Bartlet for America

[penandinkprincess]

oh my GOD the idea of shane accidentally pulling a vegas "we didn't even kiss" of his own by fucking ACCIDENT because he got to ilya's hotel room for this hookup and spotted a protein bar wrapper in the trashcan and is initially annoyed because oh fucking GREAT now they're going to have it be a whole thing and rozanov is going to have to brush his teeth and even then they might have to wait if there's peanuts in it and also this is going to mean fishing out his trash and looking over the label like a CRAZY PERSON and what if this now becomes A Fucking Thing

...but...

...so long as they don't kiss...

...

...should be fine

(it's possibly he's thinking through horny glasses more than he should, but sue him. rozanov is already shirtless, okay? he is only human.)

but in executing this plan, he is keeping his face WELL away, he is turning over to get fucked from behind without any nudging from rozanov at all, he is even bowing his head forward when rozanov's mouth gets too close to his face because mid-fuck does not feel like a great time to bring up "so hey, keep your maybe-peanut mouth to yourself so we don't have to take an epipen break, m'kay?" but they've got THIS fucking far and it's FIIIINE

and they do it! mission accomplished! both of them finish and then they collapse down to the mattress-

-and. i mean. at this point...what if...he DOESN'T now ruin the afterglow with having to talk about his medical history. he is very post-orgasm-happy and not SUPER into changing that, and also rozanov?? seems upset now?? (jesus fuck, shane) so probably not the time to have that talk. they'll have next time.

but what ILYA took from this experience is that shane is pulling away from him and is probably not going to want to do this again, and yeah maybe there's a little desperation behind it when he keeps him there long enough for a round 2 like he can just fucking PROVE he's worth coming back to-

and now shane REALLY doesn't have a fucking reason to say anything because he is now getting fucked EXTRA good, and he is still remembering to keep his mouth away so mission SUCCESS round of fucking APPLAUSE

and yeah, he misses getting to have smooches, but there'll be next time :) no worries :)

so he leaves feeling happy and well-fucked and meanwhile ilya. is deeply worries.

[junkdrawertales]

Ilya’s thinking holy shit hollander is playing MIND GAMES he’s being so DETACHED AND COLD what did he do wrong?? why is Hollander upset???

Shane, meanwhile, hightails it out of the hotel room when he starts feeling itchy and realizes that oh, fuck, Ilya may not have kissed his mouth but he did kiss all over his chest and thighs and now he’s got a fucking contact rash in some very unfortunate places!!

[penandinkprincess]

shane back in his room popping antihistamines like tictacs and slathering himself in hydrocortisone cream

meanwhile ilya, reading over text messages and creating and solving 20 conspiracy theories about what happened tonight

[hadesisqueer]

Bridgerton characters as random tweets bc I'm bored

[diehellasrache]

I think I'm going to remember this phrase every time I cook for the next five years

[penandinkprincess]

the main post is getting giant and has so many threads on it already, but the idea of the first time shane has a contact reaction being AFTER ILYA KNOWS ABOUT THE ALLERGIES AND HAS TRIED SO HARD TO KEEP HIS HOUSE SAFE

during the literal YEARS of not knowing he could potentially kill shane? NO

THE ALLERGIES WAITED UNTIL HE FELT SAFE

he had fries or something while he was out at a bar with the team and didn't think about it because he didn't order them and was just absentmindedly grazing from the plate that got shared, but he goes home to shane, kiss kiss, starting to strip, and then shane just *increasingly frequent pauses to try and clear his throat* *realization about what's happening*

and after the terror is over and shane has been treated and is okay again, ilya is just ??? fucking SERIOUSly??? years and years of lucky breaks and it's a few random fucking fries cooked in peanut oil that do it??? what the FUCK

[penandinkprincess]

GOD post-outing but pre-knowing about shane's allergies, the team just assumes oh?? the bar must have said something homophobic or something??? cap must have been the only one who heard it?? and they're now like well FUCK that place >:( and start refusing to go there, too.

only to find out later it's because ilya blames it for making his kisses deadly to boyfriends with peanut allergies

[penandinkprincess]

RODNEY NOOOOOOO

[ginalinettiofficial]

rodney’s wife over here watching her husband of thirty years go through a one-sided breakup just like “babe. babe the bar is still doing fine this isn’t affecting our bottom line and i’m SURE it’s just a coincidence and boodram was having a bad day.” but rodney can’t and won’t hear it. the centaurs hate him, personally, and he is inconsolable about it.

