needed it, but thinking I could share my concerns with a person who turned around and used them against me, is a pain and shock that takes me a long time to heal from.
In the beginning, the anger was relentless. It consumed both my mind and my heart. The pain was doubled by the fact that I genuinely loved playing those instruments, and this was the only place where I could. But I knew that, for my own well-being, I had to let go of that anger. What hurt even more—and made me feel both angry and helpless—was that no one ever cared to consider that I might have had a side to the story too. No one bothered to ask me.
What truly helped was talking to my very best friend—the one person I could trust completely. I also made a conscious effort to step outside, take walks in nature, breathe in the fresh air, clean my apartment, and immerse myself in cooking elaborate dishes. Little by little, these small acts of care helped me regain a sense of peace. And this is why you will also find recipes in this blog. But what really helped me the most was to make a plan for the future. I started to paint a future where I had grown stronger, was happier and better than the me now.
Step-by-step this plan took shape. The first decision was not to extend my current work contract. This meant that the end of the contract was D-Day. I had half a year to prepare. My decision was to move back to Bali, reconnect with my heritage and explore the culture in my own way. The aim is to be able to stay for at least one or if possible two years. I started to pack six months in advance. I know this is way too early, but the act of packing was part of the healing process. In this way, the plan became tangible. I made an objective each month to save a certain amount, researched places to stay, places to learn arts and visa-options. I started to make appointments with the doctor to get vaccinations boosters. For each appointment, for each small goal - time passed and by focusing on this I slowly left the past and with it the emotions behind. I am not saying that all my anger and sadness is gone. Here and then, something triggers these emotions to resurface, but they are not as strong as before. I am gaining my confidence back, my self-love and now look forward to the future.
Source: Covert Narcissism: Coping with Injustice
