well well well

what do we have here

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

List of Sea Creatures Which Have Tried But Failed To Convince Me To Go Into The Ocean

1. Sea Dragons

Remarkable, unlikely, ethereal. A fairytale creature, but ultimately not trustworthy. a combination of kelpie and the fae, it will ask me a riddle and steal my soul. at least one of these is photoshopped. nice try sea dragon

2. Bubble Snails

these are portals to another realm. i may be unsatisfied with my dimension, but i am not fool enough to follow a colorful stranger to a secondary location. you’ll have to try harder, briny marine abductors 

3. Shells. Just shiny carved shells i found on instagram

makes a compelling argument but i remain unconvinced. never trust anything you find on instagram 

4. Salp Chains

not gonna lie, this one almost made me reconsider. idk what a planktic tunicate is, but i respect their lifestyle choices. if i ever do join a hivemind, this is top of the list

5. Frosted Nudibranch

a combination bt a sailor moon trinket & a pokemon evolution stone; has the power to force me into a magical girl transformation. unfortunately i am responsibility-avoidant and refuse to wear anything less comfortable than sweatpants. also magical transformations give me motion sickness. hard pass, but would use as a nightlight 

6. Lettuce Sea Slug. For similar reasons

6. Royal Starfish

honestly thought this was a claymation sculpture. starfish were actually a compelling reason to go in the ocean until i remembered they can move, and i want nothing to do with that nonsense 

7. Costasiella

this is genuinely the only one i have a hard time saying no to. this is the perfect being. if i was an animated protagonist, this would be my chosen cartoon sidekick, my vaguely animalish sidecharacter who speaks in a silent but expressive language only i can translate. incandescent perfection. pure and unsullied, truly sinless. look at those goddamn eyes. 

In conclusion, 

sea slugs are the only compelling group of creatures who could possibly tempt me into the soulless void of the salty depths. however, as i possess a great deal of caution & terror, i will continue to stick with aquariums. i have been tempted, but have overcome. the ocean may invade my nightmares but it will not claim my soul. i bite my thumb at thee, Poseidon! go stub your toe on coral

[latestagejenga]

STARFISH ARE TERRIFYING

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

THEY COMPLETELY ARE!!!

Also they eject their stomachs from their bodies in order to Feed

and they can pry a damn clam in half to get at the soft inner moisty succulence

Bonus: Here Is An Edited Gif Of A Starfish Twerking I Have No Further Comments

[prismdelta]

@biggest-gaudiest-patronuses

I mean you could always Eat a Starfish, they taste like Deep Fried Ground Beef that is Creamy and have a slight bitter taste.

In Fujian, China, You can see them on sticks served as street food.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

It Looks So Crunchy I Wish To Dip It In Tartar Sauce And Grind It To Dust Limb-By-Limb Betweenst My Molars

[boypart-blog]

WHAT!!!!

[transhumanisticpanspermia]

No

They can leap 36 feet

As in leap forward 36 feet

They don’t jump 36 feet into the fucking sky do you know how terrifying that would be the human race wouldn’t have survived because we’d have all had heart attacks while still in Africa

[handsomeamoeba]

[endquestionmark]

#death from above

[uhouse]

this post makes me cry every single damn time

[gabbigabriella]

This is one of those legendary posts that’s been around since I first made a Tumblr. When I didn’t have access to my Tumblr for a few years I would sometimes reference this post. Iconic lol

[deadignoredead]

some of y’all need to learn more compassion for adults who are severely mentally ill or disabled… like schizophrenics who still depend on their family members and probably always will have to, autistic people who live in group homes, people with bipolar disorder who attend partial inpatient programs, etc…. people who couldn’t get college degrees, who can’t work. not everyone is like you.

[deadignoredead]

the responses on this post are overwhelming honestly. we are a part of your communities and we are here. i hope every one of you this post applies to has a good or better day.

