Professional Trophy Husband With Pretentious Taste

A collection of all my favorite Posts from all my favorite Things. and occasionally where I complain.

[the-big-mood]

At Toba aquarium in Japan, after closing time, some clever little otter pups help their grandpa tidy up their toys. As a reward, he gives them ice cubes

[taxi-boi]

every time someone treats Feeling Love™ as Political Praxis i want to beam this whole Moses Sumney quote into their head

[doglike]

When i worked for the forest service my coworker jordans ex girlfriend would mail him ziploc bags of half smoked hand rolled cigarettes because she only liked the taste of the first half and we would smoke her lipstick stained rollies on the shore of some crystal clear glacial lake and our coworkers called us big red and lil red and one time we had to shoot our injured horse in the head and blow up the body with dynamite and this fine pink mist floated so soft and slow in the beams of sunlight coming through the hemlocks and later that night we got a jug of wine and laid in the grass under a sky with more stars than id ever seen before or since and jordan told me about how he spent 25k on alcohol the year before and how he watched a guy blow his head off playing russian roulette and how he used to chase antelopes in wyoming as a kid and never caught one and of course he didnt but he said that explains his whole life. But jordan didnt call me lil red he called me virginia and ive never loved a nickname more and i think about him everytime i smoke a hand rolled cigarette and everytime i see a horse with a bald face and everytime i take a big fat line and remember im also just a dumb kid thats never gonna catch the antelopes

[kivalt]

Radio

[amerlcanapparel-deactivated2020]

when she says she doesn’t send nudes

[straighthater]

when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudes

[timelordpillbug]

when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia

[hikingnerd]

When Russia sends you nudes

[dr-thackery]

[dismantlerepaired]

[ilovepretzelrods]

[thegingerbalrog]

[onwardwall]

[miss-jaxon-flaxon-waxon]

#what the fuck happened here

[her-eyes-dared-me-with-danger]

This is my favorite post in all of tumblr

[kyloschuyler]

reminder that this post is now illegal in Russia

[tree-of-blue-squirrel]

reblog it, because Russia can´t

[maradaisykat]

Thanks Obama 

[my-sisters-eyeball]

Wtf

[roomba-with-knives-taped-to-it]

When Russia makes this post illegal

[earthnicity]

I HAVE ONLY SEEN THIS IN SCREENSHOTS

[dovahdez]

I will reblog this every goddamn time I find it on my dash

[a-wondering-thought-deactivated]

I have a piece of tumblr history on my blog now

[hellsitegenetics]

String identified: atgctactttaatcaaaaattcaTattattatttgaagtcaacatTaaataattgaATCTgtgattaaacttg

Closest match: Bombyx mori BmN4 cell DNA, chromosome 24, sequence Common name: Domestic Silk Moth

(image source)

[willifolts]

When the domestic silk moth sends you nudes

[scp-threats-is-back]

Domestic silk moth is just being friendly

[yoink-a-doink]

Now the moth is banned in Russia

[fantasylover4538]

…well what the fuck is this

[kingofkaumidy2]

Art.

[shower-thoughts-last-responder]

[sodom-hussein]

Old iconic tumblr posts gather gimmick blog comments the way DNA mutations accumulate over time

[starmaker-astral]

This is why I love tumblr

[mimosa-sex-tea-people-contrsf]

When the DNA mutations send you nudes

[probuccalfat]

ugly people fuck all the time they’ve been fucking since the dawn of time so if you’re ugly and you’re not fucking that’s kind of on you

[mevil]

[donnatartlet]

[elexecution]

forcemasc posting but it says stuff about becoming an uncle

[make-haste-with-the-roses]

Yesterday a man told me he was the most whimsical person he knows because he spontaneously decided to get into fishing.

Everyone check in on the men in your lives the corporations are doing diabolical things to them

[communistkenobi]

you really don’t get posts like this on tumblr

[toiich]

Girl on the Couch - Pang Xunqin, 1930s

[iwilleatyourenglish]

sorry what was that

oh okay

[chestnuthorse]

[homunculus-argument]

Sometimes when I really hate the way I look, I go online and look up prices of plastic surgery. That gives me perspective on okay I don't hate it that much, I'm just gonna go give myself a haircut.

[materassassino]

But also do you really want to look like someone who had plastic surgery?

[homunculus-argument]

Well it's a choice between that and looking like my mom.

[danideer-skull]

I got lucky and ended up looking more like my dad.

[homunculus-argument]

I'd still be considering plastic surgery if I looked like my dad.

[windsylphide]

I don't know if this could help, but have you considered that some of the features you hate about yourself are loved by those you care about?

[homunculus-argument]

I am loved despite of my looks, personality, incoherent sentence structures and horrid cooking.

[superhero-justice]

My sister was very self-conscious of how she looked until she had a daughter that looked just like her.

[homunculus-argument]

Good for her. I come from a long line of people who failed to fix and heal their parents. This curse ends with me.

[make-haste-with-the-roses]

If you want to not look like ur parents dying hair and wearing colored contact lenses works wonders

[dogrotpdf]

MISS YOU. WANT TO GET NOODLES WITH YOU. DISREGARD THIS, After Gabrielle Calvocoressi, by Lev St. Valentine

[langernameohnebedeutung]

the 'how big is your english vocabulary' test dropped new ship dynamics

[anthonycolonthree]

(guy who's not getting anything done voice) I need to learn every skill and all information