Alfred strikes me as somebody who will drop the most insane lore about their lives or past with zero context. Like Alfred yes had a life before the Waynes but he doesn’t exactly bring it up for obvious reasons. And like, no member of the Bat family is safe or prepared for the lore Alfred will drop on a random Sunday afternoon.
Tim comes home from school with a permission slip to go on a school trip to Belguim and Alfred just goes, “I liked Belguim. Had to parachute in, landed in a field. This woman started beating me, I thought it was to quench the flames but no, I landed in her tulips”
Jason is watching Lord of the Rings in the living room, couch rotting essentially and Alfred is dusting in the background, only to glance at the TV and go “Oh, that’s where Ian ended up. He was a fantastic lover.” And Jason just almost breaks his neck because Alfred and Sir Ian McKellan???
Steph is doing her history homework and asks Alfred what he remembers about the war and Alfred who is sewing up a cut in a cape just goes, “Technically I didn’t fight in the war. But off the record, Hitler cried like a bitch when I pulled out the revolver.”
Damian gets invited to a classmates’ Holy Communion and he’s got zero clue what to do so Alfred volunteers to explain and Damian is like, I thought you were an atheist and Alfred shrugs, “I was going to be a priest but I got excommunicated by the Pope. I think I’m still barred from the Vatican, because I tried to break into their archives.”
Duke is reading A Song of Ice and Fire and he jokingly asks Alfred has he ever met a real life knight and Alfred just gives him the weirdest look and goes “Master Duke, I am a Knight of the Garter?”
Alfred recieves a birthday card very year, always smiles faintly and then pops it into a box in the kitchen. The kids think Alfred has a love interest but no, it is Queen Elizabeth II? When asked, he rolls his eyes and says it was a summer fling to him and even though that “Lizzie married that nice Greek boy” she always remembers his birthday.
Dick loves the band Queen and always has them playing in the car. One day, he volunteers to pick Alfred up from a thing in the city only for Alfred to turn up the radio and start singing the song word for word and Dick isn’t really that surprised because Alfred has sung along to them before. But what Dick does like expect is Alfred saying that he helped them write Bohemian Rhapsody. “I was pretty sloshed but when you work with Master Mercury, there is no excuse to not match his creative energies, Master Dick”
Bruce also loved Doctor Who growing up because Alfred got him to watch a lot of English classics but he rememebrs the absolute whiplash he got when watching one episode where they travelled back to meet Shakespeare and Alfred just says, “William didn’t look anything like that” and Bruce just snarks “you’re old Alfie but not that old” and Alfred, knitting a winter jumper just goes, “of course not Master Bruce, this was when I had to time travel for MI6”
dick grayson: Happy father’s day to the man who called the cops on me when he didn’t find me in my room sleeping in the middle of the night and thought I snuck out of the house.
dick grayson: I was downstairs in the kitchen eating cereal and also 18. Cheers to you, Bruce.
Synopsis: Jason Todd takes over your job for a day and can barely last a few hours before everything goes wrong.
The Wayne Enterprises lobby was already busy when you walked in that morning.
Executives moving too fast. Assistants balancing coffee trays and tablets. Security nodding as you passed through the glass doors.
Normal.
Predictable.
You adjusted the strap of your bag on your shoulder and checked the time on your phone.
7:58 a.m.
Early.
Which was exactly why you stopped short when you heard a familiar voice.
“Reschedule the Zurich call to ten-thirty,” Jason Todd said, walking beside Bruce like he’d been doing it for years. “Legal already sent the merger revisions, and the board briefing is in the car.”
You froze for half a second.
Because Jason Todd.
Jason Todd
was holding your tablet.
And he looked irritatingly comfortable doing it.
Bruce didn’t even slow down.
“Good,” he said simply.
They kept walking toward the elevators.
You stood there for a moment.
Watching.
Then started after them.
Your heels clicked sharply against the marble floor.
Bruce clicked the button to the elevator to come down and turned towards Jason.
In the corner of his eye he saw you approaching.
“Good morning, Y/N.” He said with a nod
You smiled, “Good morning, Mr. Wayne.” You turned to face Jason, “Mr. Todd.” Your smile fell.
Jason had a shit-eating grin on his face as he turned to face you, “Good morning, Sunshine.”
The nickname annoyed you as you took a deep breath and flicked your eyes down to your tablet in his hands.
“And why,” you asked calmly, “are you holding my tablet?”
Jason didn’t even hesitate, “Borrowing it.”
“You stole it.” You turned to face him.
“Borrowing.”
Bruce stepped into the elevator without intervening.
Jason followed.
You stepped in last.
The doors slid shut.
You crossed your arms.
Jason leaned casually against the wall beside you.
“Relax,” he said. “I needed the schedule.”
“You could’ve asked.”
“I did.”
“You did not.”
“I asked Bruce.”
You turned to Bruce.
He didn’t look up from the papers in his hands.
“I said he could try today.”
You blinked once.
Slowly.
Then turned back to Jason.
“Oh,” you said.
Jason’s grin widened, “Oh?”
You looked him up and down.
Expensive suit. Rolled sleeves. Messy dark hair like he’d run a hand through it too many times.
Luckily for you, everything went downhill at approximately 1:40p.m.
Your phone buzzed once. Then again. Then three emails hit your inbox at the same time.
You didn’t even look at them yet. You already knew.
The charity luncheon venue had cancelled.
Two hundred donors.
No venue.
You leaned back against the edge of your desk, crossing one leg over the other slowly. “…Right on schedule.”
Across your office, Jason’s phone rang.
You watched him answer it. Watched the shift in his face as whoever was speaking kept talking.
