Hey there, at 24 I guess I have finally figured out my life - most of it. It took me years or wondering, wandering, confusion, anger and fear to have come up on this point. I have found myself again, I have found my soul and it is because of God.
I grew up as a very shy and anxious loud kid, who was very confused and agitated all the time and seemed to have no structure. Insecurity came over me and as the result of that I haven’t managed to find myself, to find my soul.
I would always end up feeling confused and restricted, having to always end up copying others while trying to create myself as well. I grew up in an environment where love was shown by service usually, but never verbally. It took me years o figure out how one generation’s fault can affect the other - if you aren’t careful enough. Dysfunction in the family seem to have a loop in our lives that it feels like we are never going out of that life.
Our family tries hard tho, teaching us good values and strictly follow the Bible even if it wasn’t introduced to us well. Hard work, dedication, respect and focus was always the highlight of talks without ever really to deeply connect with one another, like how your day was - what are your plans tomorrow, what made life good today? No, it was constant bickering and criticism, a lot of noise and shouting and alcoholism that life seemed to come of tides for me, so I never really developed a formidable structure as responsibility was taken off of me because of a way of a misguided, overprotective love. I grew up as an extremely emphatic person, more than logical. I could say I’m still an intelligent person, as I got good marks in class.
But my life had been a constant wandering, and uneasiness. It seemed as if, I’ll always drown in despair, with little times of floating with endless waves crashing through my throat. It did develop, however, my passion for writing - so I became a good writer, not the best, but I do have some writing skills.
I tried to be different compared to my sibling, she tops the class because she developed great organizational skills as she was severely disciplined, yet lacked emotional empathy. So she was completely different from me, I was the emotional one who has an okay grades, and since I ran around in circles all the time, I did not develop a study structure to be able to benefit me throughout med school. That’s where every thing starts.
As I’ve said, I’ve lived by following my emotions first, as logic had failed me too many time as I’ve grown up seeing that it’s bad. But I tried to be logical, because that’s where respect is and since I did not have a good look on myself, I relied on others to look at me.
I always follow without question, but I was always ignored with my importance. I felt extremely dumb around home, and as emotional as I was, logic was out of the window, and all the sorrows and love completely turned into ego. It did help me at first as some narcissism helped me have a good look on myself, and what makes a person a winner in life and I tried to be those things, even entering something that my mother wanted for my sister, because I thought - I would both get recognition finally as I was bullied and respect from my clan.
But I was also lost as I thought arts was for me, because I’m an emotionally empathic person - I’m not a great artist, so I kicked some little logic to myself that art would survive in the real world when you’re great. My greatest was cultivated because I didn’t know how.. I always followed, BUT - I NEVER LISTENED TO MY HEART.
NEVER LISTENED TO MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS CONFUSED. Disrespect, verbal criticism, pity, and looking down on me by my family haunted me. It took the soul out of me, so I took God out of me.
It seems, that the severely righteous people hurt others, as they are arrogant and harsh. and all along I needed those experiences to know myself, to know my worth, and to know who really loves me.
I worked my heart out when I entered med school, I didn’t have any organization so I started from scratch, I had many failures and my ego drove me to my comfort zone - thus, learning and re-learning everything. I did took things for granted because of my anger towards my family, and I was itching to leave them for good. Maybe if I knew how to ace exams, I have probably would - but it would have made me a proud, narcissistic person who gets hurt at the end of the day. I would have made a false life out myself, and so I wanted to feel that life out of love. The love that was given to me was glitches, as it was full of conditions, manipulation, and fear. It made me followed blindly but also sad. I knew that I wasn’t at the right path when I was in med school, my passion in life was to have a job which gives me time to myself, explore the world, and someday - have a happy loving family. I kinda didn’t want to be totally consumed by work.
I didn’t fully know how to love but because of God I’m starting to have sense of my life again. God makes me strong, he makes me sorted out. He makes me calm. All I needed in my life was somebody to trust my heart with, and that’s God. God I’m leaving everything to you.
To live a good life you need love.
Love is structured without rough edges, love is order and organization where everything seems to be at the right place and time. Love is how you think, speak, act right. Love is the truth, and the truth of this world is discipline and hard work, and God gave us these reasons.
