[bookhobbit]

I can’t get this post to come out right but I get so /angry/ at smug atheists, especially public figures who have a public platform (as opposed to people just venting in private which is a different matter), who talk about how Christianity is so irrational and Christians are such sheep when they don’t understand one single particle of what it’s like to have to leave a toxic form of Christianity for your own sake, what it’s like to have to rip out fundamental beliefs you were taught to prioritize over your own feelings, and have to drag yourself out BY yourself because nobody in your community will help you, how much fear and doubt you have to go through, how much those teachings linger in your head and colour every aspect of your life for so long afterwards, how you’re taught from day 1 to view your religion as the most important aspect of your identity and how much work it takes to even get to the point of questioning

when they say things like “Fundamentalists are so stupid to believe that stuff” they don’t understand how emotionally manipulative many fundamentalist churches are and how that’s really saying “you were stupid in the past but now you’re smart like us” but that’s not what it’s like, I didn’t leave fundamentalism because I realized it was irrational I left because I realized it was killing me and it was a choice between staying and probably killing myself at some point and uprooting everything I had been taught was The Right Way, there was no logic involved except survival instinct

and I’m still not normal, I’m not free of the beliefs I was raised with for twenty odd years, I’m still terrified of hell, scared of what might happen after death, clueless about a lot of things my peers know about, that’s not rational either, I know that, my goal isn’t to be the most logical person on earth, my goal is to be able to breathe and be a person of my own

I hate that so many of them use those arguments to feel smart and superior and don’t realize how much that hurts people who have already been hurt enough by the church they left and how much it alienates people still in those manipulative environments who might want to leave but who will just hear “you’re so stupid” and not what they need to, which is “hey, you’ll be safe out here”

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

I tried coffee today

On my way home from work, I passed a Starbucks and realized that, since my parents are out of town, I could stop and get a coffee, see what it was like and all.

So I googled different types of coffee, trying to figure out what I wanted to try, and found out that mochas have chocolate. So I was going to get a mocha. Iced, since Arizona summers are freaking hot.

I got to the parking lot of a random Starbucks, nearly had a panic attack, and got back on the road. It took legitimately four times of going into the parking lot of a coffee place, and leaving said parking lot, before I finally forced myself into the drive through line of a Dutch Bros.

I said mocha wrong, thoroughly confused both the lady taking my order and myself(several times), waited twenty minutes or so, before sitting in the parking lot and drinking that whole coffee.

I’m still all ansty and anxious from just the process of getting it, and the caffeine probably didn’t help, and I’m still not even 100% sure I actually enjoyed the drink itself, but I honestly feel so great right now.

[theotherjudas]

Remember Who You Are

I can’t tell you how many times I heard this as a kid. Mormon parents LOVE this one, don’t they? If you’re an ex-mo, I’ll bet you’ve heard it too. 

Every time I left the house, my mom would call out: “Remember who you are!” Every time I’d go to hang out with friends or to a dance, “Remember who you are!” When I left for college, “Remember who you are!” 

“Remember who you are.”

What a loaded phrase. Apparently straightforward. Deceptively simple. 

As a teenager, I took “remember who you are” to mean, essentially, “be a good person” or, more to the point, “you’d better not get into trouble.” But as I got older, I started to unpack what was really going on. 

Let’s take it piece by piece. 

“REMEMBER…” Mormons, as I’m sure many of us recall, believe in a “veil of forgetfulness” that falls over the minds of our spirits when they enter mortal bodies. At birth, we “forget” everything of that existence - living with our Heavenly Father, the “war in heaven,” etc. We “forget” our true nature as sons and daughters of a loving, all-powerful god and “joint heirs with Christ” We “forget” the “Plan of Salvation.” And because we “forget” we must be taught - and that’s what the church is for - to show wayward spirits the way to eternal life. 

