Bedtime Story.
Short story by Jeffery Whitmore! Wanted to make this into a comic for a while :] just in a girl boss sorta mood hehe
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if i look back, i am lost
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@adragonnamedsilly
Bedtime Story.
Short story by Jeffery Whitmore! Wanted to make this into a comic for a while :] just in a girl boss sorta mood hehe
25 and it got me excited
bitches dont know about my astiankuivauskaappi
that thing looks ridiculous. Why not just put it in the cabinet above the sink??
Every single finnish person is laughing at you peasants
its a dish drying set up?? im not about to put wet dishes in the cupboard? who does that?
hi
welcome to finland, this exists in every single household in finland
I’m convinced that every country in the world has exactly one (1) household thing that it does better than anyone else. And if we could somehow combine them…
We could have the Avatar of households
insp | via @incorrectdisasterlineage
Mace gets it
I suspect that Anakin only gets this distinction because he is also Obi-Wan’s only student.
This should not be hidden in the comments
Whenever I see an ad with people living in a house I automatically excuse myself from the experience. These people have house money. You expect me to afford the same product as people with house money? Laughable. Return at once, and tell the algorithm that sent you to try better.
Ads really should be treated like emisarries from rival lords.
I see here you've come to tell of an electronic service which, for a monthly fee, will read aloud to me literature from across the globe. And you say it shall provide me the fist tome free as a token of goodwill. A generous offer, or so it would appear, save for the fact that such a service is readily available to me publicly online and at my local library. Ah, you were hoping perhaps I was not aware of such resources? Begone, you slinking devil! Such trickery will not be tolerated in the house of James.
A PERFECT PLANET (2021) Episode 4, Oceans
If you’re writing about a character who’s rich and has a big house, and you’re writing in any sort of historical setting, I can’t help but feel that you’re missing an opportunity if you never talk about the Guests.
In a modern context, big houses rarely serve any narrative purpose beyond jokes about rooms nobody has ever been in, but historically, all that extra space had an important function. Apart from families generally being larger and multi-generational households being the norm, hospitality was a major part of a wealthy household’s basic social obligations. Travel was time-consuming and expensive, and obviously your rich buddies couldn’t just rent a room while they were in town (how gauche!), so you’d be expected to put them up for as long as they cared to stay. Indeed, being able to put up lots and lots of guests was one of the basic ways you demonstrated your high status.
This expectation of hospitality extended beyond your immediate social circle, as well. If you were the big name around town, you could expect to have government officials, artists and philosophers, travelling nobility, and the like hitting you up for a spare room on very little notice, and you had to be very careful about saying “no” because refusal might be construed as a snub – or worse, an admission that you can’t afford it! The upshot is that, at any given time, a large household might be playing host to a bewildering assortment of friends, relatives, friends of relatives, relatives of friends, celebrities both far-ranging and local, dignitaries, con artists, miscellaneous weirdos, and that one guy who nobody can quite place, but whose presence everyone is too polite to question.
(The miscellaneous weirdos are a big part of it, in fact. If you’ve ever wondered how someone makes a career out of something like “being France’s most famous lover”, that’s basically how it worked: you’d use your outlandish reputation to prevail on some random wealthy jerk’s hospitality, hang around their house as an “honoured guest” for a couple of months, then discreetly move on before you wore out your welcome and repeat the whole process somewhere else. There was a whole class of people who made lifelong careers out of being entertainingly weird guests.)
Like, sure, there’s no obligation to get into any of that if domestic affairs aren’t the focus of your story. However, if you are keeping the plot close to home, it’s something where a little bit of extra thought can pay large dividends. Keep it in mind when you’re plotting out that Pride and Prejudice Batman AU next time!
some perfectly average black cats
Hello! Just a heads up that these kitties are available as a prints in my Inprnt shop!
Please consider checking it out, but reblogs of this post with the added link are very much appreciated too!
melting cats
i’m gonna make a movie where two normal ladies fall in love. everything’s chill, no age gap, they’re both out of the closet, their families love them, everything’s fine. the catch is that one lady has a cat and the other lady never figured out what the cat’s name was cause the Owner Lesbian ALWAYS uses a dumb nickname and now it’s been three years and they’re getting married and it’s too late to just ask
It’s garnering more and more urgency because the cat’s importance is growing (the cat is going to be the ring bearer, oh no!)
The First Lady asks her fiancé if they should get a fancy collar with the cats name for the wedding and her fiancé throws her arms around her and says “great, would you go do that tomorrow?”
the longer i think about it the more that sounds like a valid conflict to base an entire movie around and the fewer problems i could think of that cant have a solid writing solution available
“Just wanted to confirm the spelling before I gave the order, hun. This shit is costly and I only got one form.”
“Oh, just the normal spelling, no crazy vowels or anything.”
This is so good. Plus it’s not like you can try out likely names and see if the cat responds, like a dog might. It’s a cat. It’s just gonna sit and squint unblinkingly at you regardless, no matter how many names you try.
Plot twist:
It’s not a stupid nickname.
The cat really is “miss kitty.”
