A Letter from Our CEO
Dear (algorithmic insert of first name),
We find ourselves in an extraordinary time. I want you to know that our company wants to convey the sense that it cares about you and your well-being, so hereās what weāre doing.
Weāre generously allowing the white-collar portion of our workforce that we have not laid off to hide from the plague in their homes in order to avoid future litigation, while they continue to maintain whatās left of our bottom line.
When it comes to our blue-collar, boots on the ground workers, we have given them the option of either not working and not exposing themselves to a deadly contagion that anyone could be bringing into our storefronts, or getting paid. Those that have decided to risk their lives and get paid are the real American heroes, and for that we reward them by speaking highly of them in this email.
We are excited about the massive cash infusion given to us by the right wing government, and assure you that once hegemonic capitalism is breathing normally again after being put on the respirator of socialism, that we will be partying with our obscene wealth like never before.
In closing, here is a trite platitude about how everyone is experiencing this in the same way, despite that being completely untrue, itās a good look and obfuscates the obscene class divides in America that let this get so out of hand in the first place.
Be Well,
Some Goddamn CEO
āSent from my iPad.ā
