The Witcher Headcanon - Learning the Hard Way
Lambert is one of those people who actually nice, but gods forbid anyone know it. He goes out of his way to be an absolute ar**hole to everyone, until he gets to know them better. Then he's still an ar**hole, just in a 'caring way'.
He just can't seem to drop the prickly exterior, even with people he likes. Not even with Jaskier. He actually likes Geralt's annoying Bard,
Of course he couldn't let them know he liked the Bard. That would ruin his image. It was hard though, especially after the first time he heard The Voice Crack.
Lambert spent many weeks taunting, teasing, bullying, and picking on Jaskier. But then he kind of stopped all that after Jaskier broke both his arms the following winter. Lambert felt kind of guilty about it since it had happened on his watch.
Of course, he pretended that he was only being nice to him because Geralt said he had to.
Lambert's prickliness got worse because he always seemed to make an a** of himself when he was around Jaskier. He blustered and bluffed, and snarked, but it always ended with his brothers laughing at him.
And the whole Splinter Incident.
And Geralt laughing at him the first time Songbird made that stupid hand sign at him.
Lambert becomes even more of an ar**hole when he notices how protective Yennefer is of the Bard. The Witcher doesn't know why, but it annoys him that she seems so...close with Songbird.
One morning he starts in on Jaskier as he sat with Geralt and Aiden, waiting for Eskel and Coen to return from hunting. He starts out with his usual bullying, and Jaskier does his best to ignore it.
Then he starts making little comments insiuating that surely there must be something going on between Jaskier and the witch. Jaskier had glanced sharply at Geralt, and made a series of angry gestures. His eyes were oddly cold and hard.
Geralt made a few gestures back, then calmly sipped his ale. Lambert glowered. They were doing that thing again. It just p*ssed him off even more. He started insulting the witch, and Jaskier was practically vibrating with indignation.
Geralt just has this odd look in his eye, almost like he knows something, but he just hmms quietly and says nothing.
Jaskier made a smarta** comment because he just couldn't keep his mouth shut.
And before anyone could stop him, Lambert had hauled the surprised Bard across the table.
He should have known something was off when neither Geralt nor Aiden moved from the table to intervene. All Geralt said was "Lambert, you don't want to f**k with him. Just let it go."
Songbird can't fight, can't hunt, can't swing a sword...he's pretty much helpless. All he can do is sing and look pretty. What's he gonna do, Geralt? Stab me with a quill? Write a mean song about me?
"For starters, I won't give you any more Love Bites-!"
"Hah! Maybe I can get your precious sorceress to give me one instead!"
Geralt gave him one more cryptic warning "You really don't want to f**k with him. Especially about Yen,"
Lambert was to angry to care. He wasn't going to hurt him, just slap him around a bit and scare him a little.
Lambert started out with threats and insults, pushing him and slapping him about the head, getting a little more physically aggressive when Jaskier tried to joke his way out of the situation. He squeaked something about that d**n witch and what she was going to do if he hurt him.
Lambert let him know what he thought of his threat with a punch to the face, followed by a punch to the stomach. Then he let him know his opinion of the witch. Jaskier's eyes had gotten dark and he'd demanded that Lambert shut up.
Lambert had laughed, then boasted and bragged, and said a few things that he probably shouldn't have said with Geralt sitting a few feet away.
He could tell the little sh*t was feeling cocky because his Witcher was watching. He could tell by the way his eyes flashed and the way he'd started smiling at him. Lambert couldn't believe the audacity. The little b**tard was actually grinning at him!
Jaskier's voice was eerily low, almost a growl "Say one more word about Yen, and I will do worse than bury you, Lambert. I will write a song about you so savage that you will never be able to leave Kaer Morhen again!"
Lambert had seen red. He decided it was time Songbird learned his place. He snarled and shoved Jaskier to the floor. He kicked him once in the chest, held him down and growled all sorts of nonsense about the horrible things he was going to do to the witch while Jaskier watched.
Then Lambert made a very bad decision: he teabagged him.
Geralt and Aiden howled with laughter as Lambert suddenly started shrieking. There was no other word for the sound Lambert made when Jaskier bit him on the goolies, and didn't let go.
Lambert was still shrieking when Jaskier finally did let go, and there was a quick flash of steel before a line of searing fire replaced Jaskier's teeth, and then the Bard was knocking him flat to the ground.
There was suddenly a bloody knife at Lambert's throat, and Jaskier's face was inches from his, his mouth bloody and with too many teeth showing. There was an absolutely feral look in his eyes. It was like looking into the face of snarling wolf
Lambert didn't need to see the blood on the Bard's face to know the bite had broken the skin. And the blood on the knife...Lambert had a very unsettling mental image of his...boys...barely hanging on.
He was vaguely aware of Geralt and Aiden discussing something, but making no move to help him at all. The b**tards!
The Bard leaned down and snarled deep and ugly in his chest "You won't touch her! You won't talk to her! You won't so much as even look in her direction!
Lambert was stunned. That feral look had him frozen. And why the f**k did he have a knife??? Jaskier was a Bard. As far as they all knew, he didn't carry any kind of weapon, unless his lute counted as one. He supposed you could bludgeon someone to death with it in a pinch.
The trapped Witcher grabbed Jaskier's wrist and tried to twist it away, but stopped when that feral grin got wider and he felt the prick of a second knife in his ribs. How many of those d**n things did he have???
Lambert couldn't let Jaskier know he was scared caught off guard, so he bluster and spat "F**k that stupid witch, she's-!"
"Say something again! Say something again about Yen! Say something again, and see what happens!" Jaskier snarled, both knives pressing a little harder against skin.
Lambert didn't even dare swallow in case he accidnetally cut his own throat.
A new voice sounded next to Lambert. Ah, Geralt had finally gotten off his a** and gotten reinforcements.
Yennefer had knelt right next to Jaskier, completely unafraid and gently touched his arm. "Julian, come away,"
Aiden *silently confused* Wait, his name's Julian??
Jaskier had blinked and wavered. Yennefer put her hand on his cheek, and turned his face towards her.
Aiden *internally screaming* 'Julek'? F**k me, that's adorable!
Yennefer started playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, "Julek, look at me."
And like magic, the little sh*t went from feral b**tard to baby. The knives flicked out of sight and Jaskier's eyes turned soft again. He'd crawled off Lambert and leaned into the sorceress with a little "yEn..." letting her wipe the blood off his face, and check his bruises.
Ah, F**K! Not the Voice Crack! I should have let him cut my throat because now the witch is going to kill me!
Lambert's injury had definitely required stitches. Yennefer had healed him as best she could, but had mercilessly b*tched at him the whole time for cracking one of Songbird's ribs.
Geralt and Aiden made him promise not to tell Eskel or Coen about the Feral Bard Incident, and they promised to tell Eskel and Coen that Lambert was limping because he had injured himself in a training accident, instead of almost losing his balls to a Bard.
Wait, Geralt, did you f***ing know that he was going to go feral??
"As soon as you threatened Yennefer, Yes." And Geralt pulled off his shirt and showed Lambert the three knife scars on his upper body. "He gave me these by accident. Yen was sick. He was guarding her, and I startled him. "
Lambert looked at Aiden, who nodded. He agreed to keep the secret. And he'd been openly nicer to Jaskier from then on.
He'd learned the hard way not to f**k with the Bard.
