Mental Health: It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint

[natalieironside]

Due to my weird childhood and my weird brain, I have this very unhelpful compulsion to conceal Everything I do from Everyone. I Cannot be observed performing any action, no matter how mundane. My nervous system is convinced I'm gonna, like, Get In Trouble for eating food at dinnertime or sleeping in my bed at bedtime.

I've taken to asking myself, "Okay does this task actually require subterfuge or am I stealing a balloon on Free Balloon Day"

[crownedinmarigolds]

I have a big folder on my desktop of inspirational pictures/memes/etc to keep me going so I shall share them with you here.

[glowcowboy]

as someone who constantly gets stuck in ruminative cycles, figuring out a way to stop the cycle before it gets out of hand has been incredibly formative for me. if you find yourself ruminating or unable to stop the cycling, here’s a place to start.

am i learning, processing, or ruminating? it’s important to be able to distinguish between the three. learning is when you receive new information that updates your frame of understanding. processing is when you study a situation to help yourself understand it. ruminating is when you cycle over the same thought repeatedly, often causing distress. learning and processing are productive, while rumination is destructive.

which theme is this? understanding the root of the spiral has helped me to untangle why the rumination feels so intense and scary. (example: i’ve been ruminating on one specific interaction with someone where i think they might’ve misinterpreted what i meant. this is my theme of fear around being misunderstood.)

how do i respond? (example: okay, this is that theme of being misunderstood. but it is not my job to make myself perfectly understood. the people i have around me can ask clarifying questions if they’re confused, and they are willing to meet me in the middle because they want to understand.)

don’t feed the raccoons tuna. (this is an example from my therapist that i love! essentially, don’t feed the beast or it will keep coming back. distract yourself, journal, listen to music, etc.)

[godkissedme]

Tibetan Buddhist monks wait in line for boiling milk to distribute to people participating in a special prayer at Bodhgaya, Bihar, India on January 4, 2017

[thegeminisage]

bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺

[viss-and-pinegar]

[rosslynpaladin]

and yes the stimulant meds do help with this too. The right meds should not “alter you forever” I don’t care what facebook moms say. The right meds will lift the weight from your shoulders and you’ll get VERY ANGRY for a bit because everyone else had it this easy the whole time???? I highly recommend trying out some of the medication available for ADHD.

[sandersstudies]

Sick list of symptoms bro. Now try humanizing your behavior instead of pathologizing it.

[sandersstudies]

Pathologizing: Hey sorry I yelled at you. I have this ADHD symptom called RSD that makes me really sensitive.

Humanizing: Hey, I’m sorry that I blew up like that earlier. In the moment I felt really attacked and overwhelmed and I reacted badly, but I know you didn’t mean to offend me with what you said, so that behavior is on me.

[farmgf]

IT’S SPRINGTIME YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. PASS THE INSTRUCTIONS ON NOT GIVING UP BY ADA LIMÓN

[farmgf]

IT’S THE GREENING OF THE TREES THAT REALLY GETS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!

[penrosesun]

An old addition of mine on a post about veganism recently crossed my dash organically, and coincidentally just after I encountered a really sad and unfortunate example of exactly what that addition was about. It occurs to me that it's probably worth recirculating just that addition, without the long conversational back-and-forth that lead up to it, because it's still as relevant as it was when I made it. So, here goes:

As many people have pointed out, some stripes of militant veganism look suspiciously like eating disorders.

This because they are eating disorders.

The term for this specific type of eating disorder is orthorexia nerviosa, and while it is not limited to vegans, it can absolutely manifest in and be camouflaged through a vegan lifestyle.

If you:

compulsively follow rules relating to your veganism, and harshly punish yourself, either physically or mentally, for ever accidentally deviating from them?

have extreme anxiety over the possibility of compromising your veganism, either on purpose or accidentally?

bury yourself in research about the benefits of veganism and the detriments of other diets (eg. obsessively watch incendiary animal welfare videos, despite knowing that they trigger you; obsessively research and collect vegan recipes and read vegan lifestyle blogs in a way that goes beyond being enthusiastic about cooking as a hobby; etc.)?

have rules relating to veganism which get harsher and harsher over time (eg. only eating backyard eggs -> never eating any eggs; only eating ethically sourced honey -> never eating any honey; reducing your processed sugar consumption -> obsessively cutting all processed foods out of fear of accidentally consuming sugar with bone fragments; promoting veganism as a positive lifestyle choice -> feeling like you’re not doing enough unless you actively attack all diets which are less restrictive than your own, etc.)?

are losing weight to a noticeable and continuing degree, even after your body should have adjusted to your new diet?

have problems in your social relationships due to your diet to a degree which is impacting your mental well-being?

are convinced that your self-worth and value as a person is intrinsically tied to your diet, and that any deviations from your specific vegan diet will make you worthless as a person?

