my ink stained hands

[vexheart]

[brainstatic]

Psst, hey, Marilyn Monroe’s image as a freewheeling sexpot was a carefully constructed lie. The real Marilyn Monroe was a roiling tragedy and her life was an indictment of our society as a whole. She was orphaned after her mother had a schizophrenic breakdown, bounced around between foster homes where she was sexually abused, and married a 21-year-old at 16 to get out of being sent to an orphanage. Hugh Hefner published nude photos of her without her consent that were taken when she was 23 and desperate. She suffered severe anxiety and depression, which she coped with by drinking and using barbiturates, and was already a full-blown addict when she became famous in the mid-50s. Her career was one of exploitation, condescension and alienation, and she killed herself at 36. That Hugh Hefner, a man who was at best an unpleasant footnote in her life, felt entitled to be buried next to her is one more humiliation in a pop cultural landscape we should all be ashamed of.

[class-struggle-anarchism]

“Please don’t make me a joke… I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one… I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity..”

 - Marilyn Monroe, last taped interview, days before her death

She deserved better than this

[inkandhush]

Hug

I am starving Like a little pet forgotten in the rain Shivering and soaked wet Looking at passerby with an abandoned gaze I hunger for warmth A real home to get back to and open arms My mind is all fuzzy and hectic Nearly eating itself up just thinking about it I would die for getting wrapped up in return To be able to bury my nose in a warm sweater To breath in that lovely scent, to feel that heartbeat against mine To dig my fingers into that soft fabric Piecing through it slowly, my nails tracing maddening sensitive skin before ripping into it Hearing breath hitching and this sweet, little cry out Feeling the warm red running down my fingers Over the back of my hand, my wrist and dripping down to the ground I want to cuddle them so tight Running my nose along their neck, before I take a bite Stopping their whines with my teeth, one rip at a time Maybe I will even sing them a lullaby

[inkandhush]

Early Memories

Do you remember those nights? When the sun went down but we still had her light? Spring birds singing on their flight. The first rain of the year, dampening our fields. Gardens blooming and children running laughing down the streets. I can still hear the crips sound of leaves getting crushed. My shoes got wet, rushing through the puddles and mud. I also remember those nights, when I have been little. No sleep in sight, but the world outside was cold and brittle. On the tables and shelves candle wax dripping.

[thequietcameafter]

Prayers

I can imagine your arms around my heart.

I’m drowning in this lonely dark,

on my knees crying.

I’m reaching for hands that aren't here.

[inkandhush]

I think, I know now, why I like picking apart movies, books and series so much. Looking at these characters so painfully close as if I wanted to autopsy them. I think I like the idea of someone thinking about me that way too. That if there is a way, we can make sense of the flaws of a fictional figure, understand and know them inside out, that maybe someone someday might have some grace on me too.

[paper-wounds]

[inkandhush]

Crossroad

I am incredibly careless, people say.   Collecting bruises on my arms like honor decorations. Cuts and burns whose origins I cannot remember for the life of me. But I might trail over them every now and then. Mapping them out with my fingertips. Where have I been? Will they ever really fade? When the praise had long gone dry. And no one else seemed to mind them too. Standing at the crossroad now. Between what might be and had been. I can still hear them screaming and feel their nails on my skin.

[inkandhush]

Some goddesses are hungry

Oh, I am sorry, but I think you misunderstood me, dear. My name is not Mercy, honey. I not here to save you. I am not the answer to all of your prayers. I got no gentle hands on me to hold you tight. My words ain’t kind or light up the night. But I am hungry, you see? And you are so sweet. There is no running from me. I swear, I will be gentle, beautiful So don’t scream. After all, you have been the one asking for me.

[inkandhush]

The Hunter and me

You remind me of a ghost, but not a gentle one. You hunt me. You taunt me. I can run and run but you will always be standing right there waiting for me. Riffle in hand and aiming at my chest. Ready to shoot. No wit would ever save me from you. And no matter how many times I call you off, you will just be watching me losing my mind about this. You will never stop howling at my door, right? Not until I’ve cut off my skin. Not until I’ve burned you to the ground. Not until I’ve screamed you out my lungs, you won’t.