[penandinkprincess]

fucking TEARS IN MY EYES laughing at this but also filled with so much real sympathy for this fake man.

i'm just picturing a long montage of rodney just fucking. looking at the pictures and sighing. looking out the window and sighing. looking at the table the cens usually sit at and sighing.

and meanwhile tanya is just, "?? why are you taking this harder than when the kids left for college??"

[dreamofbecoming]

#heated rivalry#shallergies#the kicker is that if ANYONE talked about ANYTHING rodney would have anything peanut out of that bar IMMEDIATELY#GONE#GONE FROM HIS BAR#he would personally spit on every peanut he sees for the rest of his life if it would mean the return of his boys </3#GOD#after shane is in ottawa someone in passing mentions the bar#and it's kind of wistful but they're like 'good riddance for being shitty to cap though'#and ilya is just ?? 'what?? what are you talking about?'#'y-you hate that bar?'#'yes is bad place.'#'??? be-because?? someone said something shitty to you?'#'what? no? they made me poison hollander.'#shane from the side: 'what??? are you talking about???'#'the time i kissed you and you went into shock when you were visiting. is because i was at the bar and something had peanuts i didn't know.#the rest of the team: '...THAT'S WHY WE STOPPED GOING TO-'#and now shane is just 'ilya you can't swear off a bar forever because you accidentally cross-contaminated me'#'can and am and will hollander. no forgiveness.'#'ilya they didn't even fucking know. you're being ridiculous.'#now everyone on the team who has given rodney the cold shoulder is just 'o-oh no. oh god. oh fuck.'#them returning to the bar with a gift basket and having to be like 'soooo due to a misunderstanding and also peanuts-'#pffft oh my GOD roddy's bar ends up becoming one of the most allergy-safe bars in ottawa after this XD#rodney becomes fucking MILITANT about it#it takes like six times of the team going there and reporting back before ilya decides to trust it again#and rodney nearly sheds a tear the day it finally happens#meanwhile tanya is just 'you really couldn't have just like. bought a mustang or something?? if you were going to do the late life crisis?' (via op)

pen you can’t keep doing this to me you can’t keep dragging me into fandoms i’m not in and making me emotionally invested in characters who aren’t even in the source material! please i have a family!

[penandinkprincess]

IF HE HAD TO BE OTTAWANDA TO KEEP THE CENS AT HIS BAR, HE WOULD BE OTTAWANDA TO KEEP THE CENS AT HIS BAR.

i also love the idea of this older man who wasn't a homophobe but also wasn't like. an active outspoken queer ally because it just didn't occur to him as something to be. who is now AGGRESSIVELY inclusive in this bar. if you don't like it? get OUT. he lost the cens once, and it will NOT happen again. not on his watch! not while he lives!!! for every shitty comment, five new rainbow flags go up!! keep pushing him!!!

and the kids aren't, like...judging. but they are going to tanya and being like, "uuuuh, mom? is dad...trying to come out? in like. a really weird sideways way?"

and tanya just *heavy sigh* "honey i WISH it was that simple."

[penandinkprincess]

oh my GOD after the cens win their first cup, they take it to the bar and let rodney take a picture with it and the team.

he fucking CRIES from joy.

[mymoonandmyshane]

one time ilya venmo requested shane for $10,000 as a joke but before he could even say “i want a big mac” shane already sent him the money.

[mymoonandmyshane]

this has massive potential for backfiring because while shane is just like “my baby asked for money and i have money so of course he can have it” meanwhile ilya is sent into a spiral about how he thinks he’s treating shane like his family treated him.

[shanehollandered]

my unpopular opinion (i think?) is that shane doesn't really use pet names on ilya, at least not at first and not before he works through some of his internalized homophobia, and then, the first time he absentmindedly drops a 'babe' on ilya, ilya nearly brains himself on the nearest surface

[ginger-coke]

like everything with them, it happens during sex first. ilya's eating him out slow and sloppy, spit dripping down his chin, two fingers teasing at shane's prostate, when shane pulls his hair and whines "ilya, baby, please."

blood rushes to ilya's dick so fast he almost blacks out. baby. he pulls away. shane whines again, pulls again, begs again, "nononono don't stop, baby, please--"

"say it again," he croaks. he'd meant it to come out stronger than that, but he's fighting shane's hold and flailing for the lube and trying to slick himself all at once while his brain goes baby baby baby he called me baby i'm his baby.

