Confused

21 F | Neet | Fandom Freak | BPD

[evsmystery]

A trans son is better than a dead daughter btw

[strawberryburnout]

Unfortunately my family thinks these two things are basically the same soooo I’m not processing these feelings and figuring out what I am until I’m out of here

[strawberryburnout]

This account has turned into my rant and politics account atm but boy I am TIRED of going out with my boyfriend and being addressed like he isn’t even there because he’s Asian and I’m white. I dated another man of color a ways back (he was horrible, unrelated to his race bc it was the white half of his family that influenced him that way, took a longggg break from dating after that until my bf now) and I’d forgotten how often that shit happens. He’s right fucking there next to me, why are you only looking at me and speaking to me.

I’d throw more of a fit over it except that might put him in danger with how trigger happy people are abt calling ICE (doubly because most of the time we go out it’s to eat it’s at either Asian or Mexican owned restaurants). So the safest thing for me to do for his sake rn is to keep quiet. But boy do I miss being able to throw a tantrum over the issue and put my white woman tears to good use 💔💔

[strawberryburnout]

I really wish mental health was better understood and not just “aware” (because awareness without understanding or protection is a target on your back waiting to happen). I have several disorders that can cause me to really spiral or overreact about things. I’m also autistic and do not understand anything except blunt communication all that well. So when I’m crying over something for the 3rd time in 2 hours, my boyfriend will tell me straight up that I need to stop talking about it, and then he’ll comfort me and distract me with other things (physical comfort, playing a game, watching a video or show) but even 15-20 minutes of that is enough to get me to realize I was stuck in kind of a self-fed feedback loop and we can later on have an actual conversation about it if it’s needed.

And he’s been called blunt or rude or even abusive by friends, family, and even random strangers when it’s been mentioned in passing, but he’s genuinely the most help I’ve ever had in my life when it comes to co-regulation. Purely honest, but kind, observation of me doing something harmful not come across as rude to me. I don’t want to be harming myself or others so being told simply, “I need you to work on (XYZ). I’m not mad and I still love you.” is extremely helpful and stress relieving.

People I feel like kind of fall into the camp of, “Infantilize disabled people” or “Abandon them in the world until they figure it out”. Neither of those are really helpful. I’m able to identify the accommodations I need to succeed as an independent adult, and he’s willing to provide them. But usually one or the other of us is labeled as toxic and it’s just so frustrating.

[strawberryburnout]

Random question for those outside the US who might see this:

Whenever I watch foreign films the characters are always going to get checked out by a doctor for things that feel seemingly minor to me (for instance in the show I’m watching rn the man fell down and knocked his head on a shelf and felt dizzy/nauseous). Is that actually representative of how much you go to the doctor or is it more for dramatic effect? I only really go to the hospital when I start getting the feeling in my bones that I’m dying 💀 which I know is a bit longer than maybe the more well to do Americans would choose but I’m disabled and unemployed so I can’t risk it otherwise.

[toastyglow]

(some guy on the internet voice) it's so unrealistic and forced when women win fights against men in stories. of course, when a young boy defeats a huge man I'm cheering and screaming because it is so badass, and when a frail old man defeats a cocky young warrior I feel nothing but satisfaction. I love these power fantasies about easily dispatching people who underestimate you, a thing I desire despite the fact that I will likely never have the skill to achieve it in real life, but I'm pretty sure women don't have that same desire, and even if they do, they shouldn't get to see it in media. because it's so unrealistic, you see. I mean I'm smart enough to know I can't take down a big man in a fight but the women, you know, they'll get ideas. I could probably do it if I trained hard enough, but the women??? for some reason I can't see it happening, and who can say why that is.

[strawberryburnout]

Also to add on it’s not even just a power fantasy. I’m disabled and I’ve “beaten” (won a fight, multiple times it was a DV situation) a guy who wasn’t huge, but was about 15-20 lbs heavier than me and had two black belts in different martial arts and fencing training. It’s not impossible to beat somebody who’s more physically able than you. Having presence of mind and awareness of my body was hugely important. Was I able to beat ts out of him? No. But was I able to rotate muscle groups to hold him above me when he was trying to pin me down until he lost focus for a moment and then kick his nuts or otherwise force him off? Yes.

[deeptrospection]

[strawberryburnout]

Real except I did regularly get mocked and had it taken away (even down to my ability to read science encyclopedias) so I didn’t want them to know I enjoyed anything.

