Ms. Kay Supreme

I've been fat my whole life. Well, except for a brief stint between 2010 & 2011. I accomplished a lot in that time frame and then let it all get away from me. In 2014, I weighed in at the heaviest I'd ever been -- not quite ready to share those numbers with everyone, but I promise I will do so soon. I've come here to write about my journey. Yes, I'll be writing for me, but I'll also be writing for anyone else out there struggling with this same demon. So, welcome one and all, I am... Ms. Kay Supreme

[mskaysupreme]

Birthday Cake & Beer

For a really long time, I lost myself. I'm not saying I've "Found" myself again, but she's less elusive today than even a week ago. I give credit to music, mostly. But also birthday cake. And especially beer.

Music: I love music. I live music. Music is my life. And I've missed it terribly. My sister and I have been going to more concerts recently than in the past. Mostly because we can both afford to buy decent seats at the shows that have seats, and also because we can. We're adults. We've decided as a new tradition to get one another concert tickets for our birthdays. I bought us tickets to see Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats / Kings of Leon. She got us tickets to see Counting Crows / Matchbox Twenty. We've been listen to Matchbox Twenty for just over twenty years -- fitting, right? The show was 9/23 -- my birthday. And while the day started out crappy with a headache, it ended incredibly. It was like I came alive again. Dancing, singing, and not giving a flying eff, true BAMF style.

Next up? Our Lady Peace. A band I have been listening to for twenty years. A band I've never seen live. A band I have wanted to see live since I started listening to them. I. CANNOT. WAIT. I recently re-bought all of their albums because mine are super scratched and not playing in anything I own. It is going to be life changing. I know it. To see them live. It'll be the same feeling, only on fire, of when I got to be a part of "Desperately Wanting" played live by Better Than Ezra. Does anyone else feel like this about music? I hope so.

Listening to music again has got me feeling like me again. It's motivating me to move more. To reclaim myself. TO. OWN. ME. I hate not being able to be me. It's exhausting.

Birthday Cake: I have leftover birthday cake. It's been here since Monday. I just now had a piece. There's like two pieces left. I will probably not even eat them. A month ago? I would have scarfed them down and then hated myself. There's no point in doing either thing, so I'm not going to. It's good cake, too, guys. That fake whipped frosting, but it isn't gaggy, and the cake is really dense and still good all these days later. I claim this as a victory.

Beer: Good Lord Above do I love beer. Actually, I love drinking in general, as a social thing. And I really love a good IPA. My boyfriend doesn't really drink. It can make things awkward because sometimes I really want to go out and have a good time and cut loose, and he just doesn't get it, and I feel like I'm being judged. That's not a good thing, and I've only just now started to notice it. I have friends though that like beer, and we have a good time when we go out, I just wish he wouldn't act like drinking one or two beers is the stupidest thing in the world. I don't know. I'm a social butterfly and he isn't. It can be stressful. Anyway, my new favorite beer? The Marsupi-ALE at Biere de Mack in Mackinaw City, MI. It is SO GOOD.

Sorry I was AWOL, by the way. I'll be back to daily goals and kicking butt on Sunday. My boyfriend and I are going metal detecting Saturday and it'll be the first time in a long time that we've had to just ourselves. I'm hoping it'll be fun. I think it'll be fun. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like he's tired of me. And I really feel like that lately. He's tired of me and he doesn't find me attractive. He claims it isn't true, but I don't know.

Anyway, I'm going to go listen to Our Lady Peace and drink some All Day IPA and then tuck myself into bed. Tomorrow is Friday! WOOHOO!

[mskaysupreme]

