I lowkey had a crazy breakthrough realization with my mental health this weekend tbh?
Because my adhd and depression make me 30% disabled I have this, like, government assistant who comes by every other week to help me with self management stuff.
After being out of commission for the last 4 months due to a broken ankle, she was finally well enough to continue our sessions this last Friday, so a lot of our scheduled meeting was spent just catching up with each other.
For one reason or another, she learned that I used to dye my hair when I was younger and that I eventually stopped doing that and haven't even been to a hairdresser in like 2 years - and she just casually offered that we could dye my hair together some time if I wanted to, or we could just set up a hair dresser appointment together.
And like... Something about how she said it, the way it was so sure and casual - it kind of uprooted something in my brain, because the concept of doing that has never been more than a fleeting wish that simply felt unattainable. It didn't even occur to me as something I can ask for help with, that hair maintenance is, in fact, also a very normal, human need and not just a luxury I can go without.
Why did I stop taking care of my hair? My body? My teeth? When did I settle on only doing the bare sub-par survival minimum of personal grooming? One of my biggest sources of self hatred is how unkempt and filthy I feel in my own body sometimes, even though that's so fixable, why does that feel impossible to tackle?
And then it hit me like a fucking truck:
My brain was still operating in power saving mode.
At the height of my depression I often had so little mental energy and so much fatigue that investing it into anything that wasn't strictly survival necessities and escapism for sanity was basically impossible. Just getting out of bed was a struggle sometimes.
But like... I'm medicated now. I have palpably more energy to spare - I have the capacity to spend some of it on more than the essentials. I just... Hadn't fully realized it's actually an option again, until that conversation.
...And it's like a switch flipped in my brain. I haven't felt so suddenly inspired to actually tackle personal change like that in YEARS!
The day after our meeting - Saturday - I went grocery shopping and actually got myself some mouth wash and a bottle of proper face wash too.
For the first time in ages I brushed my teeth every morning and evening without it feeling like a draining hassle - in fact I hadn't realized how much I missed how nice it is to go to bed or out of the house in the morning feeling refreshed and clean like that.
I showered on time, I cleaned my desk without having to psyche myself up for it because the disorder on it finally actually bothered me.
I need to ask her if we can go clothes shopping some time bc I'm ngl a lot of mine are slowly falling apart with moth holes, loosened elastics or sudden tears...
I'm trying to take this in baby steps so it doesn't crash and burn me with overwhelm, but I feel like I'm finally on an actually sustainable path away from my internalized self hatred, and it starts with taking proper, mindful care of my body again.
It feels nice to have found a starting point at the very least.
Idk, I just felt like getting that off my chest, and maybe it helps someone else? Either way, thank you if you read this far <3