The Daily Rejection

These articles aspire to be rejected by The Onion, ClickHole, Humans of New York- basically the whole internet. by @thomastowell

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So Tragic: The Coca Cola Polar Bears Have Succumbed to Global Warming

ATLANTA - Officials of the Coca-Cola Company announced Tuesday that the world famous polar bears from the widely popular holiday television commercials have starved to death after getting stranded on a melting ice sheet in the northern region of Baffin Bay. “We are heartbroken to announce that Kiko, Balfur, Pow-Pow, and Mindy fell victim to rising global temperatures,” said Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent, desperately picking up every glass bottle from around the office and scolding his colleagues who had put their aluminum Coke cans into a trash bin; demanding to know why they couldn’t put them into the clearly marked green recycling buckets. "We have to do better! We have to save the environment! Polar bears don’t need soda! They need ice so they can hunt for food!” At press time, Kent collapsed in a heap on the floor after realizing he would never share a Coke with his beloved polar bears again.

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Beyoncé Doesn’t Look Like This Anymore

Beyoncé doesn’t look like this anymore:

Here’s what Beyoncé looks like now:

She looks so different!

(Image via Mirror)

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Big Win for Priests in Fight for Abortion Forgiveness Rights

VATICAN CITY - In a controversial move, Pope Francis declared Tuesday that, during the upcoming Holy Year, all priests will have the right to choose to forgive women who had abortions. “A priest's decision should be his own to make. Who are we to decide what a priest can or cannot do with his congregational body?” said Pope Francis, arguing that the choice to absolve the sin of abortion should not be made by Vatican leaders but solely by a priest himself. “It’s important for us to ensure that priests have access to the necessary facilities- churches, cathedrals, altars- when making the difficult decision to forgive an abortion.” At press time, GOP lawmakers announced plans to push legislation that would ban abortion forgiveness after 20 weeks into the Holy Year.

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Jake Gyllenhaal Just Doing Acting Thing Until Accounting Career Takes Off

LOS ANGELES - Relaxing in his trailer after a long day on set, Jake Gyllenhaal told reporters Thursday that he is only acting in movies until his accounting career takes off. “I spend my nights and weekends crunching numbers and entering financial transactions into an Excel spreadsheet,” said Gyllenhaal, explaining that his current day job was just a short-term means of paying bills, and that, one day, he would fulfill a life-long dream of using QuickBooks for a professional accounting firm, or that maybe he would even start his own tax preparation service with some friends. “I have this feeling deep inside of me that says I’m going to make it big as an accountant. I just need to get my foot in the door first.” Gyllenhaal added that he would give anything to be a fly on the wall at H & R Block, describing the company as the Saturday Night Live of accounting.

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Area Man Quietly Exceeds Bag of Chip’s Suggested Serving Size

DES MOINES, IA - Area man Kevin Henderson quietly surpassed the suggested serving size of a large bag of Lays Sour Cream & Onion potato chips, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hm. Seventeen? Really?” said Henderson, noting the nutritional information panel on the back of the bag as he chewed an over-the-suggested-limit eighteenth chip, then reaching again into the bag for another handful. “Any of you guys got a napkin on you? Never mind. I’ll just use my shirt.” At press time, Henderson poured the last remaining crumbs from the bottom of the bag into his mouth.

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Report: Trump Campaign Just Part of Lengthy Rube Goldberg Machine

CAMBRIDGE - Graduate students at MIT revealed that Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is just part of a lengthy Rube Goldberg machine, sources reported Tuesday. “Back in June, we released a ball that knocked over a hammer, which was attached to a string that pulled on a lever that clicked on a light switch, which turned on a fan that blew an open umbrella into a skateboard that rolled and pushed a brick over a ledge that hit Donald Trump in the head, giving him the idea to run for president,” said machine chief designer Cory Daniels, who remained optimistic that Americans would refrain from actually electing Trump as president and allow the rest of the machine to play out. “If everything runs smoothly, next July, Jeb Bush will be chosen as the Republican candidate for president, which will cause Trump to light his ‘Make America Great Again’ hat on fire, making smoke that will set off his office’s sprinkler system, which will fill up a bucket that will weigh down a seesaw that will raise a teddy bear up against a loaded bow, triggering it to fire an arrow into a computer button that will signal strategically placed paint guns to shoot and spell out the words ‘WE DID IT’ on the wall.” Daniels added that, should the need arise, he and his team would launch a second machine that includes a part where Donald Trump is impeached.