"please."

"not that. what did you call me? call me that again."

he lines himself up while shane tries to collect himself. finally recognition lights his eyes. he sniffles. "...baby?"

ilya sinks into him with a groan. shane's tighter than they usually like, but he keeps pressing forward anyway, through the stretch, through the heat, through their combined cries of pleasure, and he fucks shane until neither of them can speak.

after that, shane quickly learns calling ilya "baby" is the quickest way to make his brain stop working. ilya gets him a ginger ale from his parents' fridge, shane says "thank you baby" and ilya walks into the wall. they're coming off the ice after practice, shane says "hey babe don't forget--" and ilya trips over his own skates and almost causes a ten-Centaur pileup. shane says "babe will you--" and ilya stands up so fast he bangs his knee on the table.

but he never gets embarrassed no matter how ridiculous he looks, and he never chirps back no matter how relentlessly he's mocked. if anything, he leans into it all, puffing out his chest and playing up his reactions until shane's belly laughing with delight.

"is only reaction when you are shane hollander's baby," he declares. "only natural. no other choice. you would not know this. you will never understand. he is mine, and only i am his baby."

[cloudabserk]

grace is like rocky be honest am i too clingy? and rocky is like grace i would mind meld with you if i could.

[hr-rep]

#MyIlya :}

[graceebooks]

bood: troy do you want another beer troy: ehhh ive already had two and im designated shanehandler ilya: (wasted, at the top of his lungs across the entire yard, feeling shane up while he grills) I AM EXCLUSIVE HANDLER OF SHANE

[graceebooks]

#Shane: I bet I could climb on bood’s roof with just his siding#Ilya: baby. As the Shanehandler. You can do whatever you want.#Cut to Troy peeling Shane off the side of Bood’s house like he’s a squirrel

ilya recording it on his phone and narrating loudly as if he is watching the cops doing an illegal arrest with excessive force

[graceebooks]

ilya: THIS MAN DID NOTHING... BUT NOT THE FIRST TO SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF ENFORCER BARRETT. THIS POOR BEAUTIFUL CREATURE IS TESTING PHYSICAL LIMITS, REACHING NEW PERSPECTIVES, YES? HARMING NO ONE. UNARMED- *accidentally drops phone and takes so long to pick it up shane is already walking past trying to act sober like he never did anything at all* shane: (directly into the camera, much too close) babyyyyyyy i made burgers

[itseasytoremember]

(To the tune of Rasputin): BLEH BLEH DRACULA, KING OF TRANSYLVANIA, HE IS A BAT AND ALSO A MAN

[ilyapasta]

Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:

Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.

One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.

Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.

Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.

Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.

Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition

New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking

Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.

Add your ownnnnn

[darlingofdots]

there's a theragun in every room of the house and trying to unfuck their various Busted Ass Issues becomes just another step in sex prep

Shane is terrorising the local birdwatching community

Ilya is personally if inadvertently responsible for at least four divorces among his kid's schoolmate's parents

every time they attend a Centaurs game they end up on kiss cam (which isn't even a THING Shane is convinced they do this just to fuck with him) and they always pretend to be reluctant and roll their eyes and oh, fine, if you insist *smooch* *deafening cheers*

they're not really famous anymore anywhere EXCEPT Ottawa, where they're very famous but everybody's kind of agreed to be chill about it and also now that they ACTUALLY have time to spare they're just like, doing stuff. so you get an excited insta post from somebody new in town like omg i think i just saw shane hollander at tim horton's??? and the comments are all "dude obviously he always gets a coffee and a box of timbits thursday afternoon, where else would he be"

[ilyapasta]

Dot I admit I was trying to summon you with this lmaooo

The Theragun in every room is everything. I'm also obsessed with routine man Shane but instead of like training and conditioning it's going to get timbits on Thursday afternoons lmao

[shanehollandered]

i am convinced that ilya is into doing old people shit with shane, especially after they’re out.

there’s a tulip festival in ottawa that shane has never even heard of despite living there for a major part of his life, and ilya’s like “please let’s go to the tulip festival” and shane’s like ???????? why???? tulips?????? wtf?? but of course he goes and he Doesn’t Get It but ilya’s having fun, he’s full on turning his megawatt super smile on shane and taking a million photos of shane among the many colourful tulips and holding his hand and kissing his cheek and talking to random old ladies who tell them (well, mostly ilya because shane doesn't compute information about flowers) about tulips and stuff, and shane stands next to him and holds his hand while ilya animatedly talks and gestures with their hands linked and shane watches him, so enamoured, so besotted, because this isn’t about tulips, it’s just spending time together somewhere outside of hockey, where they're not shane hollander and ilya rozanov but just two guys among people, and shane is happy to continue standing next to his husband and nearly letting him smack Shane's own hand in his face from waving their joined hands around so much.

