Pie of Doom with Random Cheese

Gabby's secondary pie. Was once a Random Fandom blog, not it's more of a writing resource. Because its easier to find on this one instead of my main.

[reverie-lavellan]

idk if anyone will find this useful, but this is how i go about planning my stories. i mostly write fantasy, so that’s what this is most applicable to. but it could work with other genres too.

so there’s three major components to a story: the characters, the plot, and the world. creating them individually is the easy part, but they all connect and affect each other in different ways. (like you can’t have a character who loves peaches and eats them every day if they live a peasant in a region that doesn’t grow peaches, for example.)

so i created a cheat sheet to help connect all three components together.

1) the world creates the characters.

this is related to the peach example above. the characters should be a direct result of the environment they grew up in and the environment they currently live in.

2) the characters are limited by the world.

also related to the peaches. characters can’t do anything outside of what the rules of their surroundings and universe allow, such as eating peaches when they’re not available. this also applies for magic users. they can’t have unlimited magic, so keep in mind what you want out of both the characters and the world when creating magic systems.

3) the characters carry the plot.

we’ve all heard it before: “bad characters can’t carry a good plot. good characters can carry a bad plot.” but we all like a good plot anyway. try to make sure you’re not giving your characters too heavy or too light of a plot to carry.

4) the plot pushes the characters.

if nothing in the plot happens, your characters will remain static forever. if you struggle with plots, try starting with what character development you want to happen, then go from there.

5) the plot depends on the world.

you can’t overthrow the evil government if there isn’t one. think of what your world needs most and what your plot is centered around, and fit those two together.

6) the world is changed by the plot.

even if your plot is centered around something most of your world would call “insignificant”, the world will still experience some change from the plot. either the evil government will be gone, or maybe that one teacher is now way more careful about keeping an eye on the test key. either way, the world will be different from now on.

final note: usually people will be able to write one or two of the components with ease, but don’t know where to go from there. i personally can’t write plots, but thinking this way has really helped me actually make a story out of the world and characters because i looked at what i needed from what i had. i really hope this can help you too! happy writing!

tl;dr this is a cheat sheet to help anyone who struggles with writing one or two of what i consider the three major components to a story.

[laurasimonsdaughter]

Ways to turn into a werewolf

Because diversity! Biting and blood curses are all well and good, but if we’re diversifying our vampires left and right, why not our werewolves?

A deal with the devil. Primarily from medieval France and Germany. I’m not the biggest fan of this one, but if you want to write something Dark, it has potential.

A magical garment or belt made from wolfskin, often a family secret passed down from parent to child. Primarily from German folklore, spreading to Belgium, the Netherlands, France and the Balkans. I love this one. It turns werewolves into something closer to other shape shifters like selkies and in an urban fantasy setting it offers a lot of opportunities to mess with their powers by taking the garment away. I really need selkies and werewolves exchanging tips about pelt care.

A magical ointment. Primarily from French, German and Scandinavian folklore. This is closer to the “werewolvism as witchcraft” interpretation, but the idea that there is one specific formula to turn someone into a wolf is interesting. (Traditional recipes include the expected gruesome ingredients like animal fat and fresh blood, but also, weirdly, aniseed.)

Drinking the water collected in a wolf’s paw print. Originating in Slavic folklore, I believe. This is very fairy tale-ish and if you’re going for a magical, mystical approach would do very well I think. It’s also something someone could easily do consciously. Follow your werewolf lover out into the rain, all the way onto the clay paths where their steps will leave imprints big enough to drink from…

Drinking from a cursed well. From German folklore. Again, fairy tale feels. Think the Grimm’s “Brother and Sister” but even unluckier. This is probably more suited to tragic stories, but once you know what the water does…well, then you’ve got a business opportunity, haven’t you.

The seventh child of a seventh child. In legends from Portugal (mostly seventh sons) and the Netherlands (specifically Frisia, mostly seventh daughters) the seventh child of a seventh child is automatically destined to become a werewolf. I prefer this one to the other “fated by birth” legends such as being born with teeth or hair, because this one is like a prophecy, one you can see coming. And interestingly, these stories say nothing about the werewolf being inherently evil. What I‘m saying is, I want the seventh-born, coddled baby of the family dramatically protecting everyone they love with their prophesied wolf powers.

