I have some thoughts I want to vent about my identity, and I'm not inherently asking for advice or speculation, I just want to cycle through some stuff.
I've been having very frequent romantic fantasies within the last few months despite being aroace. Like usually when I'm trying to fall asleep, or I'm listening to a romantic song or I'm frankly really bored and I don't know why.
Most of my fantasies before now weren't romantic at all and now they are and it's just- weird. And confusing. They're fantasies exclusively. About. Me. And they're very thorough/Intimate
A part of me thinks it's just my brain's way of coping with my crippling self loaving and my desperation for love and validation in general, because I've had that issue for awhile. Like Thinking about being hit on or cat called or even down right harassed, its honestly pretty fucked up and I'm working on it, I swear.
The only thing stumping me there is that those issues aren't new? Like at all. Why am I only thinking about that stuff now?
It also doesn't help that I've always been insecure about being Aro. Ik I'm valid, ik I'm in my own head, it's just with how glossy and wonderful people make other queer identities sound it's hard to not feel less than. I'll often fill in my identity as bi instead of Aro in my head because it just makes me feel less icky.
Idk. I know it's all probably natural. I know I'm in my own head. It's just all- difficult. Like when I think about that stuff actually happening I get yk, a knot in my chest, I don't enjoy it then, it's just. It feels very real and genuine when I'm thinking about it.
I'm tired.
