Alfred raised Bruce and we all know the iconic line of ‘I diapered your bottom, sir’ has probably been whipped out once or twice but I imagine that Alfred uses what he knows about Bruce’s childhood as a weapon. Not in a damaging or hurtful way. Usually in defence of his grandbabies.
Cass and Steph are going out one night and get ready at the Manor, Bruce sees their outfits and he's like, 'is there a cardigan or a coat you can wear over that?'. It isn't that he is shaming them but Bruce knows what the Gotham club scene is like. Alfred just lifts a brow and reminds Bruce that when he was that age he never wore a shirt longer than his waist because 'it was the fashion, you said, sir' and Bruce grumbles but he hasn't a leg to stand on.
Bruce is telling Tim off for sneaking out to meet Kon or Bernard though he was grounded when Alfred, dusting a nearby lamp, asks Bruce whether he should replace the ivy. Because, surely Bruce remembers the hassle of replacing the ivy after he himself fell off of it, sneaking out of the house for Oliver Queen's 17th birthday bash though he himself was explicitly grounded?
Bruce lecturing Dick about missed classes or dropping out of college and Alfred just sighs in the background, touching the space on the wall next to Thomas Wayne’s doctorate where Bruce's would have hung if he bothered to stay in med school.
Bruce having a meltdown when Damian gets an earring (his brothers took him), ranting and raving only for Alfred to disrupt the argument by casually laying down polaroids of teenage Bruce and the diamond stud earring he got at fifteen.
Bruce fighting with Jason over something that happened on patrol only for Jason to slam his door and yell ‘I hate you’ or ‘you aren’t my dad’ and Bruce turning to Alfred, hurt and looking for sympathy is met with a cool neutral look and a shrug. ‘It will pass’ because if Alfred had a dollar for every time Bruce said the exact same thing… well, he would be rich as a Wayne.
However, of course, Alfred is equally as annoyed at the kids for their shenanigans as Bruce is, maybe even more, but those are still his grandchildren and he knows that his disappointment or the threat of it is enough punishment for the kids.
sometimes i think about how funny it would be if bruce had a slight english accent as a result of alfred being the only adult in his life for most of his formative years. that or he just says british slang instead of english.
this either drives his children insane, or they think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.
__________________________
Bruce: Can you pass the chips?
Dick: Sure, B. *passes over the potato chips*
Bruce: No, the chips.
Dick: ???? … yeah? here?
Bruce: NO! THE CHIPS! *gesturing wildly for the french fries*
Damian: Father, are you having a stroke?
———
Batman: Alright, this mission is very important. It is imperative that everything goes to schedule. (shh-edule)
*red robin and red hood snicker*
Batman: *glare* As I was saying, it all must go to shh-edule…
RR & RH : *uproariously laughter *
Batman: *harsher glare* Is something funny?
RR: Oh nothing, B, don’t worry.
RH: Absolutely nothing wrong, “left-tenant”
RR & RH: *dying of laughter *
———
Bruce: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??
Duke: … You sound like Alfred…
Bruce: *horrified look over coming him* … what
Cass: *furious nodding*
*Some time later, after B has been fished out of Gotham Harbor, which he jumped into after declaring that he “couldn’t turn into his father”*
Alfred: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??
Bruce: *white as a sheet* … Sorry Alfie…
*Steph is heard furiously cackling in the background*
Do I like the idea of him not being a good father to Bruce? Yes because I love my baby Bruce being in pain.
Imagine one of the kids makes an off hand remark about how Bruce was lucky that he had Alfred as a father figure.
And bruce just bluescreens, because what do they mean?
The Alfred who sent him to Arkham because of his grief? The Alfred who didn't care that he left? The Alfred who constantly forgot a poor traumatized boy. Because to him that boy was a job not a son.
I want a barney stinson, Eleanor shellstrop crash out.
Of was i not good enough for change, im glad you love my children but was i not worthy of your love.
Imagine he gets deaged and the kids assume okay we can namedrop Alfred. And their young father just laughs in their face.
Like why would I go with that man? The one who told me tough luck when I was assaulted at a gala. Who only cooks and cleans and doesn't treat me with the love i had before my parents died. Some days he thinks Alfred blames him for the death of his parents.
But why would he care about what the deadbeat father would say.
