When is it too late for anything?
I feel discomfort, anxiety, worry, desperation, hopelessness, fear - I lose connection to the part of me that knows I will survive whatever comes. I get stuck in the loop of not enough, feeling slowed down and restricted in the muck of time.
Right now I am worried about where certain resources will come from in time to help me complete what I started. I have many different intentions right now, the main one being to get through what I currently believe to be the biggest difficulty I have had in a while. Funny enough though, what makes this difficulty feel like the biggest one is just the fact that I thought that, before I lost everything I was working towards, I was finally getting out of all of the money issues I’ve been having since I left home.
After my bio dad remarried, he took my grandmother in when she developed Alzheimer's, and solicited our unpaid assistance in taking care of her. He also depended on his new wife to do the same, while he taught at school. So when I graduated, I saw to getting the first opportunity to leave as soon as possible. I didn’t realize how little experience I had with managing money or resources, but figured it wouldn’t be a problem.
I was, however, told to avoid credit cards and loans, so I did. I worked on and off, sometimes part time, sometimes full time, going to school at a community college and not taking any loans. My parents made too much to qualify me for student aid, so I had to save up chunks at a time, I never got the hang of it though, so I eventually gave up and starting working full time, spending my weekends at parties, eventually playing music at open mics, even getting gigs at special events and venues occasionally.
But I was always cycling through periods of plenty and little. Even the last year, when I was making more than I ever thought I would, rent and cost of living were so high that I could never create a buffer long enough to save any money, so me and my partner went through the same cycles, worrying about when money would come through at the last minute, having to push bills back, make late fee payments, sign up for payment plans, etc.
What I still have difficulty with is why the eleventh hour is so painful for me. Do I have trauma with this? It always just...consumes my entire day, worrying about when this will come, when that will come, when I will be able to relax again. Cortisol sucks. Depression sucks. PTSD sucks. Mind you, I might only have little ‘t’ trauma, at least at the moment since I can’t remember any big ‘T’ trauma and I have no reasons to believe that I have repressed it.
This feeling of stuckness, of despair, of what ifs and only ifs, it’s what paralyzed me for hours. I can’t enjoy a morning of rain, or a walk to a park. When I walk, I constantly have to slow my pace, because I get caught up trying to get somewhere faster. My whole day becomes a race to finish everything as soon as possible, to be efficient, to not waste time or allow others to waste mine. I get irritable, short tempered, and disconnected with my experience. I become the robot, and I shut off all the happy feeling floors and rooms in my building, worried that feeling good will bring the “wrath of the gods”, angry that I was enjoying myself while being punished. But being punished? for what? And since when am I being punished for making a mistake?
This is where it sneaks in. Guilt. Shame. I jump straight from, “I’m in a situation that I feel uncomfortable in,” to “I’m uncomfortable because I screwed up and it’s all my fault and I’m such a crappy person I couldn’t possibly deserve to enjoy myself until it’s fixed completely.” Who taught me this one? This doesn’t even make sense. And yes, it doesn’t make sense, in this context, but it does in the context of being punished by someone with anger and control issues. I.e., my bio dad! Hooray!
So today, if you feel you share my experiences, let’s remember a few things.
First - People make mistakes. Even people who are really successful and practiced in a particular skill make mistakes. They have on days and off days, they get tired or overexcited and make a mistake. Making mistakes is part of the human learning process and it’s something we have to use to better ourselves. Yes, it's humbling to know that we’re not perfect, and yes, it can sometimes happen often enough to bring up feelings of inadequacy, feeling underprepared, or even ill-suited to a skill set. But there are always ways through negative experiences that can provide the necessary lesson. Ask anyone you know that is successful at what they do, they can tell you how many mistakes they’ve made, but that they knew that it was something they loved and that pushing through the pain or disappointment of mistakes was worth it.
Second - If anyone who tries to convince you that your mistakes make you a bad person, stupid, unworthy of any affection/love, unworthy of any self care or peace, etc., you can quietly tell them to GO TO HELL. Anyone who believes that about themselves should be sweetly and lovingly told that those thoughts can GO TO HELL. Everyone is worthy of unconditional love and self care. If you have those thoughts about yourself, please, please give yourself infinite chances to make it up to yourself, and please tell yourself that you have survived thus far and will continue to if you are given the opportunity to try again and again and again. This is what life is about, isn’t it?
Third - Feeling shame or guilt for a mistake or for even the most unintentional of consequences keeps us from being open to what comes next. Allow yourself to regain calm and peace in your heart, mind, and spirit. Find a way to be okay with who you are right now, because there is no way for you to become anyone else. If the only way you know how to get there is by wrapping yourself with three comforters and eating a gallon of ice cream, don’t let anyone stop you. Help yourself feel good enough to consider how things might improve once you allow yourself to enjoy your senses and get into a light and positive mood despite your circumstances.
Open yourself to more possibilities! Despite the risks! Do you want to live afraid of every opportunity? Because every opportunity carries a risk and a reward.
Think about the truly infinite possibilities of each of your actions - there is no way of knowing, or even estimating from any point in time, which actions will produce negative consequences, ESPECIALLY If you believe that everything is a lesson to move through. How could you really decide if something is a “good” choice for you to make? You can only try it on for size, and see how it fits you.