[lesbianshepard]

my favorite thing about england losing the eurocup is that /r/ireland has turned entirely into a pro-Italian meme sub

[lesbianshepard]

[scrappydoodeadinmiami]

This is the world Martin Scorcese dreamed of

[ultrafacts]

[greatnorthernofficial]

This my bebe. Bebe is bigger than me. Strong bebe

[apolloadama]

ok friends i wanted to confirm this story’s accuracy before reblogging so i googled it and yes it’s TRUE 

AND ALSO the mom cat raised the lynx baby ALONGSIDE HER KITTEN so we have all these cute pictures of the lynx cub with the kitten please look at them

^^^ FAMILY PORTRAIT

[vislaneva]

personally if I was mother I would yeet miette

[vislaneva]

Yes

[argumate]

you score a field goal with Miette??

[official-kircheis]

ooooh! points for mother! threee points for mother!

[fineillsignup]

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ ਭ३౽=͟͟=͟͟͞͞=͟͟͞͞=͟͟͞͞=͟͟͞͞ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

[yo-its-matt]

Babygirl I’m popping joints that paleontologists don’t even know about

[yo-its-matt]

No, fuck. Chiropractors

[chippyyyz]

Yo mama so old her chiropractor is a paleontologist

[images-that-are-only-cursed]

Cursed school presentations? Thank you!

I hate presentations 😂but who doesn’t?

[images-that-are-only-cursed]

[blu3-skyy]

[w0wls]

That shrek one is threatening

[chuck-e-cheese-anime-faces]

How’d y'all leave out this one?

[peter-my-parkers]

[isspeeedyy]

[orchidvioletindigo]

Brothers in arms

[malewifenat]

What does the arab in your carrd mean? Is it like afab and amab?

.. i’m palestinian

[captainlordauditor]

same energy

[princesskuragina]

[unscharf-an-den-raendern]

[definitely-not-lordenglish]

[catradoraism]

[thousandfoottallowl]

there’s more

[snenby-with-two-daggers]

[0palite]

[hulking-godless-child-beast]

[augustdementhe]

SIGH

[i-restuff]

[sangononya-kokomeow]

here’s another one

[daeva-agas]

IT GETS WORSE WITH EVERY ADDITION

[elamikaaa]

how does this get even worse

[moontideempress]

I think about once in a while...

[chamomiletea-baggins]

We have another one...

[lvlyhao]

PEOPLE HAVE ASKED WHY DO I HAVE PORTUGUESE AS A DISCIPLINE TOO THIS TAKES ME O U T

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

holy shit my tulips are bigger than yours & i've decided to take that as a sign of moral superiority

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

The Goodly L'rde Smileth Upon Min Own Garden Whilst Thine Vegetables Patch Remaineth Barren Bef're His Watchful Gaze, Margarethe

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

The L'rde Blesseth My Harvest, And In His M'rcifulness Dooms Thine Crops To Wither Ere They Be Sullied By The Touch Of Thy Harlot's Gossiping Lips, Margarethe

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

WEEPETH YOU WHORE

[stahp-right-there-peasant]

Technically, ‘you’ in Early Modern English is the more respectful of the two second person pronouns, so in truth, it should be,

WEEPETH THOU WHORE

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

WEEPETH THOU CRUSTY WHORE

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

if shes your girl, then whys she breastfeeding me?

shes my girl and you are our beautiful son. welcome to the world my boy

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

NO-

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

if that old man comes back im fucking him myself

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

KILLING. KILLING HIM MYSELF

[eclecticism18]

[knifelesbian69]

[systlin]

Something I find incredibly cool is that they’ve found neandertal bone tools made from polished rib bones, and they couldn’t figure out what they were for for the life of them. 

Until, of course, they showed it to a traditional leatherworker and she took one look at it and said “Oh yeah sure that’s a leather burnisher, you use it to close the pores of leather and work oil into the hide to make it waterproof. Mine looks just the same.” 

“Wait you’re still using the exact same fucking thing 50,000 years later???”

“Well, yeah. We’ve tried other things. Metal scratches up and damages the hide. Wood splinters and wears out. Bone lasts forever and gives the best polish. There are new, cheaper plastic ones, but they crack and break after a couple years. A bone polisher is nearly indestructible, and only gets better with age. The more you use a bone polisher the better it works.”