[ildsjels]

not sure what should happen next in your story?

Embarrass your protagonist. Make them seem weak and vulnerable in some way.

Shoot someone. That always takes the reader by surprise. 

In relation, kidnap someone. Or, rather, make it seem to your protagonist like someone has been kidnapped. 

Have one of your side characters disappear or become unavailable for some reason. This will frustrate your protagonist.

Have someone kiss the wrong girl, boy, or person, especially if you’ve been setting up a romance angle. It’s annoying.

If this story involves parents, have them argue. Push the threat of divorce, even if you know it won’t ever happen. It’ll make your readers nervous.

Have someone frame your protagonist for a crime they didn’t commit. This could range from a dispute to a minor crime to a full-blown felony.

If this is a fantasy story involving magic or witchcraft, create a terrible accident that’s a direct result of their spell-casting. 

Injure your protagonist in some way, or push them into a treacherous scenario where they might not make it out alive. 

Have two side characters who are both close to the protagonist get into a literal fist-fight. This creates tension for the reader, especially if these characters are well-developed, because they won’t know who to root for.

Make your protagonist get lost somewhere (at night in the middle of town, in the woods, in someone else’s house, etc.) 

Involve a murder. It can be as in-depth and as important as you want it to be. 

Introduce a new character that seems to prey on your protagonist’s flaws and bring them out to light.

If it’s in-character, have one of your characters get drunk or take drugs. Show the fallout of that decision through your protagonist. 

Spread a rumor about your protagonist. 

If your protagonist is in high-school, create drama in the school atmosphere. A death of a student, even if your protagonist didn’t know them personally, changes the vibe. 

If your story involves children, have one of them do something dangerous (touch a hot stove, run out into the road, etc.) and show how the protagonist responds to this, even if the child isn’t related to them. 

In a fantasy story, toss out the idea of a rebellion or war between clans or villages (or whatever units you are working with). 

Add a scenario where your protagonist has to make a choice. We all have watched movies where we have screamed don’t go in there! at the top of our lungs at the main character. Make them go in there. 

Have your protagonist find something, even if they don’t understand the importance of it yet. A key, a document, an old stuffed animal, etc. 

Foreshadow later events in some way. (Need help? Ask me!)

Have your protagonist get involved in some sort of verbal altercation with someone else, even if they weren’t the one who started it. 

Let your protagonist get sick. No, but really, this happens in real life all the time and it’s rarely ever talked about in literature, unless it’s at its extremes. It could range from a common cold to pneumonia. Maybe they end up in the hospital because of it. Maybe they are unable to do that one thing (whatever that may be) because of it.

Have someone unexpected knock on your protagonist’s door. 

Introduce a character that takes immediate interest in your protagonist’s past, which might trigger a flashback.

Have your protagonist try to hide something from someone else and fail.

Formulate some sort of argument or dispute between your protagonist and their love interest to push them apart. 

Have your protagonist lose something of great value in their house and show their struggle to find it. This will frustrate the reader just as much as the protagonist.

Create a situation where your protagonist needs to sneak out in the middle of the night for some reason.

Prevent your character from getting home or to an important destination in some way (a car accident, a bad storm, flat tire, running out of gas, etc.)

[minervabellona69]

imma need this for when I’m stuck when I start Camp Nano

[malglories]

for all you writers out there:

donjon has tons of generators. for calendars. for demographics of a country and city. for names (both fantastical and historical) of people, nations, magics, etc.

this site lets you generate/design a city, allowing you to choose size, if you want a river or coast, walls around it, a temple, a main keep, etc.

this twitter, uncharted atlas, tweets generated maps of fantasy regions every hour.

and vulgar allows you to create a language, based on linguistic and grammatical structures!!! go international phonetic alphabet!!!

[pipistrellus]

STILL ON PATROL

I learned something new and horrifying today which is… that… no submarine is ever considered “lost” … there is apparently a tradition in the U.S. Navy that no submarine is ever lost. Those that go to sea and do not return are considered to be “still on patrol.”

?????

