we don’t talk enough about the thematic resonances of jackie pike being played by bonnie mcmurray
girl whose punchline is everyone wants to sleep with her ➡️ woman whose punchline is she keeps having babies…
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we don’t talk enough about the thematic resonances of jackie pike being played by bonnie mcmurray
girl whose punchline is everyone wants to sleep with her ➡️ woman whose punchline is she keeps having babies…
laughing about the idea of shane who has a vasovagal response to needles because i know in my heart that he would believe in his ability to beat it
he would believe so hard
HE is the master of this situation, and he can BEAT IT
he is MIND OVER MATTERING
he is FOCUSED
he is DETERMINED
he is PASSING OUT IN THE PARKING LOT
shane comes to, sees The Face and just immediately slides the towel on his head down to cover his eyes
here’s the real issue at the core of the matter of Ilya ghosting Svetlana for years; in the book she is just like his favorite hookup outside of shane so when he ghosts her that is shitty but its much more like a “we were friends but i moved and you know how that is” situation so when she like immediately forgives him and turns into the girl to kiki with about shane it doesn’t feel as bad even though it is like that sexist fanfic thing of this girl is totally ok to be a stepping stone to the real relationship. but if they do that to my svetlana I am blowing crave canada up.
I think Cliff loves what Ilya did with the Irina foundation and he wants to start his own charity but he can’t decide what cause he wants it to be for because there are too many causes he wants to support and Shane told him it would be most effective to narrow it down to one specific thing. so like twice a week he’s sending Ilya voice memos like “so listen bro I think I’m gonna start a foundation for kids at the beach to buy them new ice cream cones after a seagull knocks it on the ground”
One day in their mid-30’s Ilya says ‘everyone feels like a boy girl sometimes’ and Shane says ‘what.’ and then they never talk about it again
#genderqueer ilya who never ever thinks about gender in any complex way i love u#shane who has never once thought about gender in his life except in relation to attraction#YAYAYAYAYAY
Ok so a few times a year sevta demands a girls night with Ilya.
“Kak my privykli, Ilyushka, pozhaluysta” she will beg and really it’s just a show, Ilya trying to act like he can’t go (saying he’s too old, it’s too hard, he has to be at home with his husband ! Sveta hes a KEPT man now) because Ilya does love going out with his Sveta, his bright gorgeous girl, there for him for so much, for all of it.
And Shane, well Shane actually loves it, encourages it, knows that Ilya finds joy in being out, around others, in being a light in a busy room, dancing, being another body under lights and swelling music. He doesn’t covet it like he used to, when he was younger and lonely and looking for someone to fill something to deep and empty.
But Shane can see the light in his eyes after, when he’s a little hungover sat with Sveta at the bench in their kitchen eating greasy breakfast rolls and orange juice and talking over each other to tell Shane stories of their night- slipping in and out of Russian (and Shane sees something young in him, like that, in a hoodie with wet curls from an shower, brushing shoulders with Sveta who is in one of Ilya’s tshirt, hair up out of her bare face, giggling and poking fun at Ilya, tutting and wiping egg off his cheek and calling him ‘so messy. Rude little boy!’ And Ilya pouting and slapping at her hands. It breaks open something in Shane’s chest, to see his boy happy! Radiant in it and safe, with his family (his Sveta) it restores a part of him that knows Ilya lives for so long with so much misery pressing down down down on him).
However, it’s not just the hungover days- the house full with Ilya and Sveta and their loud happy chatters and usually quiet cosy mid afternoon naps, or the evening when Sveta will demand time with shane and shoo ilya away- cook with shane as they chat about hockey and their lives and their ilya- that are his favourite. It’s not even the quiet evenings after Ilya and Sveta have left in a hurry to their uber and Shane can take a long bath and watch whatever Ilya has deemed “too boring” to watch with him that week. He’ll eat a dinner Ilya would call ‘bland’ and be in bed before 10pm, his weighted blanket on, and his ocean noises on full blast.
No Shane’s most favourite part of Ilya having his girls nights is when his husband gets home. Shane doesn’t stay up, not when he knows Ilya won’t be able to help but wake him. Because when Ilya comes home from being out now, he comes home hungry for him. Starving. Ilya comes home like a puppy whose owner has been away for months and is now finally home. Shane is kind of obsessed with it.
