A Hat Full Of Sky

Jorden. 20+ She/Her. Autistic. writing blog @jstarswrites special interests include but not limited to: video games, books, and space.

[so1987-deactivated20230102]

who’s gonna tell tumblr that executive dysfunction is more than Not Doing Things?

[so1987-deactivated20230102]

okay

these are the executive functions. impairment of these functions is executive dysfunction

[dailypattondoodles]

Oh.

OH

[lurlur]

Girl, help. None of my executives are functioning

[no-one-offical]

‎

[arcteris]

heavensward roadtrip memories ft. ysayle

[mothric]

thinking about the time a former housemate said to me "hey I put these box fans in the living room because it's hot" while gesturing to the fans that I was actively sitting in front of because it was hot. and I said "okay thanks." and she kept standing there like she was waiting for something else so I said "am I blocking the airflow? do you need me to move?" and she said no I'm just letting you know they're here, in the living room, for circulation. and I said well yes, I did put that together. I am enjoying them. thank you. and she looked confused. so I asked "am I meant to do something with this information or are you just informing me?" and she said no I'm letting you know they're here because It's Hot In Here. she seemed a bit aggravated, and her emphasis seemed deliberate.

it took me asking three more times before she finally told me she wanted me to leave the fans where they are instead of moving them to my room or something. and I said oh! I had no intention of doing so but thank you for letting me know what the expectation is.

about a month later she brought up that conversation as the moment it actually clicked for her that I Am Autistic And Will Not Magically Intuit The Unspoken Request You Didn't Ask Me.

[mothric]

I have observed enough allistic communication to know that generally, if somebody points something out to you that you can already see or are already clearly interacting with, they are making an indirect request. but as I don't know what the request is, the only way forward is for me to guess (and likely get it wrong), or prompt the allistic to tell me clearly what they need.

however, allistics don't realize they do this, so asking them to say the unspoken surprises and confuses them. this is not their fault. allistics can be quite emotionally fragile and perceive directness as confrontation, so they habitually rely on indirect speech and coded language to preserve others' feelings. this is why they may find it difficult to be direct, even when asked. I have found that with enough gentle encouragement and reassurance that they are actually helping you, you too can achieve successful communication with your allistic friend or loved one. :)

[mothric]

I've seen more than a few replies saying "I'm not autistic and I wouldn't have gotten that either / your roommate's an outlier / nobody could have gotten that." fair enough, it was a pretty specific situation and it seems she genuinely didn't communicate well. as I often run into issues with indirectness, it scanned to me like all the other times I haven't been able to read between the lines. so let me give a few more examples of this phenomenon that may be more common:

"You left your dish in the sink." > the hidden request is "please clean your dish, preferably right now." since it's phrased as an observation, I don't immediately intuit the request and instead think my housemate thinks I forgot about it. so I reply "oh, I know." housemate thinks i'm sassing her and gets annoyed with me. only then do I realize she was asking me to do something about the dish in the sink.

"There's hot soup on the stove." > said to me while I was preparing a sandwich. the hidden request is "please eat the soup." since it's phrased as a statement of fact, I don't immediately intuit the request and instead think my mom thinks I didn't see the soup. I did see it, but I wanted a sandwich instead. so I reply, "I saw it, thank you." mother thinks I'm being rude and gets annoyed with me. only then do I realize she was asking me to do something about the soup (and furthermore is offended I am eating a sandwich instead).

"Your bread is on the counter." > the hidden request is "please remove your sliced bread from the counter and store it elsewhere." since it's phrased as an observation, I don't immediately intuit the request and think my roommate thinks I meant to store the bread elsewhere and forgot. when I reassure her I know it's there, she gets annoyed. only then do I realize she wants me to do something about the bread on the counter.

"You can turn up the heat, you know." > said to me while I was scrambling eggs slowly over low heat. this one really confused me because of course I knew I could turn up the heat, but I had no reason to as I was only cooking for myself. when I ignored the statement because I was focused on my task and had nothing to say, my mother added, "the eggs will cook faster if you do." sure, I'm aware of this too, but I don't want to cook them faster. I won't get the texture I want. when I reply, "I don't want to, though," mom thinks I'm being rude and gets irritated, then asks me how long I'm going to take. only then do I realize she was telling me to cook faster (because she wanted the stove), instead of simply informing me I could.