There is a monument about this along a canal near here its… the worst thing I have ever seen. it says “STILL ON PATROL” in huge letters and then goes on to specify exactly how many WWII submarine ghosts are STILL OUT THERE, ON PATROL (it is almost 2000 WWII submarine ghosts, ftr). Here is the text from it:

“U.S. Navy Submarines paid heavily for their success in WWII. A total of 374 officers and 3131 men are still on board these 52 U.S. submarines still on patrol.”

THANKS A LOT, U.S. NAVY, FOR HAVING THIS TOTALLY NORMAL AND NOT AT ALL HORRIFYING TRADITION, AND TELLING ALL OF US ABOUT IT. THANKS. THANK YOU

anyway now my mother and I cannot stop saying STILL ON PATROL to each other in ominous tones of voice

[tharook]

There’s definitely something ominous about that—the implication that, one day, they will return from patrol.

[thehoneybeewitch]

Actually, it’s rather sweet. I don’t know if this is common across the board, but my dad’s friend is a radio op for subs launched off the east coast, and he always is excited for Christmas, because they go through the list of SoP subs and hail them, wishing them a merry Christmas and telling them they’re remembered.

Imagine a country whose seamen never die, and whose submarines can’t be destroyed…because no ones sure if they exist or not.

[hardoncaulfield]

No but imagine. It’s Christmas. A black, rotting corridor in a forgotten submarine. The sound of dripping water echoes coldly through the hull. You can’t see very far down the corridor but then, a man appears, he’s running, in a panic, but his footsteps make no noise. The spectral seaman dashes around the corner and slips through a rusty wall. He finds himself at the back of a crowd of his cadaverous crew-mates. They part to let him through. He feels the weight of their hollow gaze as he reaches the coms station. Even after all these years a sickly green light glistens in the dark. The captain’s skeleton lays a sharp hand on his shoulder and nods at him encouragingly, the light sliding over the bones of his skull. The ghost of the seaman steadies himself and slips his fingers into the dials of the radio, possessing it. It wails and screeches. A bombardment of static. And then silence. The deathly crew mates look at each other with worry, with sadness; could this be the year where there is no voice in the dark? No memory of home? The phantasm of the sailor pushes his hand deeper into the workings of the radio, the signal clears, and then a strong voice, distant with the static but warm and kind, echoes from the darkness; “Merry Christmas boys, we’re all thinking of you here at home, have a good one.” A sepulchral tear wafts it’s way down the seaman’s face. The bony captain embraces him. The crew grin through rotten jaws, laughing silently in their joy. They haven’t forgotten us. They haven’t forgotten.

[beautifultoastdream-deactivated]

I am completely on board with this. It’s not horrifying, it’s heartwarming.

Personal story time: whenever I go to Field Museum’s Egypt exhibit, I stop by the plaque at the entrance to the underground rooms. It has an English translation of a prayer to feed the dead, and a list of all the names they know of the mummies on display there. I always recite the prayer and read aloud the list of names. They wanted to live forever, to always have their souls fed and their names spoken. How would they feel about being behind glass, among strangers? Every little thing you can do to give respect for the dead is warranted.

I love the idea of lost subs still being on patrol. Though if you really want something ominous, let me say that the superstitious part of me wonders: why are they still on patrol? If they haven’t been found, do they not consider their mission completed? What is it out there that they are protecting us from?

[amusewithaview]

@boromir-queries-sean

[emilysidhe]

 There’s been something in the water since we first learned to float on it.  Not marine life, although there’s more of that than we’ll ever know.  Not rocks and currents and sand bars and icebergs either, although they’ve all taken more than their share of human life.

But something deeper.  Something Other.  Something not natural.

Sailors have always been superstitious.

Not one of them described it right.

You don’t hear about it so much now that we don’t lose ships anymore, really, not like we did at the height of the sea trade when barely an inch of ocean floor didn’t bear some wreck or other.  And better ships and GPS and weather satellites have all played their part in that.

But we have protection now that we didn’t before.  They don’t interfere with war and battle, even on behalf of what used to be their country, or with rocks and weather and human stupidity.  Those are concerns for the living.

But the Other Things, the Things that shouldn’t be there - They can’t get to us now without a fight.  It’s a fight They haven’t won in a very long time.