[whatthebodygraspsnot]

no evidence to back this up but shane strikes me as the type of guy who holds a comical amount of stuff in one hand. very give me that ilya. big hands. he is The Holder.

there's a famous mid-action candid of them walking and shane’s unintentionally mean-mugging while in one hand holding his phone, ilya's phone, some sort of paper that's been folded up a million times - there's chapstick clutched between his pointer and middle fingers, a water bottle hanging by the ring from his pinky, hoodie in the crook of his elbow, hockey bag slung over his shoulder. meanwhile his other side is completely free. (eagled eyed viewers will understand that this is the hand he opens doors for ilya with)

[grecoromanyaoi]

george forgets which neopronouns his partner uses. elaine starts dating a guy with her birthname, and discovers his birthname is elaine. jerry takes newman’s comment that he isnt “really” butch because he uses bath salts to heart. an ominous horoscope drives kramer to audition for rupaul’s drag race.

[3dmonstermaze]

JERRY: Well, maybe it’s any pronouns.

GEORGE: No, Jerry, it’s not any pronouns! I’d know if it was any pronouns! If they used any pronouns, I would’ve defaulted to “she” by now!

JERRY: Yeah, you would have, wouldn’t you.

(LAUGH TRACK)

GEORGE: Look, Jerry, please, you gotta help me. They’re gonna be here in less than ten minutes, just ask them while I’m in the room. Ten seconds, over and done with. Please.

JERRY: You want me to ask for pronouns?

GEORGE: (FALLS UPON KNEES) JERRY I’M BEGGIN’ YOU!

JERRY: …Tell me I look butch.

GEORGE: WHAT?

[3dmonstermaze]

JERRY: You heard me. Tell me. I look. Butch.

GEORGE: Jerry, I - I can’t -

JERRY: See, you hesitated! What is it? Is it the shirt, the hair -

GEORGE: Jerry please, we don’t have time for this! JERRY: Ten seconds to ask your new partner what their pronouns are, and you can’t spare any time to tell me what about me passes as femme? GEORGE: …The deodorant is a bit much, I mean, peach-scented deodorant -

JERRY: I KNEW it!

(KRAMER enters through the front door, dressed in nothing but a bra, flesh-colored leggings and a long, blonde wig) KRAMER: Do either of you have any spirit gum? It’s kind of an emergency!

[3dmonstermaze]

KRAMER: You know I hate to intrude, but uh, what kind of pronouns would you mind me using for you?

(Both JERRY and GEORGE turn discreetly to listen) BRICK: Oh, thank you for asking! Any pronouns are fine!

GEORGE: AAAGH!

(GEORGE stumbles to the floor.)

[lil-peebo]

ELAINE: So they broke up with you, huh?

GEORGE: She didn’t buy my story about fleeing a sudden fire.

JERRY: You’ve got to stop defaulting to she/her.

GEORGE: ANY PRONOUNS, JERRY! She/her is a perfectly valid pronoun! I could’ve had a she/her, a they/them, a xe/xir, Jerry I could’ve had it all.

ELAINE: Still, she/her for Brick? I wouldn’t have guessed, I mean, they were more butch than Jerry.

(JERRY drops his spoon in his diner soup. George and Elaine are unphased. Laugh track.)

GEORGE: So, your relationship is going SO great, huh? With Mr. Deadname?

ELAINE: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna cut things off. I mean, I got rid of that name for a reason, yknow? Too much baggage.

JERRY: You’re jealous he was born an Elaine?

ELAINE: Look, I don’t see what’s so bad about being an Elaine! I mean, look at me, am I not the picture perfect Elaine? I was born to be Elaine. My parents didn’t know what they were THINKING not naming me Elaine, but does he care? No. Just tosses Elaine aside like an old sandwich.

GEORGE: An old sandwich?

ELAINE: Yeah, you’d toss that out, right?

