This time Beebo is stealing the whole him instead of only his Arkenstone. They are chibified so I could draw this idea quickly, because I need to work on commissions. And I still haven't brainstormed on original dwarven space suits.
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This time Beebo is stealing the whole him instead of only his Arkenstone. They are chibified so I could draw this idea quickly, because I need to work on commissions. And I still haven't brainstormed on original dwarven space suits.
you know what?? Fuck you. *Tuna salads your sandwich*
if I had a Glock that shit would have keychains on it that jingled when I shot yo ass
Throwback to when I thought Beyoncé was RuPaul's drag persona because I was a horrible and decrepit five year old
i will gladly haunt someone's enemy or a house you just have to kill me first
*said in the voice of nat geo narrator Sir David Attenborough* this creature has hit absolute rock bottom and has begun to show signs of digging.
*cut to me looking sadly at the orange I thought was an apple at three am caffeinated out of my mind, woefully wondering when the adrenaline will wear off and I suffer the bitter regret of taking a massive bite of orange peel and white sadness*
don’t you love it when you break up with someone as civilly and calmly as you can even though they pissed you off and they still send back an entire paragraph of insults 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Which one were you growing up?
wolf kid
horse kid
dragon kid
A kid losing a video game, and getting their big brother to beat it for them, as seen from an npc’s perspective
Fangs dripping venom that sizzled on the dirt, barely missing his scrambling feet as he tore away. Massive talons the size of a heifter curling ominously, stemming from thick, meaty paws covered in rough reptilian scales. Hissing snakes sprouting from the beast's head in a thick tangle that made him sick to watch. Snarling, snapping maw and large, dragon-like wings thundering down to rile the earth below and press on his eardrums like mallets.
It wasn't often that Kampé came to play, but when she did, the world cowered in terror.
His peaceful little village of Level One Hundred was just that- peaceful. It was calm, collected, albeit a bit strange in layout and architecture, but it was his home.
Then the stranger came. Her clothes and armor were strange and bright, her hair whipped around by some invisible force, and her eyes were too bright.
She knew something they didn't, but no one dared asked her what.
Suspicious of the possibility that the stranger was some god in disguise, they had left her to jump around on the buildings to collect the odd glowing items his elders had foretold were placed there by the ancients. Long ago his curiosity for them was stamped out, and he had lived in naive oblivion to them until her arrival.
But with her vulgar appearance, so different than the steady atmosphere of his home, she had brought with her worse things.
And she could not fight them.
Try in vain as she might, her battle with the monster that ripped and tore and hurt, ended bittersweetly as her body faded softly into the background, contrast stark to the wild entrance in which she came.
The town did not mourn her, and there was no body to bury. They only rejoiced in that her own loss had brought about the disappearance of their monster.
And life returned to normal.
A pane of thin glass that soon shattered.
With the shards came a new stranger.
And he was different.
Not in the tawdry way of the first stranger. He was not vulgar in nature or even, really, strange- as she had been.
He was all too familiar.
As the beast rose again, screaming through the cracked ground as fire flew up from her amassed form, he did not flinch. He showed no fear, as she has.
And the speed at which he vanquished the horror was a monster in itself.
Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo we’ve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and it’s revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.
Might I add:
The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed
The woman who raised the changeling alongside her biological child
The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
The adventures of a space roomba
Cinderella finding Araura (and falling in love)
I don’t know a snappy description but the my nemesis cynthia story certainly lives in my head
hilariously, these are almost all in my fic tag. so, a compiled list from the notes (and some extras):
The God of Arepo (graphic novel 1 / 2 / 3) (ebook)
The Monster of Sentan
The Witch’s Cat
Raise Both Children
Stabby the Roomba (honorable mention)
Cinderella Marries the Prince (comic)
My Arch Nemesis Cynthia
Pirates and Mermaid
Eindred and the Witch
The Demon King
The Cornerwitch
Grandmother Beetroot
Apocalypse Daycare Worker
Grandmother Accidentally Summons a Demon
New Year Saga
A Story About Changelings
Ranger in the King’s Forest
The Difference Between a Hare and a Rabbit
Goblin Men (Canines)
I am in love with you /p
Adding Faceblind Prince Charming and Cinderella
21. The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
22. The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how they’d be to be executed
adding the Doctors Without Borders one
I LOVE tumblr storytime, so here’s a bunch more your weekend reading. Enjoy!