His needy condition is a mix of many things, but mainly Between being tipsy (or very drunk, it’s a scale) or maybe high, as well as being around people who “aren’t Shane” all night (a direct Ilya quote) and remembering how it used to be, before Shane- Ilya had whispered this confession into the quiet dark of their bedroom, after the second ‘girls night’ ever- he had crawled on the soft carpet until he was knelt beside Shane’s side of the bed, jacket stripped off and in the hamper because he’s a good ! Husband thank you and dirty clothes go in the hamper. Especially club clothes.
He’d reached with cold hands to tug the covers down, and leant in to press his face toward the warm of Shane’s soft warm belly under the covers. Shane had woken up to Ilya’s cold nose at his bellybutton, startled with a small flinch and then his hand had found Ilya’s thick curls. “Ilya?” He’d slurred out soft and low and he could feel Ilya muttering against his stomach, kissing and nuzzling at the soft skin.
“You ok?” He’d asked and Ilya had nodded hard and fast and Shane had smiled but then he’d felt a shiver roll through Ilya, a muffled choked tiny sound and he’d pulled at Ilya, dragged his face up to him as quickly as his tired body could. “Whats wrong? Why aren’t you in bed?” Shane had whispered, trying to wake up- trying to understand.
“Outside clothes” Ilya had answered solemnly. Like quoting a law. “Okay. You ok? You have fun?” Shane asked voice scratchy, swallowing hard as he tried to orientate. He had finally got his tired eyes half squinting open and Ilya’s face had been right in front of him, heavy brow and serious wet eyes and Shane’s heart had tugged as if caught on a fishhook, reeling to chase after what had made his husband look so sad.
“Hey, hey, what happened? Are you? Is everyone ok? Is Sveta alright?” Shane’s questions has tumbled tumbled out as he touched his fingertips gently over Ilya’s cheeks, ache in his chest at his baby looking so horribly sad and mixed up.
“Shanya” Ilya had said seriously, and Shane shifted his hand to rub his thumb between Ilya’s eyebrows. “Yes baby?” He’d whispered low, other hand rubbing at the back of Ilya’s neck. He had looked like a little kid in trouble, knelt by the bed with wide sad eyes. “You are” he swallows hard, blinks and sniffles “my Shane” he exhaled and Shane answered soft “yes” automatic- Ilya nods “Ty — moya dusha” he rumbles. “Soul soul soul” Ilya had repeated. “Mine” he had said and pressed his lips to Shane’s forehead.
“My boy, moy malen'kiy fonarik, sent from Mama for my heart” Ilya’s voice had been so thick with emotion. It had made Shane’s stomach turn even if he’d only caught half the Russian words.
“Yours Ilya, always. Since I was a teenager since I first saw you hm?” Shane had reassured him, pulled Ilya’s face into his neck and stroked his hand over the back of his soft hair, over and over through his thick curls. “Yes” Ilya had muttered into Shane’s neck. “Since then. Forever for us. Always” his words thick and stumbly, more heavily accented than usual.
“Okay, okay baby” Shane had whispered, kept Ilya tucked close, his mouth against Shane’s pulse. After a moment Ilya had pulled back, put his mouth to Shane’s chin and whispered so that his mouth moved against the skin.
“I was so, lonely for very long yes? You filled those empty spots. I know, now I do not have these holes now in my heart. But tonight reminded me of when I did. I was very lonely without you. My Shane. My husband” Shane was sure his heart was going to push right out of his chest in his ache to comfort his Ilya. God. His sweetheart.
“Not anymore. Not anymore” Shane had replied and thought to himself I was so lonely too. So lonely in so many ways without you. He doesn’t say that, tells Ilya he loves him instead, in English in Russian, over and over and over. Finally Ilya had seemed to settle, something in his face soothing out. Shane had kept kissing at his face anyway. Shane had gotten then into the shower after then back to bed, curled around Ilya his chest to his boys back and breathed with him, hand rubbing over his heart until he’d gone back to sleep.