"There are donuts in the break room." > a more benign example, but similar outcome. once again I hear this as a piece of information being given to me, and thank my coworker for telling me. when I don't immediately leave my desk to get donuts because I'm finishing a task, my coworker hovers and says, "well? aren't you getting some?" only then do I realize there was actually a hidden invitation, and I was supposed to respond to the hidden part and say, "I'll come get them in a minute," or "no thank you I don't want any."

as I said, I've learned over time this is something many allistic (non-autistic) people do (as well as high masking autistic folks who have learned the social rules and wear themselves out following them rigidly). despite what I've learned, my default autistic response is pretty much always to take the words at face value (especially when I'm distracted or multitasking), before remembering I have to translate them. and while I can make a decent educated guess in most cases, sometimes I just cannot and simply ask, "what are you asking me?"

unfortunately, many allistic people suffer from an inability to take words literally just as much as they struggle to speak literally, which can further obfuscate communication. this is why I emphasize gentle reassurance that you are not criticizing them, but asking them to help you, a person in need, by clarifying their intent. people generally like to be helpful and I have had moderate success with this approach.

ONE MORE THING: I have a bias! this is very US-centric, as that's where I live. some cultures around the world are extremely direct, so autistic people in those cultures may not have the specific issue I describe here. however, every culture has its own set of social norms that include a complex combination of nonverbal visual cues, body language, tone/emphasis, and countless other unspoken expectations for what's considered polite or "normal." the double empathy problem doesn't evaporate in cultures that value direct speech. autistic people just face different problems. thank you and be good to each other

[mothric]

Even More examples of statements that allists in indirect cultures think are direct, pulled from the comments and my own experience (and in my case, missed until well after the fact):

"I'm putting the kettle on." (not just announcing what they're doing, they're expecting you to affirm whether you want tea or not.)

"Boy the trash is full." (not just voicing an observation, they're expecting you to take the trash out.)

"If you leave your window open, bugs will get in." (not just giving you information to decide what to do with, they're expecting you to close the window.)

Any variation of "do you want to do [unpleasant task]?" (you aren't actually supposed to say yes or no, they aren't asking your opinion, they're telling you to do it and saying you don't want to is rude.)

"Let me show you how to do something." (they want you to do it this way, they aren't just sharing an insight that you can choose to incorporate into your habits or not)

"Mm that food smells good." (might be complimenting your cooking, might be hoping you'll offer them some.)

"What are you watching/playing?" (might be curious about your interests, but might also want you to invite them to join.)

"Company's arriving in 15 minutes." (this one was from a mom to her kids and she wasn't just giving them a heads up, she was telling them to clean up.)

"Sorry my desk is such a mess." (APPARENTLY this was NOT a comment on her own desk but implying her COWORKER'S desk was messy and she wanted them to clean it??? sorry to the commenter who shared this one but that sounds genuinely deranged and you can't convince me this is common even for the most indirect allists out there)

to everyone saying this is simply a direct vs indirect culture issue, yes you can have communication breakdowns between people with differing degrees of directness, regardless of their neurodiversity status. what I am trying to illustrate is that autistic people in indirect cultures will miss these indirect cues at much higher rates than others, because we do not pick up on social norms at the same rate or proficiency as everyone else, because of our autism. essentially making us "direct-culture" people by default. some autistic folks do learn and practice those norms (some of us are literally traumatized into doing so), but it's something we often must remind ourselves to do, manually, and it can take a lot of extra effort. this is why high maskers end up in burn-out if they cannot learn to unmask btw.

(thank you also to everyone weighing in from around the world! I do hear Germany and Finland are more direct cultures so "taking things too literally" may not be as much of an issue there. this highlights the inherent bias of the DSM-V which assumes US cultural norms when evaluating for autism. another post for another day.)