[inkandhush]

What is to be expected

I do not want to be someone’s daughter anymore. Or someone’s anything for all it matters. I want to be a concept. Like a wild wind no one can grasp. Or like a whisper hard to hear. I want to be seen by people in a way that they have to take double takes just to see me vanish in the crowd. I want to be like something someone once said but can not place for the life of them. I think I want to be anything and nothing at once, but most importantly, I never ever want to be just a role again. A means to an end. Just placeholder doing her duty. Duty. Who gave me duty? Who burdened those shoulders with it, when I wasn’t even able to speak? Speak up. Decline. I just want to be, God damn it! I would like to be human for once, please. Pretty Pretty Pretty please?

[inkandhush]

Please don´t take my hand, for I have thorns and I am afraid, that I can`t help it but sting you.

[inkandhush]

The path ahead

I would like to enlight my way. To shine on every single one of my steps and to always know exactly, where I am going. But I don’t. I am like a bag of black Tee in hot water – darkening it. I grow like a storm from afar and where ever I go, I throw a shadow on the ground. So I take my bitterness, embrace the heat and try to find comfort in my deep, dark waters. For where is darkens, there is light. So I light up candle and keep my head up.

[inkandhush]

Loved to death

My lips are so cold. Just like you. But they ain’t touching something livin’ when I let them wander over you. I close my eyes, breathing in your fading scent. My stained hand wandering up the side of your still chest. You wanted this so badly, baby. Didn’t you? No matter how many times, I pleaded with you. And now look at you, lying so peaceful on the hard ground with me snug up to you. Your chest wide open, just as empty as your eyes staring up blindly to sky. A blanket of red growing underneath us. I sigh, kissing my way along your jaw. Leaving a trace in the color of your life. I should leave you here. I really should. But I can’t. So, I settle down next to you. My head on your shoulder and my fingers caressing your heart resting on my lap. Looking up at the sky too. Till you wake up again, love. I will wait.

[inkandhush]

A Gift

I want to give you a part of me. A small part. The light of me. The part of me that holds my delight and keeps me going. The part of me, that will surely make you smile. I give it to you with both hands, a small gesture. I hold it directly in front of you, so that it hovers between us and just when you about to take it, I stop you. You look at me, confused and I – damn! I want to give you all of me. Not just a part, a splinter. Devour me. Take me completely. I beg you. For I am more than just a part and I have more than just one Side. I am a shadow, I am bitter and I am fire. Bright and warm and hungry. I am war, I am peace and I am my own whole world. I am the beginning and I am the end. A part is simply not enough. I can´t divide a part and a part does not describes close enough, what I feel. Who I am. So take me, hold me and never let me go. For this is yours and I want to share this with you. I want to feel this with you. Pure and raw and skin on skin. Despite the doubts, despite the fear.

[inkandhush]

Hug

I am starving Like a little pet forgotten in the rain Shivering and soaked wet Looking at passerby with an abandoned gaze I hunger for warmth A real home to get back to and open arms My mind is all fuzzy and hectic Nearly eating itself up just thinking about it I would die for getting wrapped up in return To be able to bury my nose in a warm sweater To breath in that lovely scent, to feel that heartbeat against mine To dig my fingers into that soft fabric Piecing through it slowly, my nails tracing maddening sensitive skin before ripping into it Hearing breath hitching and this sweet, little cry out Feeling the warm red running down my fingers Over the back of my hand, my wrist and dripping down to the ground I want to cuddle them so tight Running my nose along their neck, before I take a bite Stopping their whines with my teeth, one rip at a time Maybe I will even sing them a lullaby

[inkandhush]

Whisper from the back of the mind

If you take my hand, know I will not offer you peace. Or safety or a shoulder to cry on. I am not the harbor; you’ve been looking out for or the god, you’ve stopped praying to long time ago. No, honey, I am what you need to survive. I am that drive within you. That roaring feeling in your chest barking out at injustice. I am the fire in your belly daring to consume you, if you do not finally set me free. So, light the matches, darling. Take my hand and dance with me through the flames. Let the cracking of age-old patterns be our melody and let me spin you through the chaos. We both know, nothing will safe us if we do not hold on to each other, do we now? So don’t be scared. Take my hand.