[of-course-im-here-again-deactiv]

real! did anyone else have this happen to the extent they were disparaged because your parents "didn't know how to punish you because you didn't care about anything and have no friends to be grounded from"? like dude I used to care about things!!! you made my life hell around them so many times i locked that shit down tight. I have friends, you just never hear they exist bc if you know about them, I get told never speak to them again if I make some infinitesimally stupid mistake any normal child would be corrected over at best or maybe even just ignored. but ok. it's definitely my fault you don't know how to double punish me for *checks notes* being bad at the punishment chores you didn't teach me how to do. ripping you apart with my motherfucking teeth if you're grounding your kid from *reading books* you've lost the goddamn plot!

[strawberryburnout]

Omfg that’s so real. Except for me it was a joke they’d laugh about as opposed to disparaging. And they also just loved taking stuff away permanently in general for not being “holy” enough. First video games, then television, then fiction books in general which is why I liked encyclopedias. No cellphones allowed until 17 period. Also my friends were always “trying to take me away” so I barely had any personal connections to begin with but would also be banned from talking to them. Or alternatively in some cases their parents would ban them from talking to me (I had a male friend who’s dad threatened to kick him out if he didn’t cut me off).

so fun.

[deeptrospection]

[strawberryburnout]

Real except I did regularly get mocked and had it taken away (even down to my ability to read science encyclopedias) so I didn’t want them to know I enjoyed anything.

[strawberryburnout]

I tried posting this on a child abuser survivor Reddit and got zero help or answers whatsoever, and also my mom has found my old accounts on Reddit before so I’m afraid she’ll see it anyway. So I guess I’m just gonna yell into the void here and see if anyone has any answers. Big TW for discussion of CSA

My parents at the end of the day never inflicted actual sexual behaviors on me (intercourse, touching of genitals for sexual gratification). However there were several things that happened that made me constantly paranoid maybe it would happen (especially on top of the fact I experienced CSA from a babysitter). As a young child I would be stripped naked to be spanked so I’d “feel it more”. When I reached puberty I was told that if I did not shave my body, cover from below collarbone to knee (also armpits), and carry myself in certain ways then it would make my parents and younger brother think about the fact I was an “adult” now and think inappropriate sexual thoughts about me, both what I looked like naked and doing sexual things to me, which would make them uncomfortable and be my fault.

I was homeschooled and denied any sex education or education about my own body, including that the female body could experience arousal, that the urethra and vagina are two different openings, and how to wash myself. I was constantly told about my duty to serve men and submit to men with a very sexual undertone despite those acts not being explicitly explained. When I reached adulthood and began to feel the desire to be sexually active I told them that I really did want to know what they hadn’t told me because I was so confused, and I was made to describe (badly, because I didn’t understand and my only exposure to sex was fanfics and webtoon a I’d sneakily read) the sensations in my body and what sex acts I wanted to do before they allowed me any information. And even then I barely got anything so I ended up having to look at websites such as Planned Parenthood to actually learn my anatomy. When I came out as bisexual my parents asked me about what sex acts I’d be willing to do on a woman and then called it gross.

I’m now 22, still living in the house because I’m disabled. Between my coming out and now, my parents completely changed their tune and now regularly ask me a lot of intrusive questions about my sex life, which I answer or lie about if I can get away with it because non-answering isn’t really allowed. They will ask about what I’m doing, how often, whether or not I give head, whether or not I do it raw (I’m already on BC) what dynamics, if I partake in kink (they view all kinks as “just as bad as pedophilia, if not worse because two people consent to the depravity” so I don’t tell them I do certain things). I also feel bad because sometimes part of me wants to share details with them because I’m so used to being asked and talked to in explicit detail atp, but I also feel very gross and ashamed about myself when I remember they know these things about me. I often wish I could make them forget.

Was any of this CSA? Was it something else? It really confuses me because they never touched me sexually in any way. But my boyfriend says it’s abnormal for them to be asking me so many questions.

[strawberryburnout]

Honestly wouldn’t even mind my more feminine features if I could be seen as intersex in the same way women are seen as women and men seen as men. I’m supposed to be this way. I was born as a kinda weird middle point. But nope I’m just defective female and it makes me dysphoric as hell

[strawberryburnout]

In another life I’m not disabled so I can actually make my own decisions for my life. I’m a young guy in college and I’m studying to be an anthropologist. I’m 5’11” and I’ve got good biceps and shoulders but don’t really gaf about abs because I’m too lazy to dedicate to a cut, when my hair is short and shaggy everything finally thinks it’s hot instead of constantly begging me to grow it out to look more feminine. I go to parties to look bored and play games on my phone in the corner. I’m a dom verse and me and my boyfriend met at one of those parties and we made out a lot. I take trashy mirror selfies with my hair wet and my jeans low on purpose and my boyfriend eats it up. I work a shitty job as a waiter or something idek. I can read yaoi in peace and dedicate stupid amounts of time to my video games and it’s cute in a gamer boy way and not a pathetic girl failure way. I come to our shitty little apartment and fuck him on the couch and then cook dinner with my shirt off because I’m allowed to do stuff with my shirt off. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever it doesn’t matter