GEORGE: How old?

ELAINE: I don’t know, a week?

(GEORGE sits in quiet thought)

JERRY: Maybe he’s thinking the same thing about you.

ELAINE: What do you mean?

JERRY: Well, maybe he’s been wracking his brain trying to figure out why you’d throw away a name as perfect as…

(ELAINE glares at JERRY)

JERRY: …You know.

ELAINE: No. There’s no way. With a name like that he’s lucky anyone is even interested.

GEORGE: They have a point-

ELAINE: Default back to she/her.

GEORGE: She has a point, Jerry. Not only can I not imagine Elaine’s parents picking a name like that, I can’t imagine being an adult and choosing that name. It wouldn’t be anybody’s deadname, it shouldn’t be anybody’s name. It’s just one prolonged mistake.

ELAINE: Better name than George.

(LAUGH TRACK)

JERRY: Maybe it’s the opposite.

ELAINE: What do you mean?

JERRY: Well, maybe he picked you up because he misses having Elaine in his life.

GEORGE: You don’t think he’s…?

JERRY: No, just likes the name. Maybe he realized he’s got some attachment to the name, but he doesn’t want it for himself.

ELAINE: …I could live with that.

(LAUGH TRACK, KRAMER enters in a torn green sequin dress, wig cap, smeared make up, and holding a blonde beehive wig under one arm.)

JERRY: How long did you last?

KRAMER: I didn’t even make it on. I got into a fight with Katya Zamolodchikova.

GEORGE: Over what?

(KRAMER makes some sort of KRAMER sounds and wild hand gestures, the others nod.)

(ELAINE’S BOYFRIEND enters)

JERRY: Oh, hey Blaine.

[allyourlife]

my fav calvin n hobbes joke and no one ever puts it anywhere

[rainformation]

formative years? aren’t they all?

[absolutejamer]

show me a permanent self and i will show you a facade or a corpse

[bugslibraryy]

You know Ilya goes fucking insaneee when Shane asks if he belongs to him. Like Ilya goes mental for being owned. Shane is being fuuucked, like dicked the fuck down by Ilya, fucked into the mattress in a way that is making the bed frame ram the wall and Shane can hear it- how hard he’s being fucked, the wet squelch of Ilya's cock driving into him, his balls slapping against his line soaked hole.

Shane’s nails are scrambling down Ilya’s back, leaving dark marks, his breaths are loud hiccuping gasps and cut off moans and his head is rubbing against the mattress under him squirming wriggling head thrown back in pleasurepleasurepleasure and god Shane loves being fucked so much. And Ilya growls and starts fucking him harder, deeper, somehow and Shane just gasps out.

“Love your cock oh my god” and Ilya is nodding frantic into his throat, biting at his neck. “For you” Ilya slurs out and Shane goes “yeah? It’s for me?” And his voice is pitchy and dazed and he’s he’s so fucking hard leaking wet and messy all over his cock and hip. Ilya nods nods and says “yes sweetheart for you” and Shane whines, broken sound and his toes curl and his leg kicks out, a jolt of his prostate being bullied by Ilya’s thick cock and Shane is nodding and is all.

“Yes, fuck my cock, all mine, belongs to me” and ilya is whining like a puppy, biting at Shane’s ears, jaw. And Shane is being fucked beyond thought, sense.

“Mine mine mine” Shane breathe, his hand fists tight into the back of Ilya’s curls and pulls, twists hard.

“My fucking cock Ilya. Made for me, made just for me, isn’t it? To fuck me like this- oh god” he shakes because he’s so close but he can’t stop “you belong to me, your cock belongs to me Ilya belongs inside me I’ll look after it I’ll always make it feel so good I promise I promise it’s all mine I’ll be so good to it. Love your cock. My cock” and Ilya is like.

Jesus Christ. I’m going to die. He feels insane, at being owned, at being made for Shane and knowing how badly he’s needed at Shane, Shane Hollander being possessive of him.

He pins Shane harder and he’s fucking him brutally, whole bed moving with it and he pulls back enough to look at Shane, face blissed and red and saying “mine mine mine” as he arches his back and whines and cums all over his tummy, just from Ilya’s cock fucking him open. Ilya cums so hard sounds pitches out and his head gets heavy dizzy and he shakes shakes shakes through it, through filling Shane and collapses forward onto Shane’s body. Head pressed into his chest.