Y E S
no no no. the cat doesn’t have a name, the cat owner never decided on one so she just goes with various silly nicknames. but since her fiancée acts like she is aware of the cat’s name, the cat owner assumes the fiancée mistook one of the nicknames for the actual name. but she doesn’t know which! so the cat owner doesn’t know what the supposed cat name is either, and relies on the fiancée revealing it at some point, but it never comes and she’s getting agitated too because she doesn’t want to admit she never named her cat
Hey hey hey in a similar vein to ^^^
What if
Neither if then know the name
Because it’s neither of their cat.
The cat decided to move in about the same time one of the girls did. Both think it’s the other one’s cat. Both are committing these increasingly elaborate shenanigans to figure out the name from the other.
One of my favorite things is modern adaptations that leave people with the same careers they had in the original material, because unless you’re a cop or a doctor that practically never happens.
Irene Adler’s an opera singer. We still have those! They don’t have the same subtext exactly, but nothing is going to because we aren’t the Victorians. She could continue to be an opera singer. I have never seen this happen.
Jonathan Harker can still be in real estate. That’s a job people have. A modern story that still involves Dracula contacting his firm to help him purchase property sounds amazing actually.
A modern adaptation of Dracula where you keep seeing Jonathan Harker’s face on bus stop bench ads for his realtor office.
#“This client doesn’t seem to exist online; a bit strange. But he’s elderly so it’s not that unusual” -Jonathan about to make a mistake – @capslockdoesntexpressmyjoy
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?” “Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.” “What, the molten rock?” “Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–” “You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?” “Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.
“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?” “Those worthless rocks? Yeah.” “80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”
“I’m telling you, they terraform for fun!” “Don’t be ridiculous” “No, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilp’s sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.” “Dear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?” “Psh, they’d probably pay for the privilege.”
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think it’s fun to be sent to horrible planets! They’re really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! It’s genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of ‘taming’ and ‘habitable’ are woefully incomplete.
“Why did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?” Grahssk’ti moans, clutching one limb.
“Those?” The human laughs. “Why bother? They’re not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.”
Grahssk’ti shudders. The ‘mosquitoes’ are… not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
“And the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?”
“I mean, they’re annoying,” the human says, shrugging, “but we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.”
Grahssk’ti flails helplessly. “What about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!”
“They’re so cute!” the human says, brightening. “Have you met mine? Her name is Spot!”
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered “completely and utterly inhospitable - it would be folly to try and settle there.”
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because “Fuck You That’s Why.” It doesn’t matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.
“This moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft - by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-” ‘OH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! I’m totally going to build a castle there.’ “What. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.” ‘Which will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.’ “….you….you are going to die, you know this right?” ‘I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?’
“Listen, lad. I’ve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was molten magma. All those aliens said I was daft to build a castle on a molten planet, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into the magma. So, I built a second one. That sank into the magma. So I built a third one. That spontaneously combusted, turned to ash, then sank into the magma. But the fourth one stayed up. An’ that’s what your gonna get, lad – the strongest castle in this solar system.”
“I’m gonna need for you to explain ‘hurricane parties’ to me again. You humans have the technology to track these apocalyptic storms of wind and rain and predict where on the landmass they’ll hit up to a week in advance. And you…have social gatherings during them?”
“Well yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength. Then it’s time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.”
“Oh good. Category 3 is what again? Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?”
“No no, Category 3 starts at 175 kilometers per hour. You left off the one.”
I’m sure I’ve reblogged some version of this before, but I needed the STRONGEST CASTLE IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM on my blog.
“This planet is so cool!”
“It’s a planet completely made of ice.”
“Yeah! Let’s send some scientists! Or I could be the youngest person there!”
“You’d die, it’s below freezing level!”
“But the blizzards are so pretty!”
“The storms of dEATH ARE NOT PRETTY!”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
“No, of course not. Nobody ‘sent’ anyone, they just went up there on their own.”
“They WHAT?”
Oh my fuck nuggets, the actual thread
these are absolutely some of my favorite threads on tumblr.
“And these spiral wind funnels are so powerful, they can move large objects around?”
“Oh, hell, yeah, I saw one toss railroad boxcars right into a cornfield.”
“Cornfield? This occurs in areas where there is agriculture?”
“Sure, it’s good farmland. Of course, there are towns and cities there too …”
“Wait, your people build their residences in the spiral-wind-funnel area of the planet?”
“Yup, we call it Tornado Alley.”
“Mm, right, good to know. Gorkle, one to beam up.”
“Humans are Weird: I Have the Data”
Book 1
Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08RSVHL81
Keep reading
Ooh, another book! (I have the anthology Humans Wanted and I love it)
Was kind of expecting this to be irrelevant by now but
The only one I disagree with is the luggage. The luggage is wreaking absolute havok, as it doesn't have an immune system. Or lungs. And it's *bored*
Idk why but villains with standards will always be the funniest thing to me. like you'll get someone who will take absolute pleasure in doing the most vile things but paying their minions less than minimum wage? how dare you insult their honor. there'll be a guy who just loves terrorizing people but if you say something sexist about his sidekick he'll punch you in the throat and step aside with glee to let her pummel you. villains who are like "murder is fine generally but if you're a homophobe then I'll tie you to a boulder and catapult you into the ocean". Idk there's just something innately hilarious about a villain who is very definitively bad, like extremely morally reprehensible, but like there are just certain things that even they won't stoop to, thereby implying that those who do are worse