As long as we remember them, as long as we call out to them - not very often, just once a year will do - they will keep protecting us from the Things that go bump in the deep.

More than fifty submarines, Still On Patrol.

[animatedamerican]

I love everything about this, but it’s the last bit that made me say “okay now I’ll reblog it.”

[thebibliosphere]

IMPORTANT QUESTION. Vampires aren't suppose to enter a premise without being invited right? What if a hermit vampire was living in his falling apart old castle and some fuck bought it as a "fixer upper", would the vampire just glitch out on to the lawn or would he be okay since he lived there before?

Okay so this would depend on where you are in the world, and whether or not they had squatters rights (can’t be evicted and can apply for legal ownership of place once they have been there for X amount of years) but I mean, the dude owns the place, even if it is a run down mess he was still there first and there’s probably some ancient land ownership law which can’t be overwritten by modern laws (you find all sorts of weird things are still technically legal cause no one bothered to update the books since 1645) so basically whoever just bought this castle to turn it into a modern fixer upper, congrats, you also just bought yourself a vampire and he’s not going anywhere.

(Also now I kind of want to write this where a family buys it to turn it into a hotel/wedding venue and the kids find the vampire in the attic and he ends up being the weird uncle who gets roped into hilarious wedding related shenanigans?? Like 

“Okay yes fine, you can host weddings here, but registrar only, no religious ones.” “But Theolodious, why?”“Really Sharon, really, do I have to spell it out for you. Really.”

*

“We really should increase the lighting for photographs, what about skylights?”“No.”“But—”“How about I just set all of you on fire while you’re trying to sleep.”

*

“Please, for the love of god, please don’t let people throw confetti or rice, I’m begging you.”

*

“Okay what’s our final head count for the night?”“107.”“Are you sure?”“Did I fucking stutter Steve?”

*

“Uncle Theo, why does the groom have “help me” on the bottom of his shoes, why is everyone laughing?.”“Because small one, humanity has failed collectively as a species and heteronormativity is a constructed lie designed to oppress over half the population for not conforming to arcane and chauvinistic ideals put in place by dead scholars who have long since turned to dust and have no place influencing modern society.”“…”“Permanence is an illusion.”

*

“Madame, flattering as your offer is for a quickie, you’re not my type.”“What is your type then?” ;) ;) ;)“O negative.”

*

“Whoo, what a day, I could eat a horse.”“Same.”“…”“…well obviously I’m not going to.”

*

“Theo…are you…are you crying?”“Yes.”“You big softie, I never thought someone like you would cry at a wedding.”“…I’ve lived a long life, Sharron. People come and go, the christening you bless will be the funeral you mourn in less than a century. But people keep saying “I love you”, that has to count for something.”

[goldenkid]

villains who could have been protagonists in different circumstances? I live for that shit

[gingerly-writing]

potential counterpoint: protagonists who could have been villains in different circumstances? I live for that shit too

[weissroseschnee]

Third point: a villain and a hero that chose their path by making a different choice in the same kind of circumstance? I live for it too

[forsakenoathkeeper]

Get to know my character

Reblog this so your followers can spam your ask box. Have fun! ♥

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded? 02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness? 03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves? 04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical) 05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type? 06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying? 07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)? 08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it? 09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday? 10. Is your character more feminine or masculine? 11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage? 12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up? 13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker? 14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates? 15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear. 16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like? 17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children? 18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode? 19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily? 20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures? 21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear? 22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have? 23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved? 24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like? 25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day? 26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc? 27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it? 28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for? 29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one? 30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like? 31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what? 32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do? 33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go? 34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc) 35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go? 36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life? 37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them? 38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc? 39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct? 40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others? 41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way? 42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change? 43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self? 44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character? 45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve?

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover? 47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along? 48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious? 49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood? 50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say?

[transfemmbeatrice]

do you think vampires and werewolves are an exclusively human phenomenon or are there dwarfish werewolves and elvish vamps and shit??

