Thinking thoughts every day

[roselunde]

I lay my flowers

Not yet wilted, sweet of scent

I can't bury them

[roselunde]

Elon musk needs to be lobotomized

[roselunde]

tw suicidal thoughts

Is anyone else so people-pleasing that they lie to their therapist?

She thinks I'm so mature and everything is going great. And like...yeah...no. It's just, when I see how proud she is of me I can't bring myself to say "Oh, by the way someone was mean to me the other day and I had such a severe mood swing that I had to call a suicide prevention hotline."

She thinks I've got my life together now. The truth is I was just depressed when we met and went through a hypomanic/manic episode for the past few months. I'm awaiting a diagnosis now for bipolar, and when I finally had the courage to bring it up last week she told me she thinks I don't seem like I am mentally ill at all. I know! That's kind of the whole point. And I might even have borderline personality disorder too, though it brings me enough shame already to admit that to myself, so I'm definitely not telling her.

It's not entirely my fault. Every little thing is immediately minimised and explained. "You've been really tired for the past 3 months? That's just a part of growing older!" And meanwhile, I'm not even 20 years old yet. Or: "You don't have any idea what to do with your time because everything feels meaningless? That's your autism." Great, thanks. I thought it was my hay fever! Thank you for the clarification.

Sometimes you just need a new therapist. I realise now I need to preface things by telling them that I have a tendency to lie, and that it takes a while for me to open up. I'm changing to a new one over the next few weeks.

The irony is all of my 6 therapists have told me I should be one myself. I suppose I'm not bad at managing other people's emotions.

[roselunde]

I don't want to contribute to society. I want to climb trees.

[roselunde]

You know when you spot a cute person of the same gender who's definitely gay and you both look at each other like

[roselunde]

Maybe I should shave my eyebrows off so people can't tell when I'm scowling at them.

[roselunde]

Does anyone else have mild psychotic and mood symptoms but not enough to feel valid?

I get paranoid and have unusual perceptual experiences, but not hallucinations. I withdraw from time to time but I'm still sociable. I get restless and sometimes make risky decisions but I always rein myself in. I might sleep for 13 hours and hardly manage the bare minimum for months but I'm still kind of okay. I talk to myself almost all day to keep myself company but only in whispers when no one is listening. I get weird thoughts and think in strange loops and paradoxes for hours straight but I am always aware that it's all nonsense.

Therapists tell me how self-aware I am. Friends consider me the voice of reason. I'm playing a role that doesn't fit my internal reality. And I wish I could just do something crazy to show people I'm not normal.

Of course I won't. I don't mean doing anything dangerous or harmful. For example, I have been open a few times about my bizarre thoughts with my friends. But I don't want people to stop trusting me, or impose their will on me because they think I can't make decisions for myself. So I end up managing on my own, internalising it all, with no one to compare myself to in order to know how normal my experiences even are.

[roselunde]

I will die for any man called Victor

[roselunde]

Why the fuck did Stephanie decide for Jacob to imprint on a literal unborn baby? Is that even paedophilia at this point? MF is a fetusphile. What's next? Embryonic stem cells? The sperm and egg individually? (Does that make him bisexual??) The parents? Grandparents?? The first life on Earth? The Big Bang? God?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

...Jacob

Jacob did.

[roselunde]

Immature world building idea

(Mild NSFW.) What if "it's p*ssing it down" was literal? God controls the weather with his bodily fluids. All of them.

The crops are failing? Yeah, God hasn't taken his yearly dump yet. Why would such a civilisation bother to make their own fertiliser when a mysterious, invisible, omnipresent dude does it for you?

Want to know how human life is created? You probably don't... When winter comes, so does he. At the first "snowfall", the people rejoice. Pollen, at last! If you're wondering why he seems hornier in colder climates, he's just shy. Would you want the sun staring at you as you tend to your private business?

People are migratory for this reason. Each year, the newly-adult flock to the poles, eager to start a family. Most don't stay longer than a few years. After all, living under frequent snowfall carries the inherent risk of unwanted children, so families typically set up back in their home countries. Most people working in the poles are elderly or infertile for this reason, usually employed in the natural resources sector, in shipping, or in preparing and educating its citizens for parenthood, which is funded mutually by the rest of the world in tax.

...This is so dumb. And I'm confused if these are even humans or plant people or what. But I'm invested now. Might make a part 2.

[roselunde]

Thought of the day #3:

My thinking is like fishing on a frozen lake. I can see blurry silhouettes through the ice and know their whole without having to bring them to the surface. No words, pictures, nor sounds need to be used for me to sense the fish below. I just know what they are, like a memory. After all, this is my lake. I put each individual fish into the water with my own hands. When I drill a hole into the ice and reel one of them in, it becomes part of the conscious realm of thought and reason, and it is subject to words, associations and images to describe it. The imaginary becomes the sensory.

[roselunde]

Thought of the day #2:

People don't bring up the subjectivity of an opinion until it offends them. For example, person A: "Rock music is good." Person B: "Ummm, that's subjective." This doesn't really happen. Now replace the word "good" with "bad" and you've seen this interaction plenty of times.

I think it's because our opinions are sort of the "truth", at least on a personal level. So someone disagreeing with us can threaten the validity of our own perspective. That's why we suddenly point out that it is subjective, so that we don't have to assimilate it with our own beliefs. But when someone is in agreement, we're happy to perceive it as the "truth" and even as objective since it causes no disruption to our identity or understanding of the world. People are hypocritical.

[roselunde]

Thought of the day #1:

Humanity is starving and it will eat itself alive.

Living things only exist to pass on their own genes. Altruism and morals help us by reducing hostility between ourselves and others and allowing for trades/deals that are mutually beneficial, which all means we are more likely to pass our genes on.

And then there's the ego. It is my assumption that the ego's job is to encourage us to develop a role within the group, so that each member provides value, in turn helping us survive. A lack of identity and purpose brings immediate discomfort which is then resolved by adopting a religion, philosophy, or otherwise.

We are not built to carry responsibility for all humans on earth, nor to feel empathy for absolutely everybody. Self preservation rules the world. As we build larger and larger civilisations, our brains become even more outdated. Powerful people are not capable of carrying the weight of humanity on their backs. For some, the ego is enough to stop them from being completely selfish (through feeling shame). But for most, they will do whatever is best for themselves and their own, even at the cost of innocent people. So humanity will continue to be fighting with itself. Who knows the eventual outcome. If our technology was advanced enough, I'd prefer computers to govern the world, not people. I should write a book about that.