~

[balaclava-trismegistus]

Sun Tzu is so fucking funny to me because for his time he was legitimately a brilliant tactician but a bunch of his insight is shit like "if you think you might lose, avoid doing that", "being outnumbered is bad generally", and "consider lying."

[elidyce]

My personal favourite is his lengthy lecture on the subject of Supplies Being Very Important I Cannot Stress Enough The Importance Of Protecting Your Supply Lines But Also Supply Lines Are Expensive As Shit So Steal The Enemy’s Supplies At Every Opportunity. 

[biohammer]

via- @elidyce

[crazy-pages]

One of the more important things to consider about any historical work is the audience it was published for. The Art Of War was aimed at fancy nobles high on philosophy with little practical military experience who were nonetheless leading armies.

[limpurtikles]

Sun Tzu, after desperatly trying to explain extremely basic logic to a bunch of upper-class twits, basically sat down and wrote the most elaborate "As per my last email" ever

[roach-works]

the art of war is tedious and irritating when you read it as like, immortal prose by the most brilliant man ever to kick ass. but it’s incredibly fucking funny when you realize that sun tzu had to write every single one of those entries because someone somewhere did not know this ahead of time and made a really, really expensive oopsie doodles.

[queeranarchism]

A thing I love to do is telling prepper dudes that one of my disaster readiness skills is making stuffed animals. They never get it. Like, my dude, when things get very bad and we're all sharing overcrowded shelters, you're gonna want the power to comfort children. Trust me.

[itsme1rose]

You know what, I got a whole bunch of fabric / old clothes at home and no idea what to do with it. I might just learn how to do this too

[queeranarchism]

Then you might be interested in a database with hundreds of free plushie sewing patterns of just about any animal, as well as dinosaurs, pokemon, etc: https://craftresource.fandom.com/wiki/Plushie_Sewing_Patterns

& If that's a little overwhelming, here's some easy beginners plushies: - Manta Ray https://cholyknight.com/2021/05/14/manta-ray-plush/ - Whale https://craftresource.fandom.com/wiki/Whale_Plushie_Sewing_Pattern_(Lacey) - Simple dino: https://welivedhappilyeverafter.com/diy-long-neck-dino/

and a little more chalenging but my personal favorite: - totally not that one shark from a Swedish furniture chain store that everyone loves: https://freesewing.org/docs/designs/hi

[dumbass-rodent-deactivated20241]

As a bit of a prepper myself any sewwing ability is a vaild skill that is essential for so many things anyone who says otherwise is objectivly wrong

[queeranarchism]

Oh yeah, sewing has tons of practical survival uses. However I chose stuffed animals in this example because survival is a social thing. To survive these prepper dudes are going to have to be around a lot of people who are not their prepper buddies. And a big part of effectively doing that is just passing the time well together. Which requires earplugs and card games and things that comfort children. These are not luxuries, they're essential because they maintain the social structures that keep us alive.

[tomjoneslocker-deactivated20150]

[to the tune of YMCA] mothman, there’s no need to feel down I said mothman,

[stalinistgothic]

lift that man off the ground

[threshcadet-deactivated20170714]

[ornistheavianfiend]

[the-ryan-oceros]

CUZ ITS FUN! TO! SWING! A! HU-MAN!

[the-tired-tenor]

It’s him. The sultan of swing

[prokopetz]

Concept: a mermaid who collects human artifacts, but, like, exclusively objects that humans have dramatically cast into the sea in moments of high emotion, catharsis, or personal revelation. Each item is carefully mounted above a little index card that outlines the circumstances of its hurling in terse, clinical prose.

[burnt-kloverfield]

How many outdated cellphones does she have from businessmen who realize that Family is more important?

[prokopetz]

Fewer than you’d think. For a variety of fascinating demographic and cultural reasons, importance-of-family cell phones are considerably more likely to be hurled into lakes than oceans. She’s co-authored a paper on the subject that’s due to be published next month.

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

I hope it’s been pier reviewed

[screamydreamy]

this is so funny

[kesslersymbolic]

"He gave me my mail and said 'Are you expecting anything from Germany?' and I said 'I might be - we've got friends over there'," said Mr Biggs.

"He said 'Have a look at this letter' - so I had a look and turned it over and our friends' address was on the back of it and on the front it just said England."

Mr Biggs said the card had been sent from a sorting office in Germany close to Gloucester's twin town of Trier and had not been opened.