Fat to Finish Line to Fat to Finish Line

Just finished watching the "From Fat to Finish Line" documentary. I didn't make it five minutes without getting choked up. And there were numerous times during the hour and half running (ha! pun!) time of the film that I cried, remembering things about races that I've done that I've pushed deep down inside of me; locking them in a chest in keeping them away from the "Now Me". And I realized how silly that is. I realized how silly it is to not purposely share, with vigor, the memory of Freep... coming to the crest of the Ambassador Bridge and seeing Canada, and then being greeted by Tim Horton's. And how good the orange was from the people in the one neighborhood. And the art in Windsor along the river. And seeing the Stars & Stripes hanging above us all as we exited the Under Water Mile of the Windsor Tunnel; touching the flag as I made my way to the last leg of my first ever half marathon. How insanely good the M&Ms were at around mile 11. How incredible it was to have random strangers telling me I was doing a good job. How I cried so hard when I heard my name come across the loudspeakers, and had this giant crowd of people I didn't know cheering me on as I crossed the finish line. Then there was Bayshore, and I didn't know if I was going to make it, and then there were the people handing out glasses of beer. And it was the best beer I've ever had. The finish line ice cream was the best ice cream I've ever had. And then, my parents were there. And I didn't know. My dad made me a sign. They watched as I crossed the finish line, as much unaware of my tears as I was to their presence, but at that moment, I think they realized how much work it all is, and maybe why I was choosing to do all these crazy races. And before those two half marathons, and between and after, there were other races. Because it was something I loved. Something I needed. But mostly, mostly it was the love. The love from everyone, to everyone, that kept bringing me back. The finish line hugs and space blankets. The way the volunteers genuinely smiled as they placed the medal over your head. The personal triumphs, and the triumph of every single person involved in putting on such a big race. The course friendships built. The finish line goodies. The post-race meals, medals around our necks, and then the naps. And blisters. But throughout it all, love. And I miss it. And I'm going back to it, because during that whole time, I was finally me. I was devoted to me. I understood me. And I wanted nothing more but to be me. I was happy. I keep thinking about how to "get back" to where I was. And I've talked about it frequently. Blogged about it. Blabbed about it. And yet, I just don't let myself. Because I know for other people it will be scary for things to not be the same as they have been. But they can't keep going like this. I can't keep going like this. Admittedly, I was eating donuts while watching the film. But I didn't eat all of the ones I bought (3). I've been finding this happening more and more lately. And it's a good thing. I'm noticing myself not wanting to eat fast food. I'm noticing myself not wanting to binge and gorge. I'm noticing myself WANTING to move more. I'm noticing myself wanting to make healthier choices again. I'm desiring it. I'm desiring being desirable again. My boyfriend and I are nearing our five year anniversary, and about six months into our relationship, I had decided to get the Paragard IUD put in. I wanted to be off hormonal birth control. I blamed my weight gain on it, but I knew that it wasn't the culprit. It was us going out to eat every weekend for like, every single meal. It was being happy with someone, and gaining the "comfort" weight. But the IUD has been causing more issues than I've ever commented on because I thought it was just my body. But I'm getting it out in 9 days and going back to the Pill of some kind. Because I think I'm one of those people who needs some help with her hormones. And when I was on the Pill, I wasn't as "crazy" feeling. And I could moderate myself better. And I didn't always feel like I had PMS like I do now. So, I'm hoping that with the IUD coming out, restarting the pill, and then finishing the Mackinac Island Trio Series on 10/22, that I'll really finally be able to tell myself, "Yes, you can. You've done all three races. Now you can do more." and get myself moving again. And back to the gym. And just, well, back to me.

[mskaysupreme]

On This Day...

Oh Facebook, what a devilish little tool you are!

I love the "On This Day" thing that Facebook has because it reminds me of the hilarious things I've said and done in the past, as well as how confident I was about my weight loss and how determined and dedicated I was to the process.

It always brings some other things to the forefront. Some things that haven't really made sense for almost four years. But now that I've gotten to look back on all of it, and kind of blurted out my feelings about all of it, I realize that what I'm doing to myself mentally, and in turn physically, has got to stop.

NOW.

What in the world am I talking about? Well, so far this month I've gotten to look back at my time at my former employer (the hospital) and how terrible the whole situation made me feel. It's like I've blocked it all out and Facebook is bringing it all to the surface, and I'm glad. I'm so glad.

Because I don't cry in my car at lunch. I don't feel like I'm being forced to be someone I'm not. I don't feel like no matter how hard I try, the people I work with are never going to like me. I don't feel the need to fit a part with how I dress. And I don't feel the need to alter my eating habits so that I won't have to be judged.

I am nearing the point where I haven't worked at the hospital for longer than I worked there. And I was talking to Geoff about it the other day, and that part of my issue is that I feel like I've had to become everything they thought about me. I had to make that come true.

That I'm fat. Lazy. Slobby. Incapable of not stuffing my face with junk food. A child.

And so, that's what I've been doing. Why, I have no idea. I'm not a psychologist, so that one may take a little while to figure out, but I know that that is what has been happening. I've not registered for races because my former boss was participating. I've avoided places entirely in the city the hospital is located because I didn't want to have to deal with it. I had panic attacks in that town just being in various stores. Because I didn't want to think about what if someone saw me, did they go back to the office and talk about me? Because they were all effing petty like that, so it wouldn't surprise me if they did. And I didn't need to even think about it, so I tried to avoid it. But at the same time I felt it was necessary to give them what they wanted to gossip about. That they had won.

I've been letting them win this whole time! WHY HAVE I BEEN LETTING THEM WIN!? WHY have I given this stupid group of catty women control over my whole being?! Why have I talked myself into not being worth it, when for so long I was the one telling everyone else that they are worth it?!

I'm not afraid of the work. At all. I miss the work. The gym. The healthy eating. The racing. The lifting of weights. The resistance training. I want it back. And I'm going to get it back. It isn't going to be easy. And I'm okay with that... and I'm not going to take baby steps anymore because that's not getting me anywhere. I'm jumping in to the deep end and starting from there.

And I know that I can float. And I know that I can swim. And I know I have support around me, so if I feel like I'm starting to sink, all I have to do is reach out and someone will be there. And for that, I'm so very grateful.

[mskaysupreme]

Used to Be. I Used to Be.