Confusion. Annoyance.
Then realization.
His head snapped toward you.
He hung up the call and started walking toward you with the expression of someone about to start a fight.
“Did you know about this?” he asked the second he reached your desk.
You looked up lazily. “Know about what?”
“The venue cancelled.”
You gasped softly, placing a hand on your chest. “Oh no.”
His eyes narrowed immediately. “You’re enjoying this.”
“Just a little.” You squeeze your thumb and finger together before taking a sip of your coffee.
Jason dragged a hand through his hair and stepped closer to your desk. “There are two hundred donors on their way. Press. Sponsors. Bruce is across town.”
“Mhm.”
“You’ve dealt with this before.”
You shrugged one shoulder, still sitting comfortably on the desk. “Maybe.”
His jaw tightened. “…How did you fix it?”
You took a slow sip of your coffee.
Didn’t answer.
Jason exhaled sharply through his nose and stepped forward until he was right in front of you. Close enough that the scent of his cologne mixed with the coffee in your hand.
Then his hands landed on the desk.
One on either side of you.
Not touching you. But definitely trapping you there.
You didn’t move. Just tilted your head up to look at him, legs still crossed like you had all the time in the world.
His voice dropped slightly. “Help me.”
You raised an eyebrow. “I thought you could do my job.”
“I can.”
“Then do it.”
A beat passed. Neither of you moved.
Jason’s eyes flicked over your face, frustration tightening his jaw. He was close enough now that you could see the faint scar near his lip.
“…Please,” he muttered.
You blinked once.
Well.
That was new.
“You’re asking me nicely?” you said softly.
“Don’t get used to it.”
Your mouth twitched. But you still didn’t move from the desk.
“You were very confident this morning,” you reminded him.
“Yeah.”
“And now?”
Jason leaned closer without even seeming to realize he was doing it, his arms still braced on either side of you.
“Now I’m being practical.”
You tilted your head, studying him. “Is that what we’re calling it?”
His eyes dropped for a split second.
Not long. Just enough.
Then they came back to yours.
“You going to help,” he said quietly, “or are you just going to sit there and watch me fail?”
You slowly uncrossed your legs and slid off the desk, causing him to back up.
The movement shifted the space between you just enough that your shoulder brushed his chest when you stepped past him.
Jason stilled.
You grabbed your tablet like nothing had happened.
“Come on,” you said calmly, heading toward the elevators.
He turned slowly. “…That’s it?”
You glanced over your shoulder. “I already fixed it.”
Silence.
Then Jason caught up with you in three long strides. “You what.”
“I booked a backup venue yesterday.”
He stopped walking entirely. “Why.”
“The coordinator has a tendency to be.. unreliable.”
“So you just—”
“Prepared.”
The elevator doors opened and you stepped inside.
Jason followed a second later, staring at you like he was trying to figure something out.
“You’re insane.”
You hummed lightly. “Efficient.”
He leaned back against the wall of the elevator, arms folding across his chest now. Still watching you.
“I thought you were just a secretary.”
Your eyes slid to him. “Assistant.”
“Right.”
But he wasn’t mocking you this time.
He was studying you.
And when the elevator stopped, you stepped out first.
Jason followed and then suddenly caught your wrist.
Not hard. Just enough to stop you.
You turned back slowly. “What?”
His expression had shifted again. Still competitive, still stubborn.
But now there was something sharper beneath it.
“You enjoyed that,” he said.
“Watching you struggle?”
“Yes.”
You smiled slightly. “Immensely.”
His grip loosened but he didn’t pull away right away.
“You’re impossible.”
“And you’re dramatic.”
Jason finally released your wrist and stepped back, letting his hand fall to his side like he hadn’t just stopped you in the middle of the hallway.
You smoothed your sleeve like nothing had happened and started walking again.
“Backup venue is already confirmed,” you said, scrolling through your tablet. “Cars are being redirected, press got the updated statement, and catering’s following the guests. Crisis avoided.”
Jason walked beside you, quieter now.
He let out a short breath through his nose. “You’re unbelievable.”
You glanced at him sideways. “You’re welcome.”
By the time you reached the new venue, donors were already filing inside, the press crew setting up near the entrance. Everything looked… smooth. Controlled. Exactly how it was supposed to.
Bruce’s car pulled up a minute later.
He stepped out, adjusting the cuff of his suit as he took in the scene. The crowd, the staff, the setup.
“Everything looks handled,” Bruce said, glancing between the two of you.
Jason opened his mouth like he was about to say something.
Then he paused.
His eyes flicked to you.
You were already checking the guest list again, completely focused.
Jason looked back at Bruce.
“She handled it,” he said simply.
Bruce’s eyebrows lifted slightly before he turned to you.
“Well done,” he said.
You nodded once, professional as ever. “Thank you, sir.”
Bruce gave Jason a small approving pat on the shoulder before heading inside to greet the donors.
For a second it was quiet again.
Then Jason stepped a little closer to you.
Not enough to be obvious.
Just enough that you could hear him when he spoke.
“Guess I owe you one,” he said quietly.
You didn’t look up from your tablet. “You owe me several.”
He huffed a quiet laugh.
Then he leaned in just a bit, voice dropping lower.
“I’ll have to thank you later.”
Now you looked up.
Jason was already straightening, that faint, crooked smirk back on his face like he hadn’t just said that.
You narrowed your eyes slightly.
“Focus on surviving the rest of the day,” you told him as you put your tablet to his chest.
He put his hand over yours holding the tablet. You pulled your hand away as he started walking toward the entrance with Bruce.
But just before he stepped inside, he glanced back at you.