It’s just. 

50,000 years. 50,000. And over that huge arc of time, we’ve been quietly using the exact same thing, unchanged, because we simply haven’t found anything better to do the job. 

[saxifraga-x-urbium]

i also like that this is a “ask craftspeople” thing, it reminds me of when art historians were all “the fuck” about someone’s ear “deformity” in a portrait and couldn’t work out what the symbolism was until someone who’d also worked as a piercer was like “uhm, he’s fucked up a piercing there”. interdisciplinary shit also needs to include non-academic approaches because crafts & trades people know shit ok

[assasue]

One of my professors often tells us about a time he, as and Egyptian Archaeologist, came down upon a ring of bricks one brick high. In the middle of a house. He and his fellow researchers could not fpr the life of them figure out what tf it could possibly have been for. Until he decided to as a laborer, who doesnt even speak English, what it was. The guy gestures for my prof to follow him, and shows him the same ring of bricks in a nearby modern house. Said ring is filled with baby chicks, while momma hen is out in the yard having a snack. The chicks can’t get over the single brick, but mom can step right over. Over 2000 years and their still corraling chicks with brick circles. If it aint broke, dont fix it and always ask the locals.

[anx1ous-op0ssum]

I read something a while back about how pre-columbian Americans had obsidian blades they stored in the rafters of their houses. The archaeologists who discovered them came to the conclusion that the primitive civilizations believed keeping them closer to the sun would keep the blades sharper.

Then a mother looked at their findings and said “yeah, they stored their knives in the rafters to keep them out of reach of the children.”

[whatevercomestomymind]

Omg the ancient child proofing add on tho lol

[pbrim]

I remember years ago on a forum (email list, that’s how old) a woman talking about going to a museum, and seeing among the women’s household objects a number of fired clay items referred to as “prayer objects”.  (Apparently this sort of labeling is not uncommon when you have something that every house has and appears to be important, but no-one knows what it is.)  She found a docent and said, “Excuse me, but I think those are drop spindles.”  “Why would you think that, ma’am?”  “Because they look just like the ones my husband makes for me.  See?”  They got all excited, took tons of pictures and video of her spinning with her spindle.  When she was back in the area a few years later, they were still on display, but labeled as drop spindles.

[catchester]

So ancient Roman statues have some really weird hairstyles. Archaeologists just couldn’t figure them out. They didn’t have hairspray or modern hair bands, or elastic at all, but some of these things defied gravity better than Marge Simpson’s beehive.

Eventually they decided, wigs. Must be wigs. Or maybe hats. Definitely not real hair.

A hairdresser comes a long, looks at a few and is like, “Yeah, they’re sewn.”

“Don’t be silly!” the archaeologists cry. “How foolish, sewn hair indeed! LOL!”

So she went away and recreated them on real people using a needle and thread and the mystery of Roman hairstyles was solved.

She now works as a hair archaeologist and I believe she has a YouTube channel now where she recreates forgotten hairstyles, using only what they had available at the time.

[hazelsheartsworn]

^^ THE PERSON MENTIONED HERE IS JANET STEPHENS!!

Here’s her YouTube channel with the recreated hair-styles

And the research she did got published in the Journal of Roman Studies (which is a big deal in the Classics world) “even though” she doesn’t have at least a Masters degree in the field.

[To give reference to the gate keeping in this field, she was, I think, only the second or so person without a PhD to be published in the history of the Journal]

But that’s the point, she knew hair and she knew her craft so well that when scholars had ridiculous theories and scoffed at her own, she went ahead and experimented and proved her theories right.

[chaotic-carnifex]

Anyway if you’re from the US and you ever wanted to know what tumblr feels like from a non-USAmerican perspective (please note that the rest of the world is not a monolith either and none of these apply without exception):

Everybody’s talking about brands and stores you’ve never seen in real life. You generally assume they exist, but they might as well be one giant prank the rest of the internet is in on.