[mothric]

once again boosting this longer thread. box fan roommate was a bad example. I do a better job of discussing inability to pick up on indirect requests (that ppl Think are direct) and cultural nuances here.

[hopeless-eccentric]

humiliating to be attracted to a conventionally attractive person. I thought I was a more sensitive and refined pervert than this

[iconuk01]

I'm very proud of my countrymen for introducing America to the world of the proper football chant.

None of this cheerleader stuff for soccer, oh no sireee, I mean, no disrespect to cheerleaders who put a LOT of work and effort into their performances, but somehow "Rah-Rah! We're the best" from peppily gymnastic young things can't quite match the sheer power of entire stadiums of grown up fans yelling at the top of their lungs things like....

It's unclear if this one originated with the English of Scottish games (spelling of "old" as "auld" notwithstanding), but either way, well done.

And it's striking home too! :D

Sportsball holds no interest for me, but that doesn't mean I can't respect the participation aspects sometimes.

[befikra]

i bet it feels good to be an underwater plant just swaying in sync with the flow of water

[setulose]

I think I might be about to send a deranged email

[setulose]

Couldn't find an email address so it was instead a deranged form submission

[setulose]

HUGE NEWS

[det395]

[hxneyfarm]

Happy pride month specifically to folks on the asexual and aromantic spectrum who oftentimes feel isolated and left out of the conversation. You belong here as much as the rest of us and I hope that you are all loved in a way that is comforting to you.

[arcolan]

11 year old border collie: gets a special shot for his chronic back pain this morning

2pm: "where's the dog he can't possibly have jumped over the fence"

3pm: "hi i live in [another village]! I got your dog here, if you can come fetch him?"

"well at least that new medication is working 💀"

[emcapi]

[catboy-artist]

This makes my heart go

Like— the medication works well enough to clear disabling pain the animal has probably suffered for a while; pains of old age they might not have seen an end to. But then the vet does something and suddenly they can actually run around and jump again like they were young again. So what does the animal do once they have this realization?

Take the first chance they can to do all of the things they wanted to do but couldn’t before. Gleefully cause chaos and run far away or break every high up object in the house.

And they are so right to do that.

[interestingmistakes]

Reblogging this manually. Op doesn't want credit for fear of being terminated.

[swiftrunnerfelidae]

"Kill your local sex offender!" Oh, you mean the guy who went streaking at his local college football game on a dare one time? That's a sex crime.

"No, I mean-"

Oh, maybe the woman who had to pee in a public park that only had pay toilets, so she tried to hide behind the bushes but got caught? Public urination is a sex crime.

"What? No, I mean-"

Oh, maybe you mean the homeless guy who had to strip down to get his clothes in the laundromat to clean them for the first time in weeks? He tried being subtle, but someone called the cops on him, and now he's on the sex offender registry for public nudity.

"Rapists and pedophiles! Kill rapists and pedophiles!"

Oh, like the trans woman who got called a pedophile groomer for helping a trans kid escape her abusive parents?

Or maybe the black man who got labeled a rapist because he came on to another man's wife, and he decided to get back at him by charging him with rape?

How about the 17 year olds who were fooling around, fully consensually, in one of their bedrooms? That's still technically underage sex and thus rape of a minor.

Oh, or maybe you're talking about the doctor who performed genital reconstructive surgery in a state that just voted to get that classified as rape?

People will do everything they can to get you convinced rape and pedophilia are the worst crimes possible, then accuse whoever they like the least of being either a rapist, a pedophile, or both, counting on you turning on them just for being accused of the crime.

"Oh, so you're saying you don't want to kill a serial rapist?"

That's exactly what I'm goddamn saying.

Once we decide a group is okay to kill, the government will do everything they can to convince you that their political enemies are either part of that group, or just as bad as that group, to get you to kill their enemies for them.

The only way out is to accept every life as worth saving.