Fresh snow is quietly falling outside. It's April 3rd. I know that I live in Michigan and that we were being teased with the quick melt, but I'd really like for all of this snow to stop. I don't mind rain when it's supposed to be spring time. But the snow? While it's pretty, it's depressing and reminds me of how much I miss the sun, sand and lack of ice cover on the wonderful lakes that surround me.

The snow also reminds me of all of the work I have yet to do in every aspect of my life. I'm getting better about some things and have managed to lose a few pounds in the past month or so, but I really haven't been working at it. Mentally, I have been working at it. Reminding myself of how far I've come in regards to my eating disorder recovery and being diligent about shutting away the evil that still lurks in my head. Two weeks ago I was cleaning my apartment and began bargaining with myself that on the days when I see people after work, I would eat; but on the days when I don't see anybody, I wouldn't eat. That included Wednesday and Thursday and Sunday. The rest of the week I would eat normally but on those three days it would be nothing but liquids. As I sat and continued to bargain with myself about it, it reminded me of many moons ago when I would tell myself the same thing. I was swimming regularly but I wasn't eating and I remember fitting into a smaller size at the mall in Grand Rapids and then almost passing out because I hadn't actually eaten in like a week and a half.

Not eating was better than eating and throwing it up. I was saving money by not eating, and I was saving calories. And nobody could tell because I didn't have blood shot eyes and broken blood vessels all over my face. My knuckles weren't scratched from my teeth and I didn't have to keep cleaning the bathroom. I also didn't have to hide from people when it came to food. I told people I'd already eaten, wasn't hungry, had an upset stomach earlier in the day... anything I could do to avoid eating, I did.

Every time I walk into a Burger King, I'm hit by a ton of bricks in the form of memories. Vivid memories of being at school in Grand Rapids. Of getting food and walking back to my little pseudo-apartment dorm room and eating and then throwing it up. McDonald's was the one I went to in Marquette. All of these things are burned into my mind. I still freeze up eating some things and have to quickly wash it down and count to one hundred before rushing to the bathroom to get rid of it. My whole body will tense; my feet will spread and lock my legs against table legs and I will grip the table so tightly my nails turn white from the pressure. I lock my jaw and focus on something far in front of me and count. And count. And count. Until the urge passes.

This is something I will probably have to do for me entire life, and it's why I have such a hard time when I hear people talking about food in a "bad" and "good" manner. Food is food. Food is meant to be enjoyed. It's meant to feed the body. It doesn't matter where it comes from or how it comes to you, you need it to fuel you -- physically and mentally. Whenever anyone else starts to become afraid of food, I notice that I start to become afraid of food again and the only way to shut those feelings up is to nosh on fattening junk food because I want to show people that it's okay to eat that kind of stuff or something. I really haven't figured that part out. Or maybe it's that if I do that, they'll get the hint that I don't want to talk about that subject -- to show them that they aren't listening to me when I mention my issues when it comes to food. And that I want them to leave me alone.

I've gotten to that point in my life where I want everyone to just leave me alone. Not here; not here where people listen and support, but in real life. In real life, everyone comes to me to talk about everything going on in their lives and I can't take it because I never get to talk about me. I don't really have a lot to say, but I do have some things to say. I do have some feelings about things. I do struggle with some things. But it seems like I'm not important. I'm not important unless someone needs something and then, and only then, am I incredibly important. It's not that I want to be the center of attention, and it's not that I want to say, "Hey! Look at me! I have problems, too!" it's that I just want someone to ask me how I'm doing for once, and mean it. Really mean it.

I need to get back to exercising. I know I'll feel better if I do. And I've thought about incorporating some yoga or meditation into it because I feel like I'm not centered. I told my mom on the phone the other day that I miss being at the gym for like four hours a day, that it is where I felt my best. I didn't hate on myself while I was there. I challenged myself and looked forward to every day making a little bit more progress at something. Whether heavier weights, a faster speed on the treadmill or one more push-up, it was a challenge I needed and it allowed me to lock myself away from every distraction in my life. And I have so many distractions. So many time sucks. I've pushed around my schedule "in case" someone might want to hang out with me. I stopped doing that when I was doing my best working out and eating right. Those two things were my priorities and it didn't matter if I made people wait or didn't see them at all -- I had my goals and I was sticking to them.

It didn't matter that people didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing, how long I was doing it for, or how frequently. It didn't matter if people didn't understand why I liked doing races. It didn't matter if people didn't understand why I liked to lift heavy. And it didn't matter if people COULDN'T understand it or DIDN'T WANT to understand it. I did it anyway. I quit doing it anyway and look where it got me. I quit not caring and started caring and worrying and look where it got me. I quit turning up the volume on my headphones and started turning up the volume on the outside world and look where it got me.

It's not that I want to ignore everyone, it's just that I want to ignore everyone, and I want everyone to ignore me. I know, I sound crazy because a few paragraphs ago I was whining that nobody was paying attention to me, but I guess I just want the right kind of attention. I don't need to be questioned as to what I'm doing. I don't need people to get in my way. I just want someone to talk to about it all and have them go, "Well cool, keep it up, can't wait to see your medals!" or, "Hey, I understand, I like to do xyz and other people don't get it,  but I just keep at it." Is it really so hard? I really don't know.