[betazeds]

would you fucking go to bed

[transfemmbeatrice]

*griffin voice* come plaaaaaay with me in this spaaaace

centaurs but the human part is a dragonborn

mermaids but the human part is an orc

[transfemmbeatrice]

HOBBIT ZOMBIES

[betazeds]

i’m coming to your house and turning off your wifi

[transfemmbeatrice]

it’s a new month I have data for days bitch

[aleatoryw]

I’m sorry but imagining the personality of the typical elf combined with the personally of a typical vampire is the most INSUFFERABLE individual I’ve ever even dreamt of

[probablydapperrpgideas]

So why is it that the villain is always the most dapper character? I don’t get it. No billionaire ceos with money to buy a thousand henchmen. The villain should be the average Joe shmoe that is a raging jerkwad but thinks he knows everything. You know, the frat boy that cheats on his girlfriend and tests, the one who thinks gays are predatory but watches lesbian porn, the one that manipulates people into thinking he’s a lot nicer than he is.

Alternatively, the hero, instead of “relatable” Joe shmoe, should be the most dapper queer kid you’ve ever seen. You know the one who is polite, the super nerdy kid, the smart one, the one who’s insecure and doesn’t know their own strengths.

[probablyimpulsiverpgideas]

The hero is a good kid, has an on-point fashion sense and is always eager to help people, or to tell people about their interests. They have trouble sitting still maybe, so you’ll occasionally see them bouncing a leg or tapping a pen. Has all sorts of pride buttons on their backpack, and wears them proudly because why should you be ashamed? (Even though secretly they’re terrified of being called out).  Polite, but not afraid to stand up for what they believe in. Ask them for a tissue or a pencil and they almost always have one to lend or share. They could wear a suit and tie or a tanktop and a snapback and either way they’d look great.

[glumshoe]

It’d really suck if I got ice or water-themed superpowers. I’d have to wear blue and white and gray instead of the reds and oranges I prefer.

[semoka]

wear the reds and oranges and pull an iceland/greenland on em

[glumshoe]

“I have cornered you in this aquarium, where your fire powers are useless!”

“Fire powers? Dude, I’m an ice hero. I freeze shit and manipulate water. Also, I love aquariums. Thanks for the free entry!”

“But… you’re dressed like Guy Fieri…?”

“Yeah haha. I have an autumnal complexion.”

[derpomatic]

Also, no superhero should have a name that gives away the power set. Misdirection - “Get him, Lasereye!” “Haha, my mirror will deflect your, wait, why are you made of stone now?”

[spookyghostiesandthings]

They call him laser eye because he once blinded himself with a laser pointer and it was the funniest shit they’d ever seen

[otherwindow]

Concept: the secret boss of a video game is the merchant you’ve traded with this whole time, and their combat capabilities are based entirely on what you sold them. 

For example, did you sell them Necromancy skill books? Well shit they can summon a skeleton army.

[orbsdotorg]

Yeah I’m really scared of the guy with 30 rusty iron swords and 200 fruit cakes

[digivolvin]

elizabeth swan and will turner are actually SO romance in the first movie and not enough people acknowledged this because the early 2000s were the age of the edgelords who only valued jack sparrow’s moral ambiguity and that is the TRUTH

[digivolvin]

the part where she’s like “how many times do i have to tell you to call me elizabeth” and he shyly says “once more, miss swann” and once she walks away he gazes adoringly after her and whispers “elizabeth” to himself like he’s unworthy of it

[digivolvin]

then when he’s patching up the cut on her hand and she flinches and he says “i know, blacksmith’s hands… they’re rough” because he thinks that’s what’s bothering her HE KNOWS HE’S NOT WORTHY OF HER!!! THAT’S THE PINING I’M TALKING ABOUT BINCH!!! I DON’T ACCEPT LESS!!!!

[digivolvin]

he has like 10 chances to confess his love to her but waits until he’s dressed like this to do it: 

my man knows 1) the importance of a good outfit when shooting your shot 2) how to ACCESSORIZE. take NOTES.

[katiezookat]

@romancingthebookworm

[capriceandwhimsy]

Will Turner was pretty sure he was going to fail to rescue Jack Sparrow, so he dressed up to the nines to do it, because if you’re going to hang for rescuing a pirate, you may as well be wearing a nice hat while you do.

[mikkeneko]

*history side of tumblr comes diving in through a window*

Funny you should say that! See, there was a thing in England for a while (maybe before this time period) where the hangman got to keep anything that was on the condemned’s body at the time they were hanged. Nice clothing, sweet hat, money in your pockets, it’s all his.

