welp

I am Quartz! 29 she/they polysexual nonbinary I'm a huge anxious nerd and reblog things with reckless abandon

[kotortwo]

got fired from being the entertainer at a bachelor party for twisting the groom-to-be's dick into a poodle shape

[json-derulo]

sitting my white ass down and listening

[thickness-protection-program]

Why is this heat so hot 😩

[fagapult]

It’s the heat

[thickness-protection-program]

Source?

[mamoswole]

[thickness-protection-program]

[pepsimansthickjuicymeatyschlong]

[hokkotarumae]

starting a collection

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[json-derulo]

partner: “Hi, could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and carnitas?”

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

Repeat conversation again the next week. And the next. Same guy. If it’s a bit, no one is laughing, including the employee.

[json-derulo]

theories I’ve considered:

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

- the employee is a space alien who views humans as so similar to pigs that for us to eat them is tantamount to cannibalism

[json-derulo]

- the employee is the lead in a kdrama romance about a pampered, clueless chaebol heir who is sent by his father to work in the company’s restaurants for a year in order to prove he’s ready to take over as CEO. he’s dumb as rocks but they can’t fire him or even correct him that harshly due to the power gradient. partner is just a minor reoccurring character, and the interaction is kept the same from week to week to highlight the development of the relationship between the employee and his love interest with the cool earrings (even if the restaurant is literally a fully-branded Chipotle, that’s somehow still not enough product placement for me to believe this is a real kdrama)

[json-derulo]

After reviewing again with partner, evidently I forgot a detail that set this week’s carnitas denial dance apart from the others.

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

- the employee is stoned out of his mind at all times on a specific strain of weed that totally erases the concept of pork from his memory and awareness

[veryberryskye]

yeah i like to give my blessing to the most pathetic looking weak little knight at the tournament. she can’t even look me in the eye when i give her my flower and she stutters out that she’ll do her best or something of the like. i think its funny when she has to cry and beg my forgiveness and i get to say “such a shame, i suppose my hand in marriage will have to go to someone else…” and then i get to hear her whimper like a dog. ive done this like 6 times alrea-

did she just win.

[the-stew-goblin]

I shall prepare a stew for the wedding! Extra salt!

[veryberryskye]

wait wait wait stew goblin wait

[peachdelta]

get ready for the wedding

[finnwolfhards]

this is superior humor

[duke-chainsaw]

I have some to add:

[pyros-random-thoughts]

M O R E

[oh-great-autistic-gay]

I hope you enjoy

[bravelycowering]

[homunculus-argument]

Imagine unexpectedly popping up in Valhalla with your pants around your ankles because just half a minute ago you were taking a shit so bad that the Viking gods decided that it should count as dying in battle.

[lerudan]

Isn't it even worse? You don't just pop up there. You get carried there by a Valkyrie.

You're experiencing a gastrointestinal event, and are really not having a good time, and the suddenly, without any logical way to be present there's a Winged Woman in there with you, in Armor, with Weapons and Helmet, who looks like she could take down Sandor Clegane or Geralt of Rivia in the 10 minutes before waking up, just plugs you from your porcelain throne and doesn't even gives you the chance to pull up your pants before carrying you off.

[homunculus-argument]

Elvis, pantsless, being carried from the mortal realm by a huge gorgeous Brawnhilda valkyrie: oh woah pretty mama where we going

[theterribletenno]

I was just thinking about the old Japanese censorship laws that gave birth to tentacle porn...

So for anyone not in the know, the Japanese government decided to fight perversion with censorship.

Specifically you weren't allowed to draw penises.

So they drew things that WEREN'T penises instead. Like tentacles. Fast forward to today and tentacle porn is an entire standalone genre with thousands upon thousands of examples and enjoyers.

The attempt at censorship did not quell perversion, it only caused it to mutate.

And now I'm thinking about tumblr's decision to ban porn and of all the people leaving captions under videos of heavy machinery and industrial accidents like "I need someone to do this to me" and "this wouldn't fix me but it would help" or "everything reminds me of her"

All this to say that without porn on Tumblr

The perverts are mutating again

[what-even-is-thiss]

I like the idea in fantasy that humans are better at maintaining things long term because they set up societies or professions to do it whereas dwarves and elves and stuff are like “just get bob to do it he’s got a good few hundred years left” and then bob doesn’t teach anyone else how to do it

[what-even-is-thiss]

Elf: How have you kept this castle maintained for a thousand years if your lives are so short?

Human: We just train new people how to do it?

Elf: *gears visibly turning in their head*

Human: Are you alright?

Elf: I just realized that we didn’t have to let that whole city fall to ruin just because my grandfather died.

Human: What?

[what-even-is-thiss]

Human: Wait that’s why there’s ruins of elven cities even though you live for so long? You just keep not asking people how to do things? How do you learn anything?