You find a post that just sounds wrong. It makes no sense. It’s like OP lives in a weird alternate reality. 9/10 times, it’s just some USAmerican Thing.

You’re still not entirely sure how much an inch is. Or a foot. Or even how many of the former there are in the latter. You maybe know your height in feet and inches.

You have no idea how much a pound is. You’d also like to know how the fuck pound shortens to lbs.

What the fuck is “military time”

Somebody talks about some legal process or something similar. They don’t mention which country’s legal system this pertains to. You know anyway.

People talk about politics. None of it pertains to you. Many posts contain guilt tripping. “How can you not care about this?? Why won’t you reblog this?? People need to know this about x candidate for y position!” You’re busy trying to stay on top of the political landscape in your own country.

You pick up some random slang from the internet. Monkey see monkey do. You’re called racist. You didn’t know it was AAVE. You learnt it from black letters on white background, not from the mouths of people whose faces you could see. How would you have known? You try to unlearn it.

People tell you that you must publicly denounce Chick-fil-A or you’re homophobic. You don’t even know what a Chick-fil-A is.

People say you don’t know LGBTQ+ history. What they mean is you don’t know USAmerican LGBTQ+ history. Nobody cares about your country’s history.

You’re “called out” on using an “offensive” term. It’s (a direct translation of) a completely harmless word where you live.

People expect you to have an idea of how far apart 2 USAmerican states are. You barely know geography past your country’s immediate neighbors.

You randomly switch between British and American spellings. Nothing’s real and there are no rules.

People talk about multiple hour car rides and you get twitchy just thinking about it. You suddenly understand why USAmerican cars are so big.

Somebody talks about school shooting drills. You only ever had fire alarm drills.

You see a cool statistic. The study’s only about the US. It’s unfortunately of no use to you.

People misuse/misspell words and names from your native language. It’s tiring.

(You feel sorry for the French. Nobody should be allowed to mangle the word déjà vu like that.)

You’re still not over the fact that USAmerican school children are supposed to say that pledge thing every morning. You’re never getting over that.

You still don’t know why the men are fresh or what the fuck a sophomore is.

Who the fuck pays up first and then fills up gas??? That’s made up, right??

Everybody has a weird obsession with some comfort food you’d never even heard of before you signed up here.

Fellow non-USAmericans, please add anything else you can think of.

[afusionoffandoms]

Everyone’s obsessed with this bill guy and keeps chanting his name

Moreover people are getting excited about all these remakes of old cartoons you’ve never heard of much less seen

You still don’t get how people can eat that stuff for breakfast

And you still don’t know how people can afford all that takeout when usually that means doubling the price

You have no idea how to calculate a tip. When are you supposed to tip, anyway?

You know more about the general layout of a typical USAmerican high school than the one you went to

It wasn’t that long ago that you realised that ‘cheer leading’ isn’t the leader of the cheering group, but the actual term for the sport itself

You see a cool survey. It’s USA only.

You see a cool competition or raffle. It’s USA only.

You see a cool movie/series that’s supposed to be on Netflix. It’s USA only.

You see a cool movie/series. It’s on Hulu/HBO/Prime.

You see a cool movie/series. It won’t be released on a platform you have access to, or in your country, for another 6 months.

People will guilt you for not “supporting the writer” of said movie or show.

A friend links you a song on YouTube/Spotify. It’s not available in your country (unless you’re using a VPN).

Your own Netflix has a 1/10 of the content and most of it is shitty old documentaries you have no interest in. You’ve seen it all already.

People keep talking about 1 day shipping??

And then they complain if it takes a few days to arrive? Honey, I order my Halloween stuff in August out of necessity.

Especially because local stores don’t sell Halloween things.

And even then it’s like, $70 in shipping

And Halloween is only something you celebrate in your own home. You’ve never carved a pumpkin, never gone trick-or-treating. You think hayriding is when you slide down a hill on a bale of hay and try not to fall off. 