"I said 'How on earth did you know it was for me?' and he said 'I didn't, I've been wandering around with this', said Mr Biggs.

"My wife and I are absolutely shocked but this puts posties at five or six stars and top of the tree for me this Christmas."

The card, it is believed, may have originally been addressed correctly and so was sent to the right area of England - but with an address label that fell off at some point.

A Royal Mail spokesman said: "Royal Mail's team of 'address detectives' are renowned for their ability to ensure poorly addressed items of mail reach their intended recipients however, even by their standards, this is pretty impressive."

the royal mail detectives are a weird bunch, and like if it was addressed right it would get right but i love the idea they went "well it's from Trier so send it to the twinned town first"

[futureevilscientist]

Terry Pratchett would have loved this

[overthinkinglotr]

One of my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings is how the history of the environments always echoes what’s happening in the story.

Most sequences in Lotr are like: “the heroes enter a location that is ruined/fading/dead. Then the heroes do something that makes the location’s lost history come to life again, if only for a moment.”

Like the most obvious example of this is Moria. The heroes walk into Balin’s tomb and read the story of what happened there– the dwarves hearing drums in the deep, barricading the door, and being attacked by goblins.

Then immediately after the heroes hear drums in the deep, barricade the door, and have to survive an onslaught of goblins, just as the dwarves did.

The other really obvious example is Mount Doom: Sam tries to get Frodo to let go of the Ring, and Frodo refuses– echoing how Elrond tried to get Isildur to let go of the Ring, and Isildur refused.

But there are more subtle versions of this too-- like I’ve already talked a lot about how much I love this part of Weathertop. Weathertop was once a magnificent old watch-tower that was used by ancient kings, and long ago the ancient kings even used to battle over who owned it. Then the Northern Kingdom fell, and the watchtower fell into ruins and was forgotten.

But then Aragorn (a king in exile) and the Nazgul (who were “great kings of men”) return to Weathertop– and it’s like an echo of the battles that used to happen there.  This watchtower fell into ruin and lost its royal identity, the Nazgul fell into ruin and lost their identities, and Aragorn turned from kingship and chose a life of anonymity– so it’s like!!!!!!!! The kings are as faded as weathertop itself!! It drives me wild

(also: unrelated but I love this shot where Aragorn is a dark silhouette and the Ringwraiths are bright white silhouettes, it’s just nice)

Another example is Amon Hen and the Argonath. This land used to belong to Gondor,– but it’s broken, overgrown, in ruins, and gradually fading away.

And this is the place where Boromir dies– the place that symbolizes his country’s death.

But it’s also the place where film!Aragorn finally decides to accept his responsibliity to Gondor–when he realizes that Gondor/mankind has worth, even if it’s  faded and in ruins and ultimately doomed.

Or there’s Helm’s Deep in the Two Towers, where the history of Helm’s Deep as a fortress that can’t be taken is repeatedly tied to the hero’s efforts to save it. The heroes find courage by reminding themselves of the fortress’s history. (“The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep– one last time!”)

Or the way Frodo making the choice to take the Ring to Mordor, leaving his home behind, ties into the history of Rivendell– to the way elves are preparing to leave their home behind. Or the way the elves’ grief at how Lothlorien is doomed to fade away ties to the heroes’ grief at the death of Gandalf. 

Idk! It’s like every scene! And sometimes the characters themselves are aware they might relive the past– and it it fills them with hope (Helm’s Deep) or dread (Moria, Mount Doom.)  But sometimes it’s subtle, to the point where the characters themselves might not realize it’s happening. And i just think that’s neat

[prokopetz]

Movies where the lead actor did their own stunts are always either "the director forced them to stand in freezing water for fourteen hours a day while periodically throwing rocks at their head for the sake of 'authenticity' and they got PTSD and almost died" or "they insisted over the explicit objections of the production's insurance company that they be set on fire for real because it would 'help [them] understand the character's motivation'" – there's absolutely no middle ground.

[onyxbird]

From the Leverage commentaries, I gather that the latter must have a subcategory of "The actor wasn't supposed to do the stunt, but we took our eyes off them for 5 minutes and they slipped in and did the stunt before we realized it wasn't the stunt guy."

[gryphye]

"Fucking Oklahoma!" - John Rogers, every shoot.