Please talk to your doctor about orthorexia, and consider seeing a specialist. Eating disorders are serious, and can be deadly, and orthorexia is one of the most under-diagnosed eating disorders because people often do not notice that it has developed until they are extremely malnourished and have done permanent damage to their physical and mental health. 

Veganism isn’t the problem per se. Lots of vegans can live perfectly healthy lifestyles. But the danger with orthorexia is specifically the fact that none of the justifications for it are inherently bad. You can have a perfectly good rationale for what you’re doing when you start, and then your mental illness will slowly boil the frog, cutting food after food and creating new rationalization after new rationalization, until where you end up is literally killing you. And that’s the same no matter how you get there.

Gym bunnies who develop orthorexia by dramatically cutting carbs and worrying over their macros in a way that just happens to result in them eating half the calories that they should be getting? Well, there’s nothing inherently wrong with body building! Health food obsessives who cut category after category of food over fear of GMOs and pesticides and contamination? Well, there’s nothing inherently wrong with leaning organic! People who want to avoid food produced through human exploitation, who start by buying fair trade coffee and chocolate, and then eventually expand what human exploitation they’re worried about until they can’t shop at any normal grocery store, and can’t eat at any restaurant or any friend’s house under any circumstances? Refusing to support exploitation is a good thing! But pull the curtain back on these explanations and what you actually have is a disordered brain doing everything it possibly can to starve itself, without ever consciously admitting that that’s the goal.

If your veganism is starting to cause severe disruptions in your life, either physically, mentally, or socially, see a doctor.

[defiantsuggestions]

Having a child is a long term commitment to a heavy, heavy responsibility which demands energy, attention, and time.

To have a child is to bring an entire person into the world. This person can not consent to this. This person is inherently vulnerable, hardwired to depend on you, and must be taught the skills neccessary to one day care for themself.

When you have a child, that child’s well being is entirely on you. It’s your job to keep them safe, to keep them fed, cloathed, and happy. It’s your job to make sure they feel loved.

When you choose to have a child, you are signing up to spend years and years of resources on that child. That is your choice. The child was not alive and could not agree to your decision to drag them out of the void of nonexistence. The child was not asked if they wanted to experience an entire lifetime of conciousness, and all of the potential suffering and agony that comes with that.

That decision is entirely that of the parent who has made the choice to have a child.

You are not “granting the gift of life.” You are not doing this hypothetical child a favor by having them. You are doing this for you, because you wanted to be a parent. You wanted to have the experience of raising a child.

This means that if you have a child, you owe that child. You owe them time, and love, and safety, and care. You asked for this, it is now your responsibly to follow through.

Children are not a toy. They aren’t a fancy new car for you to parade to your friends. They aren’t a fashion accessory for you to put on the shelf when you lose interest. They aren’t a mini you. They aren’t a magic cure-all to your trauma, and they aren’t there to fill some void in your chest.

They are a vulnerable person who is easily abused and neglected and who will be at your mercy throughout much of their development period.

A parent owes their child. Failing to follow through with the responsibility they signed up for is a failing on the parent’s part. Making the child feel guilty for the crime of existing is the fault of the parent. A child is never a burden.

Abusive and neglectful parents are failures as parents. They could not do the bare basics of what the job entails and then they blame the child for a crime that the parents themselves committed.

[hex-360a1b]

i saw this post on facebook and i love it tbh. it helps regulate calm deep breathing.

[jacobfryetrash-deactivated20171]

Try this out!

[elodieunderglass]

How do you do so much with three children? I have one (admittedly very, very young) child and I feel like I'm caring for him actively at all times and scrambling to do anything else. What is your secret??

There are a few!

Some are my deepest secrets, so please be kind, okay?

1. You're in the trenches - don't judge yourself right now. Caring for your first very young kid is a massive expansion of capacity/capability and represents a learning curve in which you are scrambling to level up while the game constantly changes parameters. It's tiring. However, you ARE levelling up - and as you do so, your kid will be levelling up too. You can and will be clever and energetic again. I wanted you to know this. The secret: you have to level up fast and hard when your first kid is very young.

2. I do a lot of things, but you don't always know the quality to which I do them! While people on the internet DEFINITELY expect EVERYTHING that YOU do must be of the ABSOLUTE HIGHEST STANDARD, most people on the internet are very unclear about the standards to which they hold themselves! I recently finished a quilt for a child - it is a delightful quilt that makes the child happy, but no two edges are square! I'm a poor-quality quilter. Sure, I am a working parent who finished a quilt - but it doesn't mean it's a show-quality quilt. The Secret: most people don’t share the quality of their endeavours - anyone can appear to do a lot of things if they do them all badly! - so don't judge yourself by standards of people who aren’t sharing theirs. The converse of this is: If you are overwhelmed, you can usually drop quantity or quality.

