#incorrect batfam

[batfammeetsspidergang]

Duke: You know those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea?

Tim: And then I ignore you? Yeah.

[batfammeetsspidergang]

*mid-fight*

Bane: Why won’t you just lie down and die with dignity?!

Spider-Ham: I don't do anything with dignity!

[batfammeetsspidergang]

Jason: I'm sure they've told you a lot about me.

Gwen: The homicidal killing spree came up.

Jason, smirking: Well, we're all works in progress.

[reremouse]

Red Hood vs the HOA part 2 (born of more Fic Yahtzee Bingo with alchemistdoctor, part 1) Apparently, all of the cool reforestation programs are now using drones. 

-Roy Harper has entered the chat.-

The family that plays together, etc. and Roy's a supportive kind of husband. That's how he finds himself next to the pool, stretched out on a lounger under the stars with a remote control in one hand and a glass of lemonade in the other, balancing a tablet against his thigh. 

Drones are a completely normal hobby for a suburban dad, right? 

Except most dads don't make the drones because they've run out of home electronics to upgrade without their husbands deciding to rethink his disavowal of lethal rounds. 

Those that do tend not to make the drones look like flying Red Hood helmets equipped with night vision and moderately sized multi-compartmented bomb bays designed to re-seed and increase biodiversity in hard to reach areas. And boy does Roy intend to increase all the biodiversity. 

In a targeted and aesthetically pleasing fashion, of course. Consider this his version of Pocket Plants with extra environmental enrichment. 

The dregs of Roy's lemonade make an obnoxious slurping sound with his straw while Hood Drone 1 drops an optimized tulip tree bomb in a corner that'd be great for shade by the time the Gordon kids are old enough to sit up and play in the back yard with minimal parental supervision. And big enough to climb by the time they're old enough to spend time back there without any supervision at all. 

Roy's a planner like that. 

Eventually, Roy gets impatient with waiting for his genius to be recognized, and Jason comes in from a night of fighting crime with a polite inquiry about his own disembodied head following him home. Roy cackles and hands over the remote to Hood drone 3 with an offhand "red button for the big bomb, yellow button to scatter," and goes inside to refill his lemonade. 

It becomes an early morning ritual to check on the seedlings with Arsenal drone 2. ("What happened to Arsenal drone 1?" "don't ask.") And if Jason sometimes stays up with the comparatively tiny Arsenal drone two, finishing his lemonade at the slowest plausible pace in order to watch SUV neighbor noticing the latest collection of sprouts on his otherwise pristine lawn while bringing in the morning newspaper, that's just him appreciating Roy's work. 

SUV guy marches straight to the front of the room at the next HOA meeting calling for Red Hood's head. 

Two hours and a polite knock later, he opens the door to Hood drone 2 hovering in front of his face. 

It drops a paper in his hand that only says "Your move :) -RH"

Okay, or instead, Jason seeing a Red Hood Helmet just. Floating in the air dispensing seeds.

And coming in cackling to find Roy with his remote set up and lemonade and that sets him off again: so you, you, wheeze you beheaded me - Roy, proudly: correct Jason: wheeze to rewild the subdivision - Ivy's gonna find you, man, she's gonna come all the way out here and find you and kiss you- Roy: I'd assume she'd try to find you actually, given- [waves arm at Red Hood bot gently coming in for a landing in Roy's lap. Roy pats it like Dr. Evil's fluffy white cat.] Jason, unable to breathe: WHEEZE fuck, ah, oh god, fuck you man-

Seriously. Roy's a work from home dad. He's gotta have something to do during all those Zoom meetings. 

[reremouse]

Inspired by the viral Reddit post by u/kubrador, since removed, titled "I've been waking up at 3am to move my neighbor's trash cans every week and he hired a priest last month" and carried away in Fic Yahtzee Bingo with @alchemistdoctor .

Obviously, this turned into thoughts of Jason and Roy living in the suburbs (something something Lian STEM school and/or accommodations something). Jason would never pull shit like this on his Crime Alley neighbors--they've already got it hard enough. But their suburban neighbors, and the subdivision's HOA, which Jason hates on principle, are fair game.

Roy, who's essentially a WFH dad except when he's needed as Arsenal, gets to watch the outraged fallout of neighbors in bedhead and house slippers grumpily hunting down their trash barrels before the 6am deadline to bring them in, because this HOA does not play when it comes to issuing timely fines for CC&R infractions.

After two board members wake up to fines taped to their front doors, the HOA holds an emergency meeting and votes unanimously to send a letter of complaint to the trash company.

And Jason takes that personally.

Things escalate. As they do when Jason is involved.

First, Jason makes sure to leave blurry footage of himself on another neighbor's security camera. Like a cryptid.

So now there's that one neighbor complaining to to the spouse, family, and HOA that Red Hood is responsible for the wandering trash cans. He's coming all the way to this suburb from Crime Alley every Wednesday morning while everyone is asleep, just to sow low-level discord. The guy even raises the possibility that Red Hood actually lives in the subdivision and commutes.

That gets him laughed out of the room.

Eventually the HOA gets tired of fielding the increasingly divided debate over whether their cryptid Red Hood is real and holds a series of meetings on the subject where they decide to put out a cash reward for catching the disruptive kid who thinks it’s funny to dress up like a Gotham crime lord just to vandalize their subdivision on trash pick up day.

Jason is at every meeting and finds it hysterical.

The city council eventually hears about it during Jason Harper’s impassioned speech complaining about Red Hood's vendetta against the lawful and orderly handling of their trash. It's never the recycling or the green bins, and that's discrimination.

Mr. Harper follows up the speech with an indignant letter to the editor for good measure.

The HOA reward for Red Hood's capture is announced at the next city council meeting, and Jason laughs himself sick.

Then he escalates to the long game and declares suburban war:

He seed bombs the lawns, and that's the last straw.

Where the fuck is Batman?

Eventually news of Red Hood's unchecked ecoterrorism in the burbs reaches Bristol and leaves Bruce speechless. Jason celebrates by seed bombing the Manor lawn.

(Tim finds out and visits the neighborhood while Jason and Roy are out of town. He turns up in a bargain bin Party City Red Hood costume with obvious sock padding, just to keep the gag going and also to watch Jason lose his shit at the footage of a skinny weasel offbrand spandex Red Hood casually digging up a section of SUV house's lawn and planting an entire tree in full view of the porch camera.) Part 2

[heist-family-content]

Batman at a JL meeting: Now that we have the matter of galactic patrol settled, there are safety concerns to address in terms-

Batman: .... excuse me. *disappears into his cloak*

The JL: ?????

Batman: *reemerging* My apologies. My son is playing Nintendo and asks that you all speak a little quieter. He's trying to decorate his island.

[heist-family-content]

HC that people keep forgetting Bruce's kids are adopted because they all kinda look or act like him, and he treats them like he raised them from eggs. Cue the press asking the batlings about cute baby stories involving Bruce, and cue them just making shit up. Jason's the worst. "Yeah, I was born a couple pounds too light, so Bruce contemplated leaving me on the side of a mountain to die. He only kept me because by the time I was two, I learned how to iron his dress shirts."

[batfammeetsspidergang]

Nightwing: Don’t antagonize the local law enforcement.

Spider-Punk: But it's so much fun!