Ilya had been so shy in the morning, avoidant and quiet, embarrassed. It had been smoothed away in soft kisses eased into soft conversation Ilya with his back to Shane until the most uncomfortable parts had been peeled back. After they’d talked, whisky had been banned from girls night (and ever, Shane hadn’t seen Ilya that lost in a long time). But since the Whisky Incident™️ and Ilya realising how much he could drink on his meds before his happy buzz tilted the wrong way. Now, now Ilya was always a happy, buzzy or sleepy little puppy coming home to Shane, pawing at him, ready for attention. Shane loved it.
Even when Ilya woke him up from his sleep he couldn’t find it in him to be mad when Ilya would beam when Shane’s eyes met his, big toothy smile, his quiet sweet little “Helloooo Shanya” as he flopped himself onto Shane like a big dog that thought it could still be a lap puppy. He always showers first, because the rule is no outside clothes on the bed- strictly. And so he crawls over Shane smelling like soap and a beer still a bit and a bit damp and so overjoyed to be home. To be in their bed.
And anyway ! So, it’s one of these girls nights, and Shane is sound asleep when Ilya and Svetlana get home, he’s sound asleep on his stomach, Anya curled at the end of the bed. He stays asleep, up until Ilya closes the bathroom just a bit too hard and Shane wakes between one breath and the next, nuzzles his face into the pillow and listens to Ilya shower, the rush of the water and Ilya brushing his teeth, the sound of the ensuite door clicking back open, of Ilya’s soft, clumsy footsteps towards the bed.
Shane had missed him that night, sometimes the peaceful nights were nice but they’d both had a busy week and between social calendars and brand deals and charity work and a visit to Shane’s parents they hadn’t had much time just them that week. It feels silly now, all these years on when they get so much time together compared to the decade plus apart time they faced. Now they live and play and exist together but Shane still misses him. Sometimes he misses him just when he goes to the next room, it’s kinda embarrassing. But he knows Ilya misses him the same. He thinks it’s maybe just the horrible amount of love they are in. So Shane rolls over, shrugs away the covers to hold one arm out and mumbles a sleepy “c’mere”.
Shane smiles into his pillow when he hears the happy sound Ilya lets out. “Zaychik!” Ilya calls in delight, and then he’s crawling up on the bed, into the open covers and pressing his whole body to Shane’s. He presses his face into his neck and is kissing kissing kissing all over the warm skin, his hands up and down his sides, over his lower back and ass and hips. Finding the shape of him again like it had been days not hours.
“I did not mean to wake you I am very sorry” Ilya whispered voice slurry sweet and he pushes his nose against Shane’s ear, kisses at his earlobe.
“I tried to be very quiet. Promise” he whispers and Shane wraps his arms around Ilya, pulls him in tight to him, squeezes him.
“You need your beauty sleep I know” Ilya mumbles and bites at Shane’s jaw, chin, apple of his cheek.
“And yet you snack on me” Shane grumbles and it doesn’t deter Ilya, biting away on Shane.
“But m’starving. My husband says McDonald’s is bad for me so I do not get” Ilya says and drags his teeth over Shane’s Adam’s apple, makes him shiver.
“I was trying to be quiet” Ilya says then and kisses Shane’s nose. “For real” he says with a big eyed blink and then drags his nose over and against Shane’s in a few nuzzles.
“I know” Shane says then and shifts a little, so he can be on his back and Ilya can lay up over to of him, elbows on either side of Shane’s head, a nice weight on top of him.
“S’ok, missed you” Shane exhales as Ilya rubs his cheek over Shane’s, before turning his face to find his mouth. They kiss soft and small, drags of their lips until Ilya licks into his mouth to taste him.
“Missed you more. Horribly. Trapped at the bar when my beautiful wife is at home. Waiting for my return” Ilya whispers between their kisses and Shane snorts into his mouth, tugs at his curls.
“You have fun though?” Shane asks, checks, because he wants to know, what’s to know how their hours apart were, what made Ilya happy, what made him laugh, if he was good.
Ilya nods, “yes, good music, good dancing, good sevta” Ilya shrugs and shoves his face into Shane’s throat, collapses his whole weight down on Shane.
