Just found this short story I wrote my senior year of high school for English class based on a random prompt. I fear I may never write such quality comedy again.
His name was Mike, but all the guys in the gang called him Four Eyes Mike. Some might think it was because of his glasses. They'd be wrong. It was because he had eyes in the back of his head. No matter who tried to get the jump on him, he always saw them coming. But there was only one person who called him Michael without risk of a slit throat: James. James was a musician. He played guitar at subway stops after his shift at the Happy Hoagie. That was where they met. In between the lettuce and the mustard, their eyes locked, and the rest is history. It was love at first sight. The only problem was the gang. Four Eyes Mike had been born into the life. How could he tell the guys he wanted to leave for love? They had to run away and start a new life. But how would they support themselves?
All Mike's money was invested in sandwich restaurants. There was no way to access it in a pinch. James worked at a sandwich chain restaurant, so he had no money. The gang had been casing the Sandwi’tch Valley Bank, so Mike decided to take the job solo. He’d already seduced the night guard, Pierre. They were childhood lovers, and it only took a few drinks, a bit of convincing, and a sprinkle of nostalgia to get Pierre to agree to shut down the laser beams guarding the bank during his shift. But even Pierre didn’t know the code to the big, giant safe that wasn’t quite a vault because it had like a twisty lock that you spin instead of a bunch of buttons that you push to open it. Mike would figure that out himself somehow.
The night of the heist, Mike kissed his lover James goodbye while he slept blissfully in their bed. He should leave a note, he thought. If James awoke before he was back, he might be worried. Pulling out his phone, Mike texted a quick message: I’m out for an uncertain amount of time. Do not fret, my love. When I return, I shall have enough dough to buy you all the sandwiches you want.
Slinging his crime backpack over his shoulder, Four Eyes gazed lovingly at the angel of a man he’d fallen for. He would never have to know exactly what went on that night or how Mike got enough money for them to ride off into the rainbow sunset. Mike crept out of the bedroom and to the apartment door, but as he turned the handle, a floorboard creaked behind him. He turned to find James, half asleep and rubbing his eyes.
“Where are you going?” James asked, yawning. “It’s like two in the morning.”
Mike sighed. He couldn’t lie to this gorgeous specimen of a man.
“I’m robbing a bank,” he said. “But I’m doing this for us! So we can don that gay apparel every day! I need you to trust me on this.”
James’s brow furrowed like it always did when he was deep in thought.
“Okay. I’m coming with you,” he said, resolutely.
“What?!” exclaimed Mike. “You can’t! It’s dangerous, and I don’t even know how to get into the big, giant safe yet!”
“I do,” James quipped, sassily. He held up a stethoscope that seemed to appear out of nowhere. “I can use my super awesome musician hearing and this stethoscope someone dropped in my guitar case on the subway to crack the code like they do in the movies.”
Mike couldn’t argue with that logic. And he certainly couldn’t say no to this beautiful, sensitive, majestic human who was his whole reason for being. He sighed again. This time, his whole body drooped with the release of air.
The two lovers tip-toed their way across town to the Sandwi’tch Valley Bank. Pierre came through and turned off the alarms and lasers. He’d hesitated when Mike showed up with another man, but the two were so beautiful together--like a glittering, gay rainbow-- that he couldn’t hold it against him.
When they got to the big, giant safe, James put on the stethoscope. With the help of the stethoscope and his super extra awesome musician hearing, the safe was open in two bats of a drag queen’s eyelashes.
“Wait here for me, my love,” Mike said. “I’ll get enough mula to last us a lifetime.”
Mike entered the big, giant safe. The big, giant safe was filled with gold bars and piles of money, just like in the movies, just like he’d imagined. He started loading his crime backpack with stacks of hundred dollar bills. This was it! All he needed to have his chance at a life with James was in his hands!
Suddenly, his Mikey sense started tingling. Something was wrong. He walked outside, only to find the gang waiting for him! Big Bob had a knife to James’s throat. A figure strutted out from the group into Mike’s line of sight, her shoulder length raven hair bobbing with her steps.
