I hate you for what you did and I miss you like a little kid. Is it too potent, if I tell you how I sank to my knees and prayed to a god that doesn't exist, if I murmur the words that once graced your lips, savoring the taste of you, once removed?
No, it's for the better, I told everyone around me. "Tell me if you need anything." Bring him back, bring back the version of him that loved me like it was breathing, bring back the late nights with too many words said, the high before the fall, erase everything that points to him being just. another. lesson. I've lost everyone I've ever loved, I don't know why the vulnerability I forced from my soul convinced me that he would be different.
I know better. I knew better. What a pathetic sight to see. How many times will I ache like this? I want to go back to her and fall into her version of love, because at least it was something.
I hate you for choosing yourself, after you made it so clear that you were choosing me, but I'm not allowed to say that. I sobbed until my face cracked into a smile, my jaw is aching and my hands are shaking, but my stomach's empty and my heart is waiting. It's vast and open and cursed. I'm cursed, I should've known better, this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. What kind of cruel joke was it to introduce me to something so healing, so loving, so pure, only to strip it away at the peak?
Maybe if you have to force the love to meet his ears, it's not genuine. Maybe, if you have to fight every instinct, you shouldn't have done it in the first place. I didn't trust my gut when I knew something was wrong and I fell into the sense of security that only you provided. It was false. And now you're gone and that's just supposed to be okay.
I can't even hold food down, it's pathetic. I'm pathetic and exhausted and I don't wanna, babe, I don't fucking wanna. I used to tell you that when I didn't want to sleep and now I'm taking every part of me and forcing it into submission, into negligence and apathy, because I shouldn't say any of this.
I shouldn't say that it felt like I lost part of me when you left, because we never should've been that intertwined. I shouldn't say that I couldn't move for hours, because you were fine and if you could do this to me, so casually, so callously, was any of it real.
One moment it was future and forever and you hate those words but I thought you meant it when you said you loved me but you danced around the truth until you chucked it at me. Take your year, take your time, just please, you can't expect me to just be fine. I want you. I want you in any way you'll give me and that's terrifying, because it's so reminiscent of her. Maybe I don't know how to love in healthy ways, maybe obsessive, heartwrenching, beautifully regrettable ache is all I'll ever know.