[nevver]

Night at the museum, Nicolas Krief

[phantomrose96]

Cant have fucking shit in Detroit

[phantomrose96]

[phantomrose96]

Cant have shit

[phantomrose96]

Okay so door saga

The only way into my building is through the front door which locks itself when closed. There's a back entrance but it's deadbolted from the inside. This means the only people who can get into the building are me, my cat sitter with the spare keys, and the people living in the other two units.

The door to MY unit now... has no doorknob. Impossible to get in.

There is a shared BACK hallway that leads to the shared basement/back entrance. My back door into this hall is always deadbolted. EXCEPT, fortuitously, right now, since neighbor (Molly) in unit 2 had heard Patches meowing when alone and offered to spend some time with her, so I had the cat sitter unlock the bolt.

This, LUCKILY, means there is A Way into my unit. But it requires getting into the building, then going THROUGH my neighbors' unit into the back hall, then up to my unit.

Cat sitter is effectively locked out from Patches, and won't be able to get in if not fixed by the next day.

Text neighbor about predicament. They're willing to look at my door bUT (it's Christmas) they're not home and not getting home until the next day.

Next day, text for an update but hear nothing. (Neighbors aren't attached to their phones much). Communicate with catsitter saying "okay if I don't hear back from neighbors, maybe you go over and I contact a locksmith who you can let in?" (since cat sitter has the keys to the building)

Catsitter is very not keen on the idea

Patches is unaware she's a prisoner.

Hear back from neighbors. Say they should be home around 5pm.

Okay... Good Enough... (Patches graze-feeds so Luckily she hasn't missed any meals but we're going on 24 hours of house arrest Patches).

6pm comes. 7pm comes. 7:40pm I text asking for an update. Nothing.

8:30pm I'm figuring out what friends I can call to break into my own house. Text neighbor again and notice this text doesn't go through.

Text neighbor's partner being like "hey sorry, can't seem to reach Molly--". Get a text back "Sorry this is Molly on David's phone! My phone died." Family Christmas plans ran late but they're on their way back and will be home soon. Thank goodness.

9pm-ish, they get back, give Patches attention and top up her food. I get a text "David fixed your door!" Woo!

Friday 5pm I finally get home

Lugging my suitcase up three flights of stairs while I hear Patches meowing like a dying Victorian child

Shoes off coat off suitcase down fish out keys unlock door grab doorknob

...Doorknob falls off

Falls off right into my hands

Staring at doorknob. Staring at door. Patches meowing. Shove doorknob against door like an idiot and no it does not go back on.

Fucking

Go down flight of stairs, knock on Molly and David's door. David is luckily home. "My doorknob fell off again can I go home"

David lets me in. I scoot past their dogs and apparently I startled the more nervous one since she apparently tried to nip at me but I didn't even notice because I'm like my cat.

Get in through the back hall.

Patches comes bounding over.

My cat.

Doesn't even know she was a prisoner.

Doesn't even know what a doorknob is.

Later that night receive a text from neighbor apologizing for the dog and I'm like "I Did Not Even Notice."

Any attempt to leave my house now is perilous until I fix the doorknob.

Can't even leave my door cracked open because I know Patches is gonna shove her stupid little face through it and become the opposite of a prisoner.

I wanna go buy a reeces peanut butter cup but by god it's not worth the risk

I'm gonna try to fix the doorknob

Or... buy? a new doorknob?

On Amazon searching "doorknob".

Merry Christmas

[phantomrose96]

You are completely right because I have now investigated the knob and can confirm the screw holding the knob to bar was loose. I have tightened the screw and it SEEMS fixed but I’m very Fool Me Once on this since my neighbor also thought they’d fixed it.

There is a Home Depot trip in my future. Or maybe an online purchase if Patches would get off my laptop

[phantomrose96]

Merry Christmas I hope I know how to install a doorknob

[phantomrose96]

Complication. Doorknob is here and I tried to install it, but because my door is older than God, the latch-majig (technical term) is offset like an inch higher than the knob. Modern doorknob has the latch LEVEL with the knob.

To swap in the new knob I'd need to cut a new knob-hole an inch higher in the door which

With what tools

That would leave an unused gaping doorknob-sized hole in my door which any robber the size of a weasel or smaller will use to rob my home. I don't need fucking Redwall in my home.

Probably bad for the integrity of the door

I don't wanna.

I think what I really want is just the knob like above tags said. Like the knob and the rectangular bar, which I can substitute in for my stripped-bare knob and rectangle bar. I WOULD do this with the new knob, but it's got two welded-on spokes poking out from the knob.