I used to be in charge of myself. I used to be completely in charge of everything and now it feels like everyone else has taken a little bit of that control and I'm trying desperately to take it back. And I feel like I am. One step at a time, by removing the time sucks from my life. My getting rid of the people who weigh me down with their constant negativity and by walking away from stress. I don't need it, it isn't doing me any good, and it takes up my time and my happiness. And I'm tired of it.

And I'm tired of being tired because of other people, darn it; I just want my life back.

[mskaysupreme]

Calming Down, Facing Facts

I try really hard to maintain an even keel when it comes to life, and sometimes, as we all know, it just doesn't happen. I get worked up over small things, focus too much on the negative, and watch as all of the things I worked hard for crumble to pieces. I've been trying for the month of February to just CALM DOWN in regards to life, and face some facts about the way I've been going about things. I've had a great few weeks and know that in a few days, the PMS will be ramping up again and I'll have to start the whole cycle all over. Or will I? I have a lot of debt -- from student loans to credit cards -- and I'm trying really hard to pay it off. I've thought about a lot of different ways to do it, and right now, I'm just going to keep paying month by month to get it some of it down. Once I've paid of a few of the smaller ones, my plan is to ask my bank or a local credit union for a loan to pay off the rest of it. I'd love to only have one place to pay back instead of fifteen. My student loans are another matter, that I have discovered a tactic to deploy and am actually EXCITED to start doing so. A lot of my stress comes from money. Will I have enough to do X, Y, and Z? What if I need to new pants or a bra or an eye exam? I really wish that Home Economics would have still been around when I was in school -- it may have, but I don't think it was. So, while I'm trying to pay off debt, I'm also trying to save money. A little bit here and there is the best way to go right now. I've decided to stop getting coffee from the gas station (and in turn all the junk food that comes with it) and have decided to put the roughly $10/week that it will save me into my hardly used checking account at my local bank. At the end of the month, I'll move half of that into the savings account that is attached to it. It doesn't seem like a lot, but when you're used to not having any savings at all, even seeing $40 holed away is a relief. My dear and loving boyfriend bought me a FitBit for Christmas, and while I wear it daily, I don't take full advantage of it, and I'm going to start. The days are getting longer and the snow is melting, and that means getting outside and walking. I can't right now justify spending money to join the gym despite wanting to. I have everything here at home and outside that I need to workout and get in shape and lose weight and be healthy. Plus, being outside allows for photographing and fresh air always makes my brain feel good. I've been lazy. That is the biggest fact I've been having to face. My boyfriend growing out of his pants, however, has made the struggle real to at least one other person in my life and I actually relish in that fact. When you're trying to lose weight and nobody else around you really has a weight problem, but likes to say that they're fat and can't fit in their clothes, it's like a slap in the face because they don't know the true struggle. I'm going to track my food as best as I can -- It won't be daily perfection I'm sure because some days it is just impossible if I'm not cooking -- and will be upping my water and will be trying to get up in the morning to do some form of a work out. I have DVDs galore, and weights, and a stair stepper and resistance bands. Essentially I have both the excuses and the solutions to all of my problems, haha. I'm looking again to you, Interwebs,  to help me with this journey. Whether you're a new friend, or an old friend, together we CAN do this. Here's to a new week!

[mskaysupreme]

Back in the Saddle... Again

I've tried, and failed, at losing weight (again) numerous times in the recent past. And the common thread that ties those journeys together was that I didn't have any sort of community to go to when I was struggling, and I remembered that the community here is what helped me to reach my goals, and as soon as I drifted away, everything started to change.

So, I'm back. Slowly but surely I'll be getting back into the total swing of things. I won't be tracking food, but I am watching what I eat. Sundays are my day to kinda graze and eat whatever, but the rest of the week, I have a very good game plan. Tracking causes anxiety for me, and I've done it enough times and long enough that I know what's good for me and what isn't, and how to make better choices.

I'm still trying to figure out how I want to go about exercising, since I'm living on my own and paying like, all of my bills by myself. Thankfully my parents help out with a couple things because otherwise I'd be completely broke all the time. For the most part though, the big bills, they're mine.

I'm hoping to be able to join the gym in St. Ignace soon. It costs the same as the one here in Cheboygan, but I'd have no excuse not to go since it's like, less than 1/4 mile from my office. I like that the gym in Cheboygan is all new and stuff, and open 24 hours a day, but I've never been able to get my head into the game there. I think it may be different at the gym in St. Ignace.

I don't have a clear set of goals right now, I'm giving myself the next two months of this year to come up with goals for 2016. For now, I'm just going to float through, make small changes a day at a time, and try to make them habits as the days go on.

