#arquaticrants

[arquaticdreamer]

Istg if I hear one more parent or person online calling the parents/caregivers of their autistic child angels or literal angels from heaven I'm gonna scream! Yes there are moments where my caregiver looks visibly exhausted. But it doenst help knowing our landlady telling my caregiver "omg God bless you i couldn't do the work you do" like damn I'm just trying to live my life. I get it I'm annoying when I have screaming meltdowns but I'm also annoyed by them as well for having them having full blown screaming meltdowns is exhausting for the person having it too not just the caregiver/parent. Parents and caregivers for doing the basic bare minimum and sticking with their kids caring for them full time are still not angels from heaven. I hate the idea of someone telling my caregiver out in public "Oh god bless you" and other bulls**t like even as someone who believes in God i wouldn't do that to another disabled family

[arquaticdreamer]

Ambiguous emotional rant:

Being nonspeaking/nonverbal, HSN and homebound anyone with high support needs and complex needs knows just how much autonomous and liberating the internet has to be for those of us who have no other safe place to be our true unapologetic, unadulterated, and authentic weird selves. I am very grateful and appreciative for the internet’s existence that it was ever even created/invented by mankind and that we have the freedom of speech to post (hopefully not all Nonspeakers, AAC users, or HSN disabled people have the freedom of speech to post what they like on the internet sadly) but for those who have good supportive caregivers, and those who have learned how to successfully, and safely access the internet World Wide Web, this is my toast to all of you who have found some semblance of human rights, freedom of speech, creative freedom and expression through your own words, I’m all so happy to be born in the right time in human history to have lived to see this day where hundreds of thousands of autistics, LSN, MSN, HSN, those verbal, semi verbal, minimally verbal, and nonverbal/nonspeaking have a place (so sorry for those who have not found it yet, or might not ever), to post what they like, to the best of their ability. I’m just so very grateful to have made a digital footprint on internet history. I pray we can make the internet a safer more inclusive and accessible accepting environment. Those of us who will most likely never be seen or known for who we truly are online than they see us in real life. Just know that you’re welcome here with me.

Julian & Damian

[arquaticdreamer]

Almost 5 years now since nonverbal/nonspeaking…and its gotten to the point where my internal monologue and thoughts are so loud in my head that it almost tricks me into thinking I’ve just spoken for the first time in years so I dart my eyes over to my caregiver only to realize its painfully obvious she didn’t even hear or turn around to see that I had spoken since it was all in my head…hyperphantasia has insanely amplified the internal voice in my own head that my thoughts are almost indistinguishable from me physically audibly hearing it. The thing is…I hear my internal voice as my Scott teenage AAC voice on Proloquo2Go.

TLDR: please please people stop saying you wish you were actually nonverbal…you don’t you really don’t…if you like hearing the butter soft sound of your voice out loud you will miss it. I guarantee it.

Sincerely, and actually fully nonverbal autistic

[arquaticdreamer]

Arquatic Jules here:

Arquatic rants: TW: ableism

This new guy who came in for physical therapy check up hust stood there asking my caregiver "How can I help YOU today" as I'm laying on my bed motionless due to a severe autistic catatonia episode from a shutdown unable to use my AAC and he has the gall to put HIS bag on MY chair which also belongs to MY ESA service cat and then tries to shoot MY service cat away from his bag. The other service cat hissed at him so thankfully I was able to use my letter board while my caregiver propped up my hand and told her to get him out of my room cause my service animals feel they have to protect me from this dude. Just such bull shit and we got denied a second time for my motorized whelechair. Saying he understands completely WHEN YOU CLEARLY DO NOT IF YOU'RE TALKING TO MY CAREGIVER AND NOT ASKING ME "how can I help you". Being higher to complex support needs is very much like this like HE assumes my caregiver is burdened by ME. She didnt like him either so we're gonna try to get the first guy back since both my cats warmed up to him quickly.

[arquaticdreamer]

Arquatic Paul here: TW vent mention of feral child syndrome and severe child neglect and isolation childhood trauma

Finding out very recently that our system grew up as a feral child with clinical lycanthropy is so hard for us. Our alters and even some age sliders (myself included) and lots of littles have regressed or pet regressed involuntarily we often black out or go into severe dissociative trances and the next minute we find out we've destroyed half the living room furniture thankfully our caregiver live in aid understands our complex trauma and how we were raised (or lack thereof) since once we were able to come out of it some other alters explained calmly that we were more or less raised by our pet dogs after being left out for hours on end to days in the backyard and yeah its really a lot on our shoulders. Being raised by dogs and I think one time our captors (the family) even adopted a half wolf half dog that more or less took to us our system since we were very young still so we never managed to snap out of our involuntary pet regression. It sucks so bad and it hurts that we cannot control this part of our programming but idk man...it just sucks but being a dog owned by three cats as my emotional support animals they really understand me and they sense I have lycanthropy and that in a way have raised me as much as we've raised them. My cats aren't my pets I dont feel comfortable calling myself a pet owner since I once was a pet myself my cats are my pack I am their family members in their pack and our system was raised by dogs/wolf and my cats are my family. My brothers and sisters. I'm sorry if this is very triggering I know this blog is mostly supposed to be a safe space for our littles but we already have so many other Tumblr accounts. This is also our autistic advocacy blog too for our autistic experiences.

[arquaticdreamer]

TW negl//t/emo ab/se:

Currently dealing with caregiver neglect abd emotional abuse with high unprideicatbilty from caregiver

[arquaticdreamer]

TW: poverty; food insecure

Damian hates living in poverty so bloody much...hate living with not enough food, and running out of money for food. Unable to afford a full fridge.

[arquaticdreamer]

Paul here: TW emotional rant regarding Divorce, familial Estrangement, and Ab/se, some caps and cussing

To know that you as an abuse survivor and child of divorce feel utterly helpless to the fear of becoming the very thing that made you who you are today. Especially as a HSN disabled dependant. It's just banging around in my head like all cylinders...the family still wants contact with the host I just....fuck...I just want them to leave me and the system alone....like damn! Let me fucking life out the rest of my life already!! FUCKKK!!!!!! JUST LET ME BE!!!!