3. Okay, so some things are stacked against me: my spouse is disabled, I don’t live on the same continent as my birth family, my in-laws are in their 80s, and I never have any bloody money. But i do have a decent serious day job and some support networks. I can often ask local people for in-person help that I need, like walking my kids to school, and I have just enough money to pay for things that help me, like #4. Secret: money and friendship can tape over a lot of small cracks that would otherwise lead to big cracks. Most people NEVER admit to having EITHER… but most parents have one or the other.

4. We do have various avenues of help, ranging from paid childcare to flexible working, and even paying professionals for things around the home and garden, even if I can technically do a lot of things myself. Even though I'm strong and skilled and physically able, I don't spend all my days chopping wood and carrying water. I own a robot vacuum and an air fryer. The secret: Where possible, we spend money to buy free time.

5. People who are legitimately entitled to my attention never feel they get quite enough of it. Probably the only ones who do are Dr Glass (for whom I stay up late every night so he feels he gets time with me; see 6) and Mouse (for whom I get up early, ditto.) my older children would definitely love it if I spent more time attentively lying on the floor playing Playmobil with them. Work would quite like me to consistently Exceed Expectations. EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD WISHES I WAS MORE RESPONSIVE TO MESSAGES (take a number! No, literally, please take a number.) secret: I am definitely not doing everything. and everyone I have ever interacted with would probably prefer if I gave more attention to their priorities.

6. I am not sleeping much at the moment. I sleep about 6 hours a night. Secret: I sleep less than is recommended for health, let alone happiness. That's not good.

7. Threaded through all of this is prioritisation. I certainly sacrifice sleep for “writing.” However, I also don’t do low-priority things AT ALL. I don’t sit down to watch television. I don’t play video games or mobile apps. I don’t wander around in circles. I don’t scroll Instagram or Reddit, and I am not reading books that don’t interest me. I’m usually multitasking, and am usually either doing high-priority tasks or things that are HEALING AND FUN (drawing horsies.) where possible, i offload and delegate, and where not possible, I apologise. Sometimes people kindly recommend me books, films, music, etc - it will literally be a case of, "I can pencil in listening to that on Wednesday." Secret: I don’t do a lot of lowkey “decompression” activities / hobbies. On the one hand, I free up a lot of time by not going on Reddit. On the other, people decompress to relieve pressure, which is a luxury I don't have.

8. I quite likely have crippling ADHD, but I’m also quite high-capacity, so I just run permanently in a really high gear with little downtime or rest as my operational state. Secret: my shoulders are broad, but most people would probably prefer to drop hobbies/standards.

9. Secret: Multiple children can be easier to care for than just one. Just one child wants all your attention. Multiple children play together or can be led through activities. I often offer to have my neighbour kids over because this makes all the children happier and easier to care for (and I receive the reciprocal favour.) note this when you need to take your kid to the park (awful by yourself, lovely with a friend.)

10. Secret: bigger kids honestly do better with certain impressive-sounding activities. It sounds impossible to make jam with three kids, but it’s literally easier than watching TV with them. Making jam is an activity where every child can be given an important task. Mouse (2) washed cherry-plums for a full half-hour. Bug (5) could have pitted cherries all day (the best way to pit large volumes of things like cherry-plums is to squeeze them in your hand and pull out the stone with your fingers.) Bear (8) could sort bad cherry-plums with reasonably good judgment, and could be trusted to stir hot jam, watch the numbers on the scale, and other literate tasks. This is (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) much easier to project manage, even in a cramped little kitchen like ours, than trying to find a television show they all like. Any household task that can include a Kid Job module is gold dust in terms of childcare/entertainment. You can also invent them if you don’t have any. It’s super hard to keep Mouse out of the kitchen when I’m in it, so Mouse does a lot of small invented jobs, like “washing things that don’t need washing” or “chopping cucumber with a butter knife.” Stuff like “doing crafts” or “having an allotment” or “camping” or “visiting attractions” ditto - crafts, travel, and gardening may sound impressive, but are all things that have lots of little tasks that can really absorb kids. Secret 10b: there will be some activities with your kids, especially as they get older, that you quite like doing. Your kid may never exactly become a HELP, and it’s not likely that all of your interests will mesh, but it does count as quality time + hobby time for you.