[mskaysupreme]

Body of Truth -- My Truth

Just finished reading "Body of Truth" by Harriet Brown. I would like to recommend this book to anyone who has ever struggles with their weight -- whether you are overweight or not -- as the author brings to light the way we have all gotten so screwed up when it comes to our bodies and the way we eat. The hardest part about being fat is that you're constantly expected to hate yourself because of the internal fear that everyone around you has that they too may become fat. Fat is something to be feared. People would rather lose limbs than be fat. And they will make you feel like your life would be better if you weren't fat. That YOU would be better if you weren't fat. I don't hate myself anymore, and it honestly has been the weirdest revelation to make. I haven't purged since I don't know when, I had Burger King for lunch the other day and didn't feel I had to justify it to anyone nor did I feel guilty about eating it. I'm nor on a quest for acceptance from anyone, and I adventure and take my body to the limits physically BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD to me. Exercise isn't a punishment to me. Food isn't scary anymore either. I eat what I want when I want how I want, and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I've lost 22 pounds since this time last year and have kept it off by being aware of my body -- not beating myself up, not working out for four hours a day -- just by being. And it's an awesome feeling. So guess what? If you are happy, enjoying life, doing your thing and putting positivity into the world? You can't get any better because you are already perfect and awesome! Losing weight does NOT make someone a better person. You might feel better physically, but if mentally you're stressed out and not able to put positivity into the world... What is the point in working so hard?

[mskaysupreme]

Sharing

I get asked questions a lot. Simple things like how my life is going... And if there's anything new... And there's a reason I don't share things with people anymore. That reason? Nobody really seems like they ACTUALLY care. They just want to talk AT me about their lives and problems. They want me to censor myself so that I can remain the ever steadfast rock of a person they have come to [take advantage of] know. Social media is destroying us. People live to share their lives for likes. I quit doing it. I share the things in my life that I think may bring joy to others. I share things that have brought me joy. My efforts are rarely noticed. And I'm not sure as to why. Tonight I decided it was jealousy. I manage to do with a phone what some can't do with a $1200 camera that should do it for them. I also don't need to rely on fancy filter packs or Photoshop actions to make the shot... It makes me feel better anyway to justify it like that.

[mskaysupreme]

GERD Dermmit

Wednesday, July 8, 2015, I went to the Walk-In Clinic with slight chest pains. The only reason I went was because they had started the night prior but had gone away with some Tums and sleep. I was just sitting at my desk and I felt this squeezing in my chest. It wasn’t radiating anywhere except maybe to my back some, but then it could have just been simple discomfort from the pain in my chest. At any rate, I went on lunch to try to figure out what was going on. Well, let me tell you all a little something: When you go to the Walk-In Clinic anywhere and say you have chest pain, they will automatically treat it as a cardiac emergency. I think what happened is the past week I had indulged more than I had been. It was Geoff’s birthday and we were stuffed full of hot dogs and macaroni salad and baked beans, and then we had ice cream cake. Plus there had been donuts. Then there was the pizza. And if you add all that to the crazy amounts of salsa I had been eating, the iced tea I had been drinking and the V8 juice I had just started drinking, and the iced mocha Slim-Fast combos I had been making, I think you will find you have the recipe for disaster in terms of acid production in the stomach. The good news from all of this? The doctor said my EKG was “Perfect.” and my lungs and labs are all good, so yes, in general, I’m apparently pretty healthy. I was, however, diagnosed with GERD or Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disease – which, after a long history with bulimia, only seems to make sense. The little flappy guy who is supposed to stay closed, doesn’t, and he lets stomach acid creep up into my esophagus and cause problems. My sentence? Two weeks of NO coffee (decaf or regular), no pop, no energy drinks, no tea (decaf or regular), no carbonated beverages, no spicy foods, no chocolate, no peppermint, and I’m supposed to stay away from tomatoes, citrus foods, fried and fatty foods, etc. Plus, no eating 2-3 hours before bed, no large meals, and to stop eating as soon as I start to feel full. The list of NO seems huge, but it really isn’t, but when you get told you can’t have something, you want it, like 4,000,000 times more than you ever thought you would. I’ve had minimal amounts of caffeine since all this started – mostly in the form of Midol because it worked two-fold, caffeine need and as a pain reliever. I also had a half a cup of coffee yesterday that was actually more half & half than coffee because my headache started to come back. But if you think about it, I’m doing pretty good if you consider I had been consuming upwards of 300mg of caffeine a day (95mg / 8oz) with the amount of coffee I usually drank in the morning, plus if I had any at Geoff’s house later in the day. For a comparison, a single Midol has 60mg of caffeine and that’s all I’ve had today. My goal is to be completely off of it by Wednesday. Will I drink coffee again? Yes. Eat chocolate again? Yes. Peppermint? Of course. Spicy foods? Uh, my nickname isn’t MexiKim just because I tan well… but I am taking this very seriously as I am pretty significantly overweight and these chest pains could have been a heart attack and not just severe heart burn. When the things on the patient hand out regarding treatment include the fact that being overweight can really make this whole thing worse, you realize that this is the kick in the pants you’ve been waiting for in order to get back into eating better and moving more. And it’s honestly what I needed. I don’t hate the way I look. That’s a huge deal for me. And so it’s hard to try to battle my body when I do love it. Especially its resilience! My poor body has been through a lot and it just keeps coming back fighting. If this is all I have to deal with, it really isn’t a big deal, because it really is very manageable. I’ve already been trying to watch what I eat, and I’ve successfully lost 20 pounds and kept it off for almost an entire year. Do I wish it were more? Sure, but to lose 20 pounds and keep it off is a feat in and of itself. Most people gain back weight they lose, plus some, and hey, I know all about how true that fact is. So, the game plan from here on out is to actually make good on promises I had made to myself when I moved into the new apartment: Get up and get moving. And that’s what I did this morning. I set out on a walk, intending only to go as far as the end of the block/street, and I ended up walking a total of 4.3 miles around Cheboygan. It was a great morning and I saw a lot of other people out walking, walking dogs, getting their boats ready, and it was super quiet. I consider it my version of church. Because I got to marvel at all the things God has created that I am so lucky to live around. Lake Huron & the Cheboygan River were smooth as glass this morning; a hazy summer sunrise breaking to reveal blue skies and sunshine. The smell of fresh baked goods, the store fronts that have wonderful displays of merchandise, the amazing flowers all in bloom soaking up the sunshine and moist, humid air, it was all so calming and peaceful. I drifted back and forth to all the different places I’ve lived; walking down the old, dark skinny sidewalks reminded me of East Detroit, walking around the turn around at Gordon Turner Park/City Beach reminded me of Marquette, the smell of hot ragweed reminded me of the prairies by Glenview, a wooden fence, warmed by the sun smelled like our little backyard patio in Alameda, but the best part, was that downtown reminded me of Grayling, and it made me feel at home. The new apartment has done wonders for my mental and emotional health, even if I’m not totally unpacked yet. My African violet now has TWO flowers on it. It never bloomed at all the ENTIRE time I had it at the old place. It just feels so good to feel good. To enjoy coming home and meeting the older people, and to come home at night and only hear the faint voices of television programs coming from partially open doorwalls (aka sliding glass doors). To go to bed and only hear the whir of my fan, and to wake up and hear the various birds is incredible. I don’t feel angry and tense all the time, and I finally feel like everything I’ve worked for is finally showing. And it feels fantastic.