[razielim]

@the-overanalyzer — #human rights don't disappear when someone does something despicable #I know that's an uncomfortable position to defend sometimes but you just have to suck it up

yeah!

you're allowed to FEEL like you want to kill rapists (esp your own if such a misfortune has befallen you). you're even allowed to WANT and WISH for their deaths. that's all normal natural and dare i say... healthy???

it's perfectly sensible to feel all that rage and bloodlust as we grieve the loss of our autonomy, even if it was brief, or if we grieve the fact that this happens to others, or the prevalence of this crime, etc. whatever the reason you want that person dead, you're certainly entitled to that mental state

all of those feelings are yours, and you are allowed to feel them as long as it takes you to feel them

BUT. that doesn't make those feelings justice. that doesn't make that rage and pain the right thing to base policy on. policy that crushes human rights is policy that crushes humans, both the ones you hate and the ones you love

[aunt-of-dragons]

It reminds me of the Sir Terry Prachett quote "If you did it for a good reason, you'd do it for a bad one. You couldn't say 'We're the good guys' and do bad-guy things."

[cynicalclassicist]

Well, that Terry Pratchett quote clinches it.

[artbyblastweave]

Now obviously the hard part of launching a land invasion of Heaven will figuring out where they hid the hole. Finding the miniscule aperture, the hole in physical reality to which all souls are translocated at the moment of death, and then jamming something sturdy in there, getting it in reallll good and working it around until it's big enough to fit some guys with guns through. But the nice part is that the nature of Heaven means that, one, not many people get in in the first place, and two, none of them are good at fighting, because people who're good at fighting mostly don't go to heaven. Except us, when we find the hole. The point is that once we're in there's not much they're gonna be able to do. Pretty much we'll have free run of the place

[artbyblastweave]

Update! So we forgot about God

[manuciruja]

awww the like button turns into a rainbow when you press it! that's so cute...hey staff what's with all the trans women you keep nuking?

[manuciruja]

i think we should be ridiculing them more for this. you don't get to try and go all "queer website" when your staff likes to go on nuking sprees targeting the trans fem users

[nekokotatsu]

Human: I don't get this whole "Earth is a death world" thing. Like, obviously it wouldn't seem like one to us, but why is it one to you guys? Are your home planets *that* much more free of disease and predators and stuff?

Alien: Oh, yes. Earth is far more hostile than our home worlds.

Human: Huh. Wonder why.

Alien: I suspect it's due to Earth's high iron content blocking the fae from disposing of such minor threats.

Human: Yeah, I guess that

Human:

Human: what

Tiny fairy in alien's translator headpiece: Shut up, they think we're mythical, it's *hilarious*.

Alien: I mean... Sure is a mystery, huh?

[blastdamage]

the paris catacombs are 1000x more fucked up than i imagined

[blastdamage]

did you know the cops once found a fully functioning movie theater with a well-stocked bar inside the catacombs and they when they tried to go back later to formally investigate it was completely emptied out save for a note that read "don't search for us"

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Underground french cinema

[npd-vriska]

my little bro is part of the catacombs community and yeah, it's basically a fully autonomous society! enough that when my bro goes in on a friday night, they don't come out until monday for work- sometimes longer if they took days off.

some of the rooms have fully stocked pantries with cooking equipment, some have movies like the one described above, some have books you're allowed to just take but people always put back- every day people bring things from the outside. artists often set up galleries there. there are rooms with mattresses and hammocks set up for people to sleep. one of the room is just a place where people leave shoes for the fun of it.

this is Known, it's not a secret by any means. the catacombs are as big as paris itself, and people live there just as people live above. it's wonderful when you think about it.

[npd-vriska]

A little update! My little bro is now my little sister. Please don't misgender her :)

[enbylesbie]

[ladyconstellati0n]

Batfamily Comm Lines pt. 15

Damian: You cannot make me. I will quit-I promise you that I will quit, Father.

Bruce: *tiredly* We do not have an option, Robin. The Commissioner is stretched thin and has requested our help. This is the last thing that I wish to do but it is our duty to help.

Damian: I am a child. I was coerced into this lifestyle. Does my victimhood mean anything to you?

*comm line pings*

Tim: *irritated* I’m getting reports of a ketchup flood in the downtown area. Which is-by the way-outside my territory.

Dick: *confused* Ketchup? Who the-Oh for fucks sake. Condiment King? Pass, I moved to Blüd for a reason.

