Omg this thing with the jars made me want to cry on her behalfš Someone noted a comment that said āYou made a great number of assumptions, but the worst of all was that your perceptions and your aesthetics were superior to hers, the second close runner to the first was that you could, without discussing it, throw away something of hers. You never even tried to understand.ā I SO feel those feels.
I have highly specific, unique aesthetic and sensory preferences/needs for cups, bottles, bowls, utensils, and many other items, because of autism/sensory issues (and also because the weight, shape, or texture of certain items can be very important for me, due to my EDS). When I find something that works or that I really like - for those types of things, clothes, pillows or stuffies that make it more comfortable to sleep with my chronic pain, etc. - I tend to get several of them. Iām VERY picky, because I have excellent self-awareness when it comes to what I like and need, and I also like the comfort of having a ābackupā if a favorite, frequently used/needed item breaks. Itās only for items that are important to me, though. Aside from that, there are a small handful of things that I collect...but I hate clutter, so I only collect things that I truly take a special interest in.
In either case, Iād be CRUSHED if someone decided to destroy those items. Doing something like this is just so cruelš¢ Itās not noted here if the gf in the situation is neurodiverse, but I still TOTES understand that feeling. Itās both irritating and frustrating to have others make decisions for you, because they have a different opinion about YOUR life, which they think is somehow implicitly superior.
As a side note, this type of behavior is a major red flag, as many have said. People that do things like this will often do it 100% on purpose, to truly hurt someone. They then oversimplify the situation and play innocent, to make it seem like what they did either āwasnāt a big deal,ā or that they didnāt KNOW it was at the time - when they knew full well just how important the destroyed/disposed of items were, from the start.
This is all actually a perfect example of some MAJOR gaslighting/controlling behavior in action. If someone treats you this way, RUN as soon as possible (or start working on a safe contingency plan to get away, as things arenāt always as simple as the super victim-blaming POV of āwell itās your fault, since you donāt ājustā leaveāš). In the meantime, donāt give the perpetrator ANY further info about items/feelings that are important to you...as they will only use this knowledge to hurt you (often while framing it as a āmistake,ā or to pick a fight).
Side note, I get the feeling that this guy might have posted this question JUST to show the gf. Firstly, it gives him a chance of later saying āoh, I TOTALLY didnāt realize how important these were to you until I made the post,ā - with either an implicit or explicit message that they ācared enough to MAKE the post in the first place.ā This allows the perpetrator to try to frame it as if they really DO care - but in actuality, they just want to get their target/mark to truly trust them again, before they can best pull the carpet out from under them again. (BTW, a key reason for feeling like this was typed just to show the GF is the fact that he took the time to type out that whole write up, but didnāt take the MUCH shorter amount of time to just have a DISCUSSION about the jars, before tossing them...? Yeah, that just doesnāt make sense/ring true to me.)
A second reason that someone like this would make a post like this with the purpose of showing the GF is to show that they think of her as āchubby,ā AND said so publicly...all while avoiding actually saying the words in a conversation. If this is something the GF is sensitive about, I could absolutely see this being used to either hurt her, pick a fight, and/or distract her from the main issue (āyouāre being too sensitive,ā āthis was about the jars,ā āwell, you COULD stand to lose some weight, I just didnāt want to say so to you directly,ā etc.). This would be a classic play from a passive-aggressive, gaslighting manipulatorās handbook.
For those that are not familiar with the behavior of those that are deeply manipulative, Iām (sadly) not exaggerating. Iām also not someone thatās paranoid, or that has a āvictim sensibility,ā (or anything else that someone downplaying this type of behavior would say in an ad hominem attack). If youāre experiencing this type of behavior, or know someone that is, PLEASE look into the ādark triad.ā Some people truly ARE this manipulative, and knowing that they have the power to hurt & manipulate someone is what they get off on - especially if it helps them to isolate, demoralize, and control someone that theyāre using (financially, for housing, for narcissistic supply, etc).
I wish I knew what happened with this situation...I really hope that the gf was able to extricate herself from this situation. But hopefully at least one person happened to read this, long as it is. Many people (especially the neurodivergent, and/or disabled) are victimized by people that have ādark triadā traits. This can be due to many of us having a good, forgiving nature; being open-minded about accepting peopleās excuses/reasoning for certain situations; or because people (especially online) will seek out hashtags relating to autism, neurodiversity, disabilities, chronic illness, etc, assuming that we have poor self-esteem (since society so often devalues us), which makes us good targets for such manipulation. While the story itself doesnāt identify if the GF was part of one of these communities, Iāve seen this play out SUPER frequently, and wanted to warn those that may not be aware (this is a case where itās much better than learning from experience!).
Be careful out there, everyone - abled and disabled, autistic and allistic alike...NO ONE deserves this type of treatment! But many are unaware of how manipulative some people can be, how gaslighting works/starts, or how people may be willing to play the long game, as long as theyāre getting their own needs met. Make sure to listen to your instincts when you see/sense red flags like thisā¤ļø
(Also, a few notes...I know itās already long, but:
- just because this was a male perpetrator in a romantic hetero relationship in the example, a reminder that this can happen across all types of relationships, and across all sexual orientations, as well as in non-romantic relationships. And anyone can be a perpetrator, across genders (or lack thereof).
-Also, while I like to post about issues often faced by the autistic and disabled communities - and this is a frequent issue that Iāve seen - donāt take that to mean that I believe that 1) weāre incapable of being perpetrators ourselves, or that 2) we all have the level of naivety that society seems to automatically expect us to have. Weāre all different (though I myself have definitely had to learn my own lessons about people the hard way).
As well, we are also more likely to be victims of such situations because people will purposely seek us out, knowing that society often devalues us, and counting on us having poor self-esteem, and a strong desire to truly be seen (instead of being seen/portrayed as romantically invisible or undesirable). Weāre also often far less likely to be taken at our word when trying to report/seek help with such relationship issues, as people will often make assumptions along the lines of us being a āburdenā to partners, and that relationship partners are all automatically āheroic caregiversā that are ājust burnt out.ā Predators are fully aware of these common biases, and will attempt to take full advantage of these tropes.)