“But whole time I am thinking of my wife with her freckles and her pretty eyelashes and strong fucking legs and her in her panties in our bed, and how she is more beautiful than anyone in this bar” Ilya whines and Shane laughs, shoulders shaking and wraps his legs around Ilya’s hips.
“Panties huh?” Shane asks and Ilya nods, shoves his fingers under the waistband of Shane’s black boxers. “Yessss my favourite pair” Ilya confirms and Shane rolls his eyes, rubs his cheek over Ilya’s soft curls. There is a tired silence.
“Sleep?” Ilya asks then with a big heavy sigh and Shane nods, kisses Ilya’s forehead. “Sleep” Shane confirms, wraps his arms around his big heavy husband, flopped on his chest. The one that Ilya comes home to, everytime, the one he thinks of when he climbs into his uber to leave. His home.
“Wait” Ilya says suddenly, as if remembering something important and pulls back, holds Shane’s face in one hand and takes a minute to look at him, tipsy heavy blinks. His hand slides up and gently combs Shane’s hair back out of his face, the soft strands that fall to either side of his forehead. His thumb rubs over his temple and his eyes make maps all over his face.
“Ah. Just as I thought. You are. So crazy beautiful” he sighs.
“Just needed to make sure nothin’ changed while I was gone” Ilya smirks and leans in for one last kiss.
“Idiot” Shane mutters, and then sucks on Ilya’s bottom lip.
“Love you” Shane breaths and Ilya echos it back.
They fall asleep like that, Ilya’s fingers down Shane’s boxers smushed on top of his husband, where he can feel his heart beat steady under his.
ilya is such a cursed man even if he did kill himself you know he’d still be tied to this mortal plane forced to watch shane grieve him without being able to interact with him to comfort him just a shadow in the corner of the room
ilya rozanov...................
imagine you're born in russia in the early 90s as the second son to an older cop father and his young depressed wife and you're sweet and a lil clocky from birth so thats stomped out of you on the daily but its ok 👍 because you have your funny and beautiful mama. And then you're 12 and she kills herself and you find her pale cold body and your world ends. and everyone says it was an accident. everyone lies to your face and to each other and for What. she was so sad and he was so hard on her and wont ever take responsibility. you spend the next 10 years of your life making yourself Useful by becoming one of the best hockey players in the world. and you lose sometimes, naturally, but thats all that seems to matter. how hard you try doesnt fucking matter. your feelings dont matter. and you have to protect yourself somehow, so you refuse to care about anyone too deeply and you use casual sex and liquor to escape your suffocating life under your abusive authoritarian father and your leech brother. fuck anyone who hates you, you'll hate them right back. you'll be the most annoying bastard on the ice. you'll live for the jeers and boos and the fights. no one will ever come close to how much you hate yourself anyway. you're just like her. weak. sick. a ticking time bomb. she couldnt help it, after all. why else would she leave you alone? it had to have been inevitable. and your attraction to men doesnt factor into any of your long term decisions at all bc you likely dont plan to fall in love with anyone, let alone with a man. its just simply not an option. especially not the one who's supposed to be your enemy, your greatest obstacle to Finally Making Your Father Proud. you guys can fuck, sure, it makes you feel powerful and wanted, but nothing beyond that. even though you do love him. and you want him to love you. it's Not Possible. but your father gets sick and dies and you weren't there and you're a terrible failure of a son like he always said you were and they all hate you and you never want to go back. and some part of you wishes your father could've known you, really truly known you as a fully realized human being with thoughts and emotions and desires but there was no world in which that was ever going to happen no matter what you did and its all just too much. you finally cut off your terrible brother. you just want to live under your own direction for once. and you feel so fucking lonely and empty and you love your childhood friend so so much and she loves you but its not like that. not like it is with him. its never been like this with anyone. and the man you love invites you to his stupid cottage where he does stupid yoga on his stupid lake to be Alone Together because he cant keep pretending he doesnt like you ??? but he doesnt like you. no one could. but you want it so bad you can fucking taste it. he asks you so sweetly you could almost believe in a future together. but you cant. and THEN some old guy on another team comes out by sucking face with his Boyfriend on live tv???? ok. fine. fuck it all. you're going. a week, maybe even two. you love him and this will implode both your careers. so you dont say it. you cant. last time you got too comfortable he ran like he was being chased. so its casual. you can do casual. you can. and then he stays up late into the night constructing a plan to start a charity with you named after your mother in order to soft launch whatever this is between you and get people used to seeing you together. and he says he wants to be together for real. he wants you. and you just cant keep it in anymore. you tell him you love him. its terrifying more than anything you've ever fucking done but he says it back and god, you've been so so lonely and empty and you want to deserve this, you want to be good enough for his perfect life and perfect parents and friends and public image, you want to be worth it, love me love me love me love me please dont leave me im sorry please stay ill be good ill be whatever you want i can do it right just tell me how to earn it
it actually hurts so bad no matter what way u look at it because whether or not ilya is the favorite son doesnt even matter in the end because hes still just a cash cow and/or a shiny object to show off for his brother and father when it suits them.