11. There’s a saying, “With your first kid, you need lots of help. With your second kid, you get by okay. But with your third kid, you help others.” It does get easier with time. But parenting requires skills. It makes a material difference that I’ve already experienced (and learned from) a lot of specific challenges. It would be upsetting if I hadn’t! You would EXPECT someone in their late 30s with 8 years of parenting experience to have some apparently-successful coping mechanisms and a few success markers. The alternative would be unspeakably depressing. We should EXPECT some things to stack, some powers to develop, some skills to grow, and our own characters to deepen, strengthen and evolve. The secret: skills take time to learn, but they do accumulate, and it should be noticeable when someone has spent time collecting them. Parenting may never get easier - life may never get easier - but ideally we will be developing our own character alongside these challenges, and facing them with ever-more maturity! We aren’t done growing yet either.

12. The secret: My kids are pretty easy. I've been lucky. I wouldn't have had any past the first if it had been miserable.

There are a lot of secrets. People don't talk about them. I hope that hearing about my secrets is something of a help, and helps you feel better about yourself. I think you're at a very hard point, and that it will probably be better. You're being very brave, and doing very well. You'll get somewhere good soon.

[bluering8]

listen to me, this is so so important: you've gotta get used to really giving it your 60% as a default. like don't half-ass it necessarily but try not to go over 70% or so of an ass. you'll feel better and live a happier more fulfilled life, and on the rare occasions where you do need to lock the fuck in you'll be able to pull off bullshit that the sad miserable wretches giving it their 100% can never dream off, because they're busy draining themselves dry and you have energy reserves to spare.

[smokingchagga]

This is actually what I was adviced to do at the work rehabilitation program I went to. Hasn't left my mind since. 10/10 solid advice

[everythingstarstuff]

[kaedien]

boot up, Bitch

[izhunny]

That reply is unexpectedly inspirational.

[weiwei-uplink]

[sillyman-justgoofy]

this chart except the entire thing is just fuck it we ball

[cyrantonthecold-deactivated2025]

I've got both the "fuck it we ball" version and the extended one here!

[the-haiku-bot]

I’ve got both the “fuck

it we ball” version and the

extended one here!

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[thepoisonroom]

loudly going "YOU'RE GOOD YOU'RE GOOD" to myself to ward off the memory of every embarrassing thing i've ever done

[elmerseason-deactivated-deactiv]

[0gl1tch0]

I actually learned a fun therapy trick for this!

The statute of limitations on arson is 6 years.

So whenever I remember an embarrassing or shameful thing I’ve done, I ask myself if it was worse than arson. If it wasn’t, and it was 6 or more years ago, I forgive myself.

Also just the comedic shock of going “well, that was a stupid and mean thing I said, but 6 years is the statute of limitations on arson” helps.

[cheaphalloweencostume]

i’m gonna say something that doesn’t feel good but you might need to hear it: bending over backwards being a people-pleaser, being conflict averse and not telling anyone your needs, and then being resentful and upset when your needs aren’t met is a You problem first

[cheaphalloweencostume]

not related but also just good advice: when you’re lowkey frustrated with someone and can’t quite figure out why their behavior is bothering you, i highly recommend examining if they have broken an imaginary rule or standard that you hold yourself to

[nudityandnerdery]

[vaspider]

Look. The way you ask for a refill?

Sometimes, what you need to do is literally ask for a refill. I know that can be scary and upsetting and requires you to be willing to be vulnerable, but please consider two things:

One: if what you want to do is be able to fill other people's cups, you can't fill from an empty cup. You literally can't do the work if you're emptied out. You need to do this so you can help.

Two: for the people that love you, the people that really matter, you aren't imposing on them by asking for a refill. This is one of the things I really internalized from coming home to Judaism: when someone asks me to help them, they're giving me the opportunity to perform a mitzvah. No matter your belief system or outlook, I think we can probably all agree that being given an opportunity to be more awesome is pretty great.

So ask. Here are a few scripts you can try.

"Hey, I am...

... having a bad day.

... really struggling.

... really hurting because of the state of the world.

... having a hard time focusing on positive things.

... feeling emptied out.

Could you please help me? I could really use...

... some company.

... to hear about something beautiful you saw today.

... to hear some good news.

... to see a picture of your pet.

... to be told something you like about me.

... to be reminded of something I do that you like.

... your silliest new meme.

... to go for a walk with you.

... to hear about your favorite show.

... a hug."

I have genuinely never asked my friends to love me a little bit louder and gotten anything but an outpouring of support.

People love you and want to take care of you. All you have to do is give them an opportunity and maybe tell them the best way to love you right now.

[cincoflex]

I need to share this.

I need to remind people they too can ask me for a refill.

We are stronger together.