[mskaysupreme]

New Apartment. New Outlook.

I've been in my new apartment for an entire week now. My sister came up to visit and I ended up having a sleep over with her, my boyfriend and my boyfriend's 12 year old niece. It's nice to have a place big enough to do that. Karyn (sister) and Andi (niece) helped me unpack a lot and helped put away things and really made my whole place feel like a home. I made iced tea with water from the tap -- a HUGE deal considering the last place I lived I was told not to drink the water from the tap. Not having farty smelling hot water has also really improved my mood. I don't dread showering and I can even take a bath and shave my legs like a normal person now! I can also hang up all clothes that need to be hung up and I have places to put just about everything. I have to pay for my laundry but at $3/load (total to wash & dry), I'm really not all that bummed out about it. I met some neighbors tonight who went to Finlandia and they're a younger couple so that's also cool. I just FEEL GOOD. The neighborhood is quiet, there's a nice rustling tree outside my balcony, and I don't dread coming home. I have a feeling this will begin to really show in regards to my body quite soon. My skin is clearing up, I have more energy, and I'm beginning to remember what it was like to want to work out for the fact that it makes me FEEL GOOD and not because I need to wage a war on myself. Now for leftover pizza and a movie and then bed.

[mskaysupreme]

Six Months In, Nothing to Show

Tomorrow marks June 1st; the start of the sixth month of 2015 and I really have nothing to show for it in terms of weight loss. I can say that my endurance has increased somewhat as walks that my boyfriend and I take that were rough aren’t rough at all anymore, and we’re constantly trying to challenge ourselves with distance and our adventures. 

The next adventure? Lilac Fest 10K on Mackinac Island this Saturday, 6/6. I haven’t done a 10K in like, four years. I’m not going for a PR, I’m not even running. I’m going to just to do it. To prove to myself that I can. 

And then before that event even happens, I’m signing up for the 8-miler and half marathon on the Island, because I want those two medals, and I want the trifecta medal as well. 

Because I’m crazy. 

No, not really. I need to stop saying that. It wasn’t crazy six years ago when I first started doing races. I made that my goal, racing, running, not losing weight. The losing weight part just kind of happened along with the running. 

But I was also angry then. And confused about life and how a boy was treating me. And it’s like I have nothing to be angry and confused about anymore, and so all of the motivation tactics that everyone else seems to be using just don’t apply to me. I don’t have that angry energy and honestly, it kinda sucks, because I don’t have people around me who are all excited about running and racing. Mostly because they’ve never done one, but also because they think they can’t do it. 

THAT gets aggravating. Because I know it can be done. I’ve done it. Sure, I’ve struggled through. Sure, I’ve cried at the end of finish lines -- probably all of them, because even if it’s just a 5K, the fact that you started AND DID NOT GIVE UP is remarkable. Even if you’re a top runner. If your head isn’t in the game, or you feel a little tight in the legs, it’ll make you want to quit. 