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Veteran Drug Smuggler Can’t Believe He Never Considered Using Anus

EL PASO, TX - Veteran drug smuggler Louis Rivera, 24, was genuinely surprised to learn from a colleague that he could use his anus to traffic illegal substances across the border, sources reported Monday. “I’ve been smuggling since I was eighteen and not once did I think to hide the drugs inside myself,” said Rivera, who immediately pulled down his jeans and underwear and proceeded to cram several small bags of cocaine into his rectum, showing excitement as he pushed the drugs deeper and deeper, impressed by the amount of newly discovered transport space he had within his body. “This is way less conspicuous than duct taping everything to my legs and chest! How did I not know about this before?” At press time, Rivera was taken into custody after a border patrol officer noticed that he was walking in a stiff, careful manner.

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Idiot Uses Decorative Hand Towels in Guest Bathroom

NEWPORT, RI - While staying in the guest house of his aunt and uncle’s summer estate, complete idiot Michael Taylor, 26, used the decorative hand towels hanging in the bathroom to dry his hands, sources reported Thursday. “Clearly, the hand towels with sea shells on them were hung for the single purpose of adding to the bathroom’s beach theme. It seems my sister raised a total imbecile,” said Michael’s aunt Carolyn, scoffing at the notion of having to ask one of the maids to wash the hand towels, which would reduce the quality of their softness, not that they needed to be soft, but if she had wanted rough, cheap hand towels she would have bought a set with a lower thread count. “We graciously invited my nephew to spend a few weeks with us and this is the thanks I get. How dreadful.” At press time, aunt Carolyn decided it was best for Michael to return home after discovering that he had thrown the decorative throw pillows from his bed onto the floor.

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God Announces Drug Offenders Will No Longer Be Damned to Hell

HEAVEN - Recognizing that the current afterlife judgment system is too harsh on particular individuals and showing a willingness to let certain sins slide, God, our Divine Creator, announced that He would no longer send those with drug offenses to the fiery pits of Hell. “I created everything, therefore, I created drugs and drug offenders. I shouldn’t hold people responsible for something that is pretty much my fault,” said God, who reported that Hell, a space that really ought to be reserved for murderers and rapists, was getting too crowded with marijuana dealers. “Those that are already in Hell for selling, smoking, or transporting drugs will be rejudged and released into Heaven accordingly.” At press time, God admitted that he was technically responsible for creating murderers and rapists, but he had to draw the line somewhere.

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New Study Shows Presence of Sand, Ocean Causes Women to Synchronize Jumps

MIAMI - A new study published Tuesday by researchers at the University of Miami revealed that the presence of sand and ocean water causes women to synchronize their jumps. "The act of two or more women reaching a shoreline or beach area, particularly those that are with a group of friends, creates an overwhelming desire to perfectly time mass jumping in the air,” said study co-author Jenna Kademan, positing that the possession of photographical equipment may also influence the need to synchronize jumping, as such harmonized leaping was frequently documented on social media websites like Facebook and Instagram. “In most of the trials, we observed that the synchronization took several attempts, as there was usually one woman who jumped too early or too late.” Additionally, the study found that while men were willing to participate in the jumping, most expressed a stronger interest in burying a friend up to his neck in the sand.

(image via BDCwire)

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James Bond Killed While Driving Shitty Kia Rio

TANGIER - British Secret Service agent James Bond was killed Monday while driving a shitty Kia Rio in a car chase through the streets of Morocco’s northern coastal city of Tangier, an MI6 press release confirmed. “It is with deep sadness and regret that we announce the passing of Commander James Bond, who perished behind the wheel of a boring and un-sporty Kia Rio,” wrote Downing Street press secretary Nigel Ludlow, explaining that, due to recent government budget cuts, Q Branch was limited to outfitting agent 007 with an uninspired, six-speed automatic Kia Rio that lacked proper acceleration and speed, as well as the usual plethora of retrofitted weaponry, such as a sun roof rocket launcher and front wing machine guns. “Sloppy steering and a 138 horsepower engine allowed enemy combatants, in faster and sleeker BMWs, to outmaneuver and gun down Mr. Bond, who ultimately careened off a cliff and slammed into the Strait of Gibraltar.” Ludlow concluded that MI6 officials remained cautiously optimistic that agent 008, driving a Fiat 500, would be able to complete Bond’s mission.