You’ve been shamed by Uncle Roger who says you should get a rice cooker but they’re nearly $100

You ask your friends what you should have for dinner and they hit you with a dozen really good ideas, all of which either include an ingredient you don’t have access to, or a crock pot.

You’d have a lot more fandom related stuff like shirts and figures and posters, if they were actually physically sold anywhere near you and you didn’t have to order it online and pay $70 in shipping and wait a month and a half for it to (maybe) arrive and suddenly you’re not a ‘real fan’.

You can name more USAmerican states than municipalities/counties/provinces in your own country because USAmericans always tell you which state they’re from rather than just the country itself, even in international chats.

You know the difference between cloths/clothes, breath/breathe and there/their/they’re and you can’t fathom how it’s possible to so consistently make those errors in one’s native tongue

You keep seeing all those neat promotional stuff and exclusives like those plastic cups you get at the movies with your favourite comic book character on them and you know that you’ll never see one with your own eyes

ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU CAN BUY IRON MAN PASTA?? Like, pasta, but in the shape of arc reactors and Iron Man helmets???

Coffee Shop AUs are one of your fave fic tropes even though you’ve never been to one

You shudder at the idea of washing your underwear in a public washing machine.

While you’re having a heatstroke you’re being told that that’s not hot? THIS IS HOT. IT’S SO HOT THE STREETS ARE MELTING. WE LIVE IN A LITERAL DESERT.

You’re then told how hot it is in the literal desert over in the USA and you have no idea how hot it is but you assume it’s a lot because it has three digits.

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

You make a post about an issue in your own country without mentioning where it is.

You get multiple annoyed/confused comments from Americans, assuming that you were writing about the USA and complaining that you’ve misrepresented it.

Next time you make a post about a your-country specific issue, you make sure to mention the country, give some basic cultural context and possibly even include explanations in brackets for certain concepts.

You get multiple annoyed/confused comments from Americans, assuming that you were writing about the USA and complaining that you’ve misrepresented it.

[ryan-sometimes]

COVID is slowly becoming a "third world" disease. While first world countries are hoarding vaccines, having doses for populations many times their size, third world countries can't get any because pharma companies want to sell to the first world countries first. Even then, first world countries will receive them first. While rich countries recover from COVID, they will forget about the pandemic while many other countries live the absolute worst moment of the pandemic without being able to vaccinate their population.

[ryan-sometimes]

Watch also when some first world countries finish vaccinating their populations, they will turn to third world countries and "donate" or sell surplus vaccines. People in these countries will go "Oh how sweet! The government is donating vaccines to the poorer countries <3" when it was their hoarding that led to many, many third world citizens dying before they could even get vaccinated in the first place.

[comradesaucegay]

african and latin american countries are also pushed by pfizer to give up sovereign assets as part of their vaccine agreement

[nanalineni]

Yo europeans, sign the fucking petition, get the european commission to lift the patents

No Profit on Pandemic! Sign now!

Everyone deserves protection from COVID-19.

[nanalineni]

This is not a bullshit useless change dot org petition by the way this is an actual thing with legal consequences. If this petition gets to a million signatures, the european commission HAS to examine it.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[ceaselessbasher]

I was reading up on Ceasar’s last words (as one does) and I came upon this one that has the Biggest Miette Energy

[the-busy-ghost]

#you STAB ceasar???#you STAB him like the SALAD???#oh jail for the conspirators! jail for a thousand years!!!#Julius Caesar#tragedies - @ardenrosegarden

[sixmapleleafs]

I found this on tiktok and I laughed so hard so I thought I’d share on here

It’s so chaotic I love it

[the-privateer]

just so you guys are all aware, the only reason gritty exists is allegedly because the NHL made a rule that every team HAD to have a mascot and were apparently assholes about it. so the fliers made him as a chaotic fuck you. hell the first tweet made on his official account was a "sleep with one eye open" threat towards another mascot for making fun of his design

[0v9]

are we not going to talk about how he launched an entire sheetcake into that man’s face, probably killing him?

[lavender-truth]

[lavender-truth]

He also collects crystals

[tenaflyviper]

I fucking love Gritty.