Now, this is undeniably bullshit. Many religions make claims to earthly primacy to retroactively legitimize their “truths” of the universe and morality (ie, Catholicism claiming a direct lineage from Jesus, through the apostle Peter, to the pope today; Islam claiming to be the umbrella faith of which Judaism and Christianity are merely wayward offshoots… despite being the latest of the three middle eastern monotheistic religions to develop). Mormonism too, claims a priesthood lineage from Jesus to ol’ Joe Smith down to the prophets today. But they take it step farther(… or is is a step back?). Mormon teachings claim to tell us what happened TO US before the world even existed. The starting point of their cosmological narrative includes US. 

And that puts massive pressure on TBMs. Not only are you required to live up to a strict moral code in daily life; not only do you live under intense scrutiny from your leaders and peers; BUT you must also bear the burden of your supposed spiritual legacy. To “remember who you are” means not only “you  must behave the way your leaders and parents expect you to AND you must never let the “gentile world” see mormonism in a bad light through your personal actions”… it ALSO means “if you act contrary to the will of god in ANY thing, you are literally spitting in the face of your real father, god.” Do you see why family structure is so important in mormonism? Heavenly Father knows best… 

In mormonism, once you “know” the truth - your spiritual origin story - the greatest sin is to deny it, to turn your back on that legacy. To become apostate. Apostasy is the worst sin a mormon can commit. Even murderers and rapists go to the lowest heaven. To deny the pre-mortal existence is to shake free of the shackles the church’s personalized self-control mechanisms. And if the church is to survive, its members cannot “forget who they are.” That is what is means to “REMEMBER.” 

“…WHO YOU ARE.” Beyond selling you a narrative of your pre-earth life, mormonism also hands you a blueprint (a “script-ure,” if you will) for your mortal life. It’s all very clear, and indoctrinated into mormon kids as soon as they can talk… or rather, sing. In primary, children sing songs about getting married in the temple (creepy as fuck, toeing the line of “grooming”), about how they know the church is true (HOW???), about bishops and prophets being fathers (again, a culture of grooming, ripe for abuse to flourish), about adoring the temple, about wanting to get baptized, about having a deep testimony, about loving jesus, and on and on and on. 

These are kids as young as four. How the fuck can any four-year-old understand WHAT IT MEANS to be baptized? to commit oneself to a religion they barely understand at eight, let alone at twelve or eighteen? How does a four-year-old know who jesus is, let alone what his supposed sacrifice means? How is a four-year-old supposed to have a testimony? about ANY aspect of the church’s teaching? have you read Mormon Doctrine?? it is a minefield of esoteric theology most bishops cannot parse to save their lives. 

My point is that mormon children are set upon the “straight and narrow” early in life and told to never falter. And it should be easy, right? At eight, get baptized. At twelve (for young men) get the Aaronic priesthood. At eighteen, go on a mission. Return faithfully. Get married in the temple. Have a bunch of kids. Raise them in the church. Get all your temple ordinances. Pay tithing. Fulfill your callings. Endure to the end. And then you die. Easy as pie. You never have to think, never have to question - it’s all laid out for you in simple black and white. 

So when mormon parens tell their kids “remember WHO YOU ARE,” what they’re really saying is “don’t do anything to jeopardize the plan.” They’re saying “remember who I WANT you to be.” Mormon parents are controlled too - I’m not saying they’re all evil (though some undoubtably are). But they literally have no conception of how to handle things if it goes off the plan. I can tell you from firsthand experience, a kid who doesn’t go on a mission can send an entire family - and entire ward! - into a frenzy. 

SO. REMEMBER this instead:

YOU ARE WHOever you want to be. You are your own person, with your own identity. You don’t owe your life to ANYONE - not a parent, not a prophet.  

WHO YOU ARE is up to you. Do good and you will be a good person. You are in control of your own life plan. It’s up to you to make the most of it. 

REMEMBER to be true to yourself. Trust your instincts - not the “still small voice” of the church’s control - but your own sense of right and wrong. 

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND KINDNESS not because you’re following someone else’s rules, but because you are a human being. Simple as that. 

Reclaim the phrase: Remember who you are. You’re you. And that’s the best thing in the universe to be. 

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

So I Went and Saw Love, Simon

My whole family was out of state to see my sister and her husband and their new baby, but I had an AP practice exam that I couldn’t miss, so I couldn’t go.

