"You are a strong, resilient, young woman."
-Joy Angel

pixel skylines
dirt enthusiast
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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Stranger Things

Kaledo Art
Mike Driver
trying on a metaphor
tumblr dot com
Today's Document

oozey mess
we're not kids anymore.

#extradirty

Love Begins
Cosimo Galluzzi

JVL

if i look back, i am lost
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@thosewordsthoseframes
"You are a strong, resilient, young woman."
-Joy Angel
Therapist on Going Home for the Holidays
“If you are feeling so bad that you don’t know if you can trust yourself to not end up staying with abusive family, or making choices that are not in the best interest of your safety, I would recommend not going “home”. I hope you are able to evaluate that honestly for yourself.”
-My therapist today
"You matter to me, so you need to take care of you."
- Joy Angel
"If they say anything about what you're doing or your food, just be like, "No man!" They can choose their own poison but it doesn't have to be yours."
- Joy Angel
"Your death would be a burden to me, your life is not."
- Joy Angel
Mom, you live on through me.
Mom, I remember the kind quotes you told me.
Now I will show your generativity and share them, since you cannot anymore.
My heart is forever broken, but from it’s cracks I will spread the love you gave me out to rest of the world.
I will use this depth of agony from losing you to create a better world, in your essence.
You didn’t die in vein, you live on through me.
*Happy* “Pride Month” from the Psych Ward
WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE PLACE OF RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS!
...To the psych ward
Here we will accept you for who you are! We will never dead name you. We will use all of your actual pronouns, no matter your gender expression!
Here at the psych ward, we are inclusive of all races, genders and sexualities.
We are your refuge!!!
If ever something is wrong or you feel as though you’ve been wronged based on your identity, just fill out of matter of record and we will address the matter in a quick, professional and appropriate way. We take our matter of records very seriously by glancing at them and then throwing them in the trash because the cisgender and heterosexual, or normal person, just simply didn’t know better. Why should we address that or try to educate the normal person? The normal person's feelings and words are always valid.
We definitely acknowledge and are well educated on different gender identities and sexualities. The terms asexual and non-binary mean the same thing... right?
Asexuals are unhealthy in that they won’t have sex. Having sex is a natural, healthy and necessary part of life in order for your treatment to progress here.
We announced and clapped that pride month started yesterday!! Then we continued to give an award for the non-binary for being the client of the month. This incredible feat is such a step forward in how progressive we are. We even used her pronouns and said “She did an amazing job moving forward in her recovery. She should be proud of herself for all the hard work she has done”. We were so considerate in using her pronouns of she/her, even though she’s said multiple times that her pronouns are they/them.
Another thing we take into great consideration is the well being of transgenders. It will be ensured that you will be isolated by everyone in the community, since no one wants to live with a tranny. To enforce this, we ask every client who needs a bed, “Would you be OK living with a transgender?”
WELCOME, WELCOME!
To your own personal refuge.
Self-talk Narrative
I am worthy.
I am unworthy.
I have the autonomy to CHOOSE which narrative I move toward.
She’s Gone Forever
Her laugh
Her kindness
Her beauty
Her wisdom
All of these I will never see again
I can imagine her being but it’s fading away
I don’t want to forget her smile
I need to hug her again
Normal
How do I maintain normalcy?
Through my clothes...
Baggy shirts that cover my gigantic stomach
Long sleeves to cover the endless lines of scars
Pants so that no one has to see my stretch marked thighs
I hide myself through my clothes, this way no one has to be pained by the reality of my body
Stuck
I’m stuck in this disgusting body, I wish I was not
When I stare into the mirror I see back someone who is not actually me
My soul is not my body
The world only can interpret me through my apperance, how is that fair when I am so much more than that?
Relationships with PTSD
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing
It feels like someone is pointing a gun at my head, shouting at me to drive when I’ve never driven a day I’m my life
I’m immensely confused and I feel pressure to do something that I don’t know what it means
Having a romantic relationship when you have PTSD related to sexual trauma is what I’m discussing
The issue is that I’ve never actually experienced a loving relationship with someone in regards to sex
When a person I’m attracted to asks me any questions, I don’t know if what they’re asking is going too far and what isn’t because I’ve only experienced the worst
My brain lies to me and makes it impossible to build trust with a man, I think that they’re bound to hurt me
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know the difference between right and wrong in relationships, I wouldn’t even recognize if I was being used
This is incredibly overwhelming, I wish I knew what I was doing
Realization
Just because you feel bad, doesn’t mean that you are bad. I’ve noticed that I internalize bodily sensations and use that to apply meaning to myself. I need to show up for myself and take care of myself, even though I’ve never known how to do that before.
Reality Check
Reminder: You are not your mental illness, what you look like or your past experiences. You are your soul and who you choose to become. Don’t allow traumas, mental illnesses or appearances blind you from being who you truly are and who you aspire to be.
Reality?
I’m sitting here, alone, typing
I’m breathing, at least I think I am
I can’t seem to recognize what is me or what is just this meat sack that this concept of “me” is stuck in
It’s like I’m in the backseat and I don’t know who’s driving
Deafening Suicidal Thoughts
Are these the times I’ll wish for, when I’m laying in a hospital bed or will it have worked and I’ll be dead?
I don’t know if I should keep trying.
Is my brain lying or is reality truly this bad?
If I take take the pills will I soon after realize that I want to live?
I want to buckle down and persevere but it’s so exhausting, I don’t have the energy to.
Should I stay or should I go?
Raw
The ripping of flesh
as the stainless steel edge caresses my begging skin
I don’t even care that the liquid crimson seeps out immensely to the point it makes a puddle
Its raw metallic scent fills the air
The way my blood vividly glistens is captivating and grounding
My brain is on a high that’s difficult to explain
Though it seems beautiful, it contains exceptional pain