It all culminates with Bruce with his head on Alfreds shoulder, Alfred apologizing,and bruce asking why he has to go back. Why he can't just stay here where he feels loved.
And then just blew, adult Bruce is there and breaks.
I headcanon that each member of the Batfam has an "entrance theme" that plays as soon as they set foot in the Batcave, à la the WWE. The songs are always oldies, and are selected by Babs, who does not accept suggestions or objections. Anyone who complains or tries to alter the official theme (theirs or someone else's), either by appealing to her to change it (Bruce Thomas Wayne) or by "surreptitious technical means" (Timothy Jackson Drake), is assigned "The Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" for a month.
The Individual Batfam Members's Official Entrance Themes:
“That’s my emotional support entity of questionable moral standing.”
Batman stared down the two teens standing before him. The boy was pointedly looking anywhere but the Bat’s face, finding more interest in the dirt and gravel crunching under his shoes. Meanwhile, the girl stood with her arms crossed, head held high, meeting Batman’s gaze with a defiant glare that wouldn’t be out of place on any of his own children’s faces.
Behind them lay the smoking remains of what was once a warehouse that had been used as a front for a weapons smuggling operation that the bats had collectively spent the past few weeks investigating. Although their investigation had taken longer than anticipated thanks to this group’s rather impressive security, they had been so close to a breakthrough…when the place had gone up in an inferno.
When the Gotham vigilantes had first arrived on the scene the fire had been so intense that they’d had to put in their gas masks to avoid any inhaling any of the thick black smoke from not only the fire, but also whatever chemicals may have potentially been within the building that would have been released into the air.
Batman’s initial hypothesis had been that the group had become aware of their investigation and burned the place to avoid any evidence being discovered while they moved locations. However, that theory had been shelved when Red Hood had announced the presence of charred bodies amongst the rubble, and evidence of explosives having been used in multiple area where the building’s structure had been the weakest. Whoever had been inside had not had any warning of the blaze that had swallowed the building too fast for them to get to safety, and with the structure being compromised from the explosions all exists had been blocked, preventing the inhabitant’s escape. Red Hood and Nightwing had been discussing potential suspects as Batman and Red Robin searched for any evidence that could have survived the destruction, when a clattering sound followed by the sound of voices hushing each other had altered all of the on scene bats to the presence of possibly several unknowns.
The two teens had been apprehended quickly and ushered to the side, far enough away from the scene of the fire to avoid them overhearing details of the investigation and to prevent any potential tampering. Accidental or otherwise. The teens had been stubborn in their refusal to answer any of the bat’s questions to their presence. Nobody knew why they were there, where they had come from, and they had even refused to disclose their names. Oracle, unfortunately, was sick with the flu and had been gently ordered to rest by Agent A. Batman was nevertheless confident that they would be able to discover their identities quickly either once they had returned to the cave or if they could get the kids to talk.
He would have asked Red Hood to speak with the teens, he was the best with kids. And if caught up in anything illegal they often seemed to respond better to him due to his more ambiguous morals and reputation for ensuring kid’s safety. Both from rouges and in some cases, the rest of the bats and birds. But he had been needed in Crime Ally after he had been alerted to a gunfight breaking out between two gangs who had been more hostile and antagonistic in recent months. Nightwing had accompanied him, and Spoiler had diverted from her patrol route to assist. That left Batman and Red Robin behind to deal with both the police and the frustratingly stubborn teens.
Batman resisted the urge to punch the bridge of his nose as yet another question was blatantly ignored by both kids. The boy had begun fiddling with the sleeved of his letterman jacket and the girl had taken to checking her manicured nails for any dirt or imperfections.
Just as he was about to turn the questioning over to one of the on scene police officers, a writhing mass of shadow had emerged from the girl’s shadow. Two tendrils of black smoke reached out to wrap themselves around the wrists and hands of both teens, who had in turn glanced down at their hands and smiled.
“We’re fine,” the boy had muttered quietly, “no need to worry.”
“What is that?” Batman asked, eyeing the mass with a cautious suspicion. He wanted to believe it wasn’t hostile given the kids reactions to it. But this was Gotham.
The girl shot him another glare, one hand on her hip while the other remained in the hold of whatever the shadowy mass was.
“That sir,” she spat out the first word with such venom to her tone that Batman almost flinched, “is our emotional support entity of questionable moral standing.”
