hello. it me.

i am a slut for vines and adam driver. i bleed coffee and spite. in this you will find shitpost meme and sometimes writing.

[systemic-dreams]

[anxietyproblem]

This is reminder to check up on your own mental health.

[amannamedwinter]

OK thanks

[real-uwu-hours]

[nuggsmum]

The laugh that just erupted from me was ungodly.

[bandtshirt]

do y’all remember before direct messages tumblr had a dumbass ask limit of 10 per hour and communication was impossible until they introduced dumbass fan mail and we were basically sending telegraphs back in forth trying to communicate those were…dark times

Do y'all remember when they finally gave us direct messages and instead of doing it normally, they gave it to a few people at a time and we had to infect each other with it like a virus

[piedude]

[abandonrun]

remember when any post with more than like 6 people talking was unreadably smushed except for the last few additions remember when any post of over 500 characters became a link back to op’s blog readmore style remember when video and audio posts had about a 10% chance of working when you click play

[curseofsisyphus]

As a recent user I love finding out shit like this from older users. What the fuck guys???? Why were you USING IT AT ALL?!??

[dono-harm-totonystark]

believe it or not, we liked that more

[thefloralpeach]

its worth noting that immediately after these updates that made everything better, we were all angry about it

[ooppo]

Trump is dead this and Trump is dead that. The obvious answer for Trump's sudden disappearance is that Trump has gone into his very first heat and the Whitehouse is trying to cover up that he's an Omega

[parakeet]

[shredsandpatches]

what a terrible day to be literate

[bakwaaas]

real

[linecoveredinjellyfish]

i am some sort of fey creature and my cat is the human who i have arbitrarily decided is my favorite human.

[linecoveredinjellyfish]

i live, to him, an unfathomably long life

i have access to powers and locations that he cannot access independently; he needs my help to navigate the world i've brought him to

i simply found him outside and abducted him one day

there are many cats in the world, but this one is the best and my most favorite. why? because he was available to abduct that morning and for very little other reason.

i have a much greater understanding of this world than him, but he has unshakable confidence in his ability to figure it out and i find that really cute

the power dynamic is fundamentally unbalanced, but i let him have a little audacity. a little combativeness and sass. as a treat.

some humans are needlessly cruel to cats or take them in for a short time before neglecting or abandoning them. but i have chosen to love and guard this one with my life. because i think he's neat.

he is very well-treated and has pretty much everything he could possibly want or need, but he is my prisoner.

[kedreeva]

You feed him food found nowhere in nature, but that tastes reminiscent of things he could eat- birds and mammals.

You could give him divine treats at any time that taste so much better than food it might drive him a little mad wanting more. You do not give them to him on any schedule he can discern.

You can lay a dry powder on the ground which causes him to lose his mind a little and behave differently for a short time should he inhale any of it. Sometimes this is inside of his entertainment for the day, and he becomes your entertainment.

You create illusions on flat surfaces that look like prey or other things, illusions that move and sound like they are real and yet when he touches them he finds only cold, flat walls.

You give him prey he cannot eat, prey that are bright colors and make strange sounds and may look nothing like real prey and yet he is enticed to chase and kill, especially the small, uncatchable red dot.

You sleep in a nest of impossibly soft material, and allow him to share this space to sleep beside you, and even to sleep there when you are gone.

Sometimes you disappear and he can find no way to follow or escape in your absence. You create and destroy openings in solid walls at your convenience.

You speak a language he cannot understand, and sometimes you say garbled words in the language of his children, and so he speaks back to you like a mother does a child in the hopes you will understand him and sometimes you seem to.

[moveslikekeithrichards]

got cornflakes for fried chicken & the back of the box has its own recipe. easy as pie. "rinse chicken tenders with cold water and coat with crushed kelloggs corn flakes cereal." and then cook. no binding agent. no seasoning. nothing but a pile of flavorless chicken with a side of the extra-dried-out cornflakes that fell off it. serve warm with your favorite dipping sauce. doesnt even say serve hot. Serve Warm. wouldnt wanna get too wild with it. truly this is the spirit of cornflakes

[memento-mariii]

[chilewithcarnage]

Y'all notice they don't make ocean spray commercials anymore. Ain't seen those two white men in the cranberry pit in a long time. The bog spiders musta got them.

[daneelsolivaw]

they should make a followup commercial where the bog spiders are selling the juice

[angelicguy]

me and the boys have a couple of chains wrapped around the sword in the stone hooked up to mikes toyota tundra gonna pull that fucker out like a tooth.

[seaweed-station]

Me and the boys misunderstood the arcane nature of the stone and now the Toyota is king of England

[wingdingle]

[c-130jsuperhercules]

[wizzardhat]

[alphacrone]

when you drink all the wine in the house and then you have. :( no wine in the house

[podcastwizard]

me when i excuse myself during a dinner party to sneak outside and milk more cabernet sauvignon from the Creature

[podcastwizard]

had food poisoning when i posted this

[martinkhall]

Well if you'd pasteurized the Cabernet Sauvignon you milked from the creature maybe you wouldn't have gotten food poisoning from it.

[podcastwizard]

oh suddenly everyone's an expert on the Creature i milk

[tony-the-tigers-juicy-armpit]

If my first name was WingDing I’d do all that shit too

[seven-oh-four]

this is your captain speaking. do you guys remember 9/11 [escalating clamor of passengers freaking out] woah woah hey hey i was just curious. christ. am i not allowed to make conversation

[johnnyjoestarrelatable]

i think it's fucked up that there are plants that decided they wanted to eat meat

[johnnyjoestarrelatable]

a plant's job is literally to just exist but the venus flytrap chose violence

[johnnyjoestarrelatable]

what if i gently laid an uncooked steak on the soil for it to absorb

[iridescentjaq]

my tree biology teacher fed her calcium-deficient tree a whole-ass bbq rib bone - she stuck it in the ground near the base of the tree (after eating the meat off of it), and when she came back to collect it to show the tree biology class it was GONE

the tree had grown a root up through the center of it & out through the sides

also there’s an old story about a man who was buried beneath a tree, and when they went to exhume the body it had been completely absorbed by the tree’s roots- you could see the shape of the body in the way the roots grew, splitting up for clearly defined arms and legs. trees will absolutely eat a steak if you bury it & they need the nutrients.

[johnnyjoestarrelatable]

that’s horrifying! thank you

[headspace-hotel]

I mean yeah? Bone meal and blood meal are common fertilizers for plants.

And plants' roots actively forage, seeking out the areas of the most nutrients as they grow, so it makes sense

"What are corpses on the ground but uncooked steaks for some tree" is my new favorite quote

[malfiora]

The trees deny themselves nothing that makes them grow / No rain fall, no sunshine, / No blood upon the snow

indeed.

[vamptits]

they want you to make fried rice

[memser]

who is "they"

[vamptits]

the wok left

[solongandthanksforallthefish42]

how am I supposed to make fried rice if the wok left

[6qubed]

skillet issue

[important-animal-images]

[fwizard]

oh… HIM boba…

[paxamericana]

[official-kircheis]

As per my last clay tablet,

[lurking-latinist]

CCing Ibbi-Ilabrat on this one just to make sure we’re all on the same page!

[sudorm-rfslash]

This consultation with my viziers could have been a clay tablet