While I would have loved to see my nephew, I had the entire weekend entirely to myself and whatever I wanted to do.

I went to dinner. I spent time out of my room. I did more in two and a half days than I’ve done in two and a half months.

And since it was just me the whole time, I told my parents I was going to see Black Panther again, but actually went to a Love, Simon showing at the same time.

There was a group of squealing girls my age in front of me, and half the theater cheered when Bram and Simon kissed. I was constanly crying through the entire thing, and I was a giant emotional wreck the rest of the day, but I felt the most and the happiest I think I’ve felt since I put together that the church isn’t true.

As cheesy as it sounds, I actually feel like there’s some kind of hope in the future. Even if it feels like high school will never end, that I will never get out of this house and my family.

I think it finally made it real to me, seeing real, live, actual people who simply wanted to see a cute movie about a gay kid with their friends.

While I know I won’t have it in high school, someday I’ll have friends willing to see an “immoral, horrendous” movie with me, who I can talk with about my actual feelings, and what I want to do with my life, and not be judged.

And I’m looking forward to it.

[ipayinblood]

if you’re an active ex-mormon blog can u please reblog this so I can follow you 👍

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

“When logic, reason, or personal intellect come into conflict with sacred teachings and doctrine, or conflicting messages assault your beliefs... choose to not cast the seed out of your heart by unbelief.”

-Bishop Richard C. Edgley

[veryqueerexmo-deactivated201908]

Dear Closeted LGBT Mormons,

You are loved. You are valid. You are loved by God, if you believe in him. You are valid if you’re closeted, you’re valid if you’re pre-op, if you’re pre hormones, if you don’t believe anymore, if you believe in something different, if you’re in a relationship with someone of a different/same sex, if you’ve never date anyone of the same sex, or anyone period. You’re all so very valid. With the church’s stance on LGBT people, it can be easy to try to push your identity away and not accept yourself. Church leaders are so quick to dismiss LGBT people and rights by saying stuff like “God’s law doesn’t change” or “We love all our LGBT members….but you can’t do this or that”, and this is really damaging to the LGBT youth. Suicide rates are high for these youth in the church, yet the church is still making policies like “children with gay marriage have to denounce their parents to be baptized.” This is wrong, and discriminatory. So, dear closeted LGBT mormons, here’s a few things I wish I was told when I was discovering myself in the mormon church:

You are valid.

Your identity may change, you may question yourself a thousand times, trust me this is normal I went through many labels. Part of finding who you are is a changing and life long process.

If your parents are homophobic, you DO NOT have to come out.

You don’t owe it to anyone to come out, never out anyone, and if it’s not safe don’t come out.

If you’re forced to go to church, I’m so sorry and you’re so strong. You’ll get through this, and one day you’ll be able to live by your beliefs.

Not everyone is unaccepting, there’s a whole community of people who accept you.

Self acceptance takes a while, especially with internalized homophobia.

If you’re trans, and you can’t transition right now, you’re still valid and strong, and still a handsome/beautiful/attractive man/woman/human.

You do not have to hide who you are forever.

For those of us with mental illnesses, no matter what you’re taught, professional help does help. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone.

You’ll hear this many times before you believe it, and before it happens: things do get better. You’ve lived through all your shittiest days so far.

Never lose hope.

It’s okay to love the parts of yourself the church wouldn’t approve of (ya’ll I can’t express how much I LOVE coffee & kissing other girls).

Your opinions are valid even if they don’t align with your parents.

I could go on forever and ever, but most of all, my dear closeted mormons, that one day you’ll be able to be yourself. Sunday school lessons about one man one woman are bullshit are hell to listen to, any lesson is if you don’t believe or whatever the circumstance may be, but you’ll get through this. I got through many lessons, homophobes, activities, leaders and peers putting atheists down and people just plain being rude, but I’m getting through it, and so can you. Keep your heads up kiddos!

Never hesitate to message this blog if you need anything, or wanna be friends.

In the name of Jes- Hope at least one person reads this, and gets something out of it. 