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Plastic Surgeons Without Borders Brings Larger Breasts to Refugees in War-Torn Central African Republic

BANGUI - In the midst of ongoing political dissent, armed conflict, and struggling humanitarian efforts in the Central African Republic, Plastic Surgeons Without Borders launched an initiative Saturday that would bring aid to thousands of refugees in the form of free breast augmentation. “The situation here is incredibly dire. These people have lost family, their homes- everything. We knew we had to step in and provide life-saving breast implants,” said Dr. Gabriel Lovejoy, working his way down a line of village women, stopping to draw dash marks on the undersides of their small breasts with a black permanent marker. “By providing these consultations and surgery, we’re helping refugees, mostly women, to gain confidence and feel better about themselves.” Dr. Lovejoy added that, thanks to recent donations, the Miami-based organization would also provide free botox injections to men, women, and children.

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Surging Bernie Sanders Adds Mic Drop Practice to Daily Routine

NEW HAMPSHIRE - After racing ahead of Hillary Clinton in a New Hampshire poll, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders told reporters Wednesday that he has begun daily practice of dropping a microphone and walking out. “I’m taking a page out of President Obama’s book. When I deliver my first State of the Union speech in 2017, I want to be able to leave the American people with a knockout statement, followed by a mic drop and a swift exit,” said Sanders while adjusting his technique to a simple arm out, open handed release and uttering potential showstoppers like “Global warming is over” and “All student loans have been forgiven”. “The presidency isn’t just about signing bills into law or pushing nuclear deals with Iran. It’s also about convincing the world you’re a badass who can make the occasional sick burn at republican expense.” At press time, Sanders added that he is better suited to drop a mic than Hillary Clinton.

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Report: Mom Not Sure If She Wants Dessert, But Certainly Willing to Look at Menu

BOSTON - Sitting with her husband and two adult children in a booth at The Cheesecake Factory, area mom Gail Richards declared her willingness to see a menu when waitstaff asked if anyone at the table was interested in dessert, sources confirmed Tuesday evening. “It doesn’t hurt to take a peek,” said Richards, who, despite being satiated from her oversized chicken caesar salad, was completely open to perusing voluminous pages of cheesecakes and other scrumptious delights, but was by no means ready to commit to any dessert-based decision until all options had been explored. “Maybe we can get one to go?” At press time, Richards added that she would get a dessert if someone else did.

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Netflix Announces “Unlimited” Maternity and Paternity Streaming For Birth of Child

LOS GATOS, CA - Netflix announced Monday that it will give new parents access to “unlimited” streaming content during the birth of their child. “Becoming a parent can be very stressful or scary, so we want to make sure that our employees can relax and watch their favorite shows and movies while their children are being born,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, looking at a photo of his baby boy and wishing that he could have binge-watched Breaking Bad during the sixteen hours that his wife was in labor because he sure as hell didn’t have time to do it now that he was spending his days and nights keeping his child alive while running a billion dollar company. “We want to give our employees the opportunity to catch up on Twin Peaks or Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp before they are totally engulfed in the crushing responsibility that is parenthood.” At press time, Hastings added that expecting parents could have DVDs shipped straight to the delivery room for $7.99.

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Report: Ben & Jerry’s Recall Submarine Reactor Core Ice Cream

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT - Ben & Jerry’s issued a nationwide recall Thursday of their Submarine Reactor Core ice cream after health officials confirmed the flavor was linked to several hundred cases of radiation sickness. “Despite the vast popularity of our Submarine Reactor Core ice cream, with its chocolate and vanilla ice creams, sea salt fudge and an enriched uranium core, we must issue a recall to protect our fans,” said Ben & Jerry’s co-founder Jerry Greenfield through the safety of a hazmat suit, who stood with reporters under the sprays of a decontamination shower as they watched EPA crews work tirelessly to bury factory storage tanks and pasteurization equipment deep in the ground. “I’ll be the first to admit that we got carried away with the whole core flavors thing, but goddamn it, this one was delicious.” At press time, Greenfield added that plans for a rocky road based “Planet Core” with chunks of hot magma had been scrapped.

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Field Sobriety Test to Include Essay Section

WASHINGTON D.C. - The National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration announced Wednesday a redesigned field sobriety test that includes an essay section for evaluation of impairment. “Drivers who are pulled over on suspicion of operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs will need to compose a five-paragraph essay in MLA format based on a given prompt,” said agency administrator David Strickland to reporters, as he prepared boxes of blue exam booklets and No. 2 pencils for distribution among police departments, and noting new procedural instructions for using the hood of a car as workspace. “Drivers who are unable to provide a clear, concise, and defined thesis statement with at least three examples of supporting evidence and logical transitions between their introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion will establish probable cause for arrest.” Strickland added that drivers who refuse to put their pencils down once the time limit has expired will be subjected to tasering or pepper spray.