Goddamn this noise inside my head.

My old account of 5085 followers was terminated. I used to be bpdcrybaby213. These are my favorite song lyrics that best describe my BPD: "I got a bad disease, out from my brain is where I bleed." "I wanted more than life could ever grant me." "Pink ribbon scars that never forget, I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets." "It won't give up, it wants me dead, goddamn this noise inside my head." "Against my will, I stand beside my own reflection." "You don't want to lie, no you don't want to lie anymore about why you feel so bad. You don't want to lie, no you don't want to lie anymore about things that make you sad." "All that I needed was the one thing I couldn't find." "What doesn't kill you, makes you wish you were dead." "There's a voice in my head, says I'm better off dead." "I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change, I know now this is who I really am inside." "I scar myself, you see, I wish I wasn't me." "I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror." "I like to control you, cause I can't control myself." "I hurt myself sometimes, is that too scary for ya?" "I don't want them to believe that I am different." "Someday you will ache like I ache."

[thebpdcrybaby]

My name is Sadie and I'm 34 years old with autism and borderline personality disorder. I am not in treatment because I have Medicare for insurance and there are 4+ year waiting lists for therapy. (Update: I finally got off the wait-list and got a therapist and a month into she ghosted me and quit) I am on psych medication. I have severe depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, adjustment disorder, unspecified mood disorder, auditory processing disorder. I have binge eating disorder and struggle with self harm. I'm obese and have always struggled with my weight. I live on my own in an apartment complex, where my mother and seven year old autistic son also live. She is raising him now because of my worsening mental health. I have been in a relationship with my son's father for 10 years, it has been a lot of ups and downs. He is my FP (favorite person). He just moved to Arizona due to unfortunate circumstances, so we are now maintaining a long distance relationship. I'm on social security income and live in Pennsylvania, USA. I have heavy suicide ideations. My BPD type is "self destructive." My autism is between level 1 and level 2.

Physical illnesses: morbid obesity, diabetes, PCOS, lymphedema in left leg, severe obstructive sleep apnea, hypothyroidism, sciatica on right side plus moderate to severe back pain from spinal degeneration, constant tachycardia, newly diagnosed with drop foot in left foot (disabled now completely with difficulty walking, I use a cane and walker now)

- she/her/hers

- LGBT ally

- extreme leftist

- socialist, anti capitalism

- non religious with interest in The Satanic Temple

- 420 friendly

- Daddy issues

- no ableism

- no fatphobia

- no kink shaming

- no homophobia

- no transphobia

- no racists/Nazis

- no Republicans/Trump supporters

One thing I DO NOT SUPPORT is polyamory. I HATE that shit. I'll say it and die on that hill: Poly is just an excuse to be a cheater. 🙌🏻💯

Horror movie fanatic.

Music is life.

SKYND, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, HIM, Linkin Park, Grey Daze, Jack Off Jill, Nirvana, Hole, Green Day, Yungblud, mgk, Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Halsey, Buckcherry, Korn, Pearl Jam, Fuel, Pink Floyd, John Mellencamp, She Wants Revenge, Oasis, Pixies, Maroon 5, Sick Puppies, Sixx:A.M., Motley Crue, Aerosmith, Eagles, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Third Eye Blind, Thirty Seconds to Mars, AFI, Violent Femmes, Rise Against, The Struts, In This Moment, The Pretty Reckless, Bring Me The Horizon, Evanescence, Shinedown, Hollywood Undead, Daughtry, The 69 Eyes, Mindless Self Indulgence, Filter, Rob Zombie, Lords of Acid, Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls, Papa Roach, Seether, Puddle of Mudd, Bush, Creed, P!nk, Rancid, The Doors, Radiohead, Gin Blossoms, Sex Pistols, My Chemical Romance, Tool, Good Charlotte, Sublime, Miley Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Avril Lavigne, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift

My comforts and hyperfixations: Joker, Skynd, Pete Davidson, mgk, Yungblud, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, HIM/heartagrams, Bam Margera, Taylor Swift, The Twilight Zone, The Golden Girls, Home Improvement sitcom, old sitcoms, old black and white movies and TV, Art the Clown, Jack Skellington, Hello Kitty, Rugrats, the 90s, cemeteries, true crime, splatterpunk, gore, slashers, collecting DVDs and Blu-ray, reading books and Kindle, "alternative" goth, punk, emo, Funko Pop, Squishmallows, The Sims, casual mobile gaming, poetry, Tate Langdon from American Horror Story season one, Kurt Cobain, Chester Bennington, The Virgin Suicides, Girl Interrupted, Pearl, Euphoria, girlblogging, Sylvia Plath, Franz Kafka

Hail to the BPD king, Pete.

[thebpdcrybaby]

I'm surprised I have as many followers as I do, I rarely get on here anymore and notifications are turned off. I plan on just using this as a journal to vent with no tags so I don't have to keep a physical diary (evidence) I apologize to the people who were sending me messages and I blew you off. I'm struggling mentally heavily right now. I'm sure you'll see in my posts if anybody reads this shit.

[thebpdcrybaby]

I just wanted to post this because I've been dealing with A LOT of toxic people in the BPD community in other groups. I've been literally chased out of groups for just being honest. I am autistic, so maybe I don't communicate correctly. But this is my thoughts.

