After Africa...
From the backseat of the car…
“Mom, after Africa, can we go to China?”
Oh, good, he knows we won’t be living here forever…but China??
“Oh…what’s in China, babe?”
“Panda’s…and maybe we can rent a really big hut to live in.”
Rent…ha! When we were leaving Bermuda, Rome learned the difference between owning a house, and renting – “We’ve been borrowing our house from Jennie, the really nice lady who let us pay her to live here. Because houses are expensive, and…” you know the rest. But I liked that he understood the concept of renting a house versus owning one. (Other than one house in my childhood, we always rented growing up. Owning a house was for “rich people”.)
But really this conversation was about “When we leave Africa”. (Yeah, yeah…we just got here! Ha!) But more so, the impermanency of where we are living, and how Rome looked at this as a normal way of living. (Because it IS a normal way of living!). But it isn’t for a lot of other people, so I get the question a LOT – Aren’t you worried about stability? “You have no stability in your life…” “I really think kids need stability” in a nagging voice just because… “Moving isn’t good for kids…” - a lot of opinions that I’m going to pretend come from curiosity rather than judgement, as they are often from people who haven’t moved (internationally) a lot themselves – including myself. Yes, I judge myself – but I’ll tell you why.
We only know what we experience. I was born and raised in a small town in Southwestern Ontario and although we moved a lot through my childhood within that town, I didn’t leave that town until I was 19 for university. That’s what I knew – and I was lucky for many things! I was close with my cousins growing up. We were friends with our neighbors. I was a competitive figure skater, so for 6 years I had my skating friends, a consistent network of friends. And I’m very grateful for it. But if you could have given me the exciting life of travel Rome is living in, I would have taken it in a heartbeat! I dreamed of travel, never believing it was something I would be able to afford to do.
“No matter what you do, you’re going to screw up your kids.” – says a friend. And she’s right. What if I DO give him all this, and he comes back one day and says, “Well…I wish I had THAT (what you had).” It very well can happen. Only time will tell.
So that’s a little background on WHY I’m so in tune with what stability looks like for Rome.
But what is the opposite of stability? One might think instability – duh…but could it be…adaptability? (A skill many adults don’t even have…)
What does stability mean to you? Does it mean always having the SAME? The same house, the same school, the same routine, the SAME friends, the same traditions…where does that leave space for exercising out adaptability muscle? Where does it leave space for learning and growth? (Asked with curiosity, not judgement ;) )
I think the greatest gift he can get from this (other than a global perspective of the world and a sh*t ton of fun with his mom and blended family), is actually, adaptability.
A podcast once told me that me that TRUE security only comes from within. So does STABILITY. For example, if you feel secure because of your job (working for someone else) – what if someone takes your job away? They take away your security? How is that secure? So your true security comes from your skills. Skills you can take with you anywhere. True security can’t be taken away from you.
Similarly, if you feel stable only because everything is the same and nothing is changing, is that really stability at all? If you are confident that everywhere you go, you can handle yourself, make friends, have conversations with new faces, feel comfortable in any type of culture (when no one speaks your language), but you know you’re good – isn’t that true stability. Stability that comes from within and goes with you no matter where you are because you create it yourself.
For kids, I say that I’M his stability. The people he is with are his stability. His family’s presence whether physically or on FaceTime is his stability. Knowing he can go retreat to his same bedroom every night for 18 years (although, having a safe space to be private is important – and he has that.), is not.
Moving schools, neighbourhoods and friends groups sounds “stressful” to people that haven’t tended to do that (or didn’t have good experiences doing it, to be fair). But it’s exciting to others…especially you grow up with it as your normal.
With our ability to communicate with ANYONE we love these days , why does being surrounded by new faces have to make us stressed? There is a comfort in seeing the same people all the time, but it doesn’t have to mean new situations are uncomfortable. They are only uncomfortable until they’re not anymore…
Life is just one big journey of expanding your radius of what’s comfortable. That’s stability.
Friends? When I moved to Bermuda, I only had friends in Canada. After leaving Bermuda, I still have my best friends from Canada, but amazing friends in Bermuda, England, the US, France, South Africa, Zimbabwe… Rome’s got a way earlier head start on me for that!
Routine? If stability comes from routine, going to school is a routine. Wherever we are, he can go to school every day...Coming home every afternoon to Mom, that’s stability. That's what he can count on, no matter where we are.
Another thing that might help (I think ?), is putting him into sports that are international. Football, swimming, etc, sports and activities that you can take anywhere else in the world with you, that way there will always be a little community you can join to meet new people and have familiarity with your sport/activity.
To be fair - this type of living might be different if Rome had a different personality. But hey, we're open to whatever comes our way. We’re going with the flow. Should it really not be working for any of us, we can ADAPT. Or as they say in Zimbabwe, “We’ll make a plan.”
Because I am human, sometimes I’m defensive to peoples questioning of my style of living, even though I wouldn’t choose otherwise. Holding on to my core values always helps shake that initial defensiveness off. Also, the reminder that you don’ know what you don’t know, and most people don’t know what expat life is like. Most people are scared of it. Because...it isn’t “stable”...
Our plan is to start in Zim for about 3 years…if you were wondering…no further questions at this time. Thanks! (HA!)