“Well, well, well. Looky what we have here, gents,” said Trixie, the leader of the gang.
“Looks like a traitor to me,” said Tiny Tony.
“Looks like a rat,” said Knife Hands Bill.
Mike’s mind raced. How did they know he was here? How could he save himself and James?
“Hey, boys,” Mike squeaked. “I promise it’s not what it looks like!”
Trixie pulled out her phone and read aloud from it.
“‘I’m out for an uncertain amount of time. Do not fret, my love. When I return, I shall have enough dough to buy you all the sandwiches you want.’ Sound familiar?”
Mike’s eyes widened in shock. He’d sent the text to the gang group chat instead of James! How could he possibly be so stupid? It must have been for plot reasons.
“It wasn’t hard to figure out your simple plan,” Trixie boasted. “Looks like you’re four-eyed and two-faced, Mikey boy.”
That was a solid burn, Mike thought, even as he attempted to to think of a way to make them understand that everything he did was for James--graceful, tenacious, elegant, kind, spicy boi that he was. Mike took a deep breath and played the only card he had left: his heart.
“I know I’ve betrayed you, boys. I know I let down the gang, abandoned my core beliefs, and stomped on all your black hearts, but you gotta understand! Look at this man!” Mike gestured flamboyantly to James. “Look at his fine, fine physique! Look how his eyes glitter with the whole galaxy inside them!” Mike gazed into James’s eyes from his stance half-way across the room. “Big Bob, can you feel his pulse against your knife, his heart under the hand you have on his chest? That is the heart of a real man! A real, exquisite, selfless, caring, courageous, important, honestly surprisingly ripped man! I didn’t choose to love him! It was written in the stars! It was carved into my heart the minute he put mustard on my sandwich. For how could I not love someone like him? How could I not want a piece of that booty? I’m sorry I tried to leave the gang without even saying goodbye. I’m sorry I tried to rob this bank on my own when it was supposed to be a group project. But I would do it all again, for I am not sorry for loving James with every fiber of my being! I would do it all again because he taught me what it is to truly live!”
Mike finished his climax monologue, but dared not look around the room.
At first there was silence, and Mike feared the worst. Then, from the silence, a single sniffle echoed in the room.
“It’s--it’s so beautiful!” cried Big Bob.
Big, fat tears fell from his eyes to land on James’ head, who was more wrapped in an embrace than threateningly held back at the moment. Mike looked around, and there was not a dry eye in the room. Saucy Joe’s chin wobbled, One Boot Greg pulled a hanky from his one boot. Even Trixie gracefully brushed away a tear with a perfectly manicured finger.
“Gee, Mikey. I didn’t know you had that in you,” Trixie said, affectionately. “We thought you just got greedy and drunk on puppy love. We didn’t know it was all that.”
Trixie sauntered over to Mike and placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.
“I mean, I never would’ve guessed the guy who tore other guys limb from limb and made them eat their own flesh--”
James reeled. “Wait, what?!”
“--would turn out to have more heart than the rest of us combined.” Trixie held Mike by the shoulders and leaned in close. “You deserve to ride into the rainbow sunset, Mikey boy!”
Mike’s eyes filled with tears of his own.
“Gee, boys. You really are the best gang a fella could ask for!”
And with that, James–still reeling from the new information about his lover–was released, the two reunited, and bro hugs were exchanged by all. The joyful party only broke up when sirens were heard in the distance. Big Bob gifted the couple his motorcycle as an early wedding present/escape vehicle. The crime backpack full of money was graciously bestowed upon the gays, the rest of the loot to be cleared out by the gang.
And so, with a mostly stable future, a shiny motorcycle, and an endless road of possibilities, Four Eyes Mike and the still slightly confused James drove into the glittering metaphorical rainbow sunset because it was technically a sunrise because at that point it was dawn.