Bruce: We do not abandon a mission simply because-

Tim: This isn’t a mission. This is a wanna-be hot dog vendor with a vendetta that needs to be studied.

Damian: *agreeing* It is humiliating. It took Alfred three washes to get the smell of sauces out of my suit.

Dick: Fighting him was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Remember the relish phase?

Damian: That’s one of the most painful experiences you have ever endured? *snickering* Your parents died in front of you.

Bruce: Robin!-

Dick: No-No. I stand by that, the fucking relish was worse.

*comm line pings*

Jason: *voice slightly muffled* Fucking hell-Then tell them to evacuate and head to the rooftops! Yo-the fuck is going on, Bruce? My guys just told me that Condom Man is destroying downtown.

Tim: *laughing* Condom Man.

Dick: Shush!-We have little ears listening.

Damian: I fucking know what a condom is, Grayson.

Bruce: *sighing* Condiment King escaped Arkham approximately one hour ago and is wreaking havoc on Gotham. I was just filling your brothers in on our plan.

Tim: I’m not Robin anymore. Use your sidekick for this. I’ll observe.

Damian: I'm sorry, does Robin the Third have something to say?

Bruce: We have to-

Dick: There you go again with this "we" business.

Jason: Preach. We're individuals. *voice muffles slightly* Yeah, no. It's fine. Just like- tell Felix to forget the drop today, streets are fucked. *voice unmuffles* We're unique.

Bruce: This is important. There is no arguing. He escaped Arkham and we do not know his true intentions. Robin and I will be heading downtown and I expect at least one of you to follow suit.

Jason: Arkham is a 30 minute fucking time-out. Any lunatic can waltz out of there, your Durex isn’t special.

Bruce: He is murdering citizens of Gotham. Condiment King is causing anaphylactic shock-

Jason: Natural selection. Darwin’s been fucking slacking. They’ll be missed. It’s okay, we’ll build them a memorial.

Tim and Dick: *laughing*

Damian: Is there anything to truly worry about? He is not a danger, more of inconvenience.

Dick: Yeah, B. Just run along. We'll send one of us right behind you.

Bruce: Oracle-Tell the Commissioner that I am responding to the distress signal alone. Ensure that I have back-up within five minutes.

*Bruce disconnects from main comm line*

Damian: *exasperated* I do not understand why you do not just kill him, Akhi.

Dick: Damian! *small laugh* Don’t say that!

Jason: You came to my fucking apartment when Bruce and I weren’t speaking and practically begged me to limit my killings to make him ‘comfortable’

Damian: Now is when you decide to truly listen?

Jason: *mocking tone* Now is when you decide to be hypocritical?

Tim: Listen- We won’t say anything. I’ll look away. Where’d Condiment King go? Poor fellow-He seemed awful depressed after we botched his plans.

Dick: *snorting* The noose magically tied itself.

Jason: *wheezing.* I can’t believe Bruce thinks I’m the homicidal one in this family when all three of you are casually fine with murder.

Damian: I was raised as a child assassin until I was 10 years old. I think that alone demonstrates where I lie with the casual murder.

*comm line pings*

Oracle: Hate to break this up but Batman is desperately requesting backup and for someone to swing by with a new suit.

Dick: *laughing* Lemme guess-Condiment King blasted him?

Oracle: Oh absolutely *cackling*

Tim: *mystified*He was there for like two minutes, what the hell.

Damian: I still am not helping Father.

Jason: Come on, Dames. We can pick out one of his embarrassing suits.

Damian: *silent* Very well.

Tim and Dick: *cackling*

[robs-your-robins]

Nobody could think Bruce is Batman. Yes, OK, he's rich enough but really, look at the guy. There's a viral video of a tipsy Bruce Wayne clambering up on a gala dinner table, knotting the tablecloth around his shoulders like a cape and telling the guests that he's going to save them from Scarecrow, who crashed the gala, only to fall off the table, hit his head and lay unconscious in a pool of bisque, shrimp and champagne while Scarecrow checks his vitals and tells them to call an ambulance.