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

Honestly I think the whole “I really don’t want to get married, and I really really don’t want to have kids, but my patriarchal blessing says I will, so I guess that’s that” thought-mantra among a bunch of younger people in the church is kinda sad

[shlieshelz]

The Mormon church is all about agency so long as you use that agency to choose the things that fit in their cookie cutter definition of what’s right.

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

Trying to uncover what’s fake and what’s

Real, wading through Debris, giving up on looking

Upwards, to a “Heaven” with an all-loving “God,”

Trying, still, still failing, to find reality, yet

Hoping all the while, that there’s a truth to life.

[willobea-deactivated20150809]

Every so often I remember how fucked up some religions are.

Like, I was a child, a little kid, when I was taught that loving someone of the same sex was temptation from the devil, and that people with coloured skin were descendants of white sinners cursed by God to be “marked” on the outside for their evil.

Just….woah man. That’s some fucked up shit.

[theotherjudas]

A Still, Small Voice

My dad has always hated noise. Not at home, not in public, and certainly not at church. But when you have six sons all within twelve years, noise is unavoidable. 

While my dad was never loud or even remotely violent, it was UNDERSTOOD you DID NOT make noise in HIS house. And so, from an early age, we learned to be quiet.

I learned to keep to myself. To not distract him when he was reading his Book of Mormon or preparing his meeting remarks. To never yell. To never laugh too loudly. 

And so I turned inward. Deep inward. 

My dad said that a quiet house was necessary for the spirit to whisper to us. We needed quiet minds to hear the heeding of that still, small voice. 

Years later, my friends in middle school made fun of me because I would never laugh. When something was funny I would smile and open my mouth, but literally no sound would come out. It was fucking weird. I would never raise my voice. I would almost never speak at all, In fact, most people assumed I was an introvert. Hell, I thought I was an introvert. For years. 

I began to identify with the character of Spock from the original Star Trek, which I watched voraciously on VHSs checked out of the local library. I had to keep my emotions in check. I had to keep quiet. I had to keep small.

A large part of my experience growing up Mormon was of being crushed, weighed down, having my voice silenced. In trying so hard to listen to that still, small voice of the holy spirit, my OWN voice got still and small, and all but silent. 

But I got out of that quiet house. I got out of that hideous religion. I found my voice. And I’ve been striving ever since to make some goddamn noise about the dangers I’ve seen, about the path that almost stole my voice from me. 

And so I want to speak to all those “quiet” mormon kids who are stuck in “quiet” mormon homes: Don’t let them silence you. YOU HAVE A VOICE. USE IT. Sometimes you will have to appease your parents. Sometimes you just have to get through it. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war. But hold strong because there is a world out here that welcomes you and your voice and what you have to say. No, it NEEDS your voice. It begs for your voice. 

The same goes for all of us ex-mo’s. Let’s all speak up. Whatever gets your blood pumping, gets your ire up, make some noise about it. Let’s not let the church and all its abuses and lies slink quietly by. 

Sound the alarm, friends. Your voice may be small but together, we can make one hell of a racket. 

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

My Joke About SSD

Friend: My headphones broke and now I can only hear out of the one.

Me: *dramatic gasp* Oh my gosh, mine too!

Friend: *glares and sighs* Shut up, Ellie.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

follow for daily quotes

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

What to Expect on the Road to Success

1. You will feel pain.

2. You will experience discouragement.

3. You will want to give up.

4. People won’t understand you.

5. People will criticize you.

6. People will walk away from, and reject, you.

7. You will feel it’s impossible to persevere.

8. You will want to give up - a million times.

9. You will think that you’re going crazy and are losing your mind.

10. It will all be worth it in the end.

[whatssofreakingwrongwithbei-blog]

I think I heard one of the most Mormon things yesterday in a group of girls my age.

One of their sisters, who was 18/19, got engaged. The girl said how

“They’ve been dating for four, nearly five months now, so we knew he would propose any day.”

[shybiviolet-blog]

It is so weird living with people who love you and say you can tell them anything and that they will always support you, when you know that they hate important aspects of your identity and if they actually knew anything about you they’d change their tune pretty quick.

It’s like living in a house full of cats who just haven’t realized you’re a mouse yet.