24. The Queen with Three Cursed Children
25. Tiny Dragon with one coin hoard
26. Haunted house
27. Shark hero was about to go rogue
28. Grandma lives in the woods comic
29. A Different Aftermath comic
30. Battery (microstory but I love it so much)
31. It’s A Date comic
32. Supervillian kidnaps rival’s kid and they want to stay
33. Narrative Town
34. I have been hired to clean the wizard tower comic
35. Robot Apocalypse
36. The Statues That Do Not Weather
37. Kushiel
38. Tooth Fairy
39. Alien abduction
40. Felonious wish-granting
41. When humans met actual space orcs
42. Space cousins
WAIT REBLOG THIS VERSION INSTEAD
The Supervillain Wrangler definitely needs to be on this list.
tumblr lore rules- any writer or anyone on this sight at all needs this. Quit telling the Twitter and Reddit chillrin how to be on the site and just send them these
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?” “Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.” “What, the molten rock?” “Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–” “You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?” “Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.
“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?” “Those worthless rocks? Yeah.” “80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”
“I’m telling you, they terraform for fun!” “Don’t be ridiculous” “No, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilp’s sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.” “Dear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?” “Psh, they’d probably pay for the privilege.”
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think it’s fun to be sent to horrible planets! They’re really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! It’s genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of ‘taming’ and ‘habitable’ are woefully incomplete.
“Why did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?” Grahssk’ti moans, clutching one limb.
“Those?” The human laughs. “Why bother? They’re not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.”
Grahssk’ti shudders. The ‘mosquitoes’ are… not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
“And the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?”
“I mean, they’re annoying,” the human says, shrugging, “but we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.”
Grahssk’ti flails helplessly. “What about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!”
“They’re so cute!” the human says, brightening. “Have you met mine? Her name is Spot!”
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered “completely and utterly inhospitable - it would be folly to try and settle there.”
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because “Fuck You That’s Why.” It doesn’t matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.
“This moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft - by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-” ‘OH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! I’m totally going to build a castle there.’ “What. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.” ‘Which will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.’ “….you….you are going to die, you know this right?” ‘I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?’
“Listen, lad. I’ve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was molten magma. All those aliens said I was daft to build a castle on a molten planet, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into the magma. So, I built a second one. That sank into the magma. So I built a third one. That spontaneously combusted, turned to ash, then sank into the magma. But the fourth one stayed up. An’ that’s what your gonna get, lad – the strongest castle in this solar system.”
“I’m gonna need for you to explain ‘hurricane parties’ to me again. You humans have the technology to track these apocalyptic storms of wind and rain and predict where on the landmass they’ll hit up to a week in advance. And you…have social gatherings during them?”
“Well yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength. Then it’s time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.”
“Oh good. Category 3 is what again? Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?”
“No no, Category 3 starts at 175 kilometers per hour. You left off the one.”
I’m sure I’ve reblogged some version of this before, but I needed the STRONGEST CASTLE IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM on my blog.
“This planet is so cool!”
“It’s a planet completely made of ice.”
“Yeah! Let’s send some scientists! Or I could be the youngest person there!”
“You’d die, it’s below freezing level!”
“But the blizzards are so pretty!”
“The storms of dEATH ARE NOT PRETTY!”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
“No, of course not. Nobody ‘sent’ anyone, they just went up there on their own.”
“They WHAT?”
Oh my fuck nuggets, the actual thread
@hellsite-hall-of-fame
I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR THIS THREAD FOR MONTHS
This is truly amazing. I love humans.
@hellsite-hall-of-fame
I remember reading this post chain long before I wrote on this site. Always reblog the OG humans are weird/space Australians post.
ALWAYS REBLOG, ALWAYS AND FOREVER LIVE OG POST
What Should I Write?
short story based
more HASO/crazy human short stories
My own ocs/universes short stories
Humans Are Space Orcs- Inhospitable Environments
⋆dedicated to @jhomikle⋆
Captain Giristlo had one major goal as leader of xeir ship, the Stargazer.
The safety and happiness of all of xeir crewmates.
So when xey had caught Human Owen and Durran, xeir two resident humans, arguing about something called a "television", xey had been curious. The argument had apparently been about a show that appeared on this television device. When the ship next docked, Giristlo had ordered one of these 'televisions", hoping this might settle the argument.
When xey gave it to the humans, they were very excited. Soon enough, they had it up and running in their quarters. When they were on break, Giristlo could walk by and hear it running.
Soon, Giristlo's curiosity overcame xem and xey asked to watch one of these "shows" with the humans.