So yeah, I’ve got a 10K an 8-Miler and a Half Marathon coming up, and I’m going to focus on that and getting my mileage in and go from there. 

Oh, and I’m moving to a new apartment without internet for awhile and it’s more expensive than my current apartment, so I’ll be without the gym I think for a little bit until my finances settle down and I can get to doing some creative stuff for Etsy and such. 

So! Here’s to June! *clink*

[mskaysupreme]

Quickie!

I'm trying to gauge my progress through NSVs because the scale can really screw with my brain, but it's been hard.... until tonight. I fit into a pair of slacks I haven't been able to fit into for like two years, and am comfortably sitting in them, and I just may wear them to work... AND they make my butt look great.

[mskaysupreme]

Here Goes Nothing

Mobile post coming atchya! 1. Rejoined the gym -- Going in the AM. 2. Eating is getting easier -- Body doesn't like junk food. 3. Happiness is easy -- There's so much love & beauty in the world. You just have to be open to it. 4. Photography -- My passion is reemerging. I love it. 5. Fashion -- Finally feeling comfortable in my own skin again. Night all!!

[mskaysupreme]

Engines Roaring

I joined a DietBet last week. I decided it was time to actually make myself do something about my current weight and body shape. So far, I've been sticking to the game plan of watching what I eat and doing some variety of exercise before the day ends. 

Sunday I went for a walk and took photos with my boyfriend.  Monday I went for a walk and took photos with my boyfriend.  Tuesday I went for a walk and took photos with my boyfriend.  Wednesday (Today) I did part of a Biggest Loser DVD & a Leslie Sansone DVD.

As food is always an issue, I’ve let my boyfriend know of my goals and that he can tell me to “stop” when it comes to food. And that I don’t have to eat what his mom might put in front of me when we have dinner at their house. I would never get mad (not now or ever before) if I have told someone I want to lose weight and they tell me to cut back on something if we’re just mindlessly snacking. I need those reminders because otherwise I’ll drown in malted milk balls and Bugles. Mmm.... Bugles. 

Anyway. I’ve probably been weighing myself too much and therefore causing myself minor periods of excitement followed by minor periods of anger because I haven’t seen a consistent loss since before my gym membership expired. 

Clearly -- for me -- this is going to be both about diet and exercise. Not one or the other, but both, working together simultaneously to produce results. I’ve been doing alright when it comes to food, though; no binge eating or purging. No starvation or fasting. Just... eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, and try to make the best decisions possible when it comes to meals and snacks. 

Hell, I’ve actually eaten breakfast at home two days in a row, and it consisted of a bowl of cereal EACH TIME! I really don’t even crave any of the other crap anymore -- sure, I have my moments, as we all do, but I don’t deprive myself and that has probably helped the most out of anything. If I want to eat some Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies, I will. And I’ll stop when I’ve had enough and move along.... a year ago, those wouldn’t last a day in my house. I’d have them all inhaled before I even told someone I bought them.

Because I’d want them gone as fast as possible so they wouldn’t linger and tempt me and throw me off track. I’d just inhale them and feel guilty and sleep, or inhale them, feel guilty and purge. But not anymore. Hell, I FORGET I have stuff like that in my apartment, and when I do remember, I kind of get that urgent feeling to get rid of it, but I ignore it, or feed it some and then tell it to shut the hell up because I WILL stab it with a Q-Tip. 

I feel better working out, but I feel doubly better because I’m photographing. I’m photographing everything. I don’t care if people don’t like them, I don’t care if I don’t get any love on the Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. I AM a photographer and I need to quit ignoring that. 

So. In the end. March is going to end on a high note and April will start on a high note, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. 

[mskaysupreme]

Stalled Out

We’re on the 18th day of March and my efforts at everything healthy have pretty much stalled out. I don’t know what happened exactly, but once again, I find myself in constant debates with myself over food and working out. I don’t want any of it to be punishment and I don’t want anyone to comment on my food or my working out or my anything.

Well, in person that is. I don’t mind it if it is on the internet, because if I put it out there, I expect to receive comments, but if I’m just going about my business during the day, I don’t want it to be my focus, and I don’t want anyone else to make it my focus either. 

I haven’t weighed myself in over a week. I’m scared to. Why? I don’t know. Because I’m sure it’s a catastrophic gain. I can feel it in my clothes.

I was fooling myself when I said I didn't need the gym. I do need the gym. I miss the gym. I miss that alone time. I miss the focus. 

So anywho, that’s where I’m at. I have won some battles with myself in regards to purging and my brain trying to get me to only drink liquids and things like that, so I’m not counting the past 18 days as total failures. I haven’t purged. I haven’t fasted. I haven’t used any detox teas or anything. I’m still on top even if I feel like I’m slipping. 

[mskaysupreme]

MARCH!

ALREADY! Where has the year gone? We are just cruising right along! 

