Lives ruined and blood shed.

Jess. 25. USA. I watch lots of shows and read lots of books and that's all you really need to know. "Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

[billie-pipers]

ninerose + hugs

[baetology]

Stop letting your heart and your pussy choose your men.

[trapbinch]

I’m confused, what is left…

[trapbinch]

Oh nvm lmao my brain. You right sis lol you is right

[baetology]

You really forgot your whole brain.

[pussylipgloss]

she read this post with her pussy

[forchrisevans]

He’s the quiet, damaged hot guy.

[unseelie]

i am sitting on the couch, i hear tapping on the door behind me, i turn around and see this

what do i do

[unseelie]

he is here….

[narcissus-thee-squeekual]

i still lose it every time i see this post because someone let a fucking goose into their house just because tumblr said to and if that doesn’t perfectly define all of our experiences on this shitty excuse for a website i dont know what does  

[amkrii]

How else would you pet the goose if you did not let him in?

[kedreeva]

I used to let my turkey free range because she was polite and stuck nearby and liked to eat bugs, and one day I went out and I couldn’t find her in my own yard and so, worried that she’s bothering the neighbors, I walk over to their yard through the little woods between us

And there she is

Standing at their back door

Tapping on the glass

And the lady comes to the door, and mind you I’ve never actually met my neighbors yet, and she starts letting Joslin into her house!

So I yell, and burst out of the trees, startling everyone, and start apologizing for my bird bothering them, and the lady looks absolutely baffled

“Your bird?”

Apparently this wasn’t the first time Joslin had done this

Apparently she’d just been over visiting my neighbor for weeks

And my neighbor just dead-ass thought she was hanging out with a wild turkey

She just let an entire wild turkey into her house without question

And my dumb bird apparently would just go in, inspect everything, and then walk out again

I cannot even imagine what this lady was thinking, she just accepted that she’s getting a house inspection from mother nature a few times a week.

I’m not surprised at all someone let a farm goose in. Humans have no sense of self preservation when it comes to things that we might get to pet.

[mxnrique]

SNL - Cut for Time: My Little Step Children

WHY WOULD THEY CUT THIS?????

[proto-homo]

This is legiterally the funniest thing snl has done in decades

[laughconfetti]

they cut it because of the ONE gay reference

[eschaton-the-imminent]

Same energy

[nikadd]

both of these sketches were written by julio torres - here’s his twitter

[somewhereinthedetails217]

Omg 😂

[pseudo-seraphim]

I just want you all to know that my dramatic 6 year old ass would have loved all of this shit.

[baker-p-i]

I’m the dramatique™ hand to face moment in the broken mirror.

[dirhwangdaseul-archived]

“I WON, I HAVE YOUR DADDY WRAPPED AROUND MY FINGER.”

[creepled]

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE:

Keep reading

[long-ago-1234567890]

this post made me and my gf go back and watch the oscar-winning movie happy feet. i looked up the director, george miller, and found out happy feet is only his SECOND most profitable franchise. he is best known as the director of all the mad max films.

to present some information for those who have not seen happy feet: the penguins are animated, but the few humans in the film are live-action. the film has two main messages: accept those who are different than you, and a pro-environmentalism message about stopping ocean pollution and overfishing. spoilers for this 13-year-old movie, but it ends with the main character managing to get the humans to stop polluting and overfishing through the power of dance. meanwhile, mad max is a postapocalyptic series.

so… i propose a theory. happy feet and mad max take place in the same universe, but in different timelines. in the good timeline (the happy feet canon), mumble convinces the humans to stop destroying the earth using the power of dance. this leads into happy feet 2. in the bad timeline (the mad max canon), mumble fails to convince the humans. the penguin colony dies out, humans destroy the earth, and the mad max movies happen a few thousand years after happy feet 1.

[long-ago-1234567890]

[knifeofvenus]

My pussy is fat my heart is fatter got a tiny brain made of snickerdoodle batter

[toesucker]

[kadzhi]

I think i’ve requested this before and idk if anybody replied to it bc i forgot to check on it and ended up losing the post but does anybody have that picture of those girls standing around a very fat tuxedo cat w/ their knees slightly bent? Here’s an extremely quick + bad sketch of my memory of it the colors dont matter all I know is they looked like they were dressed up for a party

[kadzhi]

🎊CAT PICTURE ACQUIRED🎉

look how wrong i got the colors lol

[stplatinum]

this image is a sequel to this one 

[kadzhi]

holy shit

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[la-mancha-screwjob]

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

[fair-itself]

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

[maplefiasco]

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

[iamthatbeast]

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

[widonotts]

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

[artwlw]

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

[youlovelucie]

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

[spacecores]

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

[thebritishteapot]

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

[valkyrieritter]

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

[dhampir-dyke]

I work at Hardees and we have to yell “thank you” whenever we’re told to do something because of how loud the kitchen is.

One morning, my mom hollered at me to wake up, and half-asleep me yells at full volume,

“THANK YOU”

[eyefriend-deactivated20181218]

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

[mynameisdevon]

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

[jasonpriestley]

The Scooby-Doo Project (1999)

[acreaturecalledgreed]

fun fact this special scared so many kids so fucking badly (b/c the blair witch aspect was played weirdly straight) that CN never aired it again 

[hz-archive]

you’re telling me this is real and not a shitpost

[queenwhiskey]

100%

[bootyunit]

when i saw this i couldn’t believe it didn’t have music

[danthesantana]

I hope to one day exude as much raw energy as this man does.

[wearepeasant]

the god of chaos

[kuroshikat]

What color is his shirt

[supacutiepie]

I LOOKED HIM UP AND YA’LL DONT UNDERSTAND

He is a  fucking bull riding stripper….

[klubbhead]

A WHAT

[psys-nsfw-corner]

*in the distance*

That’s what I like about Texas

[chickenfarmersan]

[antique-scarecrow]

i fucking lost it when she opened the fridge

[bitchycode]

‪What part of “i don’t wanna spend anymore money” don’t I understand

[allmybandsareacronyms]

I think the fact that two men on Queer Eye have started dating women who were already in their lives should clue men into the fact that there could be women in their lives that care for them deeply and even romantically, and would date them, if they knew that dating wouldn’t include being their fucking mother and teaching them the basics of taking care of themselves as a grown ass adult.

[marvel-leviathan]

For a second I thought you meant two of the main guys and I got immensely confused

[ithelpstodream]

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson has a tiny puppy named Asterix and it’s amazing.

[princeofbellehair]

whoever did this, thank you.

[lepetitdragon]

[kilomonster]

I am all about this…

[optimysticals]

What makes this even better is the photo of him with his brothers:

[squeeful]

HOW THE FUCK IS HE THE SMALL ONE?!?!

[friendly-neighborhood-patriarch]

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson and his family are why people used to fear Scandinavians. Holy Shit.

[saiyanshewolf]

HE’S SIX FOOT NINE AND HE’S THE SMALL ONE

[teddytrumpet]

He is also one of the strongest men in the world

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

6′9″ AND IS STILL THE SHORT ONE!

[bluejettyy-deactivated20220927]

Scandinavia, home of giants

[aww-so-pretty]

How cute is this?! 😍