[strawberryburnout]

I wish I hadn’t invalidated gender-fluidity to myself that it no longer feels like a real option I’m allowed to have. I wish I hadn’t shared photos of my old masculine persona and laughed along when people ridiculed me to feel safe and accepted. I wish I didn’t have to lie to my family that it was just a stupid phase so they’d take me back in and I wouldn’t be homeless. I wish I hadn’t killed that side of me. He was so miserable and yet the freest part of my life. I miss him. And I wish I could tell if it’s just because I have identity issues or if he really is part of who I’m supposed to be. I wish I could understand why I like some parts of being a woman but feel this ache whenever I remember who he was.

[writingdose]

[strawberryburnout]

I think a concept a lot of people don’t get is that interpersonal oppression doesn’t work like a ladder or a pyramid, it’s like one of those structures where the pieces are overlapping and can be both on top of and underneath other pieces. A lot of people tend to just pick their least favorite minority group and stick it on the top of the theoretical pyramid (I’m seeing this with white feminism sticking men of color up there right now) and then blatantly ignore the fact that while this person can enact oppressive systems on you (misogyny), you can also just as easily do the same to them (racism, groundless accusations leading to unfair treatment by the judicial system, and also sexual harassment believe it or not there’s a lot of history of that being directed towards men of color and ignore because they aren’t seen as desirable like white men).

Also, while I do not enjoy the company of many men, somebody being a man is not the end-all argument that some people think it is when you look at the treatment of men of color, trans men, bi and gay men, disabled men, men deemed “lower class”, etc. Especially if you’re living in the US right now.

[strawberryburnout]

It’s my personal opinion, from observation, that the most hated character within a franchise is usually one that holds an uncomfortable mirror up to the majority of the fanbase attracted to that particular piece of media. The most hated character is literally never the Evil Sexist Puppy-Kicking Genocidal Villain because most of us know that’s not a good thing to do conceptually.

However if a character does something minor you hate about yourself, or have done and been punished or ostracized for, you can project the hatred usually directed towards the self onto them and it’s cathartic. You’re no longer the one receiving consequences and you can pretend you’re giving them to others, and it makes you feel powerful. And fiction is actually a healthy way to process these kinds of feelings but you can’t process them without acknowledging they need to be processed or you’re just stuck doing the same thing over and over again. And that’s where the 7 billion tweets about shooting Character into the sun with a catapult come in.

[strawberryburnout]

Just realized I’ve never made ANY choices for myself in my entire life especially surrounding my disability and they’ve all been based on appearing healthy/“normal” to my parents arbitrary standards while I slowly get worse overtime 😃😃😃😃 Saturday morning thoughts

[strawberryburnout]

Whyyyy are my parents so OBSESSED with me getting up early. I have chronic fatigue so if I got up at 6-7am like they want then I’d have to be going to sleep at 9-10 pm every night which means I’d never be able to spend evenings with my family. I’m too disabled to work so it’s not like I’m late for work by sleeping in a bit, and experience too much pain in the morning to be functional so what is the point of getting up early. I do not understand. I don’t even require them to be quiet for me my siblings are always stomping around the house and yelling in the morning and I never complain.

[strawberryburnout]

Perhaps controversial opinion: I’m really hoping Cressida (Bridgerton) and her man aren’t a lavender marriage like a lot of people theorize and are instead some type of bi4bi. This isn’t me being against gay rep, but I would just prefer to see more representation of different types of queer love than a depiction of a lavender marriage, which were usually quite difficult on the people in them historically. Also there’s the fact that Asian men are portrayed as queer (negatively stereotyped, not positive rep), infantilized, seen as not sexually appealing due to racism, or all three simultaneously. Also the fact people also assume that female-led relationships mean that both people are “gay” (negatively) or unhappy in some way. It’s kind of an amalgamation of stereotypes that I’d just prefer to seen discarded in favor of a positive unconventional relationship.

Also it just kind of reminds me of me and my bf. We’re both queer, we both own that, I’m a very bossy woman and he’s a man who likes to be told what to do. He’s also Asian which is why that particular stereotype jumps out at me. We’re also very in love with each other and very attracted to each other.

I don’t want replacement for genuine queer and monosexual gay representation but I would like nuanced, positive queer love to replace the sort of “failed heterosexual couple” scenario, if that makes sense.