#incorrect bruce wayne

[ramen8008]

Bruce: wait what do you mean you guys are seeing someone?

Damian: therapist

Tim: romantically

Jason: hallucinations

Dick: all of the above

[sodamnbored]

New parent Bruce at two in the morning: Why aren’t you in bed?

9-year-old Dick, sitting at the table eating ice cream: Because I’m in the kitchen.

Bruce tiredly, digging out some coffee: And why are you in the kitchen?

Dick: Because it’s where the ice cream is.

[jasonsthunderthighs]

Dick: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Tim: My life is a little too much fall out and not enough boy.

Jason: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance

Damian: My life is a little too much imagination and not enough dragons.

Bruce: *Facepalmin* All I asked was how your weekend was.

[incorrect-waynemanor]

bruce: damn it, jason!

tim: jason’s not home

bruce: force of habit. damn it, tim!

tim: nice try, but it wasn’t me either

bruce: what? then who left the warehouse door unlocked?

cass, halting outside the kitchen:

[thebat-musicman]

Im not sorry

Jason: Tim I need you to be straight with me

Tim: Wow Jason I never thought you were homophobic

Jason:

Tim: *finger guns*

Bruce: Duke, can you call your siblings down for dinner?

Duke, using his powers: Don’t you mean…dimmer? *puts on sunglasses*

Bruce: How long have you been carrying those around?

Duke: …three months

Tim: When I first met Damian he tried to stab me!

Dick: That’s just his way of saying knife to meet you.

Tim: …

Dick: Hey my sword play isn’t that bad

Tim: just leave

[jstoddwrites]

random:

but i genuinely believe that bruce goes full billionaire father on Christmas. it is EASILY the best excuse he has to spoil the fuck out of his kids, and buy literally every single thing he thinks they would like. what are they gonna do, tell him no??? it's christmas, he's SUPPOSED to buy gifts, he's SUPPOSED to try and buy their love. if there is one day a year he gets to act a fool, and swipe his card as many times as he likes it is then.

and because he's such a freak who, for all his faults, fucking LOVES his kids -- he absolutely has a W.E elf squad, 2 elves assigned to each kid, whose sole job is to accumulate a list and find every single item on that list, and if that means haggling and daring to get into a fist fight for the last one, you better fucking do it. he is paying big money to make sure everything is secured. . . do not fail him.

everyone's still haunted by the 2013 "incident" involving dick grayson wayne, a lack of an indoor trampoline, and an uncomfortably cold conference room.

[queefed-in-the-bong]

Bruce Wayne: *in the checkout line because Alfred forced him to go to the store to be seen in public for once and has literally only grabbed a bag of shredded cheese and a juice*

Cashier: Next please, hello Bruce how are you today?

Bruce: *staring intently at a pack of gum to avoid eye contact while he puts his items on the counter* im fantastic thanks

Cashier: That’ll be 6.84. Got yourself a snack, honey?

Bruce: *vibrating as he hands her 7 ones* yes here you go

Cashier: *hands him change*

Bruce: *drops the change on the counter, is visibly mortified and about to astral project*

Cashier: Oh sorry, my fault!

Bruce: *moments from collapse* noitwasminekeepthechange *speed walks out of the store gripping the bag of cheese so hard it almost pops*

-

Alfred: *returns home to see Bruce in the fetal position on the couch with an empty bag of shredded cheese* “And how was the trip to the store, Master Bruce?”

Bruce: dontlookatme

[heavenlyangeliq]

BATMAN: “You became Just as bad as he was when you killed him”

Red Hood: “You did it first when you spared him and let him kill much MUCH more than I just did. You let so many people die because you couldn’t kill one. I saved God knows how many people by killing him, and that I can live with.”