What this meant was that you could get on the hangman’s good side  by showing up to your execution in nice clothes or with money on your body. What good will getting on the hangman’s good side do you, you ask? You’ll still get hanged. Well yes, but the hangman has the option to arrange a nice clean broken neck, compared to a lingering drawn out suffocation or – as was also common – drawing and quartering.

So is that what Will is intending here by showing up in a nice suit with an expensive hat? Probably not what the film makers intended, but damn.

[digivolvin]

dress every day like you’re ready to woo your honey, do crimes, and impress an executioner

[sepulchritude]

my fav trope is like, nonhuman characters not understanding human needs/customs but still being super supportive of their human companion

“look what I found while exploring this planet’s surface!” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm. *stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your rhythm, yes?”

“the book I purchased on ragnok V says humans require physical touch when upset. therefore, I shall engage in a ‘hug’ with you.” *supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*

*human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL'EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”

“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans require companions and packmates in the form of small earth creatures. you should have told me this before we departed earth, but it is no worry. we will have to stop at the next trade planet to get you one of these ‘cats’ or ‘dogs’.”

[agentquinn]

imagine the aliens really purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what ensues 

“she’s been cuddling that small animal for the past fifteen minutes just going ‘kitty, kitty’. did we - did we break our human?”

a more seasoned alien puts one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team gathers to watch their human make kissy noises. 

“no, kilrak,” the alien says. “we did good.” 

[frowningfox]

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”

[anexperimentallife]

“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual dance called ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ performed mostly at mate-bonding celebrations after the guests reach an elevated level of intoxication. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not… Human Steve, why are you laughing?”

[captainarwenpond221b-deactivate]

“Human-Steve, you are… you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling times. Are you dying? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that food?”

[rinneavicula]

“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have made! Thus, I have gathered collections of fictional human literature to read aloud at the time of your bed. Which is more to your liking: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1001 Crossword Puzzles?” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“

[hongbubs]

One of the things I love the most about this post is how “Human-Steve” makes me think that there is also an alien called Steve in the squad, and I just imagine the first meeting and introduction where there is the human guy introducing himself as Steve and then there is this huge blue guy with like 5 legs and bug eyes and apparently Steve is like a completely regular name on his planet too in some intergalactical coincidence

that was off topic sorry.

[aethersea]

that was the best possible tangent, thank you for this addition

[roachpatrol]

a comprehensive list of steves aboard the interplanetary tradeship felicitous sine wave:

-regular steve: nine feet tall. furry. six eyes. they are extremely normal. 

-extra-regular steve: human steve’s pet cat, gifted to them by regular steve

-human steve: six feet tall. no fur. two eyes. identifies as male despite all evidence to the contrary. very quirky. does not lay eggs. 

-tall steve: this is a joke. tall steve is a sentient three-inch diameter silicon wafer. xe’s extremely romantic, if you’re into silicon wafers (many are after meeting tall steve). 

-abnormal steve: do not call him this to his face. looks basically like regular steve but is male. unlike human steve, is obviously, observably, and obnoxiously male, and will show you pictures of all of his brood eggs if you don’t move fast enough. 

-steve (just steve): was hired first. five feet tall. also has five feet. is somewhat star shaped and somewhat spider shaped. human steve is scared of her. 

-evil steve: the captain. you can call it evil steve all you want, if what you want is not to have a job anymore. 

[jessiejjones]

no more ‘vampires who correct history books’

more vampires who don’t remember more vampires saying ‘i don’t fucking know man, google it’ more vampires not remembering important historical figures more vampires not recalling centuries worth of history more vampires saying ‘ that was at least 300 years ago, how the FUCK could i remember that detail?’ more vampires whose brains work like human brains

[acertainmaybe]

More vampires who 300 years later can’t remember what was the truth and what was the lie they told to get out of trouble.

More vampires who are like, “I don’t know, man, I spent most of that decade in an opium den.”

More vampires who weren’t paying attention because they didn’t think it would be important.

More vampires who don’t know because there was lot of conflicting gossip and they don’t want to point any fingers.

