"The best therapy for myself that i ever discovered...whenever I have issues, I have to get them out creatively. After I had my miscarriage, which resulted in an abortion, because I couldn’t wait until I was so ill that I had to go to a hospital, I wrote a monologue. I was putting up a monologue show, and the theme was love. It didn’t matter what kind of love it was, but love of all spectrums. I wrote a monologue, and I made myself perform it, and it was about that experience. I was so horrified with myself for making it public. I was so ashamed that I’d lost a child. There was so much blame from everyone else, from my doctors, and everyone else across the board, and I couldn’t help it. I did nothing wrong, but I was told that it was my fault. My relationship ended because of the choices we were making, so to get through it, I made it as public as possible. And the overwhelming amount of support that then came was...awesome. That’s why I wanted to be interviewed [for this project]. Because that’s what I’m hoping it will do for other people. Help them speak out, and in turn get support.
I’m anxiety driven. My panic attacks, I still get them every once in a while, but after the abortion, it was multiple times a day. And [it was] because I was afraid of the exposure. Of the guilt. I do not like vulnerabilities of any kind for myself. I’m understanding of vulnerability in others, but for myself, I don’t accept it. I will hide it, and suppress it, and try to keep myself out of situations where I could be vulnerable. At that time, the idea that someone might find out what was happening to me was terrifying.
My panic attacks were kind of like hot flashes. They would roll up my spine, and over the back of my head, and I would be shaking uncontrollably, and I could not breathe. I had one at work, in front of everybody, and I had to hide in the coat closet to get away from everyone. I remember sitting in that closet, and I remember thinking “something has to give. Something has to change”. And I didn’t know what it was at the time, because everyone’s panic attack feels different. Which is why it’s important for people to TALK ABOUT IT. When you have an abortion, they make you go through therapy. It’s good, they need to know why you’re there, so they can help you. It’s one of the most jarring experiences, and you cannot fathom how you will react to it until you go through it. You can’t control those hormones, and you can’t control the life altering choice put in front of you. I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen abortion, but my life was at risk, and it was a miscarriage. Having to justify that to people was wrong. On top of that, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and I broke up with my significant other of 5 years. For me, that was the breaking point.
I have never thought about killing myself. I have never thought about harming myself, harming someone else, or giving up. But it’s still depression. [It is important to acknowledge] that non suicidal depression is still destructive, still deserves help, and is still worth treatment. It can ruin relationships, friendships, and physical health. God love the doctor who worked with me to figure out what would work for ME. I wasn’t an extreme case, but I still needed help. You have to be able to get ahead of the problem in order to control it. If you broke a bone, you wouldn’t just keep going and hope it mends itself.
Share your story. You don’t HAVE to go to therapy, you don’t have to do it publicly, but express your story the way you feel comfortable. As an actress, the easiest way for me was to do that in character, but still telling my own story. And making sure that people KNEW that it was my story. It may have made some people uncomfortable, but I had to make sure it was about ME. It’s what I needed to do, and I think that’s what people should focus on. There’s always something more to do, and if you can’t think of it yourself, go to someone who can help you."