hes only worth anything when hes winning otherwise hes bringing shame to his family name and his country rather than his older brother who followed in their fathers footsteps wrt career (and likeness and personality and) and hes a stranger in his own family and country and life because hes always always acting. being the obedient son. the constant crushing pressure to perform is there regardless. either you meet the expectations set or you dont, and you're berated for failure either way. it doesnt fucking matter because nothing you do will ever be good enough but you KEEP TRYING because WHAT ELSE IS THERE and the little boy his mother knew gets lost in memories. you cant afford to be soft, ilya. you've always been lazy, ilya. just like her, and look how she ended up. you need to WIN. nothing else matters. bring all that hurt and anger out when you need it. show the world your teeth. be cutthroat, be unkind, be vicious. forget anything else. otherwise you're just another loser. and nobody likes a loser!
drunk cliff and ilya racing each other home on a night out just absolutely sprinting through the streets and the winner is cliff if theres a dog (ilya WILL stop to pet it) and ilya if there isn't (he will throw rocks at cliff's feet until he trips)
Ilya want to crack Shane's chest open and crawl inside to nuzzle against his heart forever and Shane wants to crush their bodies together until they fuse into one being and never have to be apart. And I think sometimes they just stare at eachother with frustration, puffing and sighing mournfully, because they can't do that. Then they make out and maybe fuck bc that's the next best thing
i do think that there is a small part of ilya that during the terrible ottawa years thinks about how if he did die then he and shane would have this epic tragic romance solidified in amber for the ages like via the virtue of some random hockey player's country workout playlist he learns about gram parsons and emmylou harris and hears the emmylou quote about realizing she loved gram but wanting to wait to tell him in person and then he oded before she could and he has a sick fantasy of if he killed himself and right before shane realized that he wanted to go public and say screw the mhl and actually be together but he wanted to wait to tell ilya in person but never got the chance and so shane just had to hold that knowledge that he could've had ilya with him if he just changed his mind earlier or called him to tell him and one day shane would tell the world this and people would go how tragic! how terrible! rozanov could still be here if they could have actually been together! but ilya knows this is terrible and horrible despite the warm satisfaction he gets from thinking about it and he mentions it to galina one time right before the end of a session with his hand on the doorknob and she make him schedule another hour the next day
ilya and alexei kind of cane and able if you think about it a little bit
ilya the golden younger child versus alexei the forgotten older son. the source of their resentment caused by a cold father pitting them against each other. alexei’s best, following in his father’s footsteps, not enough. ilya’s gifts putting a target on his back. alexei would kill ilya with a rock but ilya would understand why. do you see the vision?
nobody thinks they know the real shane hollander and they’d be right but everyone thinks they know the real ilya rozanov and they’d be wrong
like sorry i think shane is selfish but also ilya is selfish too its just shane’s selfishness is more externally expressed and ilya’s is internal
like shane is outwardly selfish in his more controlling tendencies which he needs to soothe his very valid anxieties about the fact that hockey will kill them if they are open and honest but ilya is also hiding the fact that he’s clinically depressed and at the minimum passively suicidal from his long term partner because he doesn’t want to be a burden which is also really fucking selfish of him!!!
Даже не Jane?
when jackie gets pregnant with baby #5 and ilya is saying to her [dead serious] He needs to get off of you.