Human Owen and Human Durran sat xem down to watch "something simple." As the logo flashed across the television, the translator clipped it to "National Geographic." *
Giristlo watched with great interest as the episode tracked two Hikers (Human John and Human Sarah) who were taking a trek up a mountain on Earth called "Everest".
Giristlo's interest soon turned to horror as xey beheld the conditions of the mountain. Show after show on this "channel" revealed even more horrible conditions like a "desert" or a "rainforest." Xey had heard of planets with these features before, but had never seen sentients actively try and brave them.
"Why does your species challenge your nature? This is seriously dangerous work, Human Owen and Human Durran!"
"Well, because it's an adventure! It's fun!"
*not sponsored by Nat Geo. I wish.*
i think I stepped in some irritating plant bc my toes are itchy and it's bothering the hell outta me
Human crewmate: *drops a dish and it breaks* damn it.
Alien crewmate: Are you okay? Why did you drop that?
Human: I have an autoimmune disorder that affects my joints, and sometimes my hands are very painful and just give out and I drop things.
Alien crewmate: What is an 'autoimmune disorder?'
Human crewmate: You know how humans are hard to get sick with space illnesses? That's because of our immune systems, but sometimes our immune systems go haywire and attack our own bodies, making us sick and sometimes destroying parts of our body permanently.
Alien crewmate: You mean one of your adaptations that makes you basically unkillable can hurt you instead?? Your body attacks itself?!
Human crewmate: Yeah there's a lot of different types of autoimmune disorders, too. And they're constantly discovering more.
Alien crewmate: there's more than one way for your body to destroy itself?? What kind of a world is so violent that one's very body could attack oneself?
Human crewmate: yeah it sucks but what can you do? Doctors don't even really care. If you have a rare one they'll just tell you 'sometimes that happens' and not help you figure out which one it is.
Alien crewmate: what the fuck?! They just don't care about this massive malfunction of your biology?! I'm taking you to a Lixinian doctor. They take their oaths seriously.
Human crewmate: yeah if you say so.
Immune systems are crazy and while they protect the hell out of us it's scary how much they could do
The stomach acid inside you right now could burn through your stomach, organs, bones, and skin in very short time of it weren't for the mucus inside coating the walls.
Of your immune system knew your eyes were there, it would attack and destroy them, permanently affecting or destroying your vision. You can go blind from your immune system destroying your eyes. People have before.
The immune system remembers each and every single one of the germs it has defeated.
Food for thought
*crouches to go into stealth*
the cracking of my knees alerts the guards, I am immediately killed
Fireflies- Humans Are Space Orcs
also a quick psa that some people don't have fireflies where they live, please go post pictures/videos/gifs of fireflies so everyone can see their whimsical beauty because everyone deserves that small breath of fantasy
Human Owen and Human Durran pulled Giristlo's tentacle, tugging xem along so xey could go faster. Giristlo was not a fast creature, but Humans had a certain element of eternal impatience that drove them to be fast. Xey clicked xeir jaws in amusement, Giristlo rarely saw Human Durran this bright or Human Owen this- well, Human Owen was always bright. But there was a different aura to his energy now that Human Durran was excited as well.
The crew had landed on Earth for the first time in many, many cycles. Human Owen's date of birth had been celebrated earlier that "week" (earthing time measure) and this was their last night on planet.
Giristlo had been told little about where xier human crew mates were dragging xem, other than it was some earth insect xey needed to see.
Giristlo slid off the ramp from their shop onto the ground, and Human Durran ran to the transportation vehicle common to Earth and pulled Human Owen into the passenger seat. They frantically gestured for Giristlo to get on the backseat, which xey did after some light squeezing.
The ride was short, filled by excited voices and chatter from the humans, and they neared the end as Human Durran pulled off into a dimly lit road. Soon, Human Owen turned back to Giristlo and told xem to cover their many eyes for the surprise. Xey were soon pulled out of the vehicle, eyes still covered, and Human Durran called for Human Owen to turn off the "headlights".
"Okay, Cap." Human Durran's voice was even quieter than usual.
Giristlo barely had time to readjust xeir tentacles before xey were struck immobile by the sheer beauty of what xey saw.
Thousands of tiny spots of light lit the lush field around xem.
"what..." The normally quiet buzz of xeir translator was suddenly overbearing and vulgar. Xey hesitated, then switched it off.
Using the English they had been learning, xey whispered out-
"what is this?"
Human Durran smiled, plopping down onto the ground with Human Owen. His eyes reflected the light, as did Human Owen's.
"fireflies."