More vampires who are just bad at dates. “Back in 1620, or was it 1645, wait, what year is it now?”

More vampires who were on a totally different continent when it happened, so get off their back and stop asking them questions already.

[therainingkiwi]

YES to all of this but also consider: vampires who only remember the most trivial stuff.

“Oh yeah, the only thing I remember about the American Revolution was this nice candlemaker I met sometime, and she was wearing this really cute red shawl…”

“Uhhh I don’t remember much about the fall of Rome but there was this one fucking cobblestone right outside the coliseum…”

[mothmo]

Also consider: vampires who realize three or four hundred years after the fact that they knew someone famous.

Just sits up in bed one night screaming “THAT WAS GEORGE GODDAMN WASHINGTON”

[what-even-is-thiss]

*vampire wakes up his girlfriend in the middle of the night*

“Stacy. Hey, hey Stacy.”

“Wh- Eric, what now?”

“I just realized that I missed the entire Islamic golden age.”

“Wh- what?”

“I missed it, Stacy. The whole thing. I was lost in a forest the whole time. I was so lost.”

“Eric, I’m trying to sleep.”

“Stacy they… listen here, Stacy. I missed the invention of the number zero. Stacy, Stacy I’m freaking out.”

[maximumgayce]

@probablyvampirerpgideas

[thebibliosphere]

IMPORTANT QUESTION. Vampires aren't suppose to enter a premise without being invited right? What if a hermit vampire was living in his falling apart old castle and some fuck bought it as a "fixer upper", would the vampire just glitch out on to the lawn or would he be okay since he lived there before?

Okay so this would depend on where you are in the world, and whether or not they had squatters rights (can’t be evicted and can apply for legal ownership of place once they have been there for X amount of years) but I mean, the dude owns the place, even if it is a run down mess he was still there first and there’s probably some ancient land ownership law which can’t be overwritten by modern laws (you find all sorts of weird things are still technically legal cause no one bothered to update the books since 1645) so basically whoever just bought this castle to turn it into a modern fixer upper, congrats, you also just bought yourself a vampire and he’s not going anywhere.

(Also now I kind of want to write this where a family buys it to turn it into a hotel/wedding venue and the kids find the vampire in the attic and he ends up being the weird uncle who gets roped into hilarious wedding related shenanigans?? Like 

“Okay yes fine, you can host weddings here, but registrar only, no religious ones.” “But Theolodious, why?”“Really Sharon, really, do I have to spell it out for you. Really.”

*

“We really should increase the lighting for photographs, what about skylights?”“No.”“But—”“How about I just set all of you on fire while you’re trying to sleep.”

*

“Please, for the love of god, please don’t let people throw confetti or rice, I’m begging you.”

*

“Okay what’s our final head count for the night?”“107.”“Are you sure?”“Did I fucking stutter Steve?”

*

“Uncle Theo, why does the groom have “help me” on the bottom of his shoes, why is everyone laughing?.”“Because small one, humanity has failed collectively as a species and heteronormativity is a constructed lie designed to oppress over half the population for not conforming to arcane and chauvinistic ideals put in place by dead scholars who have long since turned to dust and have no place influencing modern society.”“…”“Permanence is an illusion.”

*

“Madame, flattering as your offer is for a quickie, you’re not my type.”“What is your type then?” ;) ;) ;)“O negative.”

*

“Whoo, what a day, I could eat a horse.”“Same.”“…”“…well obviously I’m not going to.”

*

“Theo…are you…are you crying?”“Yes.”“You big softie, I never thought someone like you would cry at a wedding.”“…I’ve lived a long life, Sharron. People come and go, the christening you bless will be the funeral you mourn in less than a century. But people keep saying “I love you”, that has to count for something.”

[dateamonster]

original theory: succubi are always women, incubi are always men 

facts: in fact succubus comes from the latin word “succubare” which means “to lie under” and incubus comes from the latin word “incubare” which means “to lie on”

new improved theory: incubi are always tops and succubi are always bottoms. gender doesn’t matter at all.

[aimofdestiny]

addendum: if the sex demon in question is versatile, they’re a concubus, from the latin for ‘to lie with/beside’.

[deadcatwithaflamethrower]

Proper Latin headcanon accepted.