I'm feeling a bit annoyed at myself, or rather frustrated by how my various conditions interact with each other, mostly to my detriment.
Currently been struggling with getting the living room sorted. We had some great ideas about how we could rearrange things to make storage easier and also help things get put away when I'm done with them. To do that means moving stuff more in the way (awkward but necessary) , hoovering lots of stuff, sorting everything by type, doing some DIY on a storage unit to make it more functional for me, moving stuff around, putting stuff away in new homes.
I have had days when my brain feels like it can manage with doing it, but my body is having a flare up & so I'm in too much pain, my muscles are overly tight/knotted from repeated joint subluxations etc. So I can't do it.
My partner has offered to do lots/all lf it for me, but due to cPTSD that's not currently viable unless I'm there watching & directing everything they do. So they said that was fine, we could do that. But my brain struggles with putting directions into words. "Move the thing to the whatsit pile which is somewhere" is about the most my brain can muster and it ends up being easier to just do the thing myself than describe how to do the thing. But I'm not doing the thing, so its not happening.
Then I get days like today where I didn't really sleep at the correct time last night (remembered to go to bed at 6am this morning lol) so I slept most of the day & I've only now just eaten something. But still got a few hours before dinner where we could theoretically do a small amount of what needs doing. But the autistic part of my brain is like "but we can't do that! Its dark outside which means its Rest & Relaxation Time™️, not Doing Things Time™️!"
And I'm yelling to myself in my head like, "You're fucking time blind! The only reason you even know its evening time is because its currently dark outside, why the fuck does it matter⁉️" And the autistic bit is just sulking, saying "it just does" (crosses arms in my head, & slumps down).
And I am desperate to get this all sorted because it being like it is is causing me to feel very anxious and my anxiety levels being higher triggers inflammation which triggers my bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia and my body interprets lots of anxiety/inflammation as something to be allergic to which sets off my MCAS which makes things harder to do. Which makes me more anxious which.... .... .... ....
I just wish I could turn myself off so the "sensible part" of my brain can just get on with things, but that's not how it works. I know that I would likely do better if I got diagnosed and medicated, but in order to get diagnosed I need to actually arrange a doctor appointment which given how bad my executive dysfunction has been, has taken me over 4 years at this point. And even if I do get an appointment sorted to get referred for diagnosis, there's a stupidly long waiting list to be seen and once diagnosed there's yet another stupidly long waiting list to even get to try medication. Which I might not be able to tolerate anyway because thanks to being autistic & (probably) having EDS, I'm hypersensitive to pretty much everything I have ever been trialled on (I always get the super rare side effects on the lowest possible dose because of course I do).
And the whole of everything just makes me want to scream.
I wish I wasn't like this. But I am and I'm trying so hard to figure out coping strategies for everything but its just really hard because everything is so tangled up. You pull on one thing to work on finding workarounds for it & everything else comes tumbling down.
And its so tiring. I'm exhausted all the time even if I'm not doing much.