My gym membership has expired. I am letting it lapse until I feel like I want to go back to the gym. I've done some hard thinking over the past couple of months, and while I like the gym so I can keep track of mileage on a treadmill and the like, I actually miss my workout DVDs because it isn't just me, on a treadmill for an hour. 

I have a wide collection of workout DVDs, and while some make me nervous to do being that I'm on the second floor of a hundred year old building, I also appreciate that I won't have to "Get Ready" to go to the gym. If I want to workout in the morning, I can roll out of bed and do so. I have enough room in my apartment. I have the DVDs. I have free weights. And I had more progress the first time I did this whole weight loss adventure using DVDs and going for super long walks than I did when I got to the gym. 

I do LOVE the gym. Yes. I do. But economically as well, I just don't want to put out that money when I could use it to pay off debt. And I'm trying to offload this year, and not just when it comes to my weight. I made several silent resolutions and so far, it's been going pretty well. 

Today was a great day even if I really didn't do anything of note. I was unbelievably proud of myself today at Walmart while my cashier was beeping things through the line, because as I was watching the stuff go into my bags, I realized that I'm capable of buying food, eating it, not letting it go bad, cooking at home, not purging, etc. Heck! I made my own broccoli & ham soup today, and then I made a beer bread! THESE THINGS ARE HUGE FOR ME. 

I read the book, Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth awhile ago, and I'm thinking of re-reading it, because this is what we all need to be doing when it comes to our issues with food, our weight, our relationships, our relationships with food. We need to be able to be PROUD of ourselves and NOT beat ourselves up if we have fast food one night. Which, by the way, I totally had Burger King last Thursday, and my Whopper was picture perfect in the wrapper and tasted as good as it looked. I'd been wanting a burger for awhile and I finally got it! And I don't feel bad, or guilty, or anything. And I don't have that urge to go get it again. 

                          I think I deserve a giant gold star! 

I will be weighing in tomorrow morning to see where I'm at for my March 15th goal. I may not post it, but I am also planning on getting up and working out in the morning. Because it's a 30 minute DVD, and I know that's what it is, and to me, going to the gym means HOURS of work. Hours I enjoy, but I beat myself up over it, and like I just said, we can't do that to ourselves. 

So go out and get 'em guys! Make March a good one! 

[mskaysupreme]

Be Grateful

Today was one of those days that simply made me extremely grateful to be alive. Work was good, the ride home was sunny, my friend Lisa received the necklace Geoff and I made for her (yes, she loved it!), and I decided to stop at the park on the way home and sit in the daylight for a few minutes before continuing home. I snapped one photograph before my fingers decided it was much too cold to be out any longer and just soaked up the beauty that is northern lower Michigan in the winter. I honestly felt renewed. Where it came from, I'm not sure, but I embraced it in a couple ways. 

1: I finally made it back to the gym.  My plan was to only go for 30 minutes; you know, to break in the new shoes and reintroduce myself to the place. Those 30 minutes turned into 75 and 889 calories burned later I headed home. Best part? My feet don't hurt. I felt good on the treadmill, elliptical and bike, and I felt really good lifting. I wrote down the prices for a six month membership as well as a year and I think I'm going to just do six months and really start focusing on doing what I want to do at the gym, not what everyone else is doing or not doing. 

2: I ate a couple English muffins that had a best by date of 2/16.  This is a big deal because I'm expiry date paranoid. Some foods, the day before, I pitch. I check everything for mold religiously and really have to tell my mind that NO there is no mold on this because my brain wants to put it there anyway, which then makes me feel sick, which then in turn makes me make myself sick so that I can get rid of it instead of possibly poisoning myself with bad food. But tonight, I didn't do that. I won again! 

I've been going back and forth lately regarding people talking about their workouts, and I think what gets to me is that they seem to all just want to be skinny -- like, that's their motivation -- and, I just.. don't relate to that. Do I want to lose weight? Well, yah, duh. But I don't want to just be skinny. I want to have a nice shapely backside. I want to be able to lift heavy boxes by myself. I want to be strong. And I don't want to lose weight simply so that I'll fit into some stupid stereotype of what women should look like. 

I guess I just have to have a REASON to be training for something. A race, a climb, a mud run... something with a set end date so that I can give myself a time frame in which to work. I know this about myself, so trying to go along with how everyone else is doing it just derails me and I can't have that anymore. 

So I have races to register for, whether or not anyone is going to do them with me, and I have medals to earn. If you want to come along for any of them, either to do it with me, or just to hold a glittery sign and cheer me on, you're more than welcome. But I'm not half-assing this. I'm getting my head back in the game. And that means actually working toward an end result, not just showing up and hoping I can cross the finish line before the sweeper makes me get on the truck. 

Because I'm tired of being the one that gets left behind. I'm tired of feeling like others feel like I can't do things, and dammit, I'm tired of feeling like I can't do things because of my size. I CAN DO THESE THINGS, and I can do them well, and I can do them and make myself proud and then work even harder to do even better the following year.

Isn't the goal with all of this to IMPROVE upon things, not stay the same? If you aren't going at it with an attitude of improving your time, the amount you lift, your reps, etc., then what is the point?