Unpopular opinion among borderlines but Narcissistic personality disorder is also a valid personality disorder "Narcissist" isn't a good word. BPD and NPD overlap so I dislike when BPD people act like they're somehow "better" than those with NPD. Honestly I have narcissistic traits that overlap with my BPD and I'll admit that. Why does there have to be stigma against "narcissists?" They are called monsters just like we are. Nobody is better than anybody else. I know you'll argue that you were victims of "narcissistic abuse." But others can also argue that people are victims of "BPD abuse." Im just saying can we respect ALL cluster B people??

[thebpdcrybaby]

Thank you!!!!!! The "abuse victims" are such crybabies. Im sticking with this new group I found for all cluster B. And this person is talking about non BPD people for clarification. She's talking about the groups where the "victims" go to bash us.

[thebpdcrybaby]

Y'all that bitch about my poly post and my Bianca Devins post just gives me fuel to the fire. 😂

"I got nothing to do except piss y'all off cause I got nothing to lose." 🤣😆

[thebpdcrybaby]

This! "I don't even want to interact with anyone because I'm afraid of saying horrible things and hurting people's feelings." I feel that in my soul.

[thebpdcrybaby]

I looked up "I have BPD and hate doing dbt work" I got this result. Now I feel validated in my reasons and feelings about it. You know how shitty other borderlines will be to other borderlines who are untreated and haven't mastered DBT or aren't actively in DBT. "yOuR tRiggErs ArE yoUr rESPonsiBiLIty" 🙄🙄🙄 And my biggest reason is that I wasn't born with this shit, I got this because of other people. THEY should be doing the work for me. I should invoice people for my therapy. So I'm forced to "bear this burden" for my entire life out of no fault or choice of my own, in fact, it could have actually been prevented. So I'm just a little salty about having to "fix" myself for everyone else when I'd be so much happier being feral in my BPD. And omg, who else also thinks DBT is patronizing?? I feel so fucking valid now in always thinking that.

[thebpdcrybaby]

[thebpdcrybaby]

When they always remind you how pathetic you are for needing them at all. And if I didn't have BPD, I wouldn't need anyone and I'd be completely independent, at least emotionally. If I didn't have autism, I'd be able to independently live. If I didn't have any of this stupid shit in my head.

[thebpdcrybaby]

My mom called me a "fucking psychopath" while screaming at me today in a fight. A psychopath? Like Ted Bundy? Thank you, I do not find that offensive. 😂

[thebpdcrybaby]

I know we're really not supposed to post shit like this but, I noticed not long ago that Suicide Sanction got taken down. And I know it's a shitty thing to ask, to anyone but someone on there cause I know here is supposed to be "recovery." Man I've tried all that for thirty years. I think the recent losing my family because of my increasing uncontrollable rage and being hurtful to them, may have the final icing on the cake. So I'm asking if someone can at least tell me ways that I would be able to with the very little resources I have. I don't drive. I don't have access to a bunch of medication anymore, nothing lethal. I'm in an apartment by myself all day every day. Right now I have a little money, unless my mom takes my card at some point. I am too heavy for hanging and too stupid to tie knots, otherwise I have a great balcony for that but no it's not high enough to jump, I'll just break my legs. I have tried millions of times to cut a vein and it's just not possible, I'm way too much of a coward and my pain tolerance has got way lower as I get older. I heard the easiest and least painful way is carbon monoxide. But that's impossible for me. I don't have a car or drive so I don't get my dream suicide. However open to suggestions. 👍🏻

[thebpdcrybaby]

PUMPED UP KICKS

[thebpdcrybaby]

Officially dropped 50 pounds in about 4 or 5 months time with the Mounjaro. I think I started in December last year. Or January this year. It sucks I might have to off myself soon 😂 I wanted to see how small I can get, it's gonna be awhile because I started at a very high weight. I was 412. I'm now 353. My goal weight is 200. I don't know if my body is even able to get any smaller than that, it's in my genetics to be a larger person and always somewhat fat. It's in my family. I've always been at least overweight my whole life from age 3. I have no idea what it feels like to be thin.

[thebpdcrybaby]

Very bad news. Doctor discharged me and so I won't have my psych meds anymore. I can't get in with another doctor for three months. My mom is trying to fight it. If I can't be medicated for three months I'll have to be hospitalized for that long otherwise I'm a huge danger to myself and others, like way way more so than usual. Also the withdrawal symptoms will be quite substantial, including very painful brain zaps. I'm mentally ill and missed an appointment and I even sent a message and he still discharged me. Unfortunately, I'm making my suicide plans ahead of time if I do lose my meds, I refuse to go in the psych ward for three months and feel the painful withdrawal. I'm not telling my loved ones, nobody. This time I think I'm really serious. I've been doing it the right way this time. I just wish I didn't have to die alone, that's what I hate the most, that's what makes it terrifying and hard to complete. I always panic. And I am limited to methods because I don't drive. Ugh. Not trying to trigger anybody, by the way. I'm just venting and I know Tumblr is the only place I'm allowed to be feral in my mental illness.

[ct-lambykins]

at this point i think i may actually be impossible to rehabilitate

[bpdworld]

It triggers my anxiety in such a strong way…

Then they think I’m being manipulative. No, it’s a reaction to your lack of empathy.

It’s not hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes before acting.

[thebpdcrybaby]

Does anyone self harm on their neck? Any tips on making good ones that bleed without actually hitting an artery?