Lovesick Vent Blog

Pronouns: They/She Active November, 2022

[lxv3s1ck]

I never asked to be born so why do I have to deal with all the bullshit that comes along with it? What’s the point? Why bother with life, everyone will die eventually so why not just die now so I can at least not have to deal with all the problems and pain of the future. My grades, my mental health, my friendships, my relationship, everything just seems to be going downhill and I don’t know what to do. I just want to escape from everything, I want to run away and avoid all my problems. Life is such a burden.

[gauravsksk]

cute date idea: carving heart shapes in my skin w ur fav knife <3

[lxv3s1ck]

This is probably one of the most reliable things I’ve seen today.

(I tried looking for the original post but I couldn’t find it, sorry)

[lxv3s1ck]

My parents will ignore my mental health and dismiss my emotions and then have the audacity to wonder why I don’t have healthy coping mechanisms. It’s so frustrating trying to just exist with them because no matter what I do I’m criticized. If I express my emotions I’m being a bitch, over dramatic, insensitive, manipulative and ABUSIVE. Like wtf, I get frustrated and have a bit of an attitude (not yelling, not insulting, nothing like that) and mom tried to play the victim like always and try to say that I’M ABUSIVE! If that’s abusive I don’t even know what to say about their behavior. I can’t get frustrated yet dad can stab a fucking knife through the table and throw my violin across the room? Or mom can just straight up give me the silent treatment (I absolutely hate the silent treatment, it’s terrifying). If I try to bottle up my emotions they will get frustrated with me that I didn’t let them know I was struggling and I should have said something but when I actually tried telling them that I was struggling with school and keeping my room clean because I was suicidal they got mad at me and said that I was manipulating them so that I could get out of my responsibilities. In middle school when my grades were bad mom would threaten to pull me out of school away from my friends and home school me epically when she knew that being separated from my friends terrified me and I would have panic attacks whenever she threatened to do that. Why I brought up that my therapist wanted to get me tested for adhd the when on a rant about how “adhd is so over diagnosis and we don’t want to put you on medication because that doesn’t fix anything and you could get addicted to drugs and you just need to stop being so lazy and apply yourself” or “you don’t inturupt people when they are speaking and you don’t act like this person with adhd” and probably the worst argument for why I can’t possibly have adhd “you can focus on your video games so obviously you just don’t want to focus on school”. They didn’t even let me talk about the thing I needed to talk about in therapy because it wasn’t what they wanted me to talk about. I also can’t like anything without them insulting it. For example a while ago I use to be really into the movie/musical heathers and my parents would always say stuff like “oh god this is terrible” “what do you even like about this” “why are you watching it again” eventually I just stopped watching it and all they had to say was “I’m glad you over that phase” THE REASON I ‘GOT OUT OF THE PHASE’ WAS BECAUSE YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY INTEREST ARE STUPID AND THAT I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THE THINGS I LIKE BECAUSE THEY ANNOY YOU!

I don’t know how I feel about them sometimes. I really hate the mean, scary version of then but when they are being nice to me I like them, I guess. I wouldn’t say I love them but when they are nice I view them positively. It almost feels like two different people. I’m always scared that people will get angry and chew me out just like my parents do or even worse, leave me if I don’t constantly try to please them.

[lxv3s1ck]

Being lovesick is such a bittersweet feeling. On the one hand it makes me happy having her on my mind 24/7. I love that everything reminds me of her and it’s always so sweet once I get to see her again. On the other hand, everything else is so dull. My mind is constantly wondering back to her so I’m a little disconnected from everything else. I can work myself up so much that I get somewhat nauseous and it hurts twice as bad when she doesn’t respond right away. I wish she was here with me right now. I just want to cuddle with her and forget about everything else in my life. I know I said it’s bittersweet but I can only take so much. I can’t just daydream about her forever, as nice as the fantasies are, they never quite match up to reality.

[lxv3s1ck]

So I actually purged today. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I don’t want to make this a habit because I don’t want my teeth to rot or anything but I’m glad I can purge if I really fucked up.

[lxv3s1ck]

Sometimes I just get the urge to fuck up my life and sabotage all of my relationships and I don’t know why. Like I’m just going about my life like normal and all the sudden I just think “everyone in my life would be better off without me and I should distance myself before I hurt them or they hurt me”. Like nothing cause me to think that, it just popped into my head and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like such a horrible person. No, I am a horrible person. I’m a terrible friend, I’m a terrible girlfriend, I’m just the worst. The people I care about shouldn’t have to put up with me. I guess mom was right all along, I really am just a manipulative, ungrateful, brat.

[lxv3s1ck]

How you feeling lately?

I’ve been doing a bit better, I mean I’m still not great and I still can’t get into therapy but some things have been improving. I’m not sh-ing every day anymore; I mean I still do it fairly often but it’s progress at least. I don’t think I could just complete stop cutting at this point so I’m just working on trying to do it less but not stopping entirely. At this point I’m not sure if I’m ever fully going to be recovered from my mental illnesses or if I even what to recover but I’m at least trying to get to where I won’t kms.

[lxv3s1ck]

[lxv3s1ck]

Life is so dull when I’m not with her. Almost as if I’m just watching things unfold in front of me but not really being an active participant in anything. I feel like a core part of my identity is gone whenever I’m not with her. But it all goes away once I’m with her again. In this horrible, dark, bitter world she is the sweet ray of light that gives me something to live for. I never used to believe in soulmates, but now I’m sure I’ve meet mine. I use to think I had crushes on people in the past but it feels nothing like this, I would use them to keep myself entertained more then anything or to make others happy but I never wanted anything more out of it. With her it’s different, she makes me happy without anyone telling me. I never want this feeling to end. I want to stay with her forever, I can’t imagine my future without her in it. I’ll do anything to protect this precious feeling and to protect my future with her.

[isaacwwc2]

Saw these and found them really helpful, take care of yourself💜

[lxv3s1ck]

Rebloging because I need this. Remember to take care of your wounds or else you might end up in the hospital.

[lxv3s1ck]

“You’re the good type of clingy” -my girlfriend❤️

[lxv3s1ck]

So my parents found out I started self harming again. They didn’t really care though. They had one of those conversations like “why are you doing this? What’s going on?” but they didn’t really do anything else. They didn’t tell me to stop, or try to take away any sharp objects, or anything. They haven’t even brought it up again after the initial conversation. I’m kind of surprised to be honest, I expected them to be more emotional about it like in the past but I’m glad it worked out this way. At least now I might as well keep at it, I don’t have to worry about hiding as much either.

[lxv3s1ck]

Eating food <<<< chewing then spitting it out <3

All the taste and texture of food without any calories. It’s amazing!!

[lxv3s1ck]

[lxv3s1ck]

I’m a terrible person.

my girlfriend deserves so much better than me.

My friends deserve so much better than me.

Everyone in my life would be better off without me.

I keep getting intrusive thoughts about breaking up with my girlfriend or dropping all of my friends. I don’t want to leave them but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[sweetdreamingdarling-deactivate]

lying and hiding my SH relapse >>>>>>

It makes me feel a sick sense of pleasure to know that I’m able to get away with it tbh