Elf: There’s a lot of “you’ve got time to figure it out on your own” attitudes floating around in our society that I’m starting to question somewhat.

[unassimilatedsoul]

Elf: That sword, where did you get it?

Human: My cousin made it.

Elf: Impossible! Those metalworking techniques were lost a hundred years ago!

Human: What do you mean lost? My great-grandmother learned to make these swords from an elven smith, then taught it to her kids.

Elf: That's ridiculous. No elf would give such secrets to a human.

Human: They didn't. Meemaw delivered the metal to the forge, and no one kicked her out when she stayed and watched. She always said they barely acknowledged her even when doing business with her, like she wasn't worth noticing.

Elf: Come to think of it, my great-uncle always was rather single-minded when he started working.

Human: So he wasn't ignoring her, he just forgot she was there?

Elf: Oh, he was definitely ignoring her, too. He was super racist.

[meltygetswifi]

not to be a dirty commie or anything but i don't think any one person should have enough money to solve world hunger and then get to decide not to

[thekidsfromyestergay]

Tumblr 2015: omsqueeeeee *ovaries exploding*

Tumblr 2025: OUGHHH MY PENITS EXPLODED

[ashbelero]

On account of the gender transition

[ivy-michaels]

On account of the gender transition

[joshuaballsett]

[babbhad]

[cipheramnesia]

[marseny]

[joasakura]

[foldingfittedsheets]

So imagine you have a job as a maid and you get assigned to this rich girl. Her parents picked you to kind of keep her in line, she definitely has some anger issues but she's also really sweet and silly when she's not being kept down by her shitty family. Like, they keep locking her up whenever she does anything they don't like and you're like, I just work here, but you do feel for her.

Then one day they finally assign her to be part of the family business and she's really stoked until she sees the environmental impact it has and she tries to get her family to stop and honestly you are falling so hard for this woman. She loves nature and animals and neither of you have any idea how to run anything, like, you're literally just a maid, but you're in charge of this whole huge shebang.

You both try to convince her family to cut back on production but it's a no go and they're pissed that they finally gave her responsibility only for her to immediately cause new problems. Once her family says fuck off to her efforts to preserve the environment she's just like, okay, fuck it, and she dons a disguise to fight them off as a mysterious rebel and she says it was your idea and you think you were probably joking when you said it but she's so happy so you're like, yeah, okay, let's like, destroy your family's interest in this site.

So then you're just like rebels together and you finally confess how you feel and she feels the same and you are so happy. There's a ton of horrible war going on but she sees you as more than a decorative maid. She convinces you to help her fake her own death and you really don't want to but you're so stupid for this woman so you do it. Her family are so fucking pissed that they just fucking nuke the site, but even after her family drops a radioactive bomb that distorts and destroys pretty much all the ambient life you guys are kind of happy anyway, at least you have each other.

Only then she meets this absolutely useless beach bum musician, falls head over heels for him and dumps you really abruptly. Then she dies in childbirth to bear this absolute goober's baby that you promised to raise.

And you still love her and miss her and her kid is a lot like her and that hurts pretty much all the time and that's basically why Pearl in Steven Universe is Like That.

[perispinel]

Blue Diamond: Able to remember the fusion that was formed by a Ruby and a Sapphire during an otherwise uneventful court meeting over five thousand years ago

Yellow Diamond: Can’t be bothered to remember a Gem who facetimed her and insulted her to her face like at most a couple months ago

[willgrahamscock]

[theebbestboy]

[a-sentient-cup]

[virtualgirladvance]

[sausaged-rat]

[quartz-crush]

Takes that will get me bullied probably:

I really like Hazbin Guarantee, even more now that I see the context.

I don't really care for Once We Get Up There. It's clunky and meh-to-mid at best.

[luimnigh]

Okay, here's my idea:

The British should put a time limit on the Monarchy.

Not like declaring a republic tomorrow, but deciding on a date in the future that ends the British Monarchy.

And there's a perfect date for it coming up!

October 14th, 2066.

A thousand years since the Battle of Hastings. A thousand years of this one specific bloodline ruling England.

Call time on the Monarchy after exactly one thousand years. Nice, and neat.

Even better: Charles isn't living 44 years. He'll be gone in about twenty. Now William? He's what, 40? Yeah, he can live another 44 years. His great grandmother was over a hundred, his granny was 96, William can make it to 84 barring accident or assassination.

So on October 14th 2066, William the Last steps down a thousand years after William the First won the crown.

Nice, neat, and fair. William gets the crown he's been waiting forty years for already, but ten-year-old George grows up without expectation of it.

Have a nice big abdication ceremony, even.

[lasrina]

Plus, what an absolute baller move to announce your regnal name as William the Last.

[roach-works]

the Final Bill

[labelleizzy]

*wild applause*

🚫👑🚫