I can maybe drill two holes for the spokes in my door...?

(Squinting at shitty amazon listings trying to see if any knobs don't have the two spokes)

(I think the two spokes might be standard.)

Developing new respect for Jesus (carpenter).

In the meantime, because I'd already unscrewed a lot of things I DID take the genius action of flipping my current doorknob around.

This way the side that causes problems is on the INSIDE.

Doorknob fall of while INSIDE house significantly better than doorknob fall off while OUTSIDE.

I'm retightening all the screws.

Patches has offered no solutions.

[phantomrose96]

So it does!

Never heard the term "spindle doorknob" before so I never would have found this on my own.

They're also all labeled "vintage" which extra feels right since my door predates the Cambrian Explosion.

Crowdsourcing my door fix on Tumblr dot com! Doorknob 2.0 is ordered.

[phantomrose96]

At least 4,000 but we still got time

[phantomrose96]

New doorknob should get here tomorrow, but in the meantime things in the notes of this post:

Several dozen stories of other people getting locked in/out of bathrooms/basements/classrooms/bedrooms/buildings. Extra shout out to the person whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid4reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesdweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Patches is on my keyboard

whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid succession, to both sides of a classroom door after being saved the first time.

Several people taking this as a sign to go tighten their doorknob screws, including someone whose knob fell off in their hands while doing this

10 or so people reading the "can't have shit in Detroit" meme to mean I live in Detroit. Sorry to confess I'm a fake Detroitite. Doxxing myself by 0.00001% more by informing the world I live in not-Detroit.

Many many people wondering why I'm not pestering my landlord about this. Truth is my landlord is way too sexy, cool, fashionable, smart, pretty, funny, and popular on Tumblr to it's me. It's me. I'm me I'm my landlord. It's my condo. Including, with immense regret, every single doorknob inside.

3 separate professional locksmiths who have reached out offering advice, which is very cool. I have burst into a virtual hardware store clutching my shit doorknob and fainted, only to be caught by three very strong and cool locksmiths rushing to my aid.

Person with a story of dogsitting a friend's Tibetan Mastiff who managed to knock the entire backdoor down. Taking inspiration from this to train Patches in battering-ram techniques, should she ever get locked inside again.

[phantomrose96]

[phantomrose96]

DOORKNOB

ALSO MY PAPER TOWELS

(Ran out of paper towels)

Old knob coming off.

Wretched thing. Accursed knob of woe.

Get undid

New knob reign by forceful coup. Went to great pains to PRECISELY wait Patches is escaping

Patches retrieved

Anyway GREAT care was taken to ensure both knobs are ALIGNED, EVEN, SCREWED ON, with the wait hang on

Patches retrieved again.

Anyway

DOORKNOB SCREWED ON

KNOB

Still gonna keep the emergency screwdriver in the hall for probably the next month.

[phantomrose96]

In conclusion look at my cat

[organatwins]

Sibling asked how ppl in star wars dance to jizz music and I had to give her an example

[dickgirlsdaily]

[organatwins]

its literally not a typo,,,, thats what the genre of the music in the video is called in star wars canon

[dickgirlsdaily]

[kalikatze]

OP made the post unrebloggable but said it's fine to screenshot and I'm in love with this

[technofeudalism]

son we pray to the Pork Clock in this household

[dimir-charmer]

CALL THAT A PORKET WATCH

[cipheramnesia]

[niggazinmoscow]

He look like he’s gonna break in tears at any moments XD

you can’t destroy love buddy

[sweetcribs]

THIS IS AMAZING!!! I WANT TO HUG THE PERSON WHO MADE THIS SIGN!!!

[weaselle]

I still fucking love this SO MUCH “no, please, throw it away, you’ve worked so hard, go ahead” like, waaaaay better than being upset by this impotent prick omfg so good

[what-even-is-thiss]

Well I would give a medieval peasant some spaghetti.

[what-even-is-thiss]

1. They don’t have forks. I would hand them a fork with it and see what they do.

2. They don’t have tomatoes. This is something they can never experience again

3. I would let them keep the plate because it’s a nice plate and I think they’d like it

[predatory-lesbians]

i love it when a post comes with its own FAQs

[good-fwiend-in-wome]

what the fuck do you mean they didn't have tomatoes

[what-even-is-thiss]

Tomatoes are not native to Afroeurasia and generally wouldn’t have been available on that continent before the Colombian exchange. When we refer to medieval peasants we’re usually referring to the poor of Europe and west Asia between the fall of the Roman Empire and the beginning of what we now call the Renaissance and Enlightenment periods. A time before the so-called age of exploration and colonization brought food such as tomatoes, maize, and potatoes to Afroeurasia and domesticated animals such as pigs and chickens to the Americas. European cuisine of the poor and rich alike before the Colombian exchange would still have been tasty with their wide selection of game meat, herbs, vegetables, and grains, but tomatoes would not have been available to them and that’s why I want to give a medieval peasant a plate of Italian-American style spaghetti with marinara sauce just like dad used to make

[juh-was-deactivated19691231-dea]

wait so. italy? i guess it’s not called afroeurasitaly, but…so “italian” food used to not have tomatoes? until they came from the americas? and they they what, decided “hey let’s just rebuild our national identity around these tasty christmas tree ornaments”? centuries of italy were lasagna-free and i’m just supposed to accept this

[what-even-is-thiss]

They had lasagna. It just didn’t look like what we think of lasagna today. It was more like layers of flat noodles with spices and cheese on a plate that you ate with your hands rather than a baked dish.

If you look at ancient Roman food there’s certain things we’d recognize as “Italian” like olive oil or fermented fish sauce or cheese but the flavor profile is completely different and pasta isn’t anywhere to be found. They also had herbs and spices that have since become unpopular or even gone extinct.

A lot of things we view as unmovable and unchanging about certain culture’s cuisines are incredibly recent developments. Modern Indian cuisine for example can be traced back to a singular guy in the 16th century. And these days lard is considered to be integral to making tamales but that wasn’t used until the Spanish brought over pigs and cows.

Food culture is something that can change very rapidly. Sometimes within a single generation. People generally use what they have available and what’s available can change at a moment’s notice.

[ailius-suffers-through-art]

This feels like watching a clown get questioned by the crowd before they pull out a history textbook and proceed to whack the audience repeatedly with it

[what-even-is-thiss]

That sums up pretty well what it’s like to be me yeah

[lady-arryn]

Everyone is dying, everything is dying, and the earth is dying also. I don’t know where I get the courage to keep on living in the midst of these ruins. Let us love each other to the end. — George Sand

[blueteamproblem-deactivated2020]

Bruce Wayne doesn’t swear. The man raises so many kids and is trying to set some sort of example, and still lives with his very polite butler guardian who would most certainly scold him every time he swore in front of the children. He also doesn’t use substitutes cause that’s too goofy, every time Bruce wants to swear he instead just stares intensely into the middle distance

[blueteamproblem-deactivated2020]

The kids on the other hand make up for this and then some.

[whetstonefires]

#i adore the implication the reason bruce is so silent and brooding and intimidating partly is because he’s holding back swears #it really shaped his batman persona becuase surely he has a lot to say about what hes seeing but hes in fact too civil to do so #it ends up as silent but effective intimidation 

(via tajmahthemoose)

[kiragecko]

Alternative:

When Dick was Robin, he used so many ridiculous substitutes that they crept into Bruce's vocabulary. This was just barely tolerable when Batman had a tiny Robin beside him to be delighted by, and add to, any silly thing Batman said. As Bruce Wayne, he had to stop entirely, so the connection between the identities wasn't obvious.

Now, Dick is 25. He still uses some ridiculous language, but he rarely patrols with Batman anymore. Batman has NO EXCUSE for saying, "Holy guacamole." It would be embarrassing. To protect his pride, he must refrain from swearing, lest some childish phrase slip out.

Batman is glaring intensely into the middle distance because he just thought, "You bet your sweet patootie, big mama," and it is vital that no one ever knows this.

[thigm0taxis]

Is this it? Is this the Missing Link? Have we achieved a Unified Theory of Batman that accurately accounts for all observations, both the corny ‘66 TV show and the subsequent stony live-action and animated brooding?

It was swearing, the whole time.....? Amazing.

[ayellowbirds]

this is the greatest Batman headcanon i've ever read.

[fallenangelvictorious]

Since Jason was a street rat he came with cuss words already downloaded. So occasionally Bruce would yell: “Leapin’ Lizzards!” at the same time Jason would say: “Motherfucker” and Bruce couldn’t break him of the habit because every time he not-swore Jason laughed at him for ten minutes straight